Funny / Bad Santa

  • The sudden, unexpected cut to Willie during Marcus's and Bernie Mac's price negotiation argument.
  • The first scene in the Nevada Mall, as Willie and Marcus walk through the doors only to have the recently-canned Santa charge past the two, loudly declaring them "hacks".
  • "Fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa..."
  • Willie manages to avoid getting him and Marcus fired after the former was caught having anal sex in the dressing room with an overweight customer with this exchange:
    Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.
    Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?
    Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
    Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
    Willie: "You people"? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".
    Marcus: Who the hell is "us people"?
    Bob Chipeska: No... He said... I... you don't under— what? No, no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
  • Willie's letter to The Kid explaining how he avoided going to jail after being caught by the cops:
    Willie: Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would have plugged his ass. Now the cop's know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix Police Department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King.
  • Willie eating lunch in the food court while in partial costume (pants and jacket). A mom and her son walk up to him, with the mother prodding her son to go sit on Santa's lap.
    Willie: (mouth full) I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK, OKAY?!
    Mother: Are you insane?! Management's gonna hear about this.
    Willie: (as the mother and her son walk away) Think that's a threat? If you think you can make my life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.
  • Willie's Cluster F-Bomb after his clock radio wakes him up playing "Holly Jolly Christmas".
  • The Kid asking Willie the elves' names and Willie answering "Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey..."
  • Willie beating up the bullies who harass the Kid.
    Willie: I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
    Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many fucking years of therapy.
  • The expression on Bob's face when Willie uses the term "fuck stick":
    "He's not going to say fuck stick in front of the children, is he?"
    • Yes, he probably will.
  • Willie putting on a ski mask before going into The Kid's house for the first time.
    "Is Granny spry?"
    • Followed by Willie and The Kid walking in and The Kid asks her "Are you spry?"
  • "Wish in one hand, shit in the other one. See which one fills up first."

From the sequel:

  • Willie explaining to Thurman how to have sex with Opal:
    Willie: Now, listen, hereís how it works. Sheís gonna pull her rig off and sheís gonna get on all fours. Now, you stand behind her and drop your rig. Now, youíre gonna see something that looks like some kind of Japanese food. It ainít, so donít eat it. Thatís your bullseye. Then you just start tugging on your little soldier. Wait till he gets to attention, then poke him in there. Keep poking it in there till he spits up. Youíre gonna need a raincoat. Sheíll have one, so donít worry about that. As soon as youíre done, run to the bathroom, wash your crotch. That way, you donít wake up wondering why you got oatmeal in your carpet. Breathe through your mouth so that you donít puke. Shouldnít be a problem for you. You got it? You got $60?
    • The fact that Opal has to use a colostomy bag because of all the anal sex she had with Willie.
  • The turf war between Willie and an overenthusiastic Santa, who may or may not be a pedophile.
  • It's pure Black Comedy, but Willie's Bungled Suicide attempts before Thurman walks in on him. First he tries sticking his head in an electric oven, then he tries awkwardly hanging himself from a ceiling fixture.
  • "I ain't exactly the romantic type, but you've got gigantic titties."
  • Marcus' phone goes off while he's doing recon in the air vent.
    Dorfman: It was probably just the fan.
    Regent: Well Dorfman, last time I checked, fans don't "pop that pussy".