Funny: Bad Santa
- "Fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa..."
- Willie manages to avoid getting him and Marcus fired after the former was caught having anal sex in the dressing room with an overweight customer with this exchange:
Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.Willie: "You people"? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".Marcus: Who the hell is "us people"?Bob Chipeska: No... He said... But... what... No no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
- Willie's letter to The Kid explaining how he avoided going to jail after being caught by the cops:
- Willie: Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would have plugged his ass. Now the cop's know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix Police Department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King.
- Willie eating lunch in the food court while in partial costume (pants and jacket). A mom and her son walk up to him, with the mother prodding her son to go sit on Santa's lap.
Willie: (mouth full) I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK!
- Willie's Cluster F-Bomb after his clock radio wakes him up playing "Holly Jolly Christmas".
- The Kid asking Willie the elves' names and Willie answering "Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey..."
- Willie beating up the bullies who harass the Kid.
Willie: I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many fucking years of therapy.
- The expression on Bob's face when Willie uses the term "fuck stick":
"He's not going to say fuck stick in front of the children, is he?"
- Yes, he probably will.