Funny / Arrested Development

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    Running Gags 
  • Any of the chicken impressions.
    Michael: Has no one in this family ever seen a chicken?
  • "You're, aaaa crook Captain Hook, Judge won't you throw the book, at the piraaaaate!"
  • Gob's single-episode obsession with how expensive his business suits are, and the resulting hysterical babbling he's reduced to when Michael makes a silly remark about his pants. In fact, any interaction between Michael and Gob when the latter becomes highly emotional is gold.
    • And speaking of Gob's Pants:
    Buster: You can wear stripper clothes when you're not stripping?
    Gob: [tears off velcro pants] You tell me.
  • NO TOUCHING!
  • "I'M A MONSTER!"
  • Oscar's constant over-the-top hints that Buster is his son, and Lucille's just as constant eye rolls.
  • The women in the Bluth family circles tend to use their breasts as a bargaining chip, flashing them when they don't get their way and saying "say goodbye to these, because you'll never see them today."
    Michael: (after being flashed by Kitty's questionable plastic surgery and seeing Gob shirtless teaching George Michael magic) I've seen seven nipples today.

    Season One 
Pilot
  • After Michael's family is introduced:
    Narrator: So, why is Michael so happy? Because he's decided to never speak to these people again.
  • Early on in the episode, Lindsay notices that she has the exact same blouse as one of the homosexual protestors. This is because it is her blouse, on Tobias, who boarded the boat of protestors by mistake upon thinking that the party would be pirate-themed.
  • When Maeby suggests that she and George Michael kiss to attract their parents' attentions, he asks if that's illegal. When they do kiss, and the police arrive on the scene to arrest George Sr, his response is "I knew it was illegal!"
  • This one happened within the first few minutes of the series:
    Michael: So, this is the magic trick?
    Gob: Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. (Michael gestures to gasping nearby children) ... Or candy!
    • In the Extended Pilot, the line is "... or cocaine!"
  • This bit from the pilot:
    Lucille: If youíre saying I play favorites, youíre wrong. I love all my children equally.
    (cut to Lucille at a restaurant with the caption "earlier that day...")
    Lucille: ... I don't care for Gob.
  • When Lucille places Buster in charge of the company:
    Lucille: Heís had business classes.
    Buster: Wait, wait, wait, wait! 18th-century agrarian business, but I guess itís all the same principles. Let me ask you, are you at all concerned about an uprising?
  • When it becomes clear to the rest of the family that Michael is the only one with enough sense to run the business, they invite him over for an "intervention".
    Michael: I'm sorry, what exactly is this intervention for?
    (a moment of awkward silence)
    Lucille: We need you to come back and run the business!
    Michael: Oh, okay. Well, then, so, technically it's not really an "intervention". It's a little bit more of an imposition, if you think about it.
    Lindsay: Oh, whatever you wanna call it!
    Michael: I'd love to call it an "imposition".
  • Michael visiting his father in prison:
    Michael: I quit.
    George Sr.: ... Probably a good career move.
  • When George Sr reveals why he didn't give the job to Michael.note :
    George Sr.: You'd be an accomplice. No, it had to be your mom. (motions for him to lean closer, whispers in his ear) They cannot arrest a husband and wife for the same crime! (winks at Michael)
    (beat)
    Michael: Yeah, I don't think that that's true, dad.
    George Sr.: Really...? (facepalms) I've got the worst [bleep]ing attorneys.

Top Banana
  • Michael finds a bag in the refrigerator labelled "DEAD DOVE. DO NOT EAT." He opens it.
    Michael: I don't know what I expected.
  • Tobias' audition for the commercial:
    Tobias: First of all, I love it. Quick question, though. Am I panicked about the fire, or am I being brave for everyone else?
    Roger: The fire? Itís a fire sale.
    Tobias: (checks sheet) Oh... Okay. I didnít, um... Well, letís give it a shot... Oh my God, we're having a FIRE... sale. Oh, the burning! It burns me! Evacuate all of the school children!
    • And Roger's reaction:
      Roger: Would you like to try that a little simpler, maybe?
      Tobias: (thinking) ... No.
  • Lucille asks Michael to include Gob in the business, so he gives Gob a letter to mail.
    Michael: I tried to include him, I gave him a job!
    Lucille: You gave him a letter to mail.
    Michael: Donít tell me that was too much for him?
    Lucille: No, Michael, he mailed the letter. Thatís not the point.
    (flashback to Gob hurling the letter into the ocean (or rather hopelessly attempting to))
    Narrator: In fact, Gob had not mailed the letter, but in an act of defiance, dramatically hurled the letter into the sea.
  • George Michael and Maeby spotting the other family members at the restaurant they are hanging out at:
    George Michael: Oh, my God! It's your mom and Gangee!
    Maeby: What are they doing here?
    George Michael: They're grown-ups, they're allowed to have fun whenever they want! We're kids, we're supposed to be working!
  • Michael's investigation of the burned down storage unit:
    Michael: Did you burn down the storage unit?
    T-Bone: Oh, most definitely!
  • Gob and Michael's interactions on the beach:
    Gob: Michael. Having a nice day at the beach, while the rest of us are busting our asses to deliver your mail?
    Michael: What do you want me to say, okay? You go and you complained to Mom, and I tried to include you.
    Gob: "Include" me?
    Michael: Yeah.
    Gob: I should be in charge! I'm the older brother!
    Michael: Please. Do you even want to be in charge?
    Gob: No! ... But I'd like to be asked!
  • After George Michael and Michael burn down the banana stand:
    Michael: You mailed that insurance check, right Gob?
    (Gob slowly backs away on his segway)
  • The final reveal of the episode:
    George Sr: You what?!
    Michael: Burned it. Right down to the ground.
    George Sr: Are you crazy? There was money in that banana stand!
    Michael: Well, itís all gone now, Dad, and it was my decision. So next time you want to have a little power struggle, just remember that youíre playing with fire.
    George Sr: There was $250,000 lining the walls of the banana stand.
    Michael: (pauses) ... What?
    George Sr: Cash, Michael!
    Michael: (panicked) Well, why didnít you tell me that?!
    George Sr: How much clearer can I say... There's always money... IN... THE BANANA STAND!
  • In The Stinger:
    Narrator: Gob protests the store's frozen-dove-returns policy.
    (Cut to Gob throwing the dead dove into the ocean)
    Gob: Return from whence you came!
    • Gob refuses to help Michael rebuilding the Banana Stand as he "has a rabbit to buy." The scene immediately cuts to a despondent Gob quietly dumping a dead rabbit in the shallows of the local beach.

Bringing Up Buster
  • The family ranting about Lucille, which contained Tony Hale's favourite moment on the show:
    Gob: She always makes everything about her.
    Lindsay: Oh, sheís the last person you ever want to need something from.
    Michael: She likes to be needed, just as long as it doesnít cost her anything.
    Buster: It's like she gets off on being withholding.
    (everyone looks at Buster in surprise)
    Michael: Whoa, Buster!
    Gob: Look whoís got something to say!
    Buster: (laughs) ... "I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I feel good about myself."
    (Michael, Lindsay and Gob laugh)
    Gob: Look who's ragging on the old lady!
    Buster: 'Cause I'm an uptight [long bleep] -BUSTER- [even longer bleep] -YOU OLD HORNY SLUT!
    (Michael, Lindsay and Gob stare in shocked silence)
    Michael: ... Well, no-one's gonna top that.
  • The Cornballer, which keeps burning people.
    • The 1970s ad for it, staring George Sr. and Richard Simmons:
      George, Sr.: Time to pull out the basket, and we dig into some hot— Son of a bitch!
      Richard Simmons: Oh! Look what you did! You plopped it!
      George, Sr.: (about to throttle Simmons) Iíll plop you, you mincing little— (studio audience gasps)
    • And the Spanish version, which is just the English version with some misleading/obvious dubbing:
      George, Sr.: ¡Muy delicioso!
      Richard Simmons: ¡Es verdad!
      George, Sr.: ¡Soy loco por los Cornballs! (studio audience applauds)
  • Buster's attempts to get rid of the troublesome bird:
    Buster: It's a bird!
    Lucille: I know it's a bird! It'll fly out on its own!
    Buster: It walked on my pillow!
  • Lindsay tries to ask Lucille for money.
    Lindsay: Hi mama, it's Linds.
    Lucille: Get a job.
  • Tobias' convincing of the school principal to let him direct the play.
    Tobias: And you tell me youíve got some P.E. teacher directing? That just makes me want to puke all over your head, sir. Give me a chance to tell the Bardís tale, and I give you my word on humble knee, whence you shall not say it wasnít eíer to be.
    Principal: Jerry, you cool with this?
    Coach: (Indifferently) Sure, let the little fruit do it.
    Tobias: Huzzah!
    • And later on, his mistaking George Michael's crush on Maeby for a crush on Steve Holt.
      Tobias: Methinks a Cupid I shall play...
  • Wow, we're just breezing through nap time, aren't we?

Key Decisions
  • Lindsay protests at Michael wanting to cut down trees to make room for more houses.
    Michael: Don't suddenly turn this into one of your causes.
    Lindsay: It's not sudden, Michael! I've always been deeply passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?
    Michael: I'll never forget your wedding.
  • Lucille: When's the last time you went on a date?
    Michael: I just haven't met anybody whoís not completely self-absorbed and impossible to have a conversation with.
    Lucille: If that's a veiled criticism about me, I won't hear it and I wonít respond to it.
  • Gob getting shanked by White Power Bill.
    White Power Bill: White power! (stabs Gob)
    Gob: (pained) I'm... white.

Visiting Ours
  • Michael explains to Lucille that George Sr. is in need of a "intimate" meeting at the prison.
    Michael: You think I'm comfortable asking you to do this? I mean, he needs you, Mom.
    Lucille: Did he say that? Did he say that he misses me? Does he need his wife's embrace?
    (flashback)
    George Sr.: Daddy horny, Michael!
    (flashback ends)
    Michael: ... He said some wonderful things.
  • Gob's utter horror at witnessing a Primal Scene as he gets restrained against the window of conjugal trailer Lucille and George Sr. are meeting in.

Charity Drive
  • Lucille: Don't you judge me! You're the selfish one. You're the one who charged his own brother for a Bluth frozen banana. I mean, it's one banana, Michael. What could it cost, ten dollars?
    Michael: You've never actually set foot in a supermarket, have you?
  • Buster accidentally smashes a priceless skull during an archaeological dig.
    Buster: ... That was 90% gravity.
  • The whole bit where Michael gets Mistaken for Murderer. Especially because of his inadvertent double entendres.

My Mother, the Car
  • Gob has been reduced to using the family yacht as a temporary place of residence. Being Locked Out of the Loop, he only discovers that Michael is trying sell the yard when some prospective buyers, a married, middle-age couple of Asian-Americans, comes look it over:
    (the prospective buyers knocks on the door, Gob opens it dressed only in a bathrobe and with a newspaper in his hand; getting slightly confused, Gob looks to the couple, then looks to something in the newspaper)
    Gob: Well, they got the "Asian" right... "Hotties" might be a stretch... (he shrugs) Well, let's start with the little one!
  • Michael: Hey, Mom. Remember we had that conversation about trying to cut back on things that aren't necessities?
    Lucille: Like it was yesterday.
    Michael: It was this morning.
  • George Michael attempts to get fake IDs for him and Maeby from Gob who has taken up residence on the family boat:
    (Gob sees George Michael outside)
    Gob: George Michael? (whispering to someone) You got to go!
    Woman: Where?! (sound of splash)
    (Gob walks outside)
    George Michael: Uncle Gob, is this a bad time?
    Gob: (casually throws a lifering over the backside of the boat) No, are you kidding?! So, what's up?
    George Michael: I, uh... need you to make some fake IDs for me and Maeby.
    Gob: Like a passport?
    George Michael: Yeah, yeah, that would be great. Oh, and, uh, preferably French. I like the way they think.
    Gob: Look, I donít want you thinking that your uncle is some sleazy character from the docks.
    (a soaked woman in a nightdress carrying the lifering walks by)
    Gob: (trying his best to be casual) Good morning!
    Woman: How are you?
    Gob: She's an Olympian... hopeful. Swimming. I'm coaching.
  • Lindsay's subplot is centred around her frustration that George Sr. doesn't respect her intelligence.
    Lindsay: My whole life, all youíve ever praised me for is my looks.
    George, Sr.: Oh, no, your looks... I-I...
    Lindsay: Yes, Dad. I mean, it's always been "Michael's got the brains, Gob's got the charm, Buster's got the..."
    (long pause)
    George Sr.: High-fastening pants.
    Lindsay: You said that?
    George Sr.: No. I'm saying that now.

In God We Trust
  • Tobias and Lindsay discover that they have forgotten Maybe to take family along for the family visit:
    Maeby: You left me at home! You do remember you have a daughter, right?
    Tobias: Uh, yes, uh, of course we remember... and we were worried sick, young lady! (to Buster and Lucilie) She's fine. Our daughter is all right, so, uh... Sorry. (quietly to Lindsay) You said you didn't want her to come.
    Lindsay: I said I didn't want you to come!
    Tobias: Oh, that makes more sense.
  • Lindsay: No, Michael, I don't just sleep all day.
    Narrator: Actually, Lindsay was so upset at Michael that she tried meditating to calm herself but ended up taking a two-hour angry nap.
  • Tobias mistakenly believing that George Michael is a never-nude like him.
    Tobias: Oh, stop booing. There's nothing wrong with it! There are dozens of us! DOZENS!

Storming the Castle
  • Maeby: Your legs look exactly like mine, and I just shaved mine.
    George Michael: ... So, I'm thinking of getting a motorcycle!
  • The head of the Magician's Alliance calls Michael over to his limo:
    Rollo: If you care about your brother, get in the car.
    Michael: ... Which brother?
    Rollo: ... Gob.
    (Michael jumps back on his bike and cycles off)
  • Tobias decides he wants to prove to Maeby that he is a cool father by buying himself a leather jacket from the local leather ware store:
    Clerk: May I help you?
    Tobias: Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says: "Dad likes leather."
    Clerk: Something that says: "leather daddy"?
    Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?
    • This leads to Tobias showing up in full leather regalia, complete with a collar and bracelet (which he for some reason has decided to connect with a chain, leading to him accidentally chocking himself repeatedly) and assless chaps (which he is hilariously still wearing his cut-off jeans underneath):
      Maeby: (stares in bafflement at Tobias) Did you get a job or something?
      Tobias: No. No, I didn't. Unless you consider "World's Coolest Daddy" a job!
  • Lucille trying to dissuade Lucille 2 from her relationship with Buster:
    Lucille: You know, he's damaged goods. He was born with a hole in his heart.
    Lucille 2: Listen to me, Lucille, Iím going to fill that hole, 'cause we're in love!
    Lucille: Oh, please. You're no more in love with him than I am.
    Buster: Okay, we're all saying some things we're going to regret!
  • When George Michael chastises his father about stealing a chair from work, Michael tries to use "I'm the one that taught you stealing is bad" as an argument.

Pier Pressure
  • Gob talks about his moonlighting as a member of the Hot Cops stripper group might have come across as a bit too believable.
    (Gob walks up to a door dressed in a cop outfit and carrying a briefcase)
    Gob: (knocks on door) Police! Open up!
    (Gob squats down to pick up some stuff from his briefcase, thereby narrowly avoiding a shotgun blast that takes the upper part of the door with it; he takes one short look at the hole in the door and quietly slinks away)
  • George Sr. informing Michael that they killed J. Walter Weatherman "when you left the door open with the air conditioner on."
  • The drug deal gone wrong. All of it. Especially when it turns out to be completely fake.

Public Relations
  • Lindsay and Lucille's argument:
    Lindsay: (sobbing) How can you treat me this way?!
    Lucille: Oh, please! Everything I've said about you can be covered with makeup and a lie about a thyroid problem!
  • Buster being the perfect Milford man:
    Narrator: Buster so excelled at being neither seen nor heard that he remained at the school, undetected, for a full two semesters after he was supposed to graduate.

    Buster: I shall be neither seen nor heard. Watch me!
    Lucille: You can always tell a Milford man.
  • Jessie: There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town.
    Tobias: Well, that certainly leaves me out! (chuckles, then notices the rest of the family staring at him) ...She... she said "single". You did say "single", correct? I...
  • Lindsay: (reads from newspaper) "Lindsayís a combative, entitled princess"?! I should hire somebody to kick your ass for that!
  • The content is awful, but the delivery is perfect.
    Earl Milford: Please don't send me back. They abuse us, it's not pleasant!
    GOB: Earl, I have to take you back. It's the only way to clear my name.
    Earl Milford: You'll have a new name! Hero!

Marta Complex
  • Lucille: You tricked me.
    Michael: I deceived you, Mom. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.
    Lucille: Touché.
  • George Michael attempt in vain to find a fitting candy heart quote for his situation.
  • The family chanting "Speech" over and over again.
    Narrator: The family continued to chant "speech, speech, speech" for no one in particular.
  • Narrator: Tobias arrived at his audition for Frightened Inmate #2. The competition frightened Tobias, which he felt he could use in his performance. Unfortunately, this made him more confident, which frightened him again.
  • Michael and Marta's One Dialogue, Two Conversations.

Beef Consommé
  • Barry: Look, there is nothing to it. Itís an arraignment. They announce the charges... However, it would help if you all showed up, looking like a loving, supportive family.
    Lucille: For how long?
    Barry: Ten minutes, tops.
    Lucille: See if you can get it down to five.
  • The implication that Gob enjoys listening to a recording of himself while having sex.
  • Lindsay and Tobias' argument:
    Lindsay: That's my point, you— (notices that Maeby is listening) handsome cowboy, you.
    Tobias: Oh, great! And now you're mocking me!? You selfish cun(also notices Maeby) try-music-loving lady!
  • George Michael tries to ask Tobias to expand upon his cryptic remark he dropped early about Maeby's conception. Tobias misunderstands and instead launches into explaining his version of the Birds and the Bees:
    Tobias: Uh, when a man needs to prove to a woman that he's actua— (pauses) When a man loves a woman, and he actually wants to make love, uh, to her, something very, very special happens. And with deep, deep concentration and, and great focus, he's often able to achieve an erec—
    George Michael: I'm sorry, I'm going to stop you. I know what you mean. I-I didn't mean babies in general.
    Tobias: Oh, well that's good! Because it was about to get a little, eh, gross.
  • Buster enters the courtroom along with the Mariachi band he hired.
    Lucille: Oh, for God's sake! He's on his own for two days, and he joins a gang.
  • George Sr. is dismayed at the lacking family attendance at the court meeting:
    George Sr.: Where the hell is everybody?!
    Gob: I'm here, dad.
    George Sr.: I can't believe no one showed up!

Shock and Aww
  • The fact that Lucille only adopted Annyong to spite Buster for refusing to eat his cottage cheese.
  • Lindsay mistaking George Michael's crush on his ethics teacher, Beth, for being a wish to fix her up with Michael with so she could fill the role of his mother. Much Incest Subtext ensues.
    Lindsay: Ah, sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher. Thereís nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
    George Michael: ...You're my aunt.
    Lindsay: That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
    (Lindsay walks out with a big smile on her face)
    Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
    George Michael: ...Yikes!
  • George Michael proudly shows Michael the heart-shaped Saddam Hussein collage he has made for Beth.
    George Michael: I just made this for her.
    Michael: Oh...
    George Michael: Yeah, she loves Saddam Hussein.
    Michael: I'm sure she doesn't "love" Saddam. I'm sure she is interested in him as a subject, you know?
    (beat)
    George Michael: Right. That's what I meant.
    • Later, Michael when brings the collage along and Beth sees it:
      Michael: Um, Listen... Uh, this is...
      Beth: Wow! Did you make this for me? This is so sweet. I love Hussein!
      (beat)
      Michael: You mean, you're interested in him.
      Beth: Oh, yes! He is a monster. Wow, where did you find this one of him in a Speedo?
  • George Sr. getting a spiritual admirer (actually an undercover agent from the goverment):
    Cindi Lightballoon: Oh, I've already told you so many of my sins. Maybe you could tell me some of yours.
    George Sr.: Yeah, well there are legal implications to that, but... back to your sins. Do that one about the ladies' shower in your college dorm again.

Staff Infection
  • The introduction of Gob's bizarre chicken impression:
    Buster: That is not how a chicken sounds. Chickens don't clap!

Missing Kitty
  • When Michael fires Kitty, she responds by lifting up her top to show off her newly enlarged breasts (from an operation that was obviously botched) and tells him to take a good look because it is the last time he will she them, and then leaves:
    Michael: (watching her leave) ...That's like the seventh nipple I've seen today.
    • Later when when Kitty attempts to extort Michael and he meets with her to hear her demands, the meeting doesn't go well:
      Kitty: Say good-bye to your company, Michael... And say good-bye...
      (Kitty lifts up her top)
      Michael: (horrified) No, no, no, no!
      Kitty: ...to these! 'Cause it's the last time! (she walks off)
      (Michael sighs in defeat)
  • Lindsay and Maeby decides to pay a visit to Lucille's elderly mother to beg for a hand-out:
    Lindsay: (to Maeby) Now, remember, sheís a very old woman. We're going to get in, get the cash and get out.
    Old Woman: (opens the door) ...Is this who I think it is?
    Lindsay and Maeby: Nana! (hugs the old woman)
    Narrator: Unfortunately, the woman who now lived there was not their Nana, a fact that took Lindsay and Maeby an hour and a half to ascertain.
    (ninety minutes later, Lindsay and Maeby runs out of the old woman's house)
    Lindsay: Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album! We're not in the photo album!
  • Tobias tries to tell Warden Gentiles that he needs to get out of the prison again after George Sr. sold him to White Power Bill:
    Warden Gentiles: But didn't you come here to research the nature of fear?! I canít think of any better teacher than White Power Bill. He's like a masters course unto himself!
    Tobias: So you think I'm a coward?
    Warden Gentiles: ...There's only one man I've ever called a "coward", and that's Brian Doyle-Murray... No, what I'm calling you... is (with undisguised disgust) a television actor.
    Tobias: ...Ouch!
  • The moment Tobias inadvertently manages to pull a Break Them by Talking on White Power Bill is darkly funny:
    Narrator: Meanwhile, Tobias found his experience as a therapist was helping him deal with his new cellmate.
    Tobias: Yes, but where does the hate come from, Bill? What causes it?
    White Power Bill: ...The Jews, I guess.
    Tobias: Well, sure, but I think you need to look deeper. I think these are issues of self-esteem. I know what it's like. I know how it feels to have a father, or in my case, a father-in-law who doesn't respect you. Any-anyhoo, we have very little time before this, uh, "4:00 pounding" you promised me. I'm going to take a shot at something and say that I think you hate... White Power Bill.
    White Power Bill: I hate you!
    Tobias: You hate White Power Bill.
    White Power Bill: I hate the government!
    Tobias: You hate White Power Bill.
    White Power Bill: I hate my father! (his expression changes to a look of complete depression as he realizes what he said)
    PA System: Recreation. All prisoners, one hour.
    Tobias: (slaps Bill on the back as he walks out) Go get 'em!
    (White Power Bill staggers over to the railing and places himself on top of it)
    White Power Bill: (in abject despair) I hate White Power Bill... (jumps off the railing to his death)
  • Tobias has a breakthrough in his insight into the "Frightened Inmate #2" role when George Sr. admits that he is angry at him because he feels he has taken Lindsay away from him and he fears he will never get her back:
    Tobias: Afraid...? You're afraid. Fear has turned into hate. So Frightened Inmate #2 isn't "frightened" at all. He's angry. He's a crabby old coot, and he needs love... just like everyone. (embraces George Sr.)
    Other Inmates: Awwwww!
    George. Sr: (Tranquil Fury) Get your [bleep]ing hands off me.
    • And then:
      Tobias:Somewheeeere over the rainbow... There's another rainbow.

Altar Egos
  • Barry trying to pick up a prostitute in his car:
    Barry: Hey, you're not one of those silly men that's dressed like a woman, are you?
    Prostitute: No, baby, I'm the real thing!
    (Barry quickly drives off)
  • Lucille: Oh, George, I should have never doubted you. Even when you slept with my sister it was for a good reason.
    George Sr.: Got you to stop drinking, didn't it?

Justice Is Blind
  • Tobias attempting to break into Maggie Lizer's house. With Unnecessary Combat Rolls. Keyword: attempting.
    • Plus, Maggie comes home but can't reveal that she knows he's there without giving away that she's not blind, so both of them are forced to spend quite some time awkwardly moving around each other, neither acknowledging the other's presence.
  • George Michael confronts Maeby over her double-life as Surely. Maeby tries to reassure him:
    Maeby: Who's going to get mad at the dying girl?
    George Michael: Surely's dying?!
    Maeby: I figure I'll kill her off just before graduation, just so everyone gets really sad before prom.
  • Lindsay decides she wants to spearhead a movement to remove the Ten Commandments sculpture outside the courthouse as she broke her heel on it:
    Lindsay: I've always been very passionate about the separation of church and state.
    Michael: What are you going to do with them?
    Lindsay: Oh, I don't know. Give them to a school.
  • Michael and Maggie being unable to keep their hands off each other:
    Michael: (waking up in Maggie's bed) Oh, no! I'm supposed to be at the prison to talk to my dad in a half an hour.
    Maggie: I can't believe we did this again!
    Michael: It was so stupid!
    Maggie: Incredibly stupid. It's like we're making naughty sex even naughtier.
    (beat as Michael and Maggie look at each other, then they start kissing each other passionately)
    One Hour Later...
    Michael: Oh, no! I was supposed to be at the prison to talk to my dad a half an hour ago.
  • The flashback with George Sr. and Buster:
    (Buster fiddles with his tie)
    George Sr.: No, no. Let me help you with that, son. (tightens the tie) Hey, enjoy yourself tonight, (drops his jovial tone) because you are out of here. I'm not going to spend my retirement watching you wipe your nose on your sleeve. (tightens the tie even more)
    Buster: I can't breathe, Dad!
    George Sr.: (sheeting with barely restrained anger) Neither can I.
  • Gob recruits Tobias to help him with his break-in:
    Gob: But it's a tough job. Requires agility. (turns his back to Tobias)
    (Tobias immediately jumps up on his back and clings to him)
    Tobias: (whispers in Gob's ear) This kind of agility?
    Gob: (chuckles) Let's go, little man. (walks off carrying Tobias on his back)

Best Man for the Gob
  • Michael says to George Sr. that Gilligan prefers being called by his first name, Ira:
    George Sr.: Well, he never told me that!
    (flashback)
    George Sr.: (to Michael) Gilligan has promised me that all this money will be safe in I.R.A.s.
    Ira Gilligan: (annoyed) It's "Ira", sir.
    George: Oh, I'm sorry, Gilligan. Will be safe in "Ira's."
    (another flashback)
    George: (reading papers) What the hell is this, Gilligan?!
    Ira Gilligan: (exasperated) It's "Ira", sir. Please call me I— (bumps into George Sr.)
    George: Gilligan!
  • Michael trying to convince everyone that he's as fun as anyone.
    Michael: Now where are the strippers? You got a little back room going, huh, huh ? No, hey, just relax, I'm as fun as anybody. I can handle a back room! (looks inside back room) ...I'm calling the cops.
    Hot Cops (in disguise as partygoers): We're changing again, guys.
  • The stripper awakens to find Buster unconscious with what appeared to be blood (but was actually juice) around his mouth, and thought she had killed him for groping her. Her reaction?
    Stripper: Not again!

Whistler's Mother
  • When Lucille hugs young Michael in the flashback, its hilariously evident from his bewildered reaction that he just isn't used to his mother showing him physical affection.
    Young Michael: What is this? What's happening?!
    • And then it comes back as a Brick Joke in the present:
      Michael: What's this? What's happening?!
      Lucille: It's going to be all right.
      Michael: Why are you squeezing me with your body?
      Lucille: It's a hug, Michael; I'm hugging you.
  • The introduction of Uncle Oscar:
    George Sr.: (over phone) So, listen, my twin brother's in town. I want you to take care of him.
    Michael: You still see Uncle Oscar?
    George Sr.: Tell you what. Give him ten grand from the new cash, just send him on his way.
    Michael: Dad, the money is for the business, okay? I'm not just going to hand it all out.
    George Sr.: Michael, this is my brother. Do you know what it's like to have a sibling who has no source of income except for you?
    Michael: Just one? No, no idea. It sounds wonderful, though.
  • Michael's attempt to encourage his employees to be whistle-blowers by handing out actual whistles degenerates quickly.
  • Oscar: Well, you do the best with what you have. I have lemons, I make lemonade.
    Michael: That's a very positive attitude.
    Oscar: But I hate the lemonade business, I hate the grind! You have to grind so many [bleep]ing lemons!
    Michael: You're not a very metaphorical person, are you?
  • Gob's wife (whose name he doesn't know) falls for Tobias and struggles to make Gob understand the pretty unambiguous statement "I'm in love with your brother-in-law":
    Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army?
    Wife: No! Your sister's husband.
    Gob: Michael? Michael!
    Wife: That's your sister's brother.
    Gob: I'm my sister's brother. You love me. Me!
    Wife: I'm in love with Tobias!
    Gob: My brother-in-law?
    Wife: But I know it'll never work out so I'm enlisting in the army.
    Gob: To be with your brother?

Not Without My Daughter
  • The flashbacks of George Michael going to the Bluth Company's "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day". So Unfunny, It's Funny humor at its finest.
    (we see a flashback of a six year-old George Michael accompanying Michael to work)
    Narrator: Michael had first made this joke when George Michael was six.
    Michael: Well, sheís not my daughter, but itís about as close as Iím going to get.
    Young George Michael: Iím a good little girl! (curtsies, as Michael's co-workers laugh)
    (we see another flashback, of George Sr. leading a meeting in a boardroom)
    Narrator: It was a joke that Michael was starting to grow concerned about, as it had not worn well with age.
    (George Michael pokes his head into the boardroom)
    George Michael: Hey, Dad! Theyíre out of sanitary napkins in the ladies' washroom! (laughs)
    George Sr.: Weird kid...
  • Gob is proud of the fact that his magic has gotten a spot on the new Girls With Low Self-Esteem DVD. So he tries to show it off to the family:
    Michael: Hang on! Gob, you're not going to put that in. There's nudity on that. Maeby, why don't you go upstairs and get dressed?
    Tobias: I must warn you, Michael, she doesn't respond well to strict directives.
    Maeby : (nonchalantly) All right. (leaves)
    Tobias: That was odd...
    Michael: Not really. Kids love boundaries. I mean, look at these girls. (points the half-nude young women in the video stripping and showing off for the camera) Is this what you want?
    Tobias: Oh, God, no!
    Michael: This could be where your daughter is headed.
    Tobias: ...Oh, no, no, I donít want this for Maeby either. No.
    • And when Gob finally gets to the bit on the DVD with his show:
      Gob: Oh, here it is! Here it is!
      Announcer: It was a wild time on the beach, and if you like magic, look away! (repeated cut to one of Gob's "illusions" failing miserably) The only thing this guy could make fly away was the crowd!
      (a disillusioned Gob quietly turns off the TV; awkward silence follows)
      Tobias: Douche-chill...
  • Michael: Lindsay, new outfit?
    Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.
    Michael: You got a price tag. Right there.
    Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
    Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me.
  • Michael takes Maeby to take-your-daughter-to-work-day and is visited by police inquiring about the disappearance of his his father's secretary, Kitty:
    Maeby: So, you killed Kitty, huh?
    Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.
    (whoops and hollers heard from the conference room)
    Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we?
    Maeby': Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?
  • Michael asks Annyong what is going on:

Let Them Eat Cake
  • This exchange in the Season 1 finale:
    Michael: What kind of job?
    Lindsay: Beads!
    Gob: Bees?!
    Lindsay: Beads.
    Gob: BEADS?!
    Michael: ... Gob's not on board.
    • And Gob's proclamation afterwards:
      Gob: Well, Iíll start my own business! How hard can it be? (he buzzes; Michael stares amused at him) Bzz! We'll see who brings in more honey. (buzzes as he walks away; Lindsay sends him a bewildered look)
      Michael: He's thinking about bees again.
  • Gob: Well, I've got a meeting with Dadís attorney today. He's going to want me to take a lie detector test to use as evidence in Dad's trial, but I don't want to. What if they ask about a magic trick? I can't risk it.
    Michael: They're not going to ask you anything. They want me to take the polygraph test.
    Gob: ...But I'm the oldest! The matriarch if you will.
    Michael: (amused) Sure. I will.
    • The follow-up with Lucille and George Sr.:
      Barry: We've got your polygraph set up for tomorrow.
      Michael: About that...
      Gob: I'll tell them, Michael... I won't do it! I'm afraid of what I might know.
      George Sr.: (nonchalant) You? No one wants you. Does anyone want him, Barry?
      Barry: Who would want him?
      Lucille: They don't want you.
      Gob: (deflated) ...Good.
  • The flashback with Lindsay's attempt at an original business idea, "Mommy, What Will I Look Like?", a photo-enhancing service that made the photographed child look half a century older. It failed to catch on:
    Lindsay: Hey, you put an ugly kid in, you can't be surprised when an ugly adult comes out!
  • Michael meets with Barry and his parents:
    Barry: Our star witness! Come here. Good to see you! (hugs Michael and kisses him on the neck) You know what? Don't get too close to me. 'Cause I've got an itch you can't believe! I think something laid eggs on me.
    Michael: (nervously rubbing his neck) Thanks for the heads-up.
  • Michael: I got a call from Kitty this morning. [...] She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.
    Gob: Oh, that is just great! And now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again! I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, letís have G.O.B. [bleep] our way out of it!"
  • Michael: Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.
    Lucille: And a lot of love.
    Michael: ...More lies.
  • Michael: You're building houses in Iraq?! Do you know how they punish treason?
    George Sr.: ...First time.
    Michael: I've never heard of a second.
    George Sr.: Oh, I've got the worst [bleep]ing attorneys.

    Season Two 
In General

The One Where Michael Leaves
  • The beginning of Tobias' attempt to join the Blue Man Group
    Michael: You haven't auditioned yet?
    Tobias: Oh, no, no. I'm not in the group yet. No, I'm afraid I just blue myself.
    Michael: ...There's got to be a better way to say that.
    • Later as Tobias is walking around painted dark blue at night-time, it leads him to get run over by Barry.
      Barry: What the hell was that?!
      • As the family gathers in the hospital once again:
        Michael: Everything's going to be okay! I'm sure he's going to be fine. I'm so sorry that this happened. I spoke to him just before he left the house.
        Lindsay: Oh really? What did he say? What was the last thing he said?
        (flashback)
        Tobias: I'm afraid I just blue myself.
        (end flashback)
        Michael: ... He said some wonderful things.
  • Michael finds out that Lucille has send Gob in to replace him as president of the Bluth Company:
    Michael: Well, I better get over there before he brings the whole company down.
    Lindsay: It's only been three hours. How much damage could he really do?
    (Description Cut to Gob ordering a construction worker to punch holes in the walls of his office with a sledgehammer so he can play pool)
    Narrator: In three hours, Gob had done $45,000 in damage.
  • When Michael finds that Lucille has the company check book at the moment:
    Narrator: Michael now had the distasteful choice of asking his mother for money or going to jail.
    Michael (sighs) Maybe Buster killed her already...

The One Where They Build a House
  • Lindsay and Tobias announces that they are going to try an open relationship:
    Maeby: You guys think you have the guts to go through with this? Seeing other people?
    Narrator: In fact, neither Lindsay nor Tobias did have the guts to go through with it...
    Tobias: I already have.
    Lindsay: I have, too.
    (flashback to Lindsay at a bar)
    Lindsay: (flirtatiously) Can I buy you a drink?
    Bar patron: No...
    Narrator: ... Lindsay, because she'd lost her self-confidence...
    (Lindsay, thinking she has been rejected, leaves the bar)
    Bar patron: I'd like to buy you a drink! ...Where's she going?
    Narrator: ... And Tobias because he was busy keeping an eye on Lindsay.
    (the blue painted Tobias watches Lindsay disguised as a part of the wall)
  • Undoubtedly this exchange, which was the culmination of an episode's worth of rock/paper/scissors jokes:
    Narrator: G.O.B. charged at Michael with the scissors, but Michael...
    Michael: Put it down.
    Narrator: ... as he always did, picked rock...
    G.O.B.: Make it collapse. Make me look foolish.
    Michael: G.O.B., donít do this. G.O.B., the scissors!
    Narrator: ... which beat scissors. Unfortunately, the whole incident was covered by the paper.
  • Gob buys a yacht called The Seaward, and Michael is annoyed by this expense. Then their mother shows up at the tail end of the conversation and mishears "The Seaward" as "the c-word":
    Michael: [to GOB] I want you to get rid of The Seaward.
    Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready!
    • Note that GOB's other yacht in the initial finale is actually called ''The C-Word,'' so written.
  • Michael's look of utter despondent horror and nausea when George Michael describes how Ann makes "mayoneggs":
    George Michael: Are you okay?
    Michael: I don't feel so good.

Good Grief
  • Gob: So, did you see the new Poof?
    Michael: (quickly closes the door to his office) His name's Gary! And we don't need any more lawsuits, okay?
    Gob: No, I was talking about the magazine... Wait, Gary's gay?
    Michael: Yeah.
    Gob: Uh-oh! He's going to think I was coming on to him.
    (flashback to Gary licking an envelope)
    Gob: You got a nice mouth!
    (flashback to Gary standing on a chair to get something from a shelf)
    Gob: I'd kill for that ass...
    (flashback to Gary sitting in Gob's lap)
    Gob: (rocking back and forth in his chair) Okay, the chair's not doing it now, but lately it's been giving out as soon as I lean back...
    • Later as Gob expresses his frustration with how Tony Wonder stole his act and got into the current issue of Poof:
      Gob: I SHOULD BE IN THIS POOF!
      (Gary, who is working on something in the background, looks nervously at Gob and quickly walks away)
  • Ann and George Michael are talking as Michael shows to tell the latter that George Sr. has been found:
    Ann: It just seems like every time we want to be together, your father—
    Michael: Hey, guys. What's going on? Why is the banana stand closed?
    George Michael: Oh, Ann came to see me, so I thought I'd take a little break. Can we talk about this later?
    Michael: Sure, no problem. Just... let's keep the phone on, okay, pal? Great. (to Ann) Hey, you!
    Ann: See? That's a perfect example of how your father always interrupt—
    (George Michael's phone rings)
    George Michael: I'm sorry. (takes the call) Hello?
    Michael: Hey, buddy! They found your grandfather. That's what I wanted to tell you.
    George Michael: (annoyed) Yeah, that's great.
    Michael: I didn't want to say that before when you were talking to Egg.
    George Michael: I'm actually still talking with Ann.
  • The family is trying to process George Sr.'s apparent death:
    Lindsay: These are his teeth. He had such perfect teeth. It was that Glisten.
    Gob: He swore by that Glisten.
    Lindsay: I can still hear him now. "Who left the cap off my [bleep]ing Glisten?!" (breaks into tears)
    • Also Gob still being sore over not getting into Poof
      Lindsay: We don't even have a body.
      Gob: (quietly) I will be my father's body.
      (Michael looks disapprovingly at Gob)
      Gob: I will be the one buried... Because he loved magic so very much.
      Michael: (clearly disgusted) I don't think Gob knows what he's saying...
      Gob: I know exactly what I'm saying! (rises dramatically from his seat) I will be buried in my fatherís place, and then one week later I will emerge from the grave in one of the greatest illusions ever!
      Michael: This is all about getting into Poof?
      Gob: I mean, how does that not get me a cover?
  • George Michael accidentally finds George Sr.'s hiding place:
    George Michael Pop-Pop?!
    George Sr.: Hide me! Don't turn in Pop-Pop! Help Pop-Pop!
  • The explanation of how George Sr. managed to get out of Mexican jail and then fake his death:
    Narrator: After being arrested, he found a loophole in the Mexican judicial system.
    George Sr.: (offers a wad of cash to two prison guards) I have money.
  • George Sr. and George Michael talk about their problems with women:
    George Michael: I understand what that feels like. I was dumped today. And the bad part is, I can't even tell my dad how upset I am about it, because he'll think that I should just be upset about you.
    George Sr.: (completely earnestly) He wouldn't be wrong.
  • George Michael points out Ann to George Sr.:
    George Michael: Oh, my god! That's Ann.
    George Sr.: Who?
    George Michael: It's the girl who ripped my heart out. The girl whose face will always be etched in my mind.
    George Sr.: ...Her?
    George Michael: ...She's really funny.
    George Sr.: Well, let's hope so.
  • After Michael's touching eulogy about telling the truth and trusting each other, George Michael tries to confess that he is hiding George Sr. in the attic. Michael, however, is operating under the mistaken belief that George Michael has been holding secret meetings with Ann up there:
    George Michael: (on Michael's eulogy) That was great.
    Michael: Well, I meant it. So no more secret trips up to the attic, right?
    Narrator: George Michael didn't want to betray his grandfather, but it appeared that his father already knew the truth.
    George Michael: I have Pop-Pop in the attic.
    Michael: What?! The mere fact that you call making love "Pop-Pop" tells me you're not ready!
  • Any instance of "Christmastime Is Here" playing when the character are experiencing grief (When George Michael breaks up with Ann, or when GOB finds out that he made Poof's "Goof of the Year").
    • Special mention goes to Tobias' usage:
      Tobias: (when Michael doesn't seem upset over George's apparent death) Here comes John Wayne. "I'm not gonna cry about my pa! I'm gonna build an airport! Put my name on it!" Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? You can keep them bottled up, but they will come out, Michael, sometimes in the most unexpected... (stops while checking fridge) ...Hey... Where the [bleep] ARE MY HARD-BOILED EGGS?! (slowly walks away as Charlie Brown music plays)
  • From The Stinger:
    Michael: No, Pop-Pop does not "get a treat". I just brought you a [bleep]ing pizza!

Sad Sack
  • George Michael returns home with the results of his math-test. Michael's barely subdued aggression towards Ann is what sells it.
    Michael: How'd that math test work out?
    George Michael: Oh, it was okay, I guess, but... I don't know. It was weird; I studied with Ann, but I still got a B-minus.
    Michael: Ann got you a B-minus?
    George Michael: Well, it wasn't Ann. She's an expert in math. Isn't that cute?
    Michael: (trying to keep himself from scowling) Is it?
    Narrator: Michael felt his son was setting the bar too low with his dating standards.
    George Michael: No, it wasn't Ann's fault. You know, I think I just ended up thinking about the-the questions too long, and then by the time I put an answer down, I went with, like, my fifth choice or something like that.
    Michael: Oh, George Michael, never settle for fifth choice. Something better is going to come along. She just has to.
  • The prosecutor, Wayne Jarvis, attempts to grill Gob for information:
    Gob: I don't know anything about the business! I told you!
    Jarvis: We're going to get you, Bluth! We'll give you a few minutes to think about what you want to do.
    (Jarvis and his assistant, Cho, leaves the room)
    Jarvis: He knows less than anyone we have ever questioned.
    • Gob, out of deep desperation, prepares to hang himself in his belt while Jarvis and Cho are outside.
      (Jarvis re-enters the room)
      Jarvis: You're free to go.
      (cut to a confused Gob standing with his pants around his ankles)
  • Barry wants to know if Michael knows where George Sr. is:
    Michael: I know where my father is, okay? He came back to make sure that my mother was really in love with my uncle. He wants to know if heís still got a shot with her. If he doesn't, he's leaving.
    Barry: Well, if he's got a shot with her, just give me a little tap on the fanny.
    Michael: It's not going to happen.
  • The flashback to the playground where a young Gob "helps" a young Buster overcoming his fear of slides.
    (Buster is positioned at the top of a slide, hesitating to slide down)
    Young Gob: Come on! Do it!
    (Buster slides down; as he does so Gob punches him square in the chest)
    Young Buster: A-uuh!
    Young Gob: Now, when you do this without getting punched in the chest, you'll have more fun!
    Young Buster: (whimpering) Thanks, brother.
  • George Sr. having gotten his hands on Tracy's old baby-stuff in the attic.
    George Sr.: Hey, by the way, I broke this thing. What the hell is it, anyway?
    Michael: That's a breast pump, Dad.
    George Sr.: Oh! Well... (quickly picks up his book and pretends to read) I did not use it for that.

Afternoon Delight
  • Michael singing "Afternoon Delight" on karaoke with Maeby until he comes to the suddenly realization that the song is "more adult-themed than its innocent melody would have you believe."
  • Michael's One Dialogue, Two Conversations moment with Oscar:
    Michael: My mom is very stressed out, and, uh, she needs something that I can't give her. Um... maybe a little "Afternoon Delight"?
    Narrator: Oscar thought that Michael was referring to a particular brand of cannabis named "Afternoon Deelite," a strain famous for slowing behavior.
    Oscar: Well, sure! The question is, which way do I try to get it in her?
    Michael: I don't need any details!
    Oscar: Maybe... I'll put it in her brownie.
    Michael: HEY!
  • Tobias getting run over again; this time by a high-as-a-kite Lucille.

Switch Hitter
  • Lucille discussing her attempts to get Buster out of the army:
    Lucille: I've done everything I can. I even tried to convince them he's gay, but no one would believe that a woman like me would have a gay son!
    Michael: Well, you certainly tried. You guys wore matching outfits till he was 12.
    Narrator: Even once in a magazine cover that had been mocked within the family for years.
    (cutaway to a issue of the Balboa Bay Window magazine with Lucille and a young Buster on the cover and a headline reading: "Why I want to marry my mother by Buster Bluth, age 10")
  • Michael castigating Gob and Lucille for making fun of Stan Sitwell's lack of hair:
    Michael: It's called alopecia, and I'd appreciate it if we could all be sensitive to it, okay? He happens to be a very modest and generous man.
    Lucille: "Modest and generous"? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some...?
    Michael: Go ahead, Mom, finish the thought. "Every time some children's hospital needs funding"?
    Lucille: Nonetheless. We could get a giant checkbook, too. We're just not that starved for attention.
    (cutaway to the aforementioned magazine with Lucille and the young Buster on the cover)
  • Gob's constant sexual harassment of the female players at the company baseball tournament:
    Michael: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.

Queen for a Day
  • Gob's brief stint working for Sitwells:
    Narrator: Although he started off well...
    (caption: Day one)
    Gob: 52% of the country is single. That's a market that's been dominated by apartment rentals. Let's take some of that market. I call it "Single City."
    Narrator: ...his ideas failed to evolve.
    (caption: Day two)
    Gob: It's, like, "Hey, you want to go down to the whirlpool?" "Yeah, I don't have a husband." I call it "Swing City."
    Stan Sitwell: Let's get into some new areas, if you don't mind...
    Narrator: But Gob continued to fine-tune his first one.
    (caption: Day three)
    Gob: How do we filter out the teases? We don't let them in!
    (caption: Day four)
    Gob: This goes for the guys, too! Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in "*bleep* City"! (holds his hand up for a high-five)
    Stan Sitwell: ... You're fired.
    • Then later:
      Gob: So, Michael, listen. I'm here to convince you to hire me back. I'm an ideas man, Michael! I think I proved that with "*bleep* Mountain".
  • Michael confronting George Sr. about his purchasing of company cars:
    Michael: Yeah, listen, did you buy a company car for everyone in the family except me?
    George Sr.: Well, according to the books, I gave you... four.
  • Michael tries to argue that he needs another car than the stair-car:
    Michael: And most importantly, Dad, my son does not like to be seen in it.
    George Sr.: (laughing) But he's okay being seen with that girl?!
    Michael: It makes no sense, I know.
    George Sr.: (serious again) It doesn't.

Burning Love
  • Lucille: Michael, how would you like me to owe you a favor? I want you to bid on me at the charity auction this year.
    Michael: Okay, now I'd like to use up my favor and decline.
    • Michael then later realizing that he does actually need that favor:
      Michael: Hey, Mom, I need to borrow your country club card. There's a... friend I have that has lunch there often I'd like to run into.
      Lucille: Sounds like youíre asking for a favor.
      Michael: And I know what that's going to cost me. I'm willing to bid on you.
      Lucille: I'll give you the money. Start at five grand. If there are other bidders, back off gracefully. Shout out, "I get her 364 days a year for free" or something.
      Michael: You're not going to hear that phrase.
  • Fried cheese... with club sauce!
  • George Sr. somehow getting the idea that you can use a hot tub to cook food.
    Michael: What happened to you?
    George: I tried to drink some of the water, and it was too hot and it tasted like soy sauce. I think the teriyaki chicken burst.
    Michael:That's why people typically don't cook in these, or install them in attics.

Ready, Aim, Marry Me
  • Lucille is unhappy with Gob and Lucille 2's relationship.
    Michael: I certainly hope she's not planning a move.
    Lucille: I wouldn't put it past her! She'd love to get at me any way she could. That's why she's been flirting with Gob. She's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am, but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for Gob!
    Michael: ...I think that makes the joke on Gob.
  • Tobias is on a roll with his Double Entendres this episode:
    Tobias: I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
    Michael: It's just— There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.
    • And which leads to:
      Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren't you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.
      Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you're going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.
      • And finally, in the "On the next..." segment:
        Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
        Tape: ...even it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!
        Tobias: Nothing wrong with that.
        Tape: Oh, Iíve been in the film business for a while, but I just canít seem to get one in the can.
        Tobias: It's out of context.
        Tape: I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks... So to speak.
        Narrator: ...And he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
        Tobias: Tobias... you blowhard!
  • Michael has been given a date-themed gift basket after bidding on Sally Sitwell at the bachelorette auction, but do to various misunderstandings he believes that she is trying to avoid him, so he tries repeatedly to unload it on somebody else, first George Michael:
    Michael: So, what do you say? We got a basket full of father-son fun here.
    George Michael: (examining the basket's contents) What's Kama Sutra oil?
    Michael: ...Maybe it's not for us.
    • Then Tobias:
      Michael: Why don't you take this? I don't have anyone to go with, anyway.
      Tobias: Oh. Can you imagine how jealous that would make her? "Where's Tobias?" "Oh, he's just sharing a romantic horseback ride with Michael Bluth, and they're dipping each other in—" Oh, you didn't get any body chocolate?
  • Buster: Hey, fake Uncle Jack.
  • Lindsay: Remember me?
    Uncle Jack: Lucille? (lustfully) Why, you look younger than you did the day I—
    Lucille: No, you old fool! I'm Lucille!
    (Uncle Jack turns around to look at Lucille, then shrieks in horror upon seeing her)
    Uncle Jack: (regains composure) You look fabulous! (to his aide) Back to the blond! Back to the blond! Isn't she beautiful? Oh, yeah...
  • Michael and Maeby discusses Uncle Jack:
    Maeby: He's kind of scary, that guy, huh?
    George Michael: No, not to me. I think he's kind of cool.
    Maeby: Well, why don't you go get your kiss from Mr. Cool Half-Man?
    George Michael: (scoffs nervously) I... Okay, I'd be fine with that, so...
  • Buster discovers Gob in Lucille 2's apartment:
    Buster: Hey... brother?! What are you doing here?
    Gob: I'm... keeping an eye on the woman who controls our company.
    Buster: In her robe and slippies?
    Gob: I'm getting into her head. I think sheís planning on selling our company to Stan Sitwell. But I've lost her trail, and I don't think I have the skills to pick it up.
    Buster: Skills...? (does a Unnecessary Combat Roll and disappears from Gob's field of view)
    (four minutes later)
    Buster: (grabs Gob from behind and puts a knife to his throat) These kinds of skills?
    Gob: (carefully removes Buster's hand holding the knife) ...Not really.

Out on a Limb
  • George Michael: Oh, no, it's my dad! I'm supposed to be at work.
    Maeby: You know, George Michael, you worry too much. It's Sunday! You're allowed to have a couple of hours off. You don't see me nervous about being on my third Virgin Mary.
    George Michael: Why would you be nervous? There's no alcohol in a Virgin Mary.
    Maeby: There isn't? This is unbelievable! (to waiter) Can I get a Virgin Pina Colada when you get a chance? (to George Michael) Now we'll get things started.
    • Ann: George Michael, you said that you couldn't come to church because you were working. And now you're doing neither? Thatís quite a lot of sins for a Sunday afternoon, don't you think?
      Waiter: (to Maeby) Your Virgin Pina Colada.
      Ann: And now you're drinking?!
  • George Michael and Michael run into each other:
    George Michael: (frantically) I just shut down the banana stand for a half an hour. I can keep it open late tonight if you—
    Michael: No, no! Hey, come on. Make me sound like a taskmaster! ...But if-if you want to keep it open an extra hour, you know...
  • Michael: We need to speak to you about getting a divorce for Gob.
    Barry: Oh! Well, I got Michael out of his marriage, didn't I? (holds his hand up for a high-five)
    Michael: ... Actually, she died.
    Barry: You're kidding me. I've been taking credit for that for years!
  • Lucille has a hard time of accepting that Buster has joined the army and might be going to Iraq:
    Tobias: You know, Mother Lucille, thereís a psychological concept known as denial that I believe youíre evincing. Itís when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.
    Lucille: (fixes Tobias with a Death Glare) You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.
    (beat)
    Tobias: Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her. (quickly walks away)

Hand to God
  • Lucille decides to pray for the "second time in her life":
    Lucille: Lord, let Buster forget everything. And if you need to take another hand to make that happen... Please make it Gob's.
  • Buster's violent Freak-Out after accidentally injuring Oscar, resulting in him accidentally ripping off the strategically covering on the "Welcome Home, Buster!" so it reverts back to "You're killing me, Buster!"

Motherboy XXX
  • Barry Zuckercorn literally Jumping the Shark.
  • Lucille's conversation with Michael at the beginning of the episode:
    Lucille: Itís just, [Buster]'s been so mopey.
    Michael: Well, that could have something to do with the fact that a seal ate his hand.
    Lucille: I donít know what it is.
    Michael: I think thatís what it is.
  • The scary story that Ann tells the campers at the Promised Land is about a man with a hook for a hand. Guess who walks up to them?
    Buster: Hey, campers.
    (campers scream and run in fear)
    Buster: I'M A MONSTER!
  • The Burger King product placement.
    Narrator: Tobias met with Carl Weathers at Burger King.
    Carl Weathers: Thanks for meeting me down here at Burger King. I'm tryin' to get them to underwrite a new TV project I'm workin' on. Get some money in exchange for settin' a scene here in Burger King. (quick conspicuous cut to the exterior of the Burger King)
    Tobias: Well, as long as you don't draw attention to it.

    Carl Weathers: I'm gonna go get a new soda. Hey, you know that you can get a refill on any drink you want here, and it's free? (laughs)
    Tobias: (laughs) It's a wonderful restaurant!
    Narrator: (laughing) It sure is!
  • Carl Weathers want to discuss his new Scandal Makers episode about the Bluth Family with Tobias:
    Tobias: Oh, no! You want me to play myself, donít you? I swore I'd not go reality. I will do—
    Carl Weathers: No, no, no, no, no! I-I-I already got a great guy named Dave Attell to play you. I wasn't actually here to ask you to be in it. I was looking for somebody in your family to sign a release.
    Tobias: (sighs regretfully) I could not betray my family like that.
    Carl Weathers: Come on, man! I got every part cast... except for George Sr.
    Tobias: (without any hesitation) I want that part.

Immaculate Election
  • Narrator: Michael arrived to find the house still a mess a week after the fumigation.
    Michael: So you still havenít put this stuff back yet, huh? You've got to be the laziest person in the world.
    Lindsay: If you werenít all the way on the other side of the room, I'd slap your face.
  • Maeby "accidentally" calling Tobias, in his Mrs. Doubtfire-like guise of Mrs. Featherbottom, "Mr. Fingerbottom."
  • Gob's attack ad on Steve Holt:
    "Steve Holt is a bastard. He doesn't even know who his real father is."
    • This is then picked up again in the "On the next..." segment:
      Narrator: Steve Holt finally tracks down his real father.
      Steve Holt: I've been wondering my whole life who he is! A scientist, a doctor, a senator...
      Agency Man: Well, we got some bad news! (hands Steve a picture)
      Steve Holt: (looks at the picture, which is of Gob, while an ominous version of "The Final Countdown" plays in the background) Wow! ...Is that what's gonna happen to my hair?

Sword of Destiny
  • Tobias being very "gung-ho" in his attempt to prove to Michael that he is assistant material:
    Ted: Michael, Starla told us about the cutback. You know, a lot of our overhead is tied up in the fact that we are on the top floor of a very expensive building. If we move just one floor lower...
    Michael: Ted, everything's fine. I've got it all under control. And nobody needs to move.
    Tobias: I'm sorry. "Ted", is it?
    Ted: Yes?
    Tobias: "Ted". Did "Ted" make an appointment?
    Ted: No, I just work down the hall...
    Tobias: "No"? Well, then "Ted" can get THE HELL OUT OF THIS OFFICE!
    Ted: (to Michael) Talk to—
    Tobias: (kicks a chair towards Ted) YOU GET THE HELL OUT!!!
  • Gob trying to covertly to buy some Asian medicine for something that is not a migraine:
    Gob: Hi. I need a tea to give my "dingle" less tingle... (the clerk stares blankly at him) Me quick, want slow! ...Wait, that's Indian.
    Clerk: (to his assistant) TEA FOR DONG!
    (Gob flinches in embarrassment)
  • Another appearance of the literal-minded Dr. Fishman:
    Lucille: Oh, no! You're not taking care of my son!
    Dr. Fishman: I'm sorry to say this, but it's too late for me to do anything for your son...
    (the Bluth stares at Dr. Fishman in shocked silence for a moment)
    Michael: Let him keep talking!
    Dr. Fishman: ...Because Dr. Stein here has already been assigned to his case.
  • When Michael starts fussing over Lindsay teaching George Michael to drive:
    Lucille: Oh, for God's sake! Tobias is right!
    Michael: What?
    Lucille: You have to control everyone's life! I don't know where you get that from. Oscar, stop licking that sore!
    Oscar: I'm not!
  • The Actor Allusion dropped by Dr. Stein:
    Dr. Stein: Well, the operation went pretty smoothly. But once I got in there, the appendix wasn't so inflamed. D'oh!
    Lucille: (points at Dr. Stein) I knew it!
  • Tony Wonder's insistence on waiting to appear before people until to someone drops the word "wonder" in casual conversation, just so he can invoke the Inadvertent Entrance Cue, even if it is extremely inconvenient for both him and the people he has meetings with.

Meat the Veals
  • Breakfast with Mrs. Featherbottom:
    Mrs. Featherbottom: (serving sausages) Who would like a banger in the mouth? Of course, you Americans would call it a "sausage in the mouth"!
    Michael: We just call it "sausage".
  • Mrs Featherbottom's (i.e. Tobias') attempt to give Maeby a "magical entrance" Mary Poppins-style by jumping off a landing into the living room holding an umbrella. He crashes straight through the table and onto the floor below.
    Mrs Featherbottom: Wiiithhh aaaa magicalll-AH! (moaning in pain) ... We shan't be telling your mother this, shan't we?
  • A conversation about GOB's Jive Turkey Demonic Dummy, Franklin:
    Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasnít ready to hear.
    Michael: Gob, werenít you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
    Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasnít ready to hear either.
  • George Sr. and Gob stand around in the kitchen, discussing their plan to abduct Lucille:
    Gob: So how do we get her to the church? Tell her you're in here? Or..., no, cover her eyes and take her to the limo.
    George: No, you bring her in here, knock her out with this ether and you stuff her into this garment bag. Anyone sees, you do the same. (notices something) Oh, hi, Tobias.
    (the camera pans to reveal Tobias as Mrs. Featherbottom who has been standing in the kitchen all along)
    "Mrs. Featherbottom": Oh. ♪Wheeeen-ever I get a wee bit scared, I hum a little tune...♪ (starts leaving the kitchen as quickly as possible) ♪Hum, diddle-diddly, hum, dee doo...♪
    • Gob then points that he doesn't have a handkerchief for the ether:
      George Sr.: Fine. Put the ether on the puppet's lips (snaps fingers), have the puppet kiss her.
      Franklin: I ain't kissing that old bitch!
      George Sr.: (strangling Franklin) That's my wife, you bastard!
      Gob: Dad, that's my wrist!
      (George Sr. starts strangling Gob instead)
      Franklin: Hey, man, that's his neck!
  • Oscar's Leitmotif is particularly well-used here:
    Buster: GOB made me kiss Franklin, and I think my father was here.
    Oscar: Maybe... he still is.
    (Leitmotif starts playing, then gets cut off)
    Michael: Oh, shut up.
  • Lucille awakes to discover that George Sr. were the one behind her kidnapping:
    George Sr.: It's me. I-I'm taking you to renew our vows. But first... (kisses her on the forehead)
    Gob: (nervous) Uh, dad...?
    George Sr.: ...We make love.
    Gob: That partition doesn't go all the way up, remember?!
    Lucille: No. No! After your vows. I want to know you won't run out on me again. I need to know you're in it for keeps.
    George Sr.: Just let me see 'em... (moves to unbutton her shirt)
    Gob: (completely squicked out) Seriously, Dad! The radio doesn't work, either!
  • Tobias as Mrs. Featherbottom intentionally driving on the wrong side of the road to enhance his act.
    "Mrs. Featherbottom": I forgot we were in the Colonies!

Spring Breakout
  • The Narrator relentlessly Pretender Dissing the Scandal Maker Narrator:
    Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.
  • The flashback where the Bluths' attempted intervention for Lucille instead turns into "one of the Bluth family's better parties."
  • Buster getting drunk when he mistakes a wine box for a giant juice box:
    Narrator: It was the first taste of alcohol Buster had since he was nursing.
  • Michael visiting Lucille at rehab:
    Michael: I-I know that youíre upset with me because I brought you here under false pretences, but I really was worried about you.
    Lucille: Oh, please. I've been drinking since before you were born. So if alcoholís the reason I'm here, I got news for you, bub, it's the only reason youíre here, too.
    Michael: Hey, you're mean sober, too.

Righteous Brothers
  • When Oscar burns his hand:
    (Buster is using the Cornballer and leaving his prosthetic hand on the stove part, and Oscar, forgetting that the plastic hand is not Buster's real hand, rushes in to help him, burning himself in the process)
    Buster: I'm sorry! It's my father's fault!
    Oscar: My fault?! I was trying to keep you from burning yourself, you idiot! (music suddenly cuts to Oscar's Leitmotif) I mean, yes, yes, George Sr... sure rushed this to market.
  • Buster finally realises that Oscar is his real father, not George. And why? Not because of any of the implications, but because Oscar wanted to share his Pop Secret with him.
  • The Franklin album ("Franklin Comes Alive") GOB invests in, particularly "It Ain't Easy Being White", meant to break down the racial barriers.
    Gob: It ain't easy bein' white!
    Franklin: It ain't easy bein' brown!
    Gob: All this pressure to be bright!
    Franklin: I got children all over town!
  • Gob kissing his father in the staircar.
    Gob: And guess what else. Dad kissed me!
    Michael: How? He looked pretty unconscious in that picture.
    Gob: ... I didn't say he was totally into it!
  • George Sr. meets with Oscar:
    George Sr.: I want you to turn me in so you can get the reward, take care of the family.
    Oscar: Why would you do that for me?
    George Sr.: Because we're brothers.
    (George Sr. and Oscar smile at each other)
    (cut to George Sr. with a shaver in his hand, looming over an unconscious Oscar inside the courthouse bathroom)
    Narrator: Later, while George was shaving his unconscious brotherís head, he wondered whether there really was a reward, and if there was a way he could get it. But there was no time, and getting even with his brother was reward enough.

    Season Three 
The Cabin Show
  • Michael visiting George Sr. (actually Oscar) in prison:
    Oscar: You came! Someone came!
    Michael: (presses button to mute Oscar's mike; in spite of this Oscar keeps shouting) Only to tell you that the company is back on track and it's because you're behind bars. And now I get to do with my son what you never did with me. I'm taking him to the cabin. (releases button)
    Oscar: —scar, and every night they—
    Michael: (presses button to mute Oscar again) I'm scarred, too, but my son is not going to be. (releases button)
    Oscar: —and they cover it with soap, and you're supposed to thank them, (Michael presses the button again) like theyíre doing you a favor!
    Michael: So that's it. That's all I came to say. Is there anything you'd like for me to pass on to the family? (releases button)
    Oscar: I'm your uncle! I'm your dad's twin brother. I'm Oscar! (on the verge of crying) He switched on me! No one believes me! [...] I even started a website: "ImOscar.com". I'm innocent, Michael. I'm Oscar! ...Dot com!
    Michael: (thinking it over) No, no, don't buy it. I'm taking my son to the cabin, and there's nothing you can say to make me believe that you are not my father!
    Oscar: (presses his hands against the glass and looks Michael straight in the eyes) I understand. Your child comes first.
    Michael: ...Oh, my god. You're Oscar!
    Oscar: ...Dot com.
  • Michael returns to the office to find that the employees are partying:
    Lindsay: We did it, Mikey! We're super rich again! And, I'm going to buy a car. The Volvo. (hands Michael a piece of paper, supposedly depicting the car)
    Michael: Lindsay, you're not going to start spending money! (looks at paper) And this is not a Vol-vo.
    Lindsay: Oh, that's from sitting on the copier! (quickly hands Michael the right piece of paper)
  • Turns out Tobias is not the only in the family who is prone to Accidental Innuendos:
    Michael: (to George Michael) Hey, why don't you pop a tent in front with your cousin Maeby?
    George Michael: What?! NO!
    Maeby: I'm not really the outdoorsy type...
    Michael: Well, then this is a good chance for you to rub off on her.
  • Michael is finally fed up with Barry:
    Michael: Barry, you're fired.
    Barry: What?!
    Michael: Yeah.
    Barry: Just like that? No warning? You're my only client! What am I supposed to do now!? Turn tricks on the street? ...How much you think I can get for that, by the way?
    Michael: All right, this is crazy. I've got to let Oscar out of prison. (turns to leave)
    Barry: (grabs Michael by the collar) What about making out? $50, or is that just L.A.? Am I just...?
  • Michael puts the two and two together that Gob haven't able to, and informs him that Steve Holt is his son:
    Michael: Okay, um, your dad's not trying to find you — your son is. That kid's your son. You're the dad.
    Gob: (long pause as the realization slowly dawns on him) I've made a huge, tiny mistake. (prepares to make a run for it)
    Michael: No! G-G-Gob, you can't just leave your son in the middle of a parking lot in Reno— (notices George Michael in the Staircar)
    Narrator: And that's when Michael saw his own son in a parking lot in Reno.
    Michael: He drove all the way up here to be with me. Wow. Well, I guess I'm, uh, I'm no better than— (looks over his shoulder and sees Gob running away in blind panic) No, I'm better.
  • Narrator: Michael had just surprised his sleeping son by taking him camping.
    Michael: I put this off too long, and it's too important. Your Uncle Oscar can stay in prison one more day, right?
    Narrator: Not according to that day's blog on ImOscar.com.
    Blog Post on ImOscar.com I CAN'T STAY IN PRISON ONE MORE DAY!

For British Eyes Only
  • George Sr. pleads with Michael not to turn him in:
    George Sr.: Promise me you won't send me back to prison, so I can be with my dear love Lucille in the twilight of her face.
    Narrator: Michael didn't send his father back to prison... (cut to George Sr. getting fitted with an ankle monitor inside the family apartment at Balboa Towers) ...but instead arranged for him to be placed under house arrest...
    Lucille: (downright ecstatic) George, we're are never going to be out of each other's sight! (embraces George Sr. and kisses him right on the lips)
    Narrator: ...which made this woman his warden.
    George Sr.: (horrified) Oh, dear God! (to Michael) Send me back to prison. You gotta send me back to prison!
    Michael: (smugly) MORE TOUCHING!
  • Michael: I knew you wouldn't have the guts to go through with the divorce.
    Lindsay: You're one to talk. You haven't had a serious relationship since your wife. And you guys weren't even speaking toward the end.
    Michael: ...Lot of that was the coma.
    Lindsay: Yeah, I've heard your side of it.
  • George Sr. claims that the whole Iraq situation was a result him being tricked into a patsy by a mysterious group of British builders:
    Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.
    George Sr.: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi!
    Michael: Come on.
    George Sr.: I told him how much I liked his work.
    • They then discuss the picture of George Sr. shaking hands with Saddam Hussein:
      George Sr.: A picture like that, Michael, can end your career!
      Michael: Not in every case.
      (cut to a picture of then-Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, shaking hands with Saddam Hussein in December 1983)
  • Michael tries to access the files on the British group, but is told that only British citizens have access to them:
    Michael: Don't I look kind of British?
    Clerk: Perhaps if you're willing to lose 20 pounds...
    Narrator: The clerk was asking for a bribe, but this was lost on Michael.
    Michael: Well, you guys do go for the jugular.
  • Gob is confused by the emotions he feels when being told Steve Holt is his son:
    Gob: (almost tearing up) My God, what is this feeling?
    Michael: Well, you know the-the feeling that youíre... that youíre feeling is-is what many of us call "a feeling."
    Gob: But it's not like "envy", or even "hungry".
    Michael: Could it be love?
    Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael! No, it's the opposite. It's... it's like my heart is getting hard.

Forget-Me-Now
  • Bob Loblaw's TV commercial is a fast-fire collection of funny moments all on its own:
    • During the commercial Bob Loblaw is depicted sitting with a heavy law book, which he closes dramatically every time he finishes a sentence. And he manages to do this on top of his thumb every time, making him visibly flinch.
    • The commercial says that Bob Loblaw is specialized in defending people from the following charges:
      BANK FRAUD, EMBEZZLEMENT, CONSPIRACY, MONEY LAUNDERING, IDENTITY THEFT* (*CASH ONLY), INSIDER TRADING
    • And of course:
      Bob Loblaw: Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else... noticed?
  • The family is introduced to Larry Middleman, a "professional surrogate" working as a stand-in for George Sr., who gives him instructions on what to say via headset:
    Larry: Yeah, but you're not the one stuck under house arrest like a sitting duck.
    Michael: Oh, yeah, that's my father. That's why we had the meeting here — so that he couldn't interfere.
    Larry: Interfere? I ought to pull down your pants and spank your ass raw.
    Michael: ...I'm sorry. Have we met?
    Bob Loblaw: Oh, yes, this Larry Middleman. Heís your father's surrogate.
    Michael: (shakes hands with Larry) Surrogate?
    Larry: (smiles politely as he shakes hands with Michael) That's right, you dumb *bleep*.
    • Of course, Larry is far from perfect, often displaying Dull Surprise and talking his instructions too literally:
      George Sr.: So, you're saying "shred the evidence"?
      Bob Loblaw: No, that's illegal. The prosecution is entitled to that evidence. Without it, they don't have a case.
      George Sr.: So, you're saying "shred the evidence"?
      Bob Loblaw: That's a felony. And I certainly couldnít endorse anything like that.
      George, Sr.: Got ya. Wink.
      Larry: Wink. Did you say "wink" or did you wink?
  • Lindsay tries to hit on Bob Loblaw:
    Lindsay: Just so you know... I'm looking to get divorced. Are you interested?
    Bob Loblaw: Yes.
    (Lindsay smiles and leaves; Bob Loblaw waits until she is out of earshot and then...)
    Bob Loblaw: (to his stenographer) Let's call that a half hour.
  • Tobias explains his job title:
    Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over! An analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist!
    Lindsay: Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards.
    (cut to said business card)
    Tobias: Yes. No, it did not look good on paper.
    • Tobias decides to offer Buster his services as an analrapist:
      Tobias: Here, take my business card. (hands Buster his card)
      Buster: (horrified) Gah!
      Tobias: No, no, it's pronounced Uh-Nale-Ruh-Pist!
      Buster: It's not really the pronunciation that concerned me.
  • Michael is not impressed with Gob's attempts to impress George Sr. through Larry:
    Michael: Look, Gob, instead of trying to impress your fake father, maybe you should spend some time with your real son.
    Gob: (trying to laugh it off) Steve Holt's not my son.
    George Michael: Steve Holt?! What, the moron jock?
    Gob: (furious) That's my son, you pothead!
  • Tobias discusses Buster's Mommy Issues:
    Tobias: You see, Buster, it wasn't the seal that you couldnít stand up to. It was... Lucille.
    Buster: (gasps)
    Tobias: (gasps) Oh, I'm getting chills! If this was a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break!
    (short ukulele jingle plays but nothing happens)
    Narrator: But it wasn't.
  • In panic over having knocked Rita unconscious and then drugged her, the family hastily rearranges the "Welcome Rita" party to be a party for Michael instead:
    Gob: Take a look at banner, Michael!
    Banner: Family Love Michael
    • The woozy Rita then returns:
      Narrator: Everyone froze. Michael feared he'd been caught in a lie about his family. His family feared they'd been caught by a woman they clubbed, drugged and left on a bench. It was awkward.
  • The On the Next segment:
    Narrator: Lindsay tries to work off her debt with Bob Loblaw...
    Lindsay: (flirtatiously) I'm willing to debase myself.
    Bob Loblaw: Get a maid's uniform and come by my house around 7:00.
    Lindsay: There is no way to misinterpret that...
    Narrator: Except the one.
    (cut to a frustrated Lindsay in a skimpy French Maid Outfit taking out Bob Loblaw's trash early in the morning)
  • Steve Holt, much to his horror, thinks he has slept with Maeby, whom he by now knows is his cousin (actually Maeby, who was Locked Out of the Loop and didn't know Steve was her cousin, just drugged him with a roofie and told that was what happened), and seeks guidance from a parental figure:
    Steve Holt: (to Gob) I've made a huge mistake...
    Gob: I know the feeling... I had you. (embraces Steve in a tight hug) I'm your father, Steve Holt! I can't hide from it anymore.
    Steve Holt: (tearfully) I won't forget this... dad. (runs off)
    Gob: (sobs as he takes a "Forget-Me-Now" from his pill box) I will. (puts the pill in his mouth) I will! (downs the pill with a glass of booze)

The Ocean Walker
  • The ending of the episode. After Michael and Rita part ways, Rita walks across the surface of the pool. Michael becomes suspicious, and he questions GOB about this:
    Michael: Hang on a sec, that's part of your trick, right?
    GOB: No. That's not my trick, Michael.
    Narrator: On the next Arrested Development...
    GOB: It's my illusion!
    (GOB makes dramatic hand gesture that accidentally results in lit lighter-fluid hitting Tobias' hair)
    Narrator: ...Michael relives a wedding nightmare.
    Buster: Put him out, put him out!
    Tobias: My hair, my beautiful hair!
    Michael: Push him in the pool!
    Tobias: Why am I not going under water? Dear God, why am I not going under water?!

Fakin' It
  • Narrator: Hey, let's see what some of the other folks are up to. [cut to George Michael doing homework] Nothing there. [cut to George Sr. clipping his toenails] Or there. [cut to a nurse getting into bed with a "comatose" Buster] Oh my! ...Let's get back to Michael.
  • At one point in the episode, GOB gives Franklin a voice box, with a single line: "My name is Judge.", and tries to set up a conversation with it.
    Gob: They call me up to the stand, say something like, ďWhoís this little friend?Ē And heíll say...
    Franklin: My name is Judge.
    Gob: Whose name is Judge?!
    Franklin: My name is—
    Gob: That's a silly name.
    Franklin: —Judge. My name—
    Gob: Yes, I am judging your name! It am silly!
    Franklin: —is—
    Gob: Oh, now you're correcting my grammar?
    • And then Michael points that Gob is still moving his lips during Franklin's lines.

Development Arrested
  • Michael: So, it's embezzlement, bribery and conspiracy.
    Lucille: And a whole lot of love!
    Michael: Oh, right: and perjury.

Unsorted
  • In one episode, previously unrelated subplots regarding a jetpack, a mole, a model city and Japanese investors inevitably build towards a completely unintentional kaiju battle being staged. Probably one of the funniest punchlines in the history of the show.
  • Michael suggests that Lucille borrow the family cabin.
    Michael: Maybe you can take a date up there.
    Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
    [long pause]
    Michael: ...ah yes, the cabin!
  • One of Lucille's housekeepers calls Tobias 'Mr. Gay'.

    Season Four 
  • Tony Wonder's magic act. Just, the way it blatantly panders to his homosexual audience.
    Tony: I'm here! I'm queer! Now I'm over here!
  • Tobias gets the term "Anus Tart" thrown at him several times on account of his new license plates (which were meant to read "a new start"). When Lucille calls him "Anus Tart" though, the narrator adds, "And she hadn't even seen the license plates."
  • The giant "HER?" sign above Ann's head at her wedding.
  • In what is possibly the most controversial joke in the series so far, close to 100 registered sex offenders are gathered in and around a communal pool. When a six-year-old boy dives in, they all flee for their lives. (The camera angles and editing are what sell the joke.)
  • The "SHOW STEALER PRO TRIAL VERSION" watermark on clips from the previous three seasons.
    • A Freeze-Frame Bonus on the last such flashback of the season reveals a demand to fully purchase Show Stealer Pro before cutting out.
  • The promotional material for season 4 includes an audition reel by Tobias Funke called "Insert Me Anywhere". The YouTube excerpt is uproariously pitiful.
  • The out-of-practice Narrator having to clear his throat on his first line of the season.
  • When explaining that Ron Howard always gives his children a middle name based off of where they were conceived, we go from Bryce Dallas to Paige Carlyle, ending with Rebel Alley.
  • Tobias when told that the misleading way he talks led the entire family into thinking he was gay
    Tobias: When in the last year have I said anything remotely mis—
    11 seconds earlier: [singsongy voice] Its just a fallacy! [spins]
    Tobias: —leading?
  • Tobias accidentally getting himself arrested on a To Catch a Predator type show looking for his daughter Maeby.
    Tobias: Is there a little girl here all by herself?
    Narrator: And perhaps it was this that would finally get him to admit that he sometimes did speak in a misleading way.
    Tobias: Daddy needs to get his rocks off!
    [...]
    Tobias: I'm here to see my little girl. I need to show her daddy's Thing!
  • Listen closely to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 clip of the Fantastic Four movie. Joel and Trace have still got it.
    Maybe she came into this Lightbulbs Unlimited.
    Quick, grab that urine sample and let's get out of here.
    This is the gayest Starbucks ever!
    Did his fishing line break too?
  • "The Sound of Silence" becoming G.O.B.'s Leitmotif throughout the season was funny enough on its own, but a specific example occurs when G.O.B. tells the mongols that they don't have money to pay them with to build the wall, and the song is played over the depressed looking leader of the group .
  • George Sr. trying to come to terms with his sudden busts of extreme emotions.
    George Sr.: I have changed, Michael! I cry at the drop of a hat and I hate the way I look. I actually had one cute hat, and it... [starts sobbing] blew off at this CVS parking lot... and this whole car full of black kids ran over itófor no reason! And they saw it! THEY SAW IT!
  • Gob's rant on pill abuse:
    Gob: It's really just the age we live in, isn't it? Take a pill and forget your problems. Take a pill to go to sleep. Take a pill to forget your problems. Need an erection? Take a pill. Need to forget your problems? Take a pill! Take a pill and your problems are forgotten! Take a pill... What an age we live in! It's great, isn't it?!
  • The pose Michael adopts for his Altitude photoshoot that he thinks makes him look humble but actually makes him look desperate.

    Unsorted 
  • Hot ham water!
    • "So watery... and yet, there's a smack of ham to it."
  • Maeby and her school's grading system.
    Lindsay: I know you got a crocodile in Spelling!
  • "Alias is a show about a spy!" Now even better thanks to Tony Hale's role on another show about a spy.
  • In addition to Lucille Bluth and Lucille Austero, there's also the "loose seal" that bit off Buster's hand, and the "loose seal" that fell off in the school play Buster was a part of.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/ArrestedDevelopment