Michael finds a bag in the refrigerator labeled "DEAD DOVE. DO NOT EAT." He opens it.
Michael: I don't know what I expected.
Michael takes Maebe to take-your-daughter-to-work-day and is visited by police inquiring about the disappearance of his his father's secretary, Kitty:
Maebe: So, you killed Kitty, huh? Michael: No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer's questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide. [whoops and hollers heard from the conference room] Michael: And apparently, a fun one. Why don't we go see what's going on in the back, shall we? Maebe': Were those the last words Kitty ever heard?
Gob: Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear. Michael Bluth: G.O.B., weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act? Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.
Any of the chicken impressions.
Michael: Has no one in this family ever seen a chicken?
Hot ham water!
"So watery...and yet, there's a smack of ham to it."
"How much clearer can I say that THERE IS ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND?!"
George Senior dressing up in a turban and delivering a threatening video to his employees. We only see one part of it, which has him imitating Osama bin Laden with the phrase, "This is my demand", complete with finger pointing.
This one happened within the first few minutes of the series:
Michael: So, this is the magic trick? Gob:Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. [Michael gestures to nearby children] ...Or candy!
Even better in the Director's Cut on the DVD: "Or cocaine!"
A Call Back to this in season four plays with it—Gob gets cut off before he can get past the "c" in the last word.
Tobias' audition to announce a fire sale.
Tobias: Oh my God, we're having a fire!... sale. OH THE BURNING!
Undoubtedly this exchange, which was the culmination of an episode's worth of rock/paper/scissors jokes:
Narrator: G.O.B. charged at Michael with the scissors, but Michael... Michael: Put it down. Narrator: ...as he always did, picked rock... G.O.B.: Make it collapse. Make me look foolish. Michael: G.O.B., donít do this. G.O.B., the scissors! Narrator: ...which beat scissors. Unfortunately, the whole incident was covered by the paper.
When Rita apparently walks on water.
Michael: Hang on, that's your trick, isn't it? Gob: No Michael. That's not my trick. On the next Arrested Development... Gob: It's my illusion!
This exchange in the season 1 finale:
Michael: What kind of job? Lindsay: Beads! Gob: Bees?! Lindsay: Be-eeds. Gob: Beads! Michael: Gob's not on board.
Tobias coaching Michael on expressing himself;
Tobias: Michael, sometimes our emotions can come out in the most unexpected way. [checks fridge] WHERE THE *** ARE MY HARDBOILED EGGS? [Tobias walks away sadly with Charlie Brown music playing]
George Sr. informing Michael that they killed J. Walter Weatherman "when you left the door open with the air conditioner on."
Tobias putting his role of "Analyst" and "Therapist" together to create Analrapist.
Tobias: It's pronounced Uh-Nale-Ruh-Pist! Buster: It's not really the pronunciation that concerned me.
In the third episode the moment that Tony Hale (Buster) said was his favorite on the show.
Buster:[impersonating Lucille] I'm an uptight [bleep] BUSTER! [longer bleep that continues on and on for an extremely long time while Michael GOB and Lindsay watch on with increasingly horrified expressions] YOU OLD HORNY SLUT! [beat] Michael: Well no one's gonna top that.
Mrs Featherbottom's (i.e. Tobias') attempt to give Maeby a "magical entrance" Mary Poppins-style by jumping off a landing into the living room holding an umbrella. It doesn't end well.
Plus, Maggie comes home but can't reveal that she knows he's there without giving away that she's not blind, so both of them are forced to spend quite some time awkwardly moving around each other, neither acknowledging the other's presence.
Aw, is this our little bundle of TWO GAY COPS' BABY??
Gob's single-episode obsession with how expensive his business suits are, and the resulting hysterical babbling he's reduced to when Michael makes a silly remark about his pants. In fact, any interaction between Michael and Gob when the latter becomes highly emotional is pretty much gold.
And speaking of Gob's Pants:
Buster: You can wear stripper clothes when you're not stripping? Gob: [tears off velcro pants] You tell me.
In one episode, previously unrelated subplots regarding a jetpack, a mole, a model city and Japanese investors inevitably build towards a completely unintentional kaiju battle being staged. Probably one of the funniest punchlines in the history of the show.
In Top Banana
Michael: You burned down the storage unit? T-Bone: Oh, most definitely!
Michael:[to GOB] I want you to get rid of The Seaward. Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready!
Note that GOB's other yacht in the final episode is actually called ''The C-Word,'' so written.
Similarly, Michael suggests that Lucille borrow the family cabin.
Michael: Maybe you can take a date up there. Lucille: How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap? [loong pause] Michael: ...ah yes, the cabin!
Gob's new plan for his ventriloquist act: to have a recording of the phrase "My name is Judge" used for all of Franklin's lines.
Franklin: My name is Judge. Gob: Whose name is Judge? Franklin: My name is— Gob: That's a silly name. Franklin: Judge. My name— Gob: Yes, I do judge your name. It am silly. Franklin: is— Gob: Oh, now you're correcting my grammar?
The content is awful, but the delivery is perfect.
Earl Milford: Please don't send me back. They abuse us, it's not pleasant! GOB: Earl, I have to take you back. It's the only way to clear my name. Earl Milford: You'll have a new name! Hero!
It Ain't Easy Being White.
IT AINT EASY BEIN' BROWN!
In Fakin' It
Narrator: Hey, let's see what some of the other folks are up to. [cut to George Michael doing homework] Nothing there. [cut to George Sr. clipping his toenails] Or there. [cut to a nurse getting into bed with a "comatose" Buster] Oh my! ...Let's get back to Michael.
In Season 4, Tony Wonder's magic act. Just, the way it blatantly panders to his homosexual audience.
Tony: I'm here! I'm queer! Now I'm over here!
In Season 4, Tobias gets the term "Anus Tart" thrown at him several times on account of his new license plates (which were meant to read "a new start"). When Lucille calls him "Anus Tart" though, the narrator adds, "And she hadn't even seen the license plates."
The giant "HER?" sign above Ann's head at her wedding in Season 4.
In what is possibly the most controversial joke in the series so far, close to 100 registered sex offenders are gathered in and around a communal pool. When a six-year-old boy dives in, they all flee for their lives. (The camera angles and editing are what sell the joke.)
The "SHOW STEALER PRO TRIAL VERSION" watermark on clips from the previous three seasons in season 4.
Tobias accidentally getting himself arrested on a To Catch a Predator type show looking for his daughter Maeby.
Tobias: Is there a little girl here all by herself? Narrator: And perhaps it was this that would finally get him to admit that he sometimes did speak in a misleading way. Tobias: Daddy needs to get his rocks off! [...] Tobias: I'm here to see my little girl. I need to show her daddy's Thing!
Maybe she came into this Lightbulbs Unlimited. Quick, grab that urine sample and let's get out of here. This is the gayest Starbucks ever! Did his fishing line break too?
In season 1, the head of the Magician's Alliance calls Michael over to his limo:
Rollo: If you care about your brother, get in the car. Michael: ...which brother? Rollo: ...Gob. [Michael jumps back on his bike and cycles off]
Gob's wife (whose name he doesn't know) falls for Tobias and struggles to make Gob understand the pretty unambiguous statement "I'm in love with your brother-in-law":
Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army? Wife: No! Your sister's husband. Gob: Michael? Michael! Wife: That's your sister's brother. Gob: I'm my sister's brother. You love me. Me! Wife: I'm in love with Tobias! Gob: My brother-in-law? Wife: But I know it'll never work out so I'm enlisting in the army. Gob: To be with your brother?
When George Michael chastises his father about stealing a chair from work, Micheal tries to use "I'm the one that taught you stealing is bad" as an argument.
"I threatened her at a restaurant, but, you know. It's a restaurant."
From "The Righteous Brothers":
Gob: Dad kissed me! Michael: [horrified]...he was unconscious. Gob: I didn't say he was totally into it! Michael: [incoherently horrified]