Funny: Archie Comics

  • Jughead's mother after Jughead came back from the grocery store: "Jughead, I said four BUNS!"note 
  • Archie Andrews is pretty tame considering that it's about one of the horniest (yet virgin) teenage boys in America, and his escapades as he dates nearly every teenage girl in town (two of them steadily, and sometimes both at once). Very rarely it will get a bit risqué, such as in one story when Archie, Veronica, and Betty are at the beach. Betty and Veronica go swimming while Archie goes fishing and ignores them. Veronica, upset at being ignored, has Betty bring her her spare swimsuit, which she [Veronica] hooks onto Archie's fishing line and claims that he ripped it off her body. Archie runs and steals a beach towel for her to cover up with and throws it to her. Veronica emerges from the water wrapped in the towel, when the towel's owner shows up and demands it back. Of course, at this point Archie thinks she's stark naked underneath, so when she casually takes it off to return it, Archie faints from shock. That's not the funny part. The funny part is the reaction of two 12-year-old boys who witnessed this:
    Boy #1: What made him faint?
    Boy #2: The sight of her in a swimsuit.
    Boy #1: Eh, I've seen better.
    • Something similar happened when Betty decided to soak in some Vitamin D in her backyard. Her mother advises her to use an older, moth-riddled swimsuit (grass stains are hard to remove) as a safety precaution. Archie thinks that she's going buff and tries to warn her that the backyard isn't exactly a good place for privacy. Betty, not wanting Archie to see her in the ruined swimsuit, grabs a towel and covers her front side as soon as she heard him. And then Jughead shows up behind Betty, and Archie thinks Jughead saw the goods. Not knowing why Archie is panicking, Betty decided to throw in the towel...literally. Archie faints before he could find out the truth.
  • Jughead in "At a Loss for Words":
    Jughead: And don't ever let me catch you doing that again, Hot Dog!
    Archie: What's the matter, Jug?
    Jughead: Hot Dog makes me so mad!
    Archie: Why?
    Jughead: He tried to chew my pocket dictionary!
    Archie: What did you do to him?
    Jughead: I took the words right out of his mouth!
  • The Riverdale High school board is having the walls repainted without Mr. Weatherbee's knowledge. Since it's going to be painted over anyway, Svenson allows the students to draw on the walls. Mr. Weatherbee catches them, leading to this exchange:
    Mr. Weatherbee: Are you children deliberately defacing school property?!
    Archie: No sir, we're scribbling on the walls.
    *cue Angrish*
  • In an older story, Riverdale High is holding a 'Girls-ask-boys' type dance, and Archie and Reggie are happy that it'll be the girls' to sweat over getting a date ready. But Jughead points out that it's "First come first served", leading to the boys running from some Abhorrent Admirers. The next day, the school staff see the three come out from some unusual places; Mr. Weatherbee spots Archie coming down from a tree, Ms. Grundy sees Jughead coming out from a sewer drain, and Prof. Flutesnoot catches Reggie entering his class through the window. Weatherbee and Grundy weren't impressed with the last one until Flutesnoot tells them, "It's a good trick if you can do it...I'm on the fifth floor!"
  • After Valerie takes a stroll up Memory Lane, and witnesses some of the ups and downs that could ensue if she marries Archie, she peeks at some alternate "paths" for who could become Archie's wife. Some of them have their fair share of drama-Archie as Cheryl Blossom's Henpecked Husband, Sabrina becoming Brought Down to Normal as punishment for marrying a mortal, Josie marrying Archie to create a Love Triangle-but Hilarity Ensues when Valerie encounters some Crack Pairings (including one that pairs Archie with Ethel).
    I gotta get out of here! Too much information! Way too much information! Stop the madness!
  • In one story, Betty became obsessed with internet chatrooms to the point where she was using chatspeak in real life, much to the confusion of all her friends. Archie eventually finds the perfect way to get a proper response out of her.
    Archie: Hey, Betty, will you go steady with me?
    Betty: (jumps into Archies arms) YEEEEEEEES!
  • In a short comic, Dilton is tutoring Moose on learning new and complex words which doesn't go well as Moose misunderstands what Dilton is trying to explain to him. When Mrs. Grundy steps in and asks if there's a problem, Dilton tries to defuse the situation by telling her "that they're just having trouble with an Idiom" which, unintentionally and indirectly, offends Moose.
    Moose: "Duhhh hey! Who are you calling an Idiom!?"
  • One older cover has Archie, Jughead, and several girls in Archie's car. Cue the following exchange between the mechanic examining it and Jughead.
    Mechanic: What kind of oil do you use?
    Jughead: Well, first he tells them how beautiful they are...
  • One comic has Mr. Weatherby repeatedly trying to talk to Archie's parents about something. Archie worries that he's in some sort of trouble, so when Mr. Weatherby drops by to visit, he comes running out in a dress and wig, pretending to be the new owner of the Andrews home and that there's a very sick child inside.
    Archie: It's no wonder the Andrews family moved away so quickly. I must remember to buy a quarantine sign!
    • This, of course, doesn't work, so when Mr. Weatherby goes inside and meets with Mr. Andrews, Archie comes running in, screaming how there's a gas leak that will blow them sky-high. Everyone panics and runs outside...until Mr. Andrews remembers that they don't use gas-powered appliances.
    • In a last-ditch effort to save himself, Archie interrupts Mr. Weatherby's parent-teacher conference at the school by bringing in Reggie to plead his case. Reggie does this by rattling off all of Archie's various pranks (which Mr. Weatherby copies down) and then starts framing Archie for some of his own pranks, figuring that he might as well tie up some loose ends as long as Archie's in trouble. And the kicker? The reason Mr. Weatherby wanted to talk to the Andrews was because he wanted to tell them about a school event.