In episode 1, we get this from Madison: "I get it bitch, you're clairvoyant."
"I'm just mad for tartan!"
Also at the end of the episode, once Delphine LaLaurie had been dug up, the first thing Fiona does is ask if she needs a drink (and one would assume they go off to a local bar to get hammered).
The sheer look of surprise on LaLaurie's face when Nan unties her for making "Too much noise."
This doesn't do the scene justice. Nan, trying to read, is getting increasingly frustrated because of the mental noise she is hearing, before finally storming up to the room she is hidden, chews her out for thinking too loudly, and demands that she leaves. All to Mme. LaLaurie's increasingly baffled expression.
After their resurrection gone wrong in "Boy Parts":
Zoe: Are you sure you said the spell correctly?
Madison: Bitch, I've been acting since I was five. I know my lines
And during the spell when Zoe asks, "Did we just marry the devil? 'Cause I don't know if I'm down with that."
Delphine blubbering like a ninny when she sees Barack Obama on television, and refusing to believe Fiona when she says that blacks have been successful on all levels of politics and business in the modern day.
"The Magic box lies."
Madison's mix of racist joke and fat joke:
"Miss Aryan sisterhood came between Queenie and her food."
Madison's advances towards their handsome new neighbor getting completely ignored. When his ultra-conservative Christian mother comes in and pisses her off, she eventually winds up setting their house on fire.
Nan: I didn't know you could do that.
Madison: Neither did I until now.
Marie looking important with her iPad while sitting on her throne discussing a fertility spell with Cordelia, when it turns out she was playing Solitaire the whole time.
Cordelia constantly spilling the wrong information to the visiting Council members.
Queenie giving her condolences about Madison's disappearance:
"Madison Montgomery is a stone cold bitch who loves hard drinking, big dicks and trouble, if she's dead it's probably because she got wasted and offered the grim reaper a hand job or something." *sips her smoothie*
Spalding accidentally tearing the arm off Madison's corpse.
Fiona: Is everyone around here coming back to life?
When Nan asks a newly-resurrected Myrtle how her hair grew back so fast after being burned at the stake, to which Myrtle replies that she's been buying weave in bulk for years.
Myrtle remarking that she'd been told the sensation of becoming the new Supreme "starts as a tingling in the cooch." Also, the first thing she does after compassionately hearing Fiona's dying wish is to steal her jewelry on the way out.
Queenie subjecting Delphine's still talking detached head to a hilarious punishment. Namely, watching all eight hours of Roots.
Cordelia, when she feels around for something on the kitchen counter and ends up dropping the eggs she was carrying:
Cordelia: Can you people not move things around, some of us are blind.
Misty fainting like a stone at the sight of Stevie Nicks.
Nan telling Madison with mind control to "stick it [a cigarette] in your vagina."
Cordelia having a complete and utter shit-fit. Doubly funny because of Myrtle. Who rolls her eyes and plays the theremin the whole time.
Fiona trying to sell Nan's soul to Papa Legba:
"She's innocent! ... mostly. She killed the neighbor, but the bitch had it coming!"
Nan's reaction to her own death? Asking if she'll have to wear the same outfit for all of eternity.
Delphine serving the coven Madison's crap for dinner. And they're none the wiser.
Papa Legba using his demon voice to tell a customer in Queenie's restaurant to go to the back of the line, it was meant to be intimidating and serious but it just ended up being funny.
From the same episode, Papa Legba asking for more marshmallows in his hot chocolate!
Fiona: You know why I got a female attack dog?
Hank: Because bitches stick together?
Delphine pretending to be a tour guide at her own mansion, particularly this exchange:
Tourist: "It says here she was a serial killer."
Delphine: "That's a misprint."
Spalding making a fabulous little hair flip with a doll.