Funny / Acquisitions Incorporated

  • The entire "Rudy the Undead Hound" discussion from the second podcast.
  • Any time the players engage in the Vitriolic Best Buds act, but perhaps the best example comes up early in season 4, when recapping the previous season's finale.
    Mike: I feel like it was a clean job.
    Scott: Yea, we only lost the red shirt.
  • The second PAX game was outrageous.
    Wil: You guys, I saw a lot of necromancers when I was in Hell.
    Scott: When you were in 'Nam?
    Jerry: Not Nam, Hell!
    Wil: Nam was hell. "Necromancers are dicks, you guys. Necromancers are dicks." Aeofel just stares off, the wings beating beneath him, his silvery hair blowing out behind him, a thousand-square stare in his eyes. He feels nostalgia as a standard action. A single tear falls from his perfectly black, orbular eye, and turns into a diamond as the wind catches it and carries it away.
  • From the 2012 PAX session: an audience member warns the group to "watch out for acid pits," which prompts numerous cries of "Too Soon" from the group, as well as a middle finger from Wil. However, this is immediately before the group realizes they've triggered the floor to give a massive acid pit.
  • The Darkmagic family song:
    We are the Darkmagics
    Come see our bitchin' house!
    Our favourite young son
    His name is Jim.
    And he loves to
  • Omin isn't really known for his physical prowess, but...
    Chris: Did you just beat Binwin Bronzebottom in a test of strength?
    Jerry: And intellect.
    Chris: Who the fuck are you and what did you do with Jerry?
    • And he does it again next turn!
  • In the 2013 PAX game, when Mike and Scott reveal that they have no idea what The Tarrasque is.
    Chris: What are you doing at this table, man?!
  • Last Words: ''Is THIS your card...?''
  • In the 2014 PAX game, Morgan Webb asking during a male NPC's description of a female NPC "Is she prettier than me?" in a slightly neurotic way. She had Mike, Jerry, and Scott all keeled over laughing. Probably something you never thought you'd hear during a D&D game.
  • All of Scott's horrible puns.
    "That last relationship was really dragon on."
    "You stalagmite make it".
    "You just got outDran!
    "Owl be back".
    "Guys, right now we're in the high of the Beholder".
  • During Season 3 Mike was having a bit too much fun with Coordinated Explosion, which lead to the following conversation during the climax were the group was in a bit of a tight spot.
    Mike:[About to cast Scorching Burst] How hurt are you?
    Jerry: Hurt. Do you want to include me just for 1+!
    Mike:Well, I'm just throwing it out there!
    Mike: I might also get a 2+ if I hit both of you...
    Jerry: No!
    Mike: Fine, fine I won't.
  • Near the end of Season 9's game at PAX East 2015, this glorious exchange takes place:
    Mike: Is this whole room a truth zone?
    Jerry: Yeah.
    Mike: I fucked your sister.
    • Cue Patrick Rothfuss promptly (and completely) losing it for a solid thirty seconds.
  • From the game at PAX Prime 2015
    • Patrick Rothfuss asking Chris if Drizzt is using his elemental scimitars, while they are stuck through another player's character. Everyone is either dumbfounded or reminding him that he's supposed to be on their side.
  • After Viari performs a Gunship Rescue and comes to the aid of the party, who is being attacked by a dragon, he promptly jumps off the very well-armed ship to attack said dragon.
    Patrick: Is it surprised?
    Chris: Yes.
  • The new dynamic between Omin as the horrible boss and Viari as the new intern who's not nearly as gullible as Jim and Binwin.
    Viari: I'm feeling a little bit crowded in my intern status.
    Omin: I don't think of you as an intern. I think of you as a sub-employee. You know what I mean? Think of the entire range of it, the gradient. Think about everything you've accomplished for us.
    Viari: I have.
    Omin: "Intern" is not... it doesn't capture it anymore. "Sub-employee", it's an aspirational title and it gives you something to reach for.
    Viari: Could I be the Senior sub-employee?
    Omin: Yes! If another sub-employee were to come along I would allow you to... belittle them.
    Viari: Do I get a stock-option?
    Omin: One stock. You get one stock. A stock.
    Viari: A discount on merch?
    Omin: No. No, employees actually pay more for merch. I'm sorry, that's a policy that goes before my rein.
    Jim: We're not really making anything off of those.
    Viari: Alright, I'm good with that.
    Omin: Excellent. We'll shake on it tomorrow.
    Viari: Right.
  • The party's motivation is a bit conflicted in season 3.
    Marcinda: It's widely known that the Ambershards traffic with demons.
    Jim: It's not getting better!
    Marcinda: But-
    Jim: Stop talking!
    Aeofel: This is a test! We are either Acquisitions Incorporated and we acquire anything that needs acquiring-
    Jim: What are we acquiring?!
    Binwin: We're acquiring my family's honor back back!
    Omin: We acquire physical objects!
  • After the unfortunate incident in season 3 where Aeofel dies in a pit of acid, the party is deeply concerned.
    Mike: I turn around and use my mage hand-
    Jerry: To reach in and grip the skeleton?
    Mike: -to reach in and grab any valuables he might have had on him. He had like a golden amulet that I always saw him with.
    Jerry: "And it was so beautiful, I saw it dancing in the wind".
    Scott: [Muffled] I'm burying my head in my hands.
  • At the end of season 3 the only bright spot is that the party at least managed to acquire a priceless treasure.
    Jerry: So did we win?
    Mike: No! I can't believe someone died!
    Jerry: Okay, well no. Did I win? Yes.
  • Drizzt and Viari tumbles through the air
    Chris: You land on top of Drizzt...
    Pat: Just like the gypsy woman said!
  • While investigating the apparent murder of Jim Darkmagic by someone called Roger, the party stumbles upon what seems to be a decisive clue.
    Mike: It's a little photo of a very young Jim and what looks to be a very young Pathos at school. You can see that Jim is holding a big trophy and its says "Nr. 1 Magic Guy" and then underneath it says "Best at magic".
    Jerry: Is Pathos holding a smaller trophy?
    Mike: Pathos does not have a trophy and he's in the background sort of watching. That's the front of it.
    Jerry: But... [Gesticulating turning the photo].
    Mike: It says "Roger and I, 1967".
    Chris: Reveal.
    Jerry: I flip it back over.
    Mike: It's still just a photo of Jim and Pathos.
    Jerry: I flip it over again.
    Mike: It still just say "Roger and Jim, 1967".
    Jerry: I flip it over and then I flip it over again really fast.
    Mike: Still just the picture and still just the inscription.
    Mike: It turns into a dove and flies away.
  • After seeing the enormous and elaborate set piece used in the PAX West Live Game of 2016
    Jerry: So Chris, what the fuck is going on here man?
    Chris: I was given a budget!

  • While trying to locate one of Omin sisters (who Jim has a history of seducing).
    Jim: You got any pictures of her? It wouldn't make it harder. Or it might.

"Tell me more about this Apparitions Inebriated".