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Funny: Abbott and Costello
Considering this is a Comedy Duo, this page needs some Wiki Magic.
  • "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean". definately competes with "Who's on First" as the funniest skit in "The Naughty Nineties", if not their entire career.
  • "Did you ever go to school, stupid?"
  • The Lemon Bit. Probably the funniest con ever.
  • From Abbott and Costello meet the Killer, Boris Karloff, asked of a hypnotized Bud by Boris: How Would You Like to Die?? Lou's response? "Old age." The hypnotist, a murderous and phony Swami played by Karloff, ultimately gets so frustrated with Lou's bungling that he grabs a knife from a drawer and snarls at Lou, ''"You'll commit suicide if it's the last thing you ever do!"''
    • From the same flick, after Lou has become convinced (incorrectly) that Bud has been trying to murder him all through the movie, and demands that a cop arrest him: "Lou, now don't do this! Remember, we're family. We have the same blood in our veins." "Yeah, and I wanna keep mine!"
    • Also from the same movie, when Bud and Lou are checking out a room for any sign of who killed the man Lou's been (incorrectly) accused of killing, Lou hears a noise and opens the door to find the Swami, who promptly hypnotizes Lou with: "You didn't see me. You didn't see me. I wasn't here. I wasn't here." He then vanishes. Bud walks over and asks Lou:
    "What happened to you?"
    Lou:"I just opened the door, and my mind became a blank."
    Bud: "Your mind's been a blank all your life!"
  • In Abbott and Costello meet the Mummy, at one point Lou gets trapped inside the Mummy's tomb with a gaggle of monsters, including a giant lizard (rather obviously an iguana). Lou runs all over the place, panicking as usual. Meanwhile the lizard crawls inside a large chamber. Lou ignorantly follows it inside and shuts the doors. Five seconds later: "HEEEYYYY ABBBOTTTT!" and Lou crashes through the chamber's solid stone walls to escape!
    • Earlier in the film, Bud explains to Lou that not all mummies are female. A stunned Lou asks Bud: "Wasn't your mummy a woman?"
    Bud: "I never had a mummy."
    Lou: "What did your father do, win ya in a crap game?"
  • In Ride 'Em Cowboy, some guys put a dummy of an Indian chief in Lou's room as a joke. The real Indian chief then takes its place and messes with Lou, but pretends to be the dummy when Abbott's around.
    • The "Crazy House" skit shortly after where Lou dreams that he's in a mental ward and every single character in the movie is there as an Indian.
  • In Abbott and Costello meet Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Lou gets repeatedly mauled. At one point while trying to break up a brawl at an early Woman's Rights meeting he gets hit on the head by one furious woman so hard he is hammered into the ground like a nail. And then later on Lou has a needle full of Hyde-juice get repeatedly driven into his backside... leading to Lou becoming a second Hyde. He then terrorizes London before being dragged back to the police station, where he bites all the cops and turns THEM into Hydes!
    • Lou also ends up inside a wax museum where he gets terrified by dummies of Count Dracula and FrankensteinsMonster; is almost given heart failure by a walking (wax) head (after accidentally tossing it on top of a cat); and to cap it all off, he gets clobbered by an angry bobby after assuming he's a wax dummy too.
  • One memorable moment in Abbott and Costello go to Mars Even if they actually visit Venus instead occurs when the boys and two gangsters from Earth try to seduce the gorgeous Amazons of an entirely female Venus. It works until the Queen reminds her subjects of what their men were really like — a gang of Greek Gods with similar morals. The women then look disdainfully at Costello and the rest. Lou puffs his chest up, only to collapse at a dirty look from one angry Venusian.
    • Earlier in the movie, Abbott and Costello accidentally land in New Orleans during Mardi Gras and think that the costumed locals are Martians. Because they're just that stupid.
    • Also in the movie, early on after unintentionally stealing a rocket ship the fly into the Lincoln Tunnel with it. An obvious drunk sees them and charges into the bar he just vacated to resume drinking. Later, the same drunk, now clean-cut and obviously sober, is walking past the bar with an air of obvious disdain when he sees the rocket ship come flying back out of the Lincoln Tunnel. He charges back into the bar and starts swigging a whole bottle down. If you see things like that when you're sober, you may as well be drunk!
    • Also while terrorizing Earth in the rocket ship, they go flying at the Statue of Liberty. Lou shrieks at her to, "Duck, lady, duck!" She promptly does so, leaving Lou to do a Wild Take.
  • In Buck Privates, Lou winds up clinging to a branch after he falls over a cliff. When Bud casually asks him what he's doing in the tree, Lou shouts back, "I sat on it when it was an acorn!"
  • In Abbott and Costello Meet Captain Kidd, the boys get shanghaied by the titular captain (played by Charles Laughton). At one point Kidd threatens Lou with putting him in irons. Lou asks him 'how they work'. Kidd obligingly puts the shackles on, and Lou starts giving him grief, even inviting Bud to take part. Bud and Lou leave the cabin for a moment. Unfortunately for Lou, Kidd escapes the shackles, but pretends to still be in them. So when Lou returns to the cabin...
    Lou (holding up his fist): "You wanna know what I'm gonna do now?"
    Captain Kidd (showing that his hands are free): "WHAT?"
    Lou: "I'm gonna run for my life!"
  • In Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops, the boys disguise themselves as a burglar and a cop in order to steal incriminating evidence from the Big Bad's home. Naturally, a real burglar and cop show up and Hilarity Ensues.
  • In The Time Of Their Lives, Lou plays the ghost of an American Revolutionary War tinker falsely accused of treason and shot dead and tossed down a well for it. He eventually meets up with Bud Abbott's character, a New York therapist who doesn't believe in ghosts and who is descended from (to say nothing of an exact twin for) a butler who tried to steal Lou's girlfriend when he was alive. Lou gleefully terrorizes the poor fellow until the housekeeper walks in. The startled ghost flees after exclaiming:
    "Ods bodkins! What well did she come out of?"
  • The bank scene in Buck Privates Come Home. Bud and Lou talk to a bank manager about a loan to fund their friend's midget racer, and bring the blueprints and a working model to show their preparedness. Lou starts up the model for the manager, but he starts it backwards and it backfires, making it look like he's robbing the bank with a machine gun through the office's frosted glass window.
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