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Funny: A Song of Ice and Fire
  • Tyrion Lannister is practically a walking, drinking, wenching Crowning Moment of Funny.
    • "Tyrion found it disheartening to realize so many strangers were eager to kill him. Perhaps this had not been such a clever plan after all."
    • "Tyrion was about to tell his father how he proposed to reduce the Vale of Arryn to a smoking wasteland, but he never got the chance."
    • And this:
    Barbarian: How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?
    Tyrion: In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty.
    • At the Lannister camp, Tywin is listing their multiple enemies on various fronts: the Starks, Lord Beric, Stannis, Renly, etc.
    Tyrion: It's not so bad father. Rhaegar Targaryen is still dead.
  • Many of the descriptions in the sex scenes. In particular, the descriptions in Cersei's AFFC sex scene with Taena Merryweather.
  • The death of Tywin Lannister in A Storm of Swords, proving he does not, in fact, shit gold
  • For many readers, the death of Joffrey in the same book, after EVERYTHING he's done is insanely satisfying and hilarious depending on how much you hated the little prick which honestly is probably a lot. Also counts as adult fear at the same time when you see Cersei's reaction to the scene unfolding before her
  • At Joffrey's wedding, Tyrion takes his Deadpan Snarker qualities Up to Eleven when he thinks:
    Tyrion: (in thought) My own wedding is looking much better in hindsight.
  • Missandei's Tactful Translation of Kraznys' insults can be extremely funny.
    Kraznys: I will feed her jellied dog brains, and a fine rich stew of red octopus and unborn puppy.
    Missandei: Many delicious dishes can be had here, he says.
  • At one point, Eddard Stark thinks about Gregor Clegane, including the fact that dogs are afraid to enter his hall. By this point Summer, Grey Wind, and Shaggydog have kicked out all the dogs from Winterfell's hall.
  • "Cersei is a lying whore. She's been fucking Lancel and Osmund Kettleblack and probably Moon Boy for all I know."
    • Given the circumstances of the scene, definitely Black Comedy.
  • While its used as a horrible means of humiliation for Tyrion, the dwarf joust show is Actually Pretty Funny. It involves two dwarves riding a pig and a dog, exchanging colorful insults and getting confused about which mount belongs to which. In A Dance With Dragons, Tyrion meets Penny, one of the dwarf jousters, whose brother was killed because he resembled Tyrion. Penny complains that she had nowhere to go, she only knows how to mount comic joust shows and that needs two dwarves... Tyrion sees right through her intentions and refuses blatantly to participate. The next chapter starts with Tyrion riding the pig.
  • In-story, the arrival of Stannis Baratheon to the conflict in A Clash of Kings. He arrives with a massive warship armada, against the outnumbered Lannisters... and goes straight to attack his brother. When hearing the news of this from Tyrion, Cersei remarks that she never would have thought that Robert was the smart brother. Despite their animosity at every other point, this cracks both Tyrion and Cersei up and they dance around the room, as both consider the circumstances/her remark Actually Pretty Funny.
  • Renly's completely deadpan reaction to Stannis confronting him and demanding that he recognize him as king. "No one wants you for their king. Sorry."
  • As the story of how Arya disarmed Joffrey is being told by both sides in the Court Renly has to be escorted out because he's laughing at and mocking Joff too much
  • Cersei and Tyrion sit down to talk:
    Cersei: *slap*
    Tyrion: You think I'm as blind as our father? Altough it's pretty unfair that you open your legs for one brother, and not for the other.
    Cersei: *SLAP*
    Tyrion: Just kidding. I prefer a good whore. Never understood what he saw on you, apart from his own reflection.
    Cersei: *SLAP*
    • Really, that genetic Lannister inability to keep your big mouth shut when a clever remark occurs to you is funny every time Jaime or Tyrion falls victim to it.
  • Theon shamelessly seduces a married woman, who turns out to be his sister Asha. He's not pleased.
    • His reaction to his mute squire (who watched the whole thing) smirking at him is hilarious:
    He gave the boy a clout on the ear. "That's for enjoying this so much." And another, harder. "And that's for not warning me. Next time, grow a tongue."
  • While it's painful to see how Joffrey treats both Tommen and Sansa, this exchange qualifies as an Actually Pretty Funny moment, because finally somebody is telling her to stop prattling on about courtly love already.
    Joffrey: (to a crying Tommen) You mew like a suckling babe. Princes aren't supposed to cry.
    Sansa: Prince Aemon the Dragonknight cried the day Princess Naerys wed his brother Aegon, and the twins Ser Arryk and Ser Erryk died with tears on their cheeks after each had given the other a mortal wound.
    Joffrey: Be quiet, or I'll have Ser Meryn give you a mortal wound.
  • After Cersei heard some good news from Tyrion and in response kissed him on the cheek:
    Tyrion Lannister could not have been more astonished if Aegon the Conqueror himself had burst into the room, riding on a dragon and juggling lemon pies.
  • When Beric Dondarrion and co are trying to blame a captured Sandor Clegane for the murder of just about everyone the Lannisters have ever killed. In what is possibly the finest Shut Up, Hannibal! moment of the entire series, Sandor tells them exactly what he thinks of them and their hypocrisy and also invites them to "shove their swords up their arses". Also a Moment Of Awesome.
    • This troper loves the fact that Sandor totally doubles back on himself in the course of the argument. To paraphrase:
    Sandor Clegane: You lot aren't knights. You're just a bunch of shabby bandits that wouldn't know a knight if he danced naked in front of you!
    Beric Dondarrion's Crew: Oh, we so are. We're the knightiest knights ever knighted!
    Sandor Clegane: Well, maybe you are. Because KNIGHTS ARE ARSEHOLES!
  • Bronn's ever more jaw-droppingly brazen rise to power.
    • To elaborate, Cersei arranges for Bronn to have an unfortunate accident with his underlings, Ser Balman and Lady Falyse. Instead, Balman challenges to a jousting match on horseback (thinking that Bronn, not having any jousting experience, will get knocked off his horse and can be killed while he's lying stunned on the ground), only for Bronn to kill Balman's horse instead and kill him while he's lying stunned on the ground. Bronn then kicks out Lady Falyse. Note that this is after Bronn has named his adopted son "Tyrion" when it would be suicide to do so, and has gotten away with it.
    • When Lady Falyse goes crying to Cersei about this, Cersei is so exasperated that she forgets about Bronn and tosses Lady Falyse in the really nasty part of the dungeon.
    • There is a reason why this moment appears on the Moment Of Awesome page as well as this one.
  • Jon breaks his oath and beds Ygritte. He swears upon himself that it won’t happen again.
    • Jarl threatens to throw a bucket of water over the pair of them in the morning if they don't hurry up
    • Before that Jon is embarrassed and uncomfortable with Ygritte always sleeping next to him. His response is to get Ghost to sleep between him and Ygritte to get her to give him some space (with Jon considering the absurdity of the situation)
  • This exchange between Jorah and Dany in A Game of Thrones:
    Dany: Viserys says he could sweep the Seven Kingdoms with ten thousand Dothraki screamers.
    Jorah: *snort* Viserys couldn't sweep a stable with ten thousand brooms.
  • "Jon shooed the raven off Longclaw. The bird hopped back to Mormont’s shoulder, where it promptly shat."
    Mormont: You might have done that on Snow instead of saving it for me.
  • The Night Watch sets up straw dummies as bait for wildling arrows, and name them after different members. Pyp explains to Dolorous Edd that the straw man named for him had been leading the count until the last sortie, whereupon another "man" got three arrows to take the lead.
    • He continues by complaining that the man the winner was named for was lucky because he completely missed the rocks when he fell off the bridge with an axe in his head.
    • Dolorous Edd's dialogue, every word of it, can be considered a Funny Moment personified.
    • When complaning about the cold and thinking of jumping into a pot of boiling water:
    Edd: Though I would sooner it were wine than water. There are worse ways to die than warm and drunk. I knew a brother drowned himself in wine once. It was a poor vintage, though, and his corpse did not improve it.
    Jon: You drank the wine?
    Edd: It's an awful thing to find a brother dead. You'd have need of a drink as well, Lord Snow.
    • In A Storm of Swords, Pyp offers Edd's name as a joke nomination for Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, and is the only one to vote for him. When the contenders are asked to give their "platform speeches", as it were:
    Dolorous Edd: I would just like to say to any who would vote for me that I would certainly make an awful Lord Commander. But so would all these other fools.
    • The next time the votes are counted, he has two.
  • The story of how Asha lost her virginity to a man who "only spoke six words of the Common Tongue. Fuck was one of them."
  • Tyrion challenges Haldon to a cyvasse game, having lost several times already, and Haldon says that the day Tyrion beats him is the day turtles swim out his arse. Cut to after the game, when someone asks when Haldon is:
    He's taken to his bed, in some discomfort. There are turtles swimming out his arse.
    • The only thing that makes that sweeter, is that it's implied Tyrion was deliberately giving him false confidence, since Tyrion offers to bet secrets right before the game.
  • The out of nowhere Shout-Out to Monty Python and the Holy Grail in "A Dance with Dragons," where a member of the Windblown says true Unsullied "don't break and run if you fart in their general direction."
  • Jaime surprises Jonos Bracken in the middle of sex, and one of the darkest mainstream fantasy series ever briefly turns into a classical French farce. "And how fares your lady wife?"
    • Even funnier is Jaime's deadpan snark response to Bracken's greeting.
    Bracken: I fear I did not hear your coming, my lord.
    Jaime: And I fear I've interrupted yours.
    • And Bracken telling his Camp Follower not to cover herself up, her instinctive reaction when Jaime barges in on them. "He wants to see your tits."
  • Jaime's whole visit to the Frey camp is hilarious. He strolls in like a boss, interrupts Lord Ryman, and explains the small flaw in his brilliant plan to him (paraphrasing):
    Frey:I told the Blackfish that if he did not surrender, I would execute his nephew, but he refused.
    Jaime: So you killed Edmure Tully.
    Frey: It worked with Lord Mallister — he gave in within hours after they threatened to kill his son. But Brynden Tully is impossible to reason with!
    Jaime: So, clearly, you had to kill Edmure Tully.
    Frey: No.
    Jaime: No?
    Frey: I can't kill him! He's the only leverage I have!
    Jaime: Only a fool threatens to do what he is not prepared to do. If I threatened to hit you if you opened your mouth again, and you dared to speak, what do you think I would do?
    Frey: Ser, you do not underst-
    Jaime: ::backhands::
    • Then he informs Lord Ryman that nobody ever actually made him Lord Paramount of the Riverlands like he thought, deposes him, sends him home, and tells his son Edwyn that he's now in charge, provided he tries not to be as much of an idiot as his father. It seems like Jaime's picking up the Lannister awesome/funny slack while Tyrion is busy being all drunk and depressed.
      • When Jaime tells Edwyn Frey to do a better job than his father, Edwyn's response is pretty funny as well:
    Woman: I'm the queen.
    Jamie: My sister will be surprised to hear that.
    Woman: Lord Ryman crowned me his very self. (shakes her hips) I'm the queen o'whores.
    Jamie's thoughts: No my sweet sister holds that title too.
  • The bit where Dany walks in on her handmaidens Irri and Jhiqui arguing about bloodrider Rakharo while the scribe Missandei just sits there reading a scroll, totally uninterested.
    "You are too skinny for him," Jhiqui was saying. "You are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known." Irri bristled back. "It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows."
  • When Jaime, Cleos Frey and Brienne are journeying away from Riverrun, and they come across an inn. Also doubles as a Moment Of Awesome for Jaime Lannister:
    Jaime: Come on, let's see who's home (*opens door and finds a crossbow in his face)
    Crossbowman: Lion, Wolf or Fish?
    • Later on in the conversation:
      Crossbowman: Why's this one in irons?
      Jaime: Killed some crossbowmen.
    • Later on during their journey, there's another double one when the party's attacked by outlaw archers. Jaime rides straight at them to scatter them and is halfway there before it occurs to him that "the wench had better follow before they realise they're being charged by an unarmed man in chains".
  • On the subject of Jaime/Brienne moments, a lot of what happens in the bear pit is Actually Pretty Funny. First, Jaime tries very heroically to take down the bear with a thrown human jawbone... and misses by about a yard, because he's not so good with his left hand. Then the two of them get into an argument about who should get behind who, since she's a woman with a fake sword and he's a man with no sword and no hand to hold it in. Then he gets sick of the argument and just shoves her over.
  • "The men were erect. The sight of their arousal was arousing."
  • When Ser Corliss Penny wonders aloud whether an entire army has ever frozen to death in a winter storm, it only serves to make the Northmen present burst out in laughter.
    Big Bucket Wull: "Up in the hills we say that autumn kisses you, but winter fucks you hard. This is only autumn's kiss."
  • Hodor often livens up Bran chapters, aided by Martin's narration. Standouts include the line " 'Hodor', Hodor said doubtfully" and when Bran tells him to stop hodoring.
    • There's also this gem in a conversation about Coldhands:
    “His elk?” said Bran, wonderstruck.
    “His elk?” said Meera, startled.
    “His ravens?” said Jojen.
    “Hodor?” said Hodor.
    • It's not really funny that he gets beaten up badly for it, but after Theon takes Winterfell, he makes a speech to everyone there and basically asks if anyone has objections to his being in charge now. Hodor angrily shouts out "Hodorhodorhodor!"
  • Jaime's relentless trolling (there's no other word for it, really) of Cat Stark when she interrogates him in Riverrun:
    Catelyn Stark: A man chained in hand and foot should keep a more courteous tongue in his mouth. I did not come here to be threatened.
    Jaime Lannister: No? Then surely it was to have your pleasure of me? They say widows grow weary of their empty beds. We of the Kingsguard vow never to wed, but I suppose I could still service you if that's what you need. Pour us some of that wine and slip out of that gown and we'll see if I'm still up to it.
  • At the end of A Clash of Kings, the victors/survivors of the Battle of the Blackwater are being honored, the Lannisters and the court are in their finery, and Tywin enters in all his magnificence to greet Joffrey... and then his horse shits on the carpet in front of Joffrey and Joffrey has to step around it to greet him. The spirit of the event was kind of ruined there.
    • Even better, while the victors were being rewarded and the captives were punished or forced to bend the knee, Joffrey cuts himself on the Iron Throne and runs crying out of the throne room. Tywin takes over as if nothing had happened.
    • In A Storm of Swords, Joffrey calls Lord Tywin a coward. Tywin and Kevan send him to bed without any supper, and drug him so he will sleep and not disturb them.
  • Dany apparently getting dysentery. Disgusting, but funnier than it sounds.
    Sunset found her squatting in the grass, groaning. Every stool was looser than the one before, and smelled fouler. By the time the moon came up she was shitting brown water. The more she drank, the more she shat, but the more she shat, the thirstier she grew, and her thirst sent her crawling to the stream to suck up more water.
  • From one of Tyrion's ADWD chapters: "The ship groaned and growled beneath him like a constipated fat man straining to shit." Write What You Know, eh Georgie?
  • Tyrion, bidding on himself, when he is being auctioned off, as a slave:
    "Five thousand is an insult!" Tyrion called out. "I joust. I sing. I say amusing things. I'll fuck your wife and make her scream. Or your enemy's wife if you prefer, what better way to shame him? I'm murder with a crossbow, and men three times my size quail and tremble when we meet across a cyvasse table. I have been known to cook from time to time. I bid ten thousand silvers for myself! I'm good for it, I am, I am. My father told me I must always pay my debts."
    • Tyrion has something of a habit of chiming in during discussions that other people are trying to have about him as if he's not there.
    Inkeeper: "Don't kill him in here!"
    Tyrion: "Don't kill him anywhere!"
  • Victarion Greyjoy's interesting priorities:
    Euron’s gifts were poisoned, the captain had reminded himself the day the dusky woman came aboard. I want none of his leavings. He had decided then that he would slit her throat and toss her into the sea, a blood sacrifice to the Drowned God. Somehow, though, he had never gotten around to it.
  • Victarion's misadventures as he sails east.
  • Arya meets the Kindly Man, the apparent head of the Faceless Men and asks him if he can teach her to change her face. He tells her to puff her cheeks and stick out her tongue, and when she does, tells her, "There, your face has changed."
  • Oberyn Martell talks to Tyrion about his dead older sister Elia and says that he was as close to her as Jaime is to Cersei. Tyrion thinks to himself, "Gods, I hope not". A quite funny moment in an otherwise sad scene.
  • In the category for "so squicky it's hilarious", the award has go to go to the scene where Jaime has semi-consensual sex with Cersei next to the corpse of their child-by-incest, and Cersei was menstruating at the time.
    • In a chapel, too.
  • Roose Bolton shows his Faux Affably Evil to the full when after having a injuries treated and serving her a nice meal, he casually gives Brienne back to the Brave Companions, telling her that she'd better worry less about Starks and more about sapphires. Despicable, but funny.
    • Incidentally, the earlier sapphires scene itself is pretty funny. Jaime gets Vargo Hoat to stop the Brave Companions from raping and/or killing Brienne by falsely telling Hoat that Tarth, Brienne's birthplace, is called 'the Sapphire Isle' for the fortune in sapphires there, which Brienne's father would pay as ransom. Later, Jaime tells Brienne that part of the reason he thought of that particular lie is because he wanted to hear Hoat say sapphires with his Thpeech Impediment.
  • In a nice bit of Black Comedy in AFFC, Cersei's bounty on Tyrion's head results in several unscrupulous individuals murdering random dwarfs and at least one child. After the umpteenth wrong head being brought to her, Cersei angrily asks Lady Merryweather just how many dwarfs could there possibly be. Lady Merryweather replies, "Fewer than there were before."
  • Quentyn Martell and Gerris Drinkwater's banter.
    Quentyn: You'd know this if you bothered to read the book Maester Kedry gave you.
  • Pyp mocking Melisandre at dinner, thereby making the men of the Night's Watch chortle.
    Pyp: The night is dark and full of turnips. Let us pray for venison, my children, with some onions and a bit of tasty gravy.
  • During a Clash of Kings, Jojen has a prophetic dream about Winterfell flooded by the sea and several of its inhabitants drowning, a metaphor for the Ironborn invading and sacking it. Only one guard believes it, and well...
    Alebelly was the only one who paid the warning any heed. He went to talk to Jojen himself, and afterward stopped bathing and refused to go near the well. Finally he stank so bad that six of the other guards threw him into a tub of scalding water and scrubbed him raw while he screamed that they were going to drown him like the frogboy had said. Thereafter he scowled whenever he saw Bran or Jojen about the castle, and muttered under his breath.
  • Arya and the kindly man get one in the house of black and white.
    The priest lowered his cowl. Beneath he had no face; only a yellowed skull with a few scraps of skin still clinging to the cheeks, and a white worm wriggling from one empty eye socket. "Kiss me, child," he croaked, in a voice as dry and husky as a death rattle.
    • She proceeds to grab for the worm and try to eat it, only for it to dissolve in her hands as he takes off the face. The kindly man is amused. "No one has ever tried to eat my worm before."
  • Arya's advice to Lommy Greenhands when he expresses his fear of being eaten by wolves. His constant talk of yielding to Ser Amory Lorch instead of having fought and lost annoys their little band to no end. And so...
    Arya: Lommy, you keep Weasel here.
    Lommy: What if the wolves come?
    Arya: Yield.
  • In A Feast For Crows, Jaime attempts to follow in his father's footsteps, and intimidate Edmure Tully by having a minstrel play "The Rains of Castamere". Edmure reacts appropriately (Jaime actually thinks it's an over-reaction), but rather than being spooked by the song, which is usually the case, Edmure demonstrates Skewed Priorities, as his reaction is because the minstrel Jaime had play it once wrote a derisive song about Edmure being unable to get it up.
    • There's also Dramatic Irony value in that the audience learns that the minstrel in question, Tom O'Sevens, belongs to a group of outlaws who are exacting revenge on Freys and Lannisters, and it's implied from some of Tom's comments that Jaime just moved up his position on the "going to get hanged" list.
  • While Theon's chapters in A Dance With Dragons aren't exactly a laugh riot, there's a funny line in the middle of one of the chapters, where he's thinking about camp followers euphemistically called "washerwomen". "... Some of them even did some washing."
    • Likewise:
    [Hot Pie]: "Pia says she saw something in the buttery."
    Pia was often seeing things in the buttery. Usually they were men.
  • From a group of mummers trying to put on Seven Drunken Oarsmen after two of their troupers have left:
    "We shall strive to make up in drunkenness what we lack in oarsmen. I for one am equal to the task."
  • The whole concept of Skagos is kind of funny. Unicorns are typically associated with the most idealistic of fantasy, which makes it amusing (and typical of the series) that the location where unicorns are found is a Place Worse Than Death the thought of which scares even jaded Westerosi. Also, the few details about unicorns shown so far, suggest they aren't the friendliest of creatures.
    • Made even funnier with the speculation that Ned's mother was probably from there.
  • Also from A Dance with Dragons, Wyman Manderly's denies having ordered the murder of Little Walder Frey and retorts to his accuser, also a Frey:
    "Though mayhaps this was a blessing. Had he lived he would have grown up to be a Frey."
  • Arya describing her group participating in combat- " "In his chainmail shirt with a sword in his hand, Gendry looked almost a man grown, and dangerous. Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie."
  • Stannis' put down to Jon in A Dance With Dragons- “You haggle like a crone with a codfish, Lord Snow. Did Ned Stark father you on some fishwife?”
    • Every time Stannis makes something that could be interpreted as an attempt at humor. His "jokes" are so absolutely unfunny they instantly become classic.
    • Stannis does have a few instances of humor, if unintended. His tearing down of Janos Slynt, for instance.
    Bowen Marsh: Who better to command the black cloaks than a man who once commanded the gold, sire?
    Stannis: Any of you, I would think. Even the cook.
    • "Laws should be made of iron. Not pudding."
      • In fact despite his reputation for having no sense of humor Stannis delivers some really cutting put downs:
    Renly: A year ago I was scheming to make the girl Robert's queen, but what does it matter? The boar got Robert and I got Margaery. You'll be pleased to know she came to me a maid.
    Stannis: In your bed she's like to die that way.
    • Stannis' dry, sarcastic and relatively modern(for the reader)humor is almost inconceivable in a world like Westeros. It's made even clearer when Stannis is one of the few characters that simply doesn't think that fools are funny, but others think they're hilarious.
  • Rather dark humour, but just after Jon executes Janos Slynt, Olaf asks if he can have Slynt's boots.
  • Roose Bolton's most lighthearted line:
    "I have become oddly fond of my fat little wife."
    • Roose trying to set his son straight in Barrowton is full of darkly humorous one-liners:
    "Get the keys and remove those chains from [Reek], before you make me rue the day I raped your mother."
    "Only Lady Barbrey, whom you would turn into a pair of boots... inferior boots. Human skin is not as tough as cowhide and will not wear as well."
  • The entirety of Sansa's dinner with Margaery and her family members, where Margaery and her grandmother try to find out what Joffrey is really like, all while Butterbumps, the Tyrell family's fool sings "The Bear and the Maiden Fair" at increasingly ridiculous volumes.
    • Olenna Redwyne fires off funny moments as only a clever old woman who no longer cares who she offends can. After several blatant attempts by the entertainers at Joffrey's wedding to curry favor with their hosts:
      "I hope they play "Rains of Castamere." It's been ten minutes since I heard it last; I've forgotten how it goes."
  • Sansa's proclamation that she wants to marry Joffrey.
  • Tyrion defending himself against Catelyn's accusations on the way to the Vale leads to this exchange:
    Catelyn: Why would Petyr lie to me?
    Tyrion: Why does a bear shit in the woods?
    • Also the fact that while he's mad that she's accusing him falsely of the attempted murder of a child, he is equally mad that she thinks he's dumb enough to bet against Jaime in a tournament.
  • During their negotiations, Renly reaches inside his coat. Stannis and everyone around him thinks that he's pulling a weapon... he has a peach, which he offers to Stannis. Made even funnier after Renly's death, when Stannis is still trying to figure out what the peach represented.
  • "Every once in a very long while, Lord Tywin Lannister would actually threaten to smile; he never did, but the threat alone was terrible to behold."
    • This makes for a nice bit of black comedy in AFFC, when Tywin's corpse is slowly drying out, causing the muscles of his mouth to shrink and tighten. Thus, for the entirety of his vigil and funeral (which is open-casket, by the way), his mouth is pulled back into a wide rictus grin, much to Cersei's continued annoyance and Jaime's mild amusement:
    Jaime: "He seems to enjoy being dead."
  • One very early in the first book: before he leaves for the Wall, Jon gets Arya a sword as a present. Regarding learning to use it, he helpfully says: "First lesson: stick them with the pointy end."
    • Becomes a Tear Jerker later on, when Arya is running for her life, and confronted with someone who's going to take her back to her enemies. In a panic, all of the sword fighting lessons that she's had go right out of her head, "and the only lesson that she could remember was the very first lesson, the one that Jon had given her." It turns out to be enough.
    • In a bit of black comedy/mood whiplash, Jon thinks of the line when he is (possibly fatally) stabbed in A Dance With Dragons.
  • After spending three books watching people killing and dying over sex and marriage, it's somewhat hilarious to find out that the only reason Oberyn Martell is (mostly idly) considering Cersei's offer of marriage is because his mistress is kinky and they've been looking all over Westeros for a blonde third.
  • Once they've spent a few weeks on the boat getting to know one another, Penny nervously asks Tyrion if he wants to joust with her, and he reacts about the way you'd expect Tyrion to react to someone asking him to ride a pig in a dwarf jousting show. It's only hours later that he realizes that Penny might have meant something a lot more intimate when she said "do you want to joust with me," in which case "OH DEAR GODS IN ALL THE SEVEN HEAVENS A THOUSAND TIMES NO" was probably not the most diplomatic answer to give.
  • In A Feast For Crows, Cersei has become so used to everybody knowing about her and Jaime that she starts to forget that it's still technically supposed to be a secret (and that that secret is the only reason Tommen is still sitting on the Iron Throne). Forgetting leads her into funny ass-covering moments, like when she tells the Tyrells that that Tommen will be a great jouster like his father, and then has to backtrack and scramble to remember if Robert ever actually won any jousts.
  • Shitmouth exclaiming, "Well bugger me with a bloody spear!" on seeing the legendary Kingslayer. Jaime immediately requests someone hand Ser Ilyn a spear so he can shove it up the man's ass.
    Shitmouth: (eying the spear) Get away from me with that thing!
    Jaime: Well make up your mind.
  • As long as we're on the subject of Jaime: when he, Cleos, and Brienne are traveling through the Riverlands, they come across the famously beautiful namesake pool of Maidenpool, only to discover that it's full of rotting corpses. Brienne and Cleos react with horror. Jaime takes one look at it and starts singing a song about pretty bathing maidens.
  • During a conversation with Tyrion, Tywin refers to Varys as "That cockless wonder."
    • Alliser Thorne at one point tries to use eunuch to put down Varys in A Clash of Kings, to which Littlefinger chimes in with "To his face, we call him Lord Eunuch"
  • Tyrion turns up in Cersei's council meeting after being presumed dead and requests a private word with her sister. Varys says how he must have longed for the sound of his sister's sweet voice. After his sister starts tearing into Tyrion...
    Cersei: "How I have longed to have that eunuch's tongue pulled out with hot pincers!"
  • Gatehouse Ami says how her father was hung by outlaws. Her Grammar Nazi mother corrects it to "hanged", saying "Your father was not a tapestry."
    • Lancel was told to marry Gatehouse Ami because she'd win over the Darry smallfolk. His and Jaime's cousin Daven asks Jaime "How, by fucking them?"
  • A singer at Joffrey's wedding sings about the battle on the Blackwater, and Tyrion adds his own line.
    Singer: The dark lord assembled his legions, they gathered around him like crows. And thirsty for blood they boarded their ships...
    Tyrion: ...and cut off poor Tyrion's nose.
  • It's a small moment, but while fleeing Deepwood Motte, Asha finds herself fighting one of Stannis' knights who repeatedly calls her a cunt in the heat of battle. After she's defeated and captured, the knight comes and apologizes to her for calling her a cunt, but not, as Asha notes, for trying to kill her with an axe.
  • Something between this and a Heartwarming Moment and a Crowning Moment of Making You Say "Awww!": the list of kings, houses and such in the appendix contains, as of Dw D, such charming entries as "Lady This, died screaming in the black cells", or "Ser That, died of the bloody flux", or, "her enemies, false friends and uncertain allies", or "Vera, his axe" (all names anonymized to prevent spoilage)... but also, with Tommen: "his kittens, Ser Pounce, Lady Whiskers, Boots".
    • And "Lysa Arryn, slain with a shove"....kinda takes the dismissive-black-humor Cake.
  • When Tyrion is on the auction block, ..."and one!"
  • Ned Stark's inner thoughts about how uncomfortable the Iron Throne is and how much he hates doing Robert's job.
    "Damn Aegon for his conceit and damn Robert and his hunting."
  • On the Acknowledgements page at the end of Dance, George R. R. Martin begins with "The last one was a bitch. This one was three bitches and a bastard."
  • In A Storm of Swords, Gendry and Arya are in a tavern. A girl gloats that she might be Robert Baratheon's daughter and immediately offers to "ring his bell". After bickering with Arya, Gendry even threatens to take her up on it.
  • Dany's negotiation with the slaver, who thinks she cannot understand his language (she can), so he pulls no punches when addressing her through an interpreter, and the interpreter has to heavily edit his speech.
    • Made even better when Daenerys starts shouting orders to her newly-purchased Unsullied - in High Valyrian. The slaver realizes that she could understand him the entire time...
  • Bran's dream of the talking crow.
    Bran: Help me.
    Crow: I'm trying. Say, do you have any corn?
  • When Cersei's being paraded through King's Landing later in A Dance with Dragons, a whore has the most beautiful insult for her (the crowd is content with "Brotherfucker"): She lifts up her skirt and proudly proclaims that her "cunny" isn't as used as the queen's.
  • Half the things that come out of Tormund Giantsbane's mouth are hilarious. Mostly dick jokes, but they still raise a smile. Har!
    • An example would be "If a man does not use his member it becomes smaller and smaller until one day he wants to piss and can't find it".
    • And Tormund ranting at Jon Snow for being a turncloak, including throwing his mug at him, but not before draining it first as he's not someone to waste good mead.
      • Twice.
      • Then after hours of swearing, threatening, and insulting Jon, he immediately starts acting like Jon is a drinking buddy.
    • Both times Mance sends Tormund out so he can't talk to Jon alone
    Mance: All of you out.
    Tormund: Even me?
    Mance: Especially you
  • From "The Hedge Knight", Prince Daeron the Drunkard comes up with quite a droll description of his vicious, sadistic brother Aerion:
    Daeron: Aerion's quite the monster. He thinks he's a dragon in human form, you know. That's why he was so wroth at that puppet show. A pity he wasn't born a Fossoway, then he'd think himself an apple and we'd all be a deal safer, but there you are.
  • Tyrion, Penny and Jorah's slave auction is by turns distressing, darkly funny with flashes of awesome mixed in with the horror. And, then we get the very persistent and absurdly amusing, penny-pinching voice saying, "And one." You can almost see the steam coming off the auctioneer even before Jorah really pushes it.
  • Stannis's reaction when Jon ticks off the leaders of the mountain clans, and offhandedly mentions one known as "Big Bucket".
  • A poignant-yet-hilarious moment in reference to an Offscreen Moment of Awesome: When Jon and Tormund discuss the death of Mag the Mighty, leader of the giants, Jon corrects Tormund by telling him no, it didn't take a lot of men to kill him, just one brave man named Donal Noye. Tormund asks if Noye was some gallant knight and Jon admits he was actually a blacksmith and only had one arm. Tormund nearly shits himself laughing in mirth and admiration.
  • Despite the serious tone and infuriating unfairness of the scene, the conversation between Janos Slynt and Jon Snow when the former questions the latter's loyalty turns funny when Slynt asks if Snow thinks his "head is stuffed with cabbage".
    Jon: I have no idea what your skull is stuffed with. My lord.
  • In the newly released chapter from Winds of Winter we have Arya unknowingly play what is heavily implied to be Sansa in a Bravossian play based on the start of the War of the Five Kings and the part Tyrion played....albeit demonizing him as a RichardIII type cackling villain.
  • When Littlefinger marries Lysa Arryn, everyone in the room below them, including Sansa can hear them having sex. Or rather, can hear Lysa having sex, very loudly. She told everyone she expected Petyr to make her scream, after all, and boy does he deliver. (Gods only knew what Petyr was thinking during this bit.)
  • "I am not without mercy!" bellowed he who was notoriously without mercy.
  • Patchface's ramblings about life underwater suddenly become much funnier when you remember a famous song...
  • Hot Pie's introduction with Arya repeatedly whipping his ass with a wooden sword... to the point where Hot Pie's trousers become 'brown and smelly.' That's right... Arya literally beat the shit out of him.
  • When Jorah captures Tyrion to present to Daenerys. Tyrion promises to drown him in gold if he lets him go.
    Jorah: I saw a man drown in gold once. It was not a pretty sight.
  • When Jon Snow is marrying Alys Karstark to Magnar of Thenn, she comments that snow during a wedding means it will be a cold marriage-
    Jon Snow: (glances at Queen Selyse and muses) There must have been a blizzard the day she and Stannis wed.
  • In A Storm of Swords after driving off the first Wildling attack, Jon places Grenn in command of the wall
    Grenn: Me?
    Pyp: Him?
    Jon Snow: (thinking) It was hard to tell which of them was more horrified.
    Grenn: But b-but what do I do if the Wildings attack again?
    Jon Snow: Stop them.
    • After another battle he places Pyp in charge. He and Grenn then repeat this exchange, and Jon just shakes his head and smirks.
  • A bit of dark humor comes in A Game Of Thrones, when Dany, after learning that the wine seller who tried to poison her was offered a lordship for assassinating the remaining Targaryens, remarks that Drogo must have earned one for killing Viserys.
  • Tyrion's Deadpan Snarker inner monologue when Oberyn Martell has lost the trial by combat.
    I put my life in the Red Viper's hands, and he dropped it, thought Tyrion. Too late, he remembered snakes don't have hands.
  • In A Storm of Swords, when Jamie is breaking Tyrion out of prison so he can go on the run:
    Jamie: You might do well to take another name.
    Tyrion: Another name? Oh, certainly. And when the Faceless Men come to kill me, I'll say, 'No, you have the wrong man, I'm a different dwarf with a hideous facial scar.'
  • This bit of Margaery Tyrell's description of her imprisonment.
    They will not even let me sleep. They wake me to demand confessions. Last night I confessed to Septa Unella that I wished to scratch her eyes out.

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