Funny: A Song of Ice and Fire

In General

  • Tyrion Lannister is practically a walking, drinking, wenching Crowning Moment of Funny.
    • "Tyrion found it disheartening to realize so many strangers were eager to kill him. Perhaps this had not been such a clever plan after all."
    • "Tyrion was about to tell his father how he proposed to reduce the Vale of Arryn to a smoking wasteland, but he never got the chance."
    • And this:
    Barbarian: How would you like to die, Tyrion son of Tywin?
    Tyrion: In my own bed, with a belly full of wine and a maiden's mouth around my cock, at the age of eighty.
    • At the Lannister camp, Tywin is listing their multiple enemies on various fronts: the Starks, Lord Beric, Stannis, Renly, etc.
    Tyrion: It's not so bad father. Rhaegar Targaryen is still dead.
    • From one of Tyrion's ADWD chapters: "The ship groaned and growled beneath him like a constipated fat man straining to shit." Write What You Know, eh Georgie?
    • When Tyrion is on the auction block, ..."and one!"
    • Tyrion bidding on himself when he is being auctioned off, as a slave:
    "Five thousand is an insult!" Tyrion called out. "I joust. I sing. I say amusing things. I'll fuck your wife and make her scream. Or your enemy's wife if you prefer, what better way to shame him? I'm murder with a crossbow, and men three times my size quail and tremble when we meet across a cyvasse table. I have been known to cook from time to time. I bid ten thousand silvers for myself! I'm good for it, I am, I am. My father told me I must always pay my debts."
    • Tyrion has something of a habit of chiming in during discussions that other people are trying to have about him as if he's not there.
    Inkeeper: "Don't kill him in here!"
    Tyrion: "Don't kill him anywhere!"
  • Many of the descriptions in the sex scenes. In particular, the descriptions in Cersei's AFFC sex scene with Taena Merryweather.
  • While its used as a horrible means of humiliation for Tyrion, the dwarf joust show is Actually Pretty Funny. It involves two dwarves riding a pig and a dog, exchanging colorful insults and getting confused about which mount belongs to which. In A Dance With Dragons, Tyrion meets Penny, one of the dwarf jousters, whose brother was killed because he resembled Tyrion. Penny complains that she had nowhere to go, she only knows how to mount comic joust shows and that needs two dwarves... Tyrion sees right through her intentions and refuses blatantly to participate. The next chapter starts with Tyrion riding the pig.
  • Jon breaks his oath and beds Ygritte. He swears upon himself that it won’t happen again.
    • Jarl threatens to throw a bucket of water over the pair of them in the morning if they don't hurry up
    • Before that Jon is embarrassed and uncomfortable with Ygritte always sleeping next to him. His response is to get Ghost to sleep between him and Ygritte to get her to give him some space (with Jon considering the absurdity of the situation)
  • "Jon shooed the raven off Longclaw. The bird hopped back to Mormont’s shoulder, where it promptly shat."
    Mormont: You might have done that on Snow instead of saving it for me.
  • The Night Watch sets up straw dummies as bait for wildling arrows, and name them after different members. Pyp explains to Dolorous Edd that the straw man named for him had been leading the count until the last sortie, whereupon another "man" got three arrows to take the lead.
    • He continues by complaining that the man the winner was named for was lucky because he completely missed the rocks when he fell off the bridge with an axe in his head.
    • Dolorous Edd's dialogue, every word of it, can be considered a Funny Moment personified.
    • When complaning about the cold and thinking of jumping into a pot of boiling water:
    Edd: Though I would sooner it were wine than water. There are worse ways to die than warm and drunk. I knew a brother drowned himself in wine once. It was a poor vintage, though, and his corpse did not improve it.
    Jon: You drank the wine?
    Edd: It's an awful thing to find a brother dead. You'd have need of a drink as well, Lord Snow.
    • Pyp mocking Melisandre at dinner, thereby making the men of the Night's Watch chortle.
    Pyp: The night is dark and full of turnips. Let us pray for venison, my children, with some onions and a bit of tasty gravy.
  • The story of how Asha lost her virginity to a man who "only spoke six words of the Common Tongue. Fuck was one of them."
  • The bit where Dany walks in on her handmaidens Irri and Jhiqui arguing about bloodrider Rakharo while the scribe Missandei just sits there reading a scroll, totally uninterested.
    "You are too skinny for him," Jhiqui was saying. "You are almost a boy. Rakharo does not bed with boys. This is known." Irri bristled back. "It is known that you are almost a cow. Rakharo does not bed with cows."
  • "The men were erect. The sight of their arousal was arousing."
  • Hodor often livens up Bran chapters, aided by Martin's narration. Standouts include the line " 'Hodor', Hodor said doubtfully" and when Bran tells him to stop hodoring.
    • There's also this gem in a conversation about Coldhands:
    “His elk?” said Bran, wonderstruck.
    “His elk?” said Meera, startled.
    “His ravens?” said Jojen.
    “Hodor?” said Hodor.
    • It's not really funny that he gets beaten up badly for it, but after Theon takes Winterfell, he makes a speech to everyone there and basically asks if anyone has objections to his being in charge now. Hodor angrily shouts out "Hodorhodorhodor!"
  • While Theon's chapters in A Dance With Dragons aren't exactly a laugh riot, there's a funny line in the middle of one of the chapters, where he's thinking about camp followers euphemistically called "washerwomen". "... Some of them even did some washing."
    • Likewise:
    [Hot Pie]: "Pia says she saw something in the buttery."
    Pia was often seeing things in the buttery. Usually they were men.
  • From a group of mummers trying to put on Seven Drunken Oarsmen after two of their troupers have left:
    "We shall strive to make up in drunkenness what we lack in oarsmen. I for one am equal to the task."
  • The whole concept of Skagos is kind of funny. Unicorns are typically associated with the most idealistic of fantasy, which makes it amusing (and typical of the series) that the location where unicorns are found is a Place Worse Than Death the thought of which scares even jaded Westerosi. Also, the few details about unicorns shown so far, suggest they aren't the friendliest of creatures.
  • Stannis' put down to Jon in A Dance With Dragons- “You haggle like a crone with a codfish, Lord Snow. Did Ned Stark father you on some fishwife?”
    • Every time Stannis makes something that could be interpreted as an attempt at humor. His "jokes" are so absolutely unfunny they instantly become classic.
    • Stannis does have a few instances of humor, if unintended. His tearing down of Janos Slynt, for instance.
    Bowen Marsh: Who better to command the black cloaks than a man who once commanded the gold, sire?
    Stannis: Any of you, I would think. Even the cook.
    • "Laws should be made of iron. Not pudding."
      • In fact despite his reputation for having no sense of humor Stannis delivers some really cutting put downs:
    Renly: A year ago I was scheming to make the girl Robert's queen, but what does it matter? The boar got Robert and I got Margaery. You'll be pleased to know she came to me a maid.
    Stannis: In your bed she's like to die that way.
    • Stannis' dry, sarcastic and relatively modern (for the reader) humor is almost inconceivable in a world like Westeros. It's made even clearer when Stannis is one of the few characters that simply doesn't think that fools are funny, but others think they're hilarious.
  • "Every once in a very long while, Lord Tywin Lannister would actually threaten to smile; he never did, but the threat alone was terrible to behold."
    • This makes for a nice bit of black comedy in AFFC, when Tywin's corpse is slowly drying out, causing the muscles of his mouth to shrink and tighten. Thus, for the entirety of his vigil and funeral (which is open-casket, by the way), his mouth is pulled back into a wide rictus grin, much to Cersei's continued annoyance and Jaime's mild amusement:
    Jaime: "He seems to enjoy being dead."
  • One very early in the first book: before he leaves for the Wall, Jon gets Arya a sword as a present. Regarding learning to use it, he helpfully says: "First lesson: stick them with the pointy end."
    • Becomes a Tear Jerker later on, when Arya is running for her life, and confronted with someone who's going to take her back to her enemies. In a panic, all of the sword fighting lessons that she's had go right out of her head, "and the only lesson that she could remember was the very first lesson, the one that Jon had given her." It turns out to be enough.
    • In a bit of black comedy/mood whiplash, Jon thinks of the line when he is (possibly fatally) stabbed in A Dance With Dragons.
  • During a conversation with Tyrion, Tywin refers to Varys as "That cockless wonder."
    • Alliser Thorne at one point tries to use eunuch to put down Varys in A Clash of Kings, to which Littlefinger chimes in with "To his face, we call him Lord Eunuch"
  • Something between this and a Heartwarming Moment and a Crowning Moment of Making You Say "Awww!": the list of kings, houses and such in the appendix contains, as of Dance, such charming entries as "Lady This, died screaming in the black cells", or "Ser That, died of the bloody flux", or, "her enemies, false friends and uncertain allies", or "Vera, his axe" (all names anonymized to prevent spoilage)... but also, with Tommen: "his kittens, Ser Pounce, Lady Whiskers, Boots".
  • Half the things that come out of Tormund Giantsbane's mouth are hilarious. Mostly dick jokes, but they still raise a smile. Har!
    • An example would be "If a man does not use his member it becomes smaller and smaller until one day he wants to piss and can't find it".
    • And Tormund ranting at Jon Snow for being a turncloak, including throwing his mug at him, but not before draining it first as he's not someone to waste good mead.
      • Twice.
      • Then after hours of swearing, threatening, and insulting Jon, he immediately starts acting like Jon is a drinking buddy.
    • Both times Mance sends Tormund out so he can't talk to Jon alone
    Mance: All of you out.
    Tormund: Even me?
    Mance: Especially you
  • From "The Hedge Knight", Prince Daeron the Drunkard comes up with quite a droll description of his vicious, sadistic brother Aerion:
    Daeron: Aerion's quite the monster. He thinks he's a dragon in human form, you know. That's why he was so wroth at that puppet show. A pity he wasn't born a Fossoway, then he'd think himself an apple and we'd all be a deal safer, but there you are.
  • In the newly released chapter from Winds of Winter we have Arya unknowingly play what is heavily implied to be Sansa in a Bravossian play based on the start of the War of the Five Kings and the part Tyrion played... albeit demonizing him as a RichardIII type cackling villain.
  • "I am not without mercy!" bellowed he who was notoriously without mercy.
  • Patchface's ramblings about life underwater suddenly become much funnier when you remember a famous song...