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Funny: A Scotsman In Egypt
  • Many. One of the standout ones is when Edward attacks Gaza.
    Edward's biographer would later write of the passionate battlefield speech the Scottish King in Egypt made that day, of how he waxed eloquent on the virtues of the Scottish, the nobility of the Catholic faith and the evils of the Egyptian heathens. He would write of Edward's impassioned plea for noble battle under the recognised rules of civilized warfare, to remember that they were liberating the peoples of Gaza and do all in their power to avoid bringing harm to them.
    Which was a slight exaggeration of what Edward actually said, which was,"RARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!"
  • Also, when the Popes keep dying in rapid succession, due to Scotland's messangers provoking apoplectic fits.
  • The entire battle in Chp 62.
  • When the Spanish king has a heart attack from enraged and terrified paranoia that there's a Scottish assassin in the room with him. Farquar the Killer pops out afterward, looks at the king's corpse, and comments that "I don't think I can take credit for this one."
  • "HOLD YE PLACE! GUARD THAT GATE LIKE IT WAS YE ARSEHOLE IN ATHENS!"
  • "It was my understanding," noted Gille Calline carefully,"That Pope Maczeus' excommunication of Duke Puccio had more to do with the man's.... predilections.... than his politics."
  • Gordon of Edinburgh, Diplomatic Genius:
    "It was my understanding," noted Gille Calline carefully,"That Pope Maczeus' excommunication of Duke Puccio had more to do with the man's.... predilections.... than his politics."
    "He buggers boys, ye mean," grunted Gordon, and Gille sighed heavily.
    "Buggers boys?" asked Pope Saracinus,"I was never made aware of this in my former life as a Cardinal."
    Gille had noticed that most of the Pope's he'd dealt with over the decades all shared a common conceit. Despite having spent years or even decades dealing at the heart of the dirty and human politics of the Papacy, the moment they became Pope they all seemed to firmly believe that theirs was a divine selection and the underlying politics of the Church no longer existed.
    "Puccio is a discreet man, but those he chooses to keep in his court speak volumes without saying a word. He has a-"
    "He keeps "ladies" about who can grow beards, have bad knees and a talent for biting pillows," snapped Gordon, obviously disgusted.
    "Come now, Gord-" started Gille, but the brash diplomat from Edinburgh overrode him as the wide-eyed Pope looked on.
    "Oh come now my arse!" he snapped, standing up and pacing angrily about the room. The meeting was supposed to be a standard formality, Gille had been having weekly "chats" with whoever the Pope was in Rome for the moment for years now, "Everyone kens, even England's Harry the Honest sent him some stupid young Catamite to spread his arse for an Alliance."
    • Even funnier? IT WORKS, England and Milan are excommunicated.
  • The letter King Istok sends to Domnall Canmore.
  • This line:
    Khan Orda the Merciless had finally achieved his dream and become Khan of the Mongol Horde.
    All 27 of them.
  • After stubbing his toe, eating spoiled meat, learning that some men had deserted, as the rain starts falling, learning that the only other Danish city has fallen, that there's an army of Scotsmen waiting outside, Captain Sigifrid declares that after all these ill omens, Lady Luck is going to start smiling on them. Then he learns Angus the Mauler is leading said army.
    "THAT BITCH!" snapped Sigifrid in horror, then turned on the frightened messenger, "Anything else than, man? Have the Scotsmen learned to fly and shoot fire out of their arses?"
  • Everything about Angus the Mauler and his obsession with ELEPHAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!!!.
  • In the ending, when the Scots under Kirk invade the Aztec empire:
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