- You'd better ask his permission if you're going to install home electronics in his house in a manner that requires you to vandalize it on the inside.
Red: You drilled a hole in my floor! My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
- When Eric fails to put his car in the garage:
Red: It's funny how you always manage to pull up the car right up to the garage, but not in it.
Eric: Yeah, it takes a keen eye and a sure foot.
Red: How would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass?
- Red doesn't really like the Jedi Order, and he makes his view pretty clear:
Eric: May I suggest the teachings of the Jedi?
Red: May I suggest the footing of your ass?
Eric: This is not the ass you're looking for.
- And it ain't just the Jedi Order, either!
Red: All you had to do was build a cabin out of Lincoln Logs.
Eric: Well, I thought I'd score some extra points by building the Millennium Falcon.
Red: The Millennium what? If that's a Star Wars thing, I'm gonna kick you in the ass.
- Of truths and ass-kickings:
Red: Well, that's kinda stupid, Bob.
Bob: Well, I guess the truth hurts.
Red: So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob: All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!
Red: I gotta disagree, Bob!
- Red's probably more concerned about your girl than you are, and he would like to prove it:
Eric: I don't know why Donna's mad at me.
Red: You'll find as you go through life that if you try to turn your girlfriend into a prostitute, she gets cranky.
Eric: But she's all that's standing in between me and the rest of my life.
Red: You're lucky this table is standing between my foot and your ass!
- "If it isn't my son the vandal. You know I oughta vandalize your ass with my foot."
- This guy's got no appreciation for the classics:
Eric: I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met, and you are about to read a book that my foot wrote: it's called On the Road to In Your Ass.
- Even Red can turn this threat into Self-Deprecation:
Red: Today was a total disaster. I didn't send one muffler, and I drew a dozen customers into the hands of my competition. If I were a younger, more flexible man, I'd shove my foot up my own ass.
- Nothing upsets Red more than the smell of stoning:
Red: Dumbass! Do you realize that you put your entire future at risk? What kind of a moron would go and take the fall for some little... Crying and crying and crying. When she's upset, I'm upset. And the next thing you know, I had to have tea with that greasy old hippie, and now I have hippie stink on my couch. Let me tell you something else: if you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard your nose will bleed!
- A good, hard math lesson from Red:
Eric: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Red: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: Are you good in math?
Red: What's the square root of x?
Eric: Um, I really can't answer that.
Eric: No, see, X is a variable, so until you define its parameter the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Red: Is that right?
Kitty: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Red: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Red: Right answer. [aside, to Kitty] That was a trick question, I know they're dumb.
Eric: So, I can go?
Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news, and if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.
- All Red wants for Christmas is his foot in your ass, but Kitty will have none of it:
Bob: If I had mistletoe, I'd kiss you.
Red: Yeah, well, if I had mistle-foot, it'd be in your ass!
Kitty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more talk of you putting your foot in people's rear ends.
- "You better shut up, or I'll launch a nuclear foot to the city of your ass."
- He can beg, borrow or steal all he wants, but it takes an ass-footing threat (most likely jocular this time around) for him to secure the last Eggo waffle of the morning:
Eric: Hey... leggo my Eggo.
Red: Hey... leggo my foot in your ass.
- Red wants to wish you a good night in style:
Red: Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass!
- Having just caught Eric and friends stoning, Red can barely control himself in his threat to kick their asses.
Red: I wish I had! 2000 FEET! So I could put 500 of them, in each of your asses!
- Later, when he's chewing out Kelso and Fez as he and Kitty are executing a search-and-destroy operation on the aforementioned hard drugs:
Red: You morons just hung vacancy signs on your asses, and my foot's looking for a room!
- Who knew household chores could be so creepy-crawly when he's in charge?
Red: OK, get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Eric: Under there? But it's all spidery!
Red: Get under there, or you're gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass!
- More Yuletide Scrooginess from the King of Ass Footing:
Bob: You name 5 reindeer, and I'll step down.
Red: I can name 5 toes that are going to be in your ass!
- Red's got a great property deal for you, wise guy, and he's gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
Bob: I'm looking at the deed to the property and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway and a little bit of your garage.
Red: How would you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
Bob: I wouldn't, to be quite honest.
Red: It's free.
- And if he catches you near his car?
Red: Get away from my car!
Kelso: Your car, my car... aren't we all just driving the same car? It's a car called life.
Red: How about I drive my foot into this thing called your ass?
Kelso: A simple "no" would suffice.
- And Heaven help you if a-hunting you go while he's driving.
Kelso: Hey, Red, don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.
Red: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.
- Red doesn't appreciate the jokes about his heart problems, thank you very much.
Eric: What took you guys so long at the heart doctor's? Oh, let me guess: you had to call in a specialist just to find Dad's tiny heart?
Red: You know we could call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass.
Hyde: We're gonna need an assfootologist, stat.
- Red interjecting something into Kitty's methods of getting help for Eric:
Kitty: We can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...
Red: My foot kicking your ass.
- Red knows the perfect solution to people getting other people lost on the road... if only he knew where to look.
Red: I told him this was a stupid idea! And now, we're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere! My foot is shaking, it wants to kick his ass so bad!
- Sometimes, Eric gets the jump on Red:
Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to—
Eric: Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat... Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Red: Jeez! And I didn't think you were listening...
- Or when Eric pretends he's Red:
Eric: I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight different feet in eight different asses, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
- Really, Eric has earned the Triple Crown of Ass Footings, with how quick he is to suggest to Red that he weaponize it.
Bob: I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy!
Eric: Oh! Dad, you know what's good? Threaten her with the old foot in the ass!
- And, of course, Hyde's assessment of Red's firing habits.
Hyde: I've heard you fire a lot of people, and I've never heard you say, "I hope there's another job out there for you." You say, "I hope my foot doesn't get stuck in your ass." Or, "Don't let my foot get stuck in your ass on the way out the door." Or the classic, "I'm gonna stick my foot in your ass."
- Sometimes, the old foot in the ass won't suffice, as Eric finds out once:
Eric: OK, OK, I think we're forgetting about a time-tested punishment here. There's your foot. Here's my ass. Swing away.
- Be careful that he doesn't step blindly into a prank you intended for someone else:
Eric: Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong—horribly, horribly wrong!
Red: Well, I have a prank, too: one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go horribly! HORRIBLY! WRONG!
- Or that he doesn't catch you red-handed—as in, with your hand stuck in a red vase:
Red: What's going on?
Kelso: Just a classic case of hand stuck in vase.
Red: Well, get it off... or you'll have a classic case of foot stuck in ass!
- And don't even let him think you made your mom cry.
Red: Oh, what did he do? ...I swear I'll kick his ass!
- Worse is if he catches you trying to make out with Kitty.
Red: Leo, buddy, we gotta talk. You're getting me in a lot of trouble around here. Now, I'm begging you—
Kitty: Who is it, Red?
[Red is momentarily distracted before getting more urgent with Leo]
Red: Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a fiery passion... that consumes my soul! That's right! So, you can either... walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my boot in your ass!
Leo: OK, I choose the one with nothing in my ass.
Red: Good choice!
- Kitty gets one when she finds out Red buys her presents "in bulk."
Red: No, it's more of a vast inventory of love.
Kitty: Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of my foot in your ass. Yeah, I can do that, too!
- The next-to-last "foot in ass" of the decade:
Kelso: Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red: Sure, and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
- The actual last "foot in ass" of the decade?
Kelso: You know, with all this time away, I almost forgot you're a hot mom.
Red: You know what else is hot? My foot when it's in your ass.
- Hyde asks Red a question in the finale:
Hyde: Have you ever actually done that with your foot?
Red: Once, on Iwo Jima. I can't talk about it.
Foot In Your Ass / That '70s Show
A Just for Fun page reserved for all the creative ways Red Forman threatens to put his foot up someone's ass. And believe us, he's surprisingly creative in this regard.