- The very first victim of an ass-footing on the show was a patrolman who was sniffing for pot-smoking teenagers and was unlucky enough to happen upon Red in the middle of his search.
Patrolman: OK, kids, break it up, let's go... [the flashlight reveals Red and Kitty sitting in the car] Whoa, hey, you're adults!
Red: Damn right we're adults.
Patrolman: I'm sorry, sir, my mistake.
Red: That's quite all right, we all make mistakes. Now, why don't you go bust some pot-smoking teenagers before I give you a good adult-sized kick in the ass?
Patrolman: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Enjoy your evening.
- Red knows exactly what the world is like, and he's not about to mince words.
Red: I'll tell you, Kitty, the world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second, and it'll kick you right in the ass.
- Red interjecting something into Kitty's methods of getting help for Eric (incidentally, the first time in the series the phrase "foot in ass" or a variation thereof was actually used):
Kitty: We can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...
Red: My foot kicking your ass.
- Of truths and ass-kickings:
Red: Well, that's kinda stupid, Bob.
Bob: Well, I guess the truth hurts.
Red: So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob: All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!
Red: I gotta disagree, Bob!
- Red on responsibility:
Red: Damn kids today, they wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit 'em in the ass!
- Heaven help you if a-hunting you go while he's driving.
Kelso: Hey, Red, don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.
Red: Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.
Fez: Do it, Red, do it!
- Eric's first two cents on Red's foot in his ass:
Eric: Man, Red went ballistic on me! I mean, I wanna keep the job, but... I really don't wanna wear my ass for a hat. 'Cause... you know, he said he could do that and I believe him.
- Don't even let Red think you made your mom cry.
Red: Oh, what did he do? ...I swear I'll kick his ass!
- When Eric fails to put his car in the garage:
Red: It's funny how you always manage to pull up the car right up to the garage, but not in it.
Eric: Yeah, it takes a keen eye and a sure foot.
Red: How would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass?
- When Bob gets in ahead of Red:
Red: All right, that's it, I'm kicking Bob's ass!
Red: Oh, Kitty, we're going to Hell anyway.
- "Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto!"
- Sometimes, Eric gets the jump on Red:
Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to—
Eric: Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat... Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Red: Jeez! And I didn't think you were listening...
- Nothing upsets Red more than the smell of stoning:
Red: Dumbass! Do you realize that you put your entire future at risk? What kind of a moron would go and take the fall for some little... Crying and crying and crying. When she's upset, I'm upset. And the next thing you know, I had to have tea with that greasy old hippie, and now I have hippie stink on my couch. Let me tell you something else: if you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard your nose will bleed!
- A good, hard math lesson from Red:
Eric: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Red: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: Are you good in math?
Red: What's the square root of x?
Eric: Um, I really can't answer that.
Eric: No, see, X is a variable, so until you define its parameter the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Red: Is that right?
Kitty: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Red: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Red: Right answer. [aside, to Kitty] That was a trick question, I know they're dumb.
Eric: So, I can go?
Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news, and if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.
- Red's got a great property deal for you, wise guy, and he's gonna make you an offer you can't refuse.
Bob: I'm looking at the deed to the property and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway and a little bit of your garage.
Red: How would you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
Bob: I wouldn't, to be quite honest.
Red: It's free.
- All Red wants for Christmas is his foot in your ass, but Kitty will have none of it:
Bob: If I had mistletoe, I'd kiss you.
Red: Yeah, well, if I had mistle-foot, it'd be in your ass!
Kitty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more talk of you putting your foot in people's rear ends.
- He can beg, borrow or steal all he wants, but it takes an ass-footing threat (most likely jocular this time around) for him to secure the last Eggo waffle of the morning:
Eric: Hey... leggo my Eggo.
Red: Hey... leggo my foot in your ass.
- There's no excuse for sleepwalking when his foot can do things in its sleep, too.
Red: What's going on?
Eric: I'm... sleepwalking?
Red: And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.
- Don't let him catch you trying to make out with Kitty.
Red: Leo, buddy, we gotta talk. You're getting me in a lot of trouble around here. Now, I'm begging you—
Kitty: Who is it, Red?
[Red is momentarily distracted before getting more urgent with Leo]
Red: Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a fiery passion... that consumes my soul! That's right! So, you can either... walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my boot in your ass!
Leo: OK, I choose the one with nothing in my ass.
Red: Good choice.
- And be careful that he doesn't step blindly into a prank you intended for someone else:
Eric: Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong—horribly, horribly wrong!
Red: Well, I have a prank, too: one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go horribly! HORRIBLY! WRONG!
- Red wants to wish you a good night in style:
Red: Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.
- When Red doesn't know what to do with Donna, Eric gives him a trademark suggestion.
Bob: I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy!
Eric: Oh! Dad, you know what's good? Threaten her with the old foot in the ass!
- At one point, Hyde notices something's a little... off about Red's reaction to one of Eric's antics.
Hyde: Red, you're gonna let Forman get away with that, man? He just felt you up! Where's the foot in the ass? Unless you're getting too old.
Red: SHUT IT.
- "Well, it's good to know that 17 years of kicking your ass has finally paid off."
- Sometimes, the old foot in the ass won't suffice, as Eric finds out once:
Eric: OK, OK, I think we're forgetting about a time-tested punishment here. There's your foot. Here's my ass. Swing away.
- Donna once brings up the subject on trivia night.
Kitty: If you could be anyone's shoe, whose shoe would you be?
Donna: I wouldn't want to be Red's shoe, 'cause I think it's about to go in someone's ass.
- Don't let him catch you red-handed—as in, with your hand stuck in a red vase:
Red: What's going on?
Kelso: Just a classic case of hand stuck in vase.
Red: Well, get it off... or you'll have a classic case of foot stuck in ass!
- "Hey, everybody! I'm Mister Rogers! But wait... I'm not wearing a sweater, and I'm about to kick your ass!"
- Red has the final word on who you can get engaged to and when, and if you get engaged to the wrong person, and/or at the wrong time...
Eric: Oh my God, oh my God, this time Red is really gonna kill me. My only hope is that he actually sticks his foot so far up my ass he can't pull it out, and I get to take him straight to Hell with me.
- Extras are just not his style:
Red: All you had to do was build a cabin out of Lincoln Logs.
Eric: Well, I thought I'd score some extra points by building the Millennium Falcon.
Red: The Millennium what? If that's a Star Wars thing, I'm gonna kick you in the ass.
- Another two cents on possession from Red:
Red: You know, it occurs to me that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money's mine.
Eric: It occurs to me that possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Red: Keep up with the smart mouth, and my foot'll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass.
- More Yuletide Scrooginess from the King of Ass Footing:
Red: This mall is big enough for only one Santa, Bob!
Bob: Tell you what, you name 5 reindeer, and I'll step down.
Red: I can name 5 toes that are going to be in your ass!
Kitty: For goodness sake, why don't we just stop calling it Christmas, and call it Assmas?
- Who knew household chores could be so creepy-crawly when he's in charge?
Red: OK, get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Eric: Under there? But it's all spidery!
Red: Get under there, or you're gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass!
- Don't let him catch you near his car.
Red: Get away from my car!
Kelso: Your car, my car... aren't we all just driving the same car? It's a car called life.
Red: How about I drive my foot into this thing called your ass?
Kelso: A simple "no" would suffice.
- Red doesn't appreciate the jokes about his heart problems, thank you very much.
Eric: What took you guys so long at the heart doctor's? Oh, let me guess: you had to call in a specialist just to find Dad's tiny heart?
Red: You know we could call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass.
Hyde: We're gonna need an assfootologist, stat.
- Some role-playing between Red and Eric:
Red: Well, I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything.
Eric: And I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
- Another gem from Eric:
Eric: Donna, he's not gonna help us. Right now, he's trying to figure out how to get both his feet in both our asses without leaving his chair.
- You'd better ask his permission if you're going to install home electronics in his house in a manner that requires you to vandalize it on the inside.
Red: You drilled a hole in my floor! My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
- "If it isn't my son the vandal. You know I oughta vandalize your ass with my foot."
- Hyde assesses Red's firing habits:
Hyde: I've heard you fire a lot of people, and I've never heard you say, "I hope there's another job out there for you." You say, "I hope my foot doesn't get stuck in your ass." Or, "Don't let my foot get stuck in your ass on the way out the door." Or the classic, "I'm gonna stick my foot in your ass."
- Red doesn't really like the Jedi Order, and he makes his view pretty clear:
Eric: May I suggest the teachings of the Jedi?
Red: May I suggest the footing of your ass?
Eric: This is not the ass you're looking for.
- Red drives a hard bargain, but he has the perfect salary for menial labor:
Eric: OK, if that's a job, then how much does it pay?
Red: It pays my foot not going in your ass.
- "You know, that Donna is a great girl. I can't believe that Eric wouldn't marry her! When I get back home, I'm gonna kick him in the ass."
- This guy's got no appreciation for the classics:
Eric: I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met, and you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On the Road to In Your Ass.
- Red knows the perfect solution to people getting other people lost on the road... if only he knew where to look.
Red: I told him this was a stupid idea! And now, we're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere! My foot is shaking, it wants to kick his ass so bad!
- Red's probably more concerned about your girl than you are, and he would like to prove it:
Eric: I don't know why Donna's mad at me.
Red: You'll find as you go through life that if you try to turn your girlfriend into a prostitute, she gets cranky.
Eric: OK, but Dad, PE is all that's standing between me and the rest of my life.
Red: You're lucky this table is standing between my foot and your ass!
- Having just caught Eric and friends stoning, Red can barely control himself in his threat to kick their asses.
Red: I wish I had 2,000 FEET, So I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!
- Later, when he's chewing out Hyde and Fez as he and Kitty are executing a search-and-destroy operation on the aforementioned hard drugs:
Red: You morons just hung vacancy signs on your asses, and my foot's looking for a room.
- "You better shut up, or I'll launch a nuclear foot to the city of your ass."
- Yep. Red's just that protective of his car.
Randy: What's the big deal? I'll just ask Red if I can borrow the car.
Hyde: Uh, while you’re at it, why don't you ask Red if your ass can borrow his foot?
Randy: Uh, no. I think I'll just ask for the car.
- Red actually doesn't care that the kids have stolen the Fatso Burger clown but Kitty is upset and he wants to keep her from getting upset at him:
Kitty: You are gonna glue poor Fatso back together and you are gonna take him back to his Burger. Right, Red?
Red: Yes... because if... if you don't... furious... foots in asses!
Fez: Holy hell, did you see that? I've never seen Red so angry!
- "I suppose I could've given him a Get My Foot Out Of Your Ass Free card."
- Kitty gets one when she finds out Red buys her presents "in bulk."
Red: No, it's more of a vast inventory of love.
Kitty: Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of my foot in your ass! Yeah, I can do that, too!
- Even Red can turn this threat into Self-Deprecation:
Red: Today was a total disaster. I didn't send one muffler, and I drew a dozen customers into the hands of my competition. If I were a younger, more flexible man, I'd shove my foot up my own ass.
- He happens to be in the business of closing down record stores, so if he comes calling, watch out!
Hyde: Why is the CLOSED sign on the door?
Randy: Oh, Red put that up. He said I could either have a CLOSED sign up the door or an OPEN sign on my ass.
- "I was thinking I could turn your ass into my foot studio."
- Hyde asks Red a question in the finale:
Hyde: Have you ever actually done that with your foot?
Red: Once, on Iwo Jima. I can't talk about it.
- The next-to-last "foot in ass" of the decade:
Kelso: Mr. Forman, can I light this off in your house?
Red: Sure, and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.
- The actual last "foot in ass" of the decade?
Kelso: You know, with all this time away, I almost forgot you're a hot mom.
Red: You know what else is hot? My foot when it's in your ass.
Foot In Your Ass / That '70s Show
A Just for Fun page reserved for all the creative ways Red Forman threatens to put his foot up someone's ass. And believe us, he's surprisingly creative in this regard.