Where's the shitty movie? Where's the shitty movie? Peek-A-Boo!
"In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed that there are two worlds on this planet, a world of light and a world of darkness. 10,000 years ago the Abkani opened a gate between these worlds. Before they could close it, something evil slipped through. The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's most remote places. These artifacts speak of terrifying creatures that thrive in the darkness, waiting for the day when the gate can be opened again. Bureau 713, the government's paranormal research agency, was established to uncover the dark secrets of this lost civilization. Under the direction of archaeologist Lionel Hudgens, Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government shut down his controversial research, Hudgens built a laboratory hidden within an abandonded gold mine. There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children in an attempt to merge man with creature. Hudgens victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling."
- Opening monologue. Could readers who have seen the film please print that out and highlight or circle with a red marker the point where they stopped giving a shit.
Alone In The Dark is a film adaptation of the
Alone In The Dark video game franchise...
At least, that's what
Uwe Boll wants you to think.
Yes,
Uwe Boll made an adaptation of Alone In The Dark,
but fans of the games will tell you he made no such thing. It's
that bad.
The original 1992
Alone in the Dark was set in the 1920s, and centered on private detective Edward Carnby investigating the suicide of Jeremy Hartwood, the owner of the Louisianan mansion Derceto (or alternatively Jeremy's niece Emily), thereby being beset upon by a plethora of horrors inspired by the works of
HP Lovecraft and uncovering and exorcising a curse pertaining to a pirate/voodoo priest who was killed at the mansion long ago and now seeks his resurrection. The game was followed by two sequels;
Alone in the Dark 2: One-Eyed Jack's Revenge in 1993, having him investigate the mansion of Hell's Kitchen regarding the kidnapping of young girl Grace Saunders and the disappearance of fellow detective Ted Stryker, and again contending with a pirate lord and a voodoo queen; and
Alone in the Dark 3: Ghosts in Town in 1994, having him investigate the disappearance of a film crew and friend Emily from the first game at the old western ghost town of Slaughter Gulch, contending with undead gold prospector Jed Stone.
In 2005, a reboot of the series was released with little connection to the original three games;
Alone in the Dark: The New Nightmare. Set in the present day, it centered on a new incarnation of Edward Carnby visiting the mysterious Shadow Island to investigate the death of a friend, accompanied by anthropologist Aline Cedrac, who herself sought some writing tablets of the lost Native American Tribe the Abkani, in addition to the possibility that Obed Morton, the son of the family owning the island, the Mortons, was her father. The two eventually become embroiled in a plot involving Obed's brother Alan attempting to open a gateway to the World of Darkness and take over the world.
Boll's adaptation has precisely dick to do with either of these two continuities or any of these games. It features a few names and basic plot elements from
Alone in the Dark: The New Nightmare mangled with Boll's own impenetrable plot that he thinks is briliant, and
that's about as much of an adaption as it is.
2001: A Space Odyssey,
Begotten,
Eraserhead,
Mulholland Drive,
Neon Genesis Evangelion,
Vase De Noces,
What Is It? and
Zardoz combined are easier to understand than the plot of this movie, but we'll try and explain it anyway...
In this version, ten thousand years ago the Abkani opened a gateway to the World of Darkness and something got through before they could close it and scatter the pieces necessary to open it all over the world. In 1967 remnants of the civilization were discovered and the paranormal research agency of Bureau 713 was established to study it, headed by Lionel Hudgens. Lionel Hudgens' research was eventually shut down, so he established his own lab in an abandoned mine and conducted experiments on a bunch of children from an orphanage in which he implanted these centipede creatures (presumably these are the "things that slipped through before the Abkani could close the gate") in their spines. Now, whenever Hudgens wills it, or
something, Hudgens can control them and make them turn into these monsters called "Xenos". Edward Carnby was one such child. He however, ran and hid in a high voltage box that zapped the centipede in him, so unlike the others Hudgens can't control him, but he is granted certain superpowers (see
Narm, below). Anyways...
...Carnby has grown up. In the movie, he isn't a private detective. Just what he is at all isn't exactly what one would call clear. The centipede in his spine is giving him headaches. He thinks that the Abkani are somehow connected to these headaches. He's been traipsing the world, looking for Abkani artifacts that turn out to be pieces needed to reopen the gate. On his way home from the airport from his latest traipse, there's an impromptu car chase and some superpowered mook gets dispatched in a try-hard gun-fu/kung-fu scene that would make the Wachowski Brothers weep.
Carnby goes to the museum where his old girlfriend, Aline Cedrac, is the curator (
nevermind the fact that there was no romantic plot between these two characters in the game). Some ship rolls into the harbor with Hudgens aboard plus an Abkani artifact. That night, the artifact is activated. The other people who had centipedes implanted in them as children turn into Xenos and go after Carnby. They corner him and Aline in the museum. Some guy rescues them. It turns out that Carnby was once himself a member of Bureau 713. So how come he doesn't know about the Abkani and Doctor Hudgens? Carnby and Aline go back to his place. They have sex. Oh, who are we kidding? There's nothing even vaguely resembling a plot here!
There's another Xenos attack. Bureau 713 drops down from the ceiling and there's an endless fight scene consisting of a lot of guns firing and lights flashing and CGI monsters roaring wherein you can't tell who is where or who is doing what or
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Then, they go the gold mine where Doctor Hudgens' lab is. Some
Redshirts get killed. The gate is reopened. Some guy we don't care about
heroically sacrifices himself to shut the gate. Edward and Aline outrun the big explosion. They climb up a shaft. They emerge through a trapdoor and find themselves at the orphanage. The nun has been murdered by... someone. They go into the city. Everyone's disappeared. Evacuated in one night, an entire city, without a trace. The two go for a solemn walk and are attacked by another Xenos,
despite the fact that it is day and it has previously been established in the movie that Xenos can't survive in sunlight. The end.
If you're thinking "WTF?", don't worry, so are we.
Want
further
proof?
Tropes associated with this film:
- Accent Upon The Wrong Syllable: So where exactly is "New-FOUND-land", Dr. Cedrac? (*snicker*)
- Captain Ersatz: If their appearance wasn't already enough, the monsters are even called "Xenos" too. In the opening monologue, they're called "sleepers", which means that Boll apparently can't even keep the name of the monsters in his own movie consistent.
- Fridge Logic: Several points, particularly the first part where the Mook is chasing the main character, performing several impressive acrobatics, crashing through a window, breaking down a door, and breaking through another window. In respective order, was it necessary to climb and jump on the main character when he could of caught up with him easily? Did he have to break down a door when he could have gone through the same window? Why does he not just use the door?
- Let's not even get started on the scene after this when Edward shoots the mook and the wound heals; prompting him to then try to take it out by engaging in a kicking and punching fight with it.
- Hot Scientist: The role of an archaeologist/museum curator is played by...Tara Reid. You shall now be given ten minutes to roll around on the floor, bashing your fist against it, laughing so hard you cry and asphyxiate yourself.
- Boll actually says in the commentary that the glasses and her hair in a bun make her look really intelligent. R.I.P. the brain cells of those who just read that.
- One critic remarked that this would be like casting Dame Judi Dench as a crack whore.
- Infodump: The film opens with a several minutes-long text crawl describing the backstory, while at the same time lazily narrated by...someone.
- In Name Only: Because describing this thing as Adaptation Decay would have been too nice.
- Narm: Several points, but special note has to go to an attack the main character does, where he uses a Guile-style Flash Kick to dislodge a jewel from of a mook's hand, when he was on the ground, which is virtually impossible.
- Nightmare Retardant: Emphasis on "Retardant".
- Nipple And Dimed: Reid doesn't get nude for the sex scene. Just strips down to a bra. For Pete's sake, Boll; the movie is already gonna be rated R, Tara Reid readily does nude scenes, Tara Reid's physical appearance is the only reason she's in the movie at all in the first place and everyone knows that, and the movie's intended audience are shallow 15 year-old male video gamers; why not give the audience what they want and the movie one redeeming quality by having her show her tits? You sure as hell had no problem with nude scenes in House of the Dead...
- Plot Holes: For starters, the
xenomorphs *xenos are explicitly stated earlier in the movie as being unable to survive in sunlight; yet at the end Edward and Aline are attacked by one outside in broad daylight.
- There's also the obvious fact that apparently, the Abkani were apparently festering and plotting for years in the outside world, the problem is that they were sealed away.
- Rule Of Cool: Tries on so many levels, and fails on several more.
- Sealed Evil In A Can
- So Bad Its Horrible: General consensus says "this movie sucks".
-
Shout Out Plagiarism / Cliche Storm: The movie is basically a wannabe clone of Blade / Underworld / Hellboy / Constantine / VanHelsing / GhostRider, only even more two-dimensional and with every slight margin of coolness summarily extracted. Grumpy, cynical, misanthropic Anti Hero protagonist with Perma Stubble and Badass Longcoat? Check. Lame, uninspired, computer-generated slimy biomechanical H.R. Giger monsters? Check. Protagonist meeting up with ex-flame to be initially seemingly warmly received only for her to then hit him à la Raiders Of The Lost Ark? Check. Ending scene from monsters' point-of-view of it advancing through the air and ambushing the protagonists à la Evil Dead? Check. We could go on and on...
- Small Name Big Ego: Boll compared this movie to The Cabinet Of Dr Caligari and the films of David Lynch. Apparently, comparing House of the Dead to Gone With The Wind and Saving Private Ryan (no, really, he did) wasn't enough for him. You wish, Boll, you wish...
- Soundtrack Dissonance: During the sex scene, a song called "7 Seconds" plays. This would have been fine, had it not been for the fact "7 Seconds" is a song about racism.
- There Was A Door
- They Changed It Now It Sucks: Any fan of the game who says this is 100% justified. It's the truth.
- They Just Didnt Care: According to a Something Awful interview with Blair Erickson, one of the original script-writers, a first draft of the script would have hewed much closer to the video games on which the film was based, but Boll discarded the idea in favor of adding more Action Film tropes.
- To be fair, that means that at least someone wanted to make a true adaptation, but Boll gets in the way, meaning Boll doesn't care, then again, when has he ever?
- Video Game Movies Suck: Arguably the foremost example of all time.
- Wall Banger: The entire movie.
