Fanfic: Triumph Of The Retart
Before The Misery Senshi Neo Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle
Before Return Of The Lawndale Militia
...there was The Triumph of the Retart.Triumph of the Retart
is a Daria
fanfic by Peter Guerin, featuring small crossovers with Beavis And Butthead
and King of the Hill.
It is also the last story in Guerin's Lawndale Militia timeline, which he later abandoned for a series of script-format "Daria OVAs" in another continuity. Triumph Of The Retart
, unlike the other two stories in this series, features no (intentional) supernatural elements or constant anime references, and largely tones down the Mega Crossover
to just shows already created by Mike Judge
in roughly the same canon. However, none of this stops it from being completely insane
The story concerns itself with Daria Morgendorffer's new school year at Lawndale High, where she conveniently learns on her walk to school that Lawndale High severely mistreats its special ed students to the point of segregating them into a rundown wing of the school and leaving them open to rampant, unmonitored bullying. Enter Jane Lane's new neighbor David MacAllister, a boy with curly brown hair who does not in any way resemble the author himself
. David, mere seconds from entering the school, is mercilessly assaulted by the JJJs, Jeffy, Jamie and Joey. Daria rescues him, which immediately leads to David French Kissing her, and love blossoms from this darling sexual assault. After being punished by Ms. Li in the aftermath of the fight and upset with the state of special ed students in the school, David decides to run for Student Government President. Sandi Griffin, er, Del Monaco, immediately declares her candidacy entirely to prevent the betterment of special ed students, and the entire school is swept up in David and Sandi's battle for supremacy.
Naturally, this promptly escalates into Sandi arranging for football thugs to beat the hell out of people, hiring Todd Ianuzzi to be a hit man against David (oh, and did we mention Todd raped Daria as a kid?), Trent enlisting the aid of Rage Against the Machine
to rally to David's cause, Quinn Morgendorffer constantly getting her shirt torn open by her foes, a minister singing show tunes, Daria and David engaging in graphic Author Appeal
sex, and the whole story culminating in David's murder by a completely random suicide bomber. Then, finally, we get a complete reversion to status quo
, and the events of the story are largely forgotten.
Oh, and nobody EVER learns how to spell the word "retard."
The story went over about as well as Guerin's other
stories, and like the others, it received a MST
from the same crew that riffed his other efforts. Though this story was written between the other two Lawndale Militia stories, the MST was released as the last one, leading to some confusion as to the correct chonology. Later Guerin fanfics completely ignored the chain of events, creating further confusion in Guerin's fanfic universe.
Guerin created an edited version of the story to ensure its inclusion in archives that turned down R-rated content, with the only alteration being the removal of the sex scene. The MST included two versions for the same reasons, though only the NSFW version remains online. The Guerin versions can be found at this mirror of the original Mark Zero fanfiction page
(NSFW version) and at Outpost Daria
(edited version). The remaining NSFW version of the MS Ting
can be found at The Stephen Ratliff MSTing site.