— TD, establishing his relationship with Celestia.
No, I Am NOT a Brony, GET ME OUTTA EQUESTRIA!!! is a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfic by BronyWriter.The narrator, TD Harrison Powell, is a 20-year-old student majoring in Elementary Education, who is transported to Equestria after nearly being killed in a car crash. Not being a fan of the show, TD does not take the possibility of being stuck there permanently very well, and when he learns of Princess Celestia's responsibility for bringing him there, his first reaction is to punch her in the face. To say the least, this does not make a good impression on the Mane Six.As a result of the story's popularity (and TD's), BronyWriter has gone on to write additional stories in the series, not all of which are canon.Canon Works:The main series of stories, following TD's trials and adventures after being summoned to Equestria by Celestia.
Twilight Researches Humans — A two-chapter story in which Twilight attempts to study TD by following him around in secret, only for an unamused TD to reveal he was aware of her the entire time.
Wanderings of a Non-Brony — Following on from the events of No, I Am NOT a Brony, TD becomes determined to explore any remaining options to get home and travels the world looking for alternatives. Of course, this being TD, things don't go quite as planned...
The Life of a Non-Brony — After the events of Wanderings of a Non-Brony, TD realizes that he's stuck in Equestria forever. The story details the rest of his life.
Alternative Continuity:Various works that tend to feature more outlandish ideas, all set within the same continuity and diverging after the events of the Gala in No, I Am NOT a Brony.
Other Non-Canon Works:Various other stories and one-shots that don't fit into the above.
Deleted scenes added to No, I Am NOT a Brony — One to two chapter non-canon side-stories, which includes A Fourth Wall Mail Slot, TD's encounter with Poison Joke, a botched magical experiment of Twilight's which causes the Royal Sisters to fall in love with TD, and Lyra kidnapping TD.
Breakout Character: TD for sure. Word of God states that the original plan was just supposed to be some silly short story where TD gets home in the end and still hates the ponies just as much when he leaves. However, after the story rocketed to prominence — something which irritated the author before he grew to like the development — it went on to spawn many additional stories within the setting.
Butt Monkey: TD, sometimes thanks to his own actions and stupidity, but more often than not he's a victim of circumstances beyond his control.
Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: TD comes up with some interesting threats towards Rarity when she immobilises him to take his measurements. Rarity isn't particularly fazed by this.
TD: Fun fact: when I get out of here, I'm going to get a job and spend every cent of my first paycheck on gasoline so I can burn this wretched place down.
TD:Just so you know, when you let me out I'm going to bribe whoever I must to get you name legally changed to Slartibartfast.
TD: When this freezing spell is lifted I'm going to buy as much dye as I can, and then I'm going to dye your coat mustard yellow while you sleep.
Rarity: That's nice.
TD: On a different subject, when I'm free, I'm going to take your cat and punt it so hard I'm going to rip a hole in reality and create the entire Colquitt family, as well as change the Cleveland Browns into a curling team.
More than anypony else, TD. The first chapter shows him getting in what appears to be a vicious verbal fight with his sister but it is revealed to be how they jokingly interact, showing that the trait is a skill he picked up from his family. He later uses these snarky abilities in Equestria, much to the chagrin of those he talks to.
Rarity is particularly snarky towards TD on occasions, to the point where TD thinks to himself that a duel of wits with her would be an interesting thing to see.
After TD breaks his Pinkie Promise to get to work at Sugarcube Corner on time (due to his own fault), she scares the living daylights out of him in her usual fashion, and later, after he's apologised, tricks him into spilling a faux-flammable liquid on himself before throwing a match at him. Even Rainbow Dash sees this is as going too far, and the others are shocked by the story.
Blueblood demands TD gets sent to the moon, or the sun over his trolling at the Gala.
Easily Forgiven: Zig-zagged. While TD accidentally breaking his Pinkie Promise with his lateness isn't that serious, Pinkie treats it as such, only to seemingly quickly forgive him when he apologises. And then she sets him on fire.
Everypony Has Standards: Rarity and Pinkie Pie were the only ones (excluding Fluttershy, who's just hiding behind her mane) who look uncomfortable following TD getting beaten up for punching Celestia. Celestia herself casts a spell that prevented TD from being killed by said beatdown.
Fan Hater: Subverted In-Universe. TD may hate My Little Pony, but he admits that his Brony roommate Ben is a decent guy most of the time.
Fee Fi Faux Pas: When TD confronts Celestia at the Gala, he demands she have a chat with him later on what progress she's made in sending him home, and taps the tip of her horn to drive the point home. Everyone else gasps, Luna is furious, and TD is confused until Rarity whispers the following:
Fortune Teller: The mare who sells TD his Clovellian Staff goes for this vibe, which is Subverted when she reveals she's just trying to get him interested enough to look around her shop.
Friend to All Children: TD genuinely enjoys teaching Cheerilee's class about Earth, gets along extremely well with most of the children, and tells Apple Bloom that she and her classmates are among the few thing keeping him sane.
Handy Man: TD's chosen occupation, when he's not helping with teaching at the school.
Hypocritical Humor: The Cakes lecturing their children on why they shouldn't stare at strangers. Right after they've just done it to TD.
I Call It "Reginald": TD's Clovellian Staff. Twilight insisted on him doing it because of tradition, and the name stuck.
Impossibly Tacky Clothes: TD was reluctant to accept Rarity's offer to make any apparel for him because of her differing tastes in clothes compared to his. In the end, he's right to be cautious: he has to discard five overly pompous or ridiculously proportioned designs before he reaches one that he approves of, which was based off what he was wearing upon arrival. It comes back to haunt Rarity afterwards, even though she meant well by it.
Rarity: You ran away from me!
TD: I sure did, because for all I knew, you were gonna shove me into a get-up too ridiculous for even a costume party! Of course I’d panic!
I Need a Freaking Drink: TD's reaction to being propositioned at the Gala. In fact, pretty much a reaction to almost everything that happens to him at the Gala.
I Shall Taunt You / Large Ham: TD starts doing it when playing a schoolyard game with the kids. They quickly get in on it as well.
Jerk with a Heart of Gold: TD, who does come to care about most of the ponies around him, especially Cheerilee's students, in spite of how much he hates the show and the experience of being trapped in Equestria.
Just Trying to Help: Celestia ends up pulling TD into Equestria when trying to save him from being hit by a car.
Lack of Empathy: Prince Blueblood's reaction to learning that TD has just had his chance of returning to Earth ripped away from him is to continue complaining about him making such a scene. This gets him a well-deserved Pie in the Face.
Lethal Chef: TD's cooking skills would make Sweetie Belle proud, and his attempts to make cupcakes with Pinkie Pie fail disastrously.
TD: That bad, huh?
Rarity: (whispering) I now know what my nightmares would taste like.
Man on Fire: Pinkie sets TD on fire as a punishment for breaking a Pinkie Promise, though this is subverted in the extent that the fire isn't actually harmful.
Musical World Hypotheses / That Reminds Me of a Song: Natives of Equestria are easily provoked into song. Even TD doesn't seem completely immune to it, though he immediately lampshades it. He also accidentally ends up invoking it once when singing Singin' in the Rain to pass the time.
TD So... your creator made it so that anyone born in Equestria randomly bursts into song?
TD also gets pulled into a reprise of "At The Gala", and in a bonus chapter his anger with Celestia leads to him belting out an epic lyrically-altered version of "Hellfire".
In the very first chapter, when TD (who almost got hit by a car) hears someone asking to "call Fluttershy":
...What did she just say?!
An then he gets another one when he realizes where he is:
Oh no, oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. That can't be the explanation, there has to be some other reason for this! Maybe I'm hallucinating… or maybe I'm dead! Heck, maybe I ate too many blueberry bagels for dinner last night and now I'm paying the price, but the explanation has to be SOMETHING other than what my brain is telling me is the true answer! What are the freaking odds that what I'm guessing as actually right?! This kind of thing only happens in fan fiction or something like that!
Rarity is rather horrified when she finds out TD broke a Pinkie Promise.
Percussive Therapy: TD takes his frustrations about being permanently stuck in Equestria out on his house, which unfortunately terrorizes a watching Apple Bloom in the process.
Physical God: The Royal Sisters seem to be on the same power level as their Conversion Bureau counterparts. They're even referred to as such by pretty much everyone in their world.
TD: I had loving parents, cool friends, a pleasant life, and things I was looking forward to! I was going to go down to see my parents for the first time in a month this upcoming weekend! Now I can't do that because of your irresponsible Princess, who has me sitting in a room full of ridiculous talking ponies that have just finished beating the bagels out of me! Does that answer your question, Sparkle?
The Reveal: An in-universe example when TD reveals to the classroom he's teaching (along with an observing Twilight) that their world is a cartoon show. They take it surprisingly well, to TD's amazement.
Sarcasm Failure: When measuring TD, Rarity either completely misses several of his sarcastic comments, or has taken to ignoring them. TD isn't sure either way.
Self-Insert Fic: The author has admitted that TD is a self-insert. However this is slightly subverted because TD is most certainly not a Brony and doesn't care for Equestria at all. He's not heroic, strong, smart, or powerful in any way. It's closer to a Write Who You Know.
Spit Take: Cloud Kicker sexually propositions TD at the Gala. TD nearly drowns...
Talk to the Fist: TD does it to Celestia twice, the first time when she reveals she accidentally trapped him in Equestria, and again at the Gala after having his hopes of going home dashed, and subsequently being worked up into a rage by Blueblood.
Tantrum Throwing: In the chapter Citizen Powell, TD takes out his anger and frustration on his house, only stopping upon remembering that Apple Bloom is watching.
Time Skip: The final chapter chronologically takes place about four months after the events of the Gala.
Tomato in the Mirror: Averted. When TD reveals that Equestria is little more than a cartoon world in his universe, he's extremely surprised when the kids react very well, and don't end up worrying about whether they really exist.
Trapped in TV Land: With emphasis on "trapped". The central premise is that TD, unlike the majority of the protagonists of the "Brony-in-Equestria" genre, wants absolutely nothing to do with Equestria, and makes coming back to Earth his top priority.
TD calls out the Mane Six (sans Fluttershy) for the above Disproportionate Retribution examples, along with Rarity, who used a freezing spell on him to keep him from running out of the boutique before she could measure him and design some Impossibly Tacky Clothes.
Luna tells TD off over the amount of crap he's giving Celestia, who is genuinely remorseful for messing up his life.
Luna: Stop regarding my sister like so much nightsoil. No matter what you think, she is the kindest pony in Equestria, and has done absolutely nothing but stand up for thee so far. She does not deserve this.
Would Hit a Mare: TD. Admittedly, an immortal sun goddess who he had no expectation of injuring.
Cassandra Truth: Spike correctly warns Twilight that not only is she particularly lacking in the stealth department, but that last time she tried to research Pinkie it didn't end well, and that TD will be very annoyed when he finds out what she's been up to. Needless to say, this very sound advice goes unregarded.
Flat "What.": Celestia's one word response letter to Twilight, upon receiving TD's report.
My most faithful student, ...what?
For Science!: Twilight's motivation for studying TD in the first place.
Giver of Lame Names: Twilight's names for the fingers on TD's hands aren't particularly creative, but particular mention has to go to the little finger...
"...and the one at the end shall be The..." Twilight sighed but reasoned to herself that she could always think up better names after more observation. "The End Finger," she finished lamely.
Oh Crap: Twilight realizing that TD is aware of what she's been up to, and again when Spike tells her he mailed a copy of TD's report to the princess.
Twilight: (whispering) Oh dear.
Ready for Lovemaking: Discussed. Luna dismisses the idea of Twilight sounding what TD describes as a "mating call" (the sound of her writing), since this trope would be more efficient.
Luna: We were unaware that Twilight used mating calls at all. Would it not be simpler to simply walk up to the pony of her desire and ask to be mounted and rutted until she couldn't see straight on the spot than to stalk them and scratch parchments with quills? We have never heard such a thing.
Serious Business: Celestia seems to take her cake very seriously, particularly when Luna steals it from her plate.
Celestia slowly turned her head to look up at Luna, a fire in her eyes that few had ever seen before. Her eye twitched as she took a deep breath. "Luna, may I have a talk with you about eating the royal cake that I have waited a month to have? You know that I only have them make a single slice for me so that I don't get greedy and eat more than that."
The most interesting pony for sure was the one who gave what he called 'a modest proposal' to bake newborn foals into cupcakes to solve both the hunger issue and the overpopulation issue. She was pretty sure he was being sarcastic though.
Squee: Twilight's response to Spike giving her 'permission' to stalk TD for research purposes. In other words, Spike realises she's going to do it anyway and simply tells her to be careful. She does it again later on when observing TD singing a song.
Arranged Marriage / Standard Hero Reward: TD ends up in one after saving the life of Emperor Aepnet's daughter, Princess Kathyrine, under the laws of Griffonia. It probably doesn't need to be said that TD does not like this development one bit. Nor does his intended bride-to-be.
(After TD, Soundspeed, and Oswald have been captured trying to free TD and are surrounded)
Huo: ... Fine, two mildwy dangewous beings and a weakling. You can see the disadvantage.
Soundspeed: I'll concede the point. Get another dozen dogs and the fight will be even.
Badass Pacifist: Fluttershy made Sergeant First Class during her mandatory tour of duty in the Cloudsdale Air Force as a Combat Medic, and is still pretty good at wingblade fencing. TD asks her if she's capable of killing him, to which she responds by putting him in a headlock with a wing to his head. If she had been armed with spiked horseshoes and wing-swords he'd have indeed been killed. She is, of course, instantly apologetic.
Better to Die than Be Killed: When deciding to go along with Celestia's plan and accompany her, TD warns them that any attempt to imprison him will result in him using lethal force to escape. It's also implied he has a good reason for this...
Big "WHAT?!": TD's response to Soundspeed's backstory. Specifically how he got the Diamond Dogs to leave him alone.
Bittersweet Ending: TD once again cannot pass through a dimensional portal back to Earth, even the one made with the Crystal Heart at the end. Word of God is that he will never return home. However, he can still lead a relatively happy life as he has many friends to look to here in Equestria.
Defiant to the End: When TD thinks he's about to be killed by a group of minotaurs he runs into, he puts up a decent fight and is fully prepared to go out kicking and screaming, until another clan intervenes.
Determinator: TD, who absolutely refuses to give up on the idea of going home until he's managed to exhaust all his options.
Exact Words: In a particularly Genre Savvy moment, TD averts this by refusing to relinquish his hold over a guard when Celestia asks him to, until she's answered his question.
TD: No fallout? Celestia: You'll be fine. I promise. TD: That's not what I asked.
Eye Scream: TD hits a dragon threatening him right in the eye using Reginald.
Foregone Conclusion: TD needs to survive his six year adventure to be able to tell the story to the princess and the Mane 6.
Genre Savvy: TD has become much more so after his adventures, almost to the point of paranoia. He does start off pretty well however, when he predicts the Mane 6 would think he's headed to the Crystal Empire first, and immediately heads in the opposite direction to Zebrica.
Gladiator Games: Duels are heavily regulated by the city of Schunie, and used to make them a lot of money taxing the betting industry, by effectively turning them into this. Death matches are especially big events due to their rarity, to the point where it has a huge impact on the entire city's economy and the participants are treated as celebrities.
The Glomp: Pinkie glomps TD when they meet him in Chapter One, and starts tearing up in surprise that he remembers her.
Hidden Badass: Soundspeed mentions that all Cloudsdale pegasi are required to join the military at eighteen, prompting confusion from TD, who has never heard Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash mention that they were in the military. Not only they were, but Fluttershy was such a skilled medic that she reached the rank of Sergeant First Class in a mere three years. The army begged her to stay once her service was up. Subverted with Rainbow Dash, who says that, while she was trained to kill, she intentionally forgot all lethal fighting techniques. Played straight with Fluttershy, who showcases a lethal takedown.
Hostage Situation: TD temporarily takes a guard hostage upon arriving at the Crystal Empire, when they're overzealous with threatening him, and demands that the other put his weapon down. It does get resolved fairly amicably when Celestia turns up, and TD escapes punishment due to it being "self defence", much to his hostage's displeasure.
Jerkass Has a Point: While Celestia is only really one from TD's (slightly biased) perspective, he does acknowledge, however begrudgingly, that she's right to say that he dealt with being trapped in Equestria poorly. He does manage to turn the tables on her a little later however, when he points out that while she had a lot longer to come to terms with her isolation, versus the six months TD had taken when he left, which stings her into silence.
Just Trying to Help: TD's pet phoenix Oswald means well and generally has proven helpful to TD, but occasionally his attempts end up getting TD into further trouble, such as when he lures a Diamond Dog into the camp, believing it to be prey.
Kill It with Fire / Man on Fire: Phoenixes can be used to kill in this manner, to the point where Oswald actually gets treated as a weapon at several points. Oswald can also wreath TD in harmless flames, which he uses to scare some dragons by passing himself off as a fire god.
Last of His Kind: TD has been since he arrived in Equestria in the first place, but the loneliness he feels as a result is one of the reasons he set out on his adventures in an attempt to resolve it. Celestia also discusses how it feels with him.
Loyal Animal Companion: In the fourth chapter, TD finds a phoenix egg, which hatches when he's keeping it from harm. The chick believes TD to be his mother and stays with him, eventually prompting TD to name him Oswald Q. Phoenix. Unfortunately, Oswald is — as TD lovingly puts it and Oswald himself agrees wholeheartedly — "the dumbest phoenix in existence". Oswald has been mostly helpful, but he does sometimes get TD into further trouble with his actions.
In fact, Soundspeed's backstory is one too. All we know so far is that he is a former Wonderbolt captain who has been hiding from Celestia in a cave for twelve years because of some unknown thing he did and now he believes that Celestia is after him to the point where he shoots TD with a blowgun when he thinks he is a spy sent to capture him. What's more interesting is that Celestia herself refuses to answer TD's questions of just what he did but is highly amused whenever the subject comes up.
Soundspeed: (when discussing the best way to avoid Diamond Dogs) I killed one of them and ate his remains right in front of them. Haven't seen a single one since. TD: Wait... what? Soundspeed: Why do you think Celestia is so mad at me? Celestia: (in the present, after giggling like a teenage girl) Is that really what he told you? TD: At first that's what he said, yes. Celestia: You can rest assured, TD, the real reason is far more interesting than that.
The "packing tape incident" Twilight mentions, when she laments that Pinkie didn't take advantage of her improbable ability to pick locks with dirt, a skill she apparently learnt from Mrs. Cake.
TD: …that's not what I was going to ask. In fact, that wasn't even close. AJ: (embarrassed) Oh. sorry 'bout that.
Oh My Gods!: Humourously played by Twilight, when expressing her surprise over TD's pet phoenix. Since Celestia happens to be in the same room as Twilight at the time, she simply points to Celestia rather than invoking her name.
Remembered I Could Fly: After getting lost, TD eventually realises he has a pet phoenix who can fly and look for a way out, and berates himself for not thinking of it sooner.
Right Behind Me: In the first chapter, TD takes a guard hostage after they threaten to attack him, demanding to speak to their rulers, only for Celestia and the Mane 6 to reveal they're right behind him.
Switching P.O.V.: Twilight narrates the prologue before the narrative switches back to TD for the rest of the story.
Take a Third Option: After the guards refuse to allow TD to see the royals in charge of the Crystal Empire (Cadance/Shining Armor and Celestia by proxy, though he isn't aware of that at the time), Celestia manages to grant him an audience with the two by claiming his actions were self defence, which automatically requires an investigation and a consultation with Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor.
Take That: AJ's response to TD's (imagined) question can be read as one against some of the various fanon ideas about her and Braeburn.
invokedTastes Like Diabetes: The Mane 6 and CMC find TD's interactions with Oswald to be particularly adorable, which both find embarrassing.
It's not fun showing affection to your pet phoenix if a bunch of girls are going to call it adorable, and judging by Oswald's expression, he seems to agree with me on that point.
invokedTear Jerker: Deliberately invoked by TD, when he tells the story of Titanic to Oswald so he can stock up on phoenix tears, upon discovering their healing powers.
Time Skip: The story is set six years after the original.
Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: When Celestia decides to try and reform Discord, TD and Cheerilee immediately decide to leave in favour of going to the bar.
Spit Take: Celestia notes that Luna is the few people to get her to do this.
Switching P.O.V.: TD narrates most of the story, but Celestia and Oswald have managed to get chapters of their own.
Talk to the Fist: Cheerilee's first response upon seeing TD is to dismiss her class and punch him in the face, in retaliation for walking out on the foals without saying goodbye at the start of Wanderings.
Body Horror: Discord does this to several ponies — including the Mane 6 — by removing their wings, horns, and/or cutie marks, and turns Sweetie Belle into a changeling (without shapeshifting abilities).
Dangerously Genre Savvy: Discord, who learns about his defeat by reading TD's memories of the show and takes appropriate steps to avoid it from happening again.
Downer Ending / Pyrrhic Victory: Discord gets imprisoned again when blasted by the Elements of Harmony, but as he was possessing TD at the time, TD is imprisoned along with him and heavily implied to have his mind destroyed in the process.
Face Death with Dignity: TD, when facing his likely 'death' from the Elements decided he at least wants to stand and "face it like a man" by watching from his mental prison. This is subverted a little later when he realizes he doesn't want to die and shows a more realistic response.
Fate Worse than Death: Discord's modus operanti. He never kills, simply for the fact that this reduces the amount of chaos and misery he can inflict.
A God I Am: Discord refers to himself as such several times.
Groin Attack: When Discord threatens the CMC, TD's first reaction is to punch him in the groin. It doesn't do him much good.
Human Shield: Discord possesses TD to use him as one, though he initially goes around pretending to be TD before dropping the guise when it suits him.
Ineffectual Death Threat: Discord laughs off the threats made to him, particularly those made by TD. Unfortunately, he's perfectly justified in doing so.
Mama Bear: Derpy Hooves tackles TD/Discord when he threatens Dinky. Derpy proceeds to beat TD to a pulp until Discord reveals that he left TD's body when the attack began, meaning that Derpy nearly killed TD when she attacked.
Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: TD unwittingly frees Discord after the chaos he causes at the Gala, and by letting himself be provoked into attacking Discord's statue.
No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: TD/Discord receives one at the hands of Derpy, after threatening her daughter. Unfortunately, it's not Discord who takes it.
Not Afraid to Die: Played with. TD acts like this after finally being broken by Discord, to the point where he's almost completely unbothered by his likely impending (mental) death at the hands of the Elements. However, this is subverted at the last minute when he's just about to be hit, where he reacts with as much fear as you'd expect.
Sequel Hook: Celestia vows to free TD from his stone prison and that they won't fail him again. On the other hand, Discord — who correctly predicts that the Elements would not separate him and TD — suggests that TD is incapable of withstanding their power and would have his mind torn apart, leaving nothing for anyone to save... and if it doesn't, Discord himself will do it.
Spotting the Thread: Applejack realizes 'TD' isn't who he appears to be when she observes him eating hay bread, something the real TD is extremely allergic to.
Taken for Granite: Discord, obviously. TD suffers the same fate at the end of the story.
Taking You with Me: Despite being well aware of his imminent defeat, Discord refuses to relinquish his hold over TD, ensuring that both are petrified.
Transformation Of The Possessed: TD takes on Discord's eye coloration and voice whenever he's possessed, though Discord is also capable of using TD's normal eyes and voice if the mood or need arises.
Voluntary Shapeshifting: Averted with Sweetie Belle. When Discord turns her into a changeling, he deliberately removes her shapeshifting powers, pointing out this would defeat the entire purpose if she could immediately take on a normal appearance again.
We Can Rule Together: An interesting variation. Discord suggests to TD that their impending imprisonment is a good opportunity for him to gain an ally for next time. When TD rejects this, Discord then points out that given the stresses this would put on his mind, he probably wouldn't have any choice in the matter.
Wounded Gazelle Gambit: Discord uses this to lure Celestia into a trap by pretending to have left TD's body, leaving him heavily wounded by her spell.
TD's Little Rarity
Badass Boast: Celestia, when speaking to the agents threatening Rarity.
Celestia: Do know that if we wanted to, Luna or myself could wipe you from existence without a thought. If it were not for our wish to harm none of you, you would all be long dead.
Berserk Button: Twilight is furious when TD attempts to speed up her attempt to pick the lock on his door by whipping her with a towel, causing her to blast the door open in surprise.
Boom, Headshot: TD shoots Celestia in the face with his pistol upon learning that she messed up his life again by sending Rarity to him. Though it should be noted that he only does this as a way of venting his frustrations because he knows it won't harm her.
TD: (about an hour later) ... Wait, did she call me father?
Everyone Else: *complete silence*
Double Entendre: When TD gives the FBI an entirely accurate story about how he got his Clovevellian Staff, a magic wooden staff that records important memories for him.
TD: I walked into that special store in Canterlot because the unicorn mare beckoned me in. It was off the beaten path and I'm not sure that a lot of ponies go there so it must have been a pretty sketchy place. Once I was in she got my staff out but it was too small to use so she used her unicorn magic and my staff started growing until it was big enough.
Dr. Lundgren: So unicorns know growing magic?
TD: Like I said, this mare made my staff grow. Then she used some more unicorn magic to make it really hard, hard enough that it would be nearly impossible to break.
Dr. Lundgren: I've heard that it records memories.
TD: Yep I've had some fond memories with that. It doesn't really do anything when you guys are handling it but the mare seemed to know what it was and what to do with it.
Agent Tanner: You've seen one too many movies, Mr. Powell.
Narnia Time: The time difference between Equestria and Earth initially worked like this, before it was Retconned into being in parallel.
No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: The rest of the Mane 6 give one to the agents holding Rarity hostage, after they threaten to shoot her, and attempt to kill TD (albeit in self-defense after he fires upon them).
Tempting Fate: Narrowly averted by TD when he's about to reflect on how Rarity's arrival can't be worse than when he babysat for the Cake twins, only for him to almost tempt fate again a second later.
This Cannot Be!: TD's quite understandable reaction to finding Rarity in his bedroom, having finally believed the events of Equestria to be behind him.
Time Skip: The main story starts a year after TD is returned to Earth, and after the FBI take him into custody, six months are skipped over while he and Rarity are imprisoned without charge.
Too Dumb to Live: The agents who threaten TD and Rarity, while the princesses are there backing them up. Particular mention goes to Agent Tanner who still tries to capture TD even after almost all the other agents have been incapacitated.
TD: Huh, so not only is she a jerk but she's an incredibly dense one too. Go figure.
What the Hell, Hero?: When TD learns that Celestia accidentally caused Rarity to be sent through a portal and then aimed it at him, knowing that he would protect her. This caused him and Rarity to be imprisoned by the FBI, who then faked his death so they could keep him permanently, for six months. He reacts by (fruitlessly, as expected by him) shooting her in the face with his stolen gun.
Celestia: TD I know that this must be hard for you, but that was completely unjustified! I am sorry, I am truly sorry, that I'm putting you through this for a second time but I must ask for a better attitude from you about this.
TD: Denied. You know, I forgave you for the first time because you did right by me in the end by sending me home, but there is no way, I repeat, no way that you can do right by me this time. You have irreparably screwed up my life.
Wouldn't Hurt a Child: The scientists find the actions of the agents threatening Rarity to be completely unacceptable. Dr. Allred in particular, who takes it upon himself to try to shield Rarity from the crossfire between TD and the agents.
You Are Not Alone: TD's sister is very supportive of him, and offers to help him care for Rarity in any way she can.
TD the Alicorn Princess
Afterlife Antechamber: TD mistakenly thinks he's been sent to one after being blasted by the Elements and waking up in a strange place, and wonders if Celestia has shown up to escort him to the afterlife. However, while he isn't dead, it turns out that she can actually escort him there from their current location if TD wishes, which he rather quickly declines.
Animorphism: TD's transformation into an alicorn by the Elements of Harmony.
TD: I'm an immortal alicorn goddess who has wings to go with his superior horn. I have more power than you could ever dream of, and I can use it to make your life miserable in ways that your aunt can't block because she doesn't know how to block them.
After being transformed into a female alicorn, TD finally snaps when Celestia refers to him as a she.
Celestia also gets hers pushed after TD inadvertently interferes with Twilight's destiny, and gives in to her anger when TD punches her in the face yet again.
If TD learns you've hurt a foal, there will be no mercy for you.
Black Comedy / Gallows Humor: After believing himself to have been killed by the Elements, TD finds it amusing to think of how the Mane 6 would react when they realise what's happened.
"I know this makes me a bad person, but I'd love to see the looks on their faces when they realize what they did."
Blatant Lies: Celestia's claim in a press conference that TD managed to return home, and that the rumours of him transforming into Princess Antares are completely false.
Cassandra Truth: Inverted. TD suggests Celestia lies to quell any rumours of his transformation, since it's hardly like anyone would challenge her over it.
TD: What, are they going to not believe you if you tell them that the human that they saw at the Grand Galloping Gala for a few hours didn't ascend? I mean, if you tell them that I was pulling a prank on Blueblood and that what I told Vichy was true then are they going to think you're lying?
Cat Fight: TD's fight with Celestia shows several elements of this. Including attracting unwelcome attention from male members of the audience.
Call Back: To No, I Am NOT a Brony after TD finally manages to injure Celestia.
TD: I seem to recall a certain princess who told me that she would hand over rule of Equestria to me if I ever managed to hurt her even slightly. I just did that several times over the course of a few minutes. I'll take the deed to Equestria now.
The Chessmaster: Aepnet turns out to have been behind the Equestria-Griffonia crisis all along, for his own ends.
Deity of Human Origin: While it's not clear on Celestia and Luna's origins, TD certainly fits the bill after his ascension.
Did You Just Have Sex?: Celestia's good mood and spring in her step the morning after instantly gives the game away to Luna.
Luna: Tia can hide nothing from Us after these many thousands of years...
Disproportionate Retribution: TD threatens to raze Ponyville if anyone bows to him. Given how angry and frustrated he is at the time, he probably would end up doing it too... at least if he could use his newfound magic.
Disappointed In You: Twilight is particularly disappointed in Celestia and TD's "animalistic" behaviour. Celestia is also shown to be disappointed in herself shortly thereafter.
Dramatic Irony: The reader learns the truth behind the Griffonia incident, but the main cast are unaware thus far.
Escalating War: Blueblood and TD pull one of these on one another. Blueblood, at least, gets TD by filling his room top to bottom with popcorn, to which TD retaliates by getting a ton of candy-coated hyperactive foals to play with him. A detente is quickly called after that.
Eternal Love: Both TD and Celestia seem to be heading in this direction, with TD explicitly pointing out to Luna that, unlike with a regular pony, the lack of ageing means one doesn't have to lose the other to the sands of time.
Failed a Spot Check: When waking up after consummating his newfound relationship with Celestia, TD somehow fails to pick up on the additional alicorn lying in his bed until after his shower. Only then does he finally wonder what happened, before the memories come rushing back.
For Want of a Nail: TD ascends instead of Twilight, after he takes her place when she gets knocked out by a piece of debris during one of Rarity's out of control storms.
Hot-Blooded: Alicorns are this by nature, and experience heightened emotions compared to their pony kin. TD discovers this firsthand when he almost kills a foal abuser in a rage, and Celestia explains that this is the reason for her guarded nature.
How Do I Shot Web?: TD has no idea how to fly or use magic, so his attempts to use either when attacking Celestia fail spectacularly.
The Immodest Orgasm: Due to forgetting to use soundproofing spells, TD and Celestia's relationship remains a secret for about a nanosecond.
Improbable Weapon User: TD manages to weaponize sarcasm through the use of his guards. Princess of Snark and Sarcasm indeed.
Insistent Terminology: Regardless of his current form, TD would very much like you to know that he is still a he.
Interplay of Sex and Violence: While seemingly not intentional on his part, apparently TD's old habits die hard in the throes of passion. Not that Celestia seems to mind, this time.
Interspecies Romance: TD ends up in one with Celestia after becoming best friends and bonding over the predicament of being a princess. Though given that TD is still stuck as an alicorn, it's only sort of interspecies.
It's All My Fault: While well aware that he had no way of knowing, TD still feels extremely guilty over messing up Twilight's destiny and taking her place.
Jaw Drop: Celestia's jaw almost hits the floor when she discovers TD instead of Twilight. Cadance, Shining Armor, and Luna react in a similar manner later on.
It was like I had some sadist writing out my life; making the worst possible stuff happen to me whenever I got even a little comfortable with how things were going. It would actually explain quite a bit.
Modest Royalty: Fitting in with the general trend of Equestrian royalty, TD doesn't opt for much extravagance in his position. While parts of his palace have the decorum associated with the role, his personal quarters are extremely modest.
My God, What Have I Done?: Rarity is very remorseful and upset over accidentally injuring Twilight, when one of her storms spirals out of control.
My Sister Is Off Limits: Luna is furious upon finding out about Celestia and TD's relationship, and barely manages to contain her anger while confronting him over it.
TD responding to Celestia's comment on the Elements having a reason for ascending him:
"Yeah, I got to become the Princess of Snark and Sarcasm," I snarked sarcastically.
And later on at a press conference...
Reporter: But what does that entail; being the princess of snark and sarcasm?
TD/"Princess Antares": (snarkily) It means I'm going to give an honest, yet sarcastic, answer to every dumb question.
Noodle Implements: Blueblood's lawyer tries to break into TD's room, armed "a rope, two bottles of shaving cream, a few peaches, and a quill". It's probably best that no one else has any idea of what the plan involved.
No Sell: Averted. After his transformation, TD is now capable of actually harming Celestia, even if the damage he causes is only limited to superficial bruising.
Not So Different: Celestia and TD bond over this after his ascension and the difficulties he faces, to the point of becoming best friends, and later lovers.
Odd Friendship: TD and Celestia's friendship. While by itself it would be easy to imagine them bonding under the circumstances, the shared history and numerous punches to the face between them all serve to make it quite strange. TD even lampshades this.
TD: You tore me from all I knew and loved and I punched you in the face. Yet here I am more than three years later, a goddess princess of ponykind, and we're enjoying a glass of wine and each other's company.
Physical God: TD becomes one as part of his transformation, instead of 'merely' becoming an alicorn as Celestia speculated would have happened to Twilight.
TD considers inverting the trope by using the spell to restore his gender back to normal, but the need to recast the spell every few hours, as well as other... physiological effects... render this impractical.
Rousing Speech: TD's public introduction as "Princess Antares", where he promises to have no tolerance for any shallow and petty behaviour in his court, improve the school system, champion the causes of foals, and ensure that "pastries of all forms are respected".
Running Gag: TD continues his trend of hitting Celestia in the face when pushed to the breaking point, only for Celestia to turn it around on him for once.
Celestia: TD, you have done that three times now. I must ask you why you never expected retaliation.
TD: Luna snapped my spine and Twilight crashed me through five walls. If that isn't retaliation, I don't know what is.
Celestia: I meant from me.
With that ominous statement, she drew her hoof back and punched me in the face.
Quit Your Whining: Cadance to TD when she tells him to adapt and make something of the opportunity he's been given, no matter how unfortunate the circumstances are.
TD's meeting with the Griffon dukes contains a subtle reference to the Constitutional Peasants scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. After TD explains the circumstances behind his ascension, Zangara retorts that, "Supreme executive power derives from a legitimate claim such as royal blood or having the crown taken or given to you, not some farcical light show by some pretty gems that give you a few feathers!"
Tragically subverted when Celestia, Cadance, Shining Armor, and Luna discover TD has ascended instead of Twilight.
After several years and having grown into an effective leader, Celestia admits to TD how proud she is of how he's handled the responsibilities and trials of being a princess.
Stop Worshipping Me: While he doesn't demand others stop worshipping him after finding out that (like the other princesses) there's a religion based around him, TD is extremely uncomfortable over it. After somesoul-searching, he eventually decides to go along with it, to try and use it as a force for good.
Tomato in the Mirror: TD has a breakdown, when a comment over destiny ends up causing him to wonder if it was always his fate to become Princess Antares, and it's his 'true' self, rather than his existence as TD.
What Did I Do Last Night?: Played with. Despite specifically pointing out that alicorns having a high tolerance for alcohol means this can't be used as an excuse, TD still ends up wondering this after finding Celestia in his bed, though the memories quickly return.
Yes-Man: The nobles immediately start trying to ingratiate themselves with "Princess Antares" when TD mingles with them at a social function to ease himself into being a princess. Blueblood starts hitting on him, only to be horrified when TD reveals his real identity.
Celestia: Do know this: you are not alone. You never have been and you never will be.
The Incredibly Interesting Date with the Non-Winning Human
Bedmate Reveal / What Did I Do Last Night?: TD and Cloud Kicker end up getting married (along with half of Ponyville) after consuming apples contaminated with love poison due to Apple Bloom's improper disposal of it. However, they didn't consummate said marriage, much to TD's relief.
Despair Event Horizon: TD crosses it when he believes that his friendship with Cloud Kicker — which has developed into a genuine and strong friendship by this point, and become one of the few things he has left in the world — has been ruined forever by their marriage.
Innocent Innuendo: After a platonic date, TD and Cloud Kicker go back to his place after a drink. An hour and half later, they're lying on his bed, "completely shocked at what had just taken place". They were watching Die Hard on his laptop when the battery goes flat in the middle of a dramatic action sequence.
My God, What Have I Done?: The CMC and Apple Bloom in particular are devastated when they discover what trouble they've caused, though TD does manage to cheer them up slightly when he tells them he doesn't blame them.
Running Gag: Subverted. TD winds up about to hit Celestia again when he runs into her at Twilight's library, only to stop himself at the last second when he sees how upset she is. It probably also helps that Celestia didn't have anything to do with the incident, but did happen to be a useful target to vent his rage on.
Switching P.O.V.: The first part of the story takes place from Cloud Kicker's point of view, switching back to TD's for Chapter Four.
Other Non-Canon Stories
And I Must Scream: TD's reaction to Celestia and Luna flirting with him under the influence of Twilight's botched magical experiment, to the point where he even steps out the room to scream his head off for a minute. In fact, pretty much everything that happens thereafter until it wears off is one for him.
Animorphism: TD gets turned into a pegasus by Poison Joke. And because that wouldn't be funny enough, it's a mare.
In Don't Go Into the Everfree Forest, TD, he starts to undergo a nightmare-tastic change into an earth pony.
Berserk Button: Twilight is furious when TD (and later Celestia) troll the D.O.R.K.S. It's all rather amusing.
Body Horror: In Don't Go Into the Everfree Forest, TD, he steps in a puddle. When he gets home, he notices his leg's itchy.
"I looked down at my leg. The skin was peeling. Not like 'few-day-old sunburn'. More like 'You can see your muscles.'"
Sounds like he contracted necrotizing fasciitis, doesn't it? As it turns out, as more of his flesh sloughs off, the more ponified he becomes. Twilight has a freak out when she sees him in-between, fingers and toes fusing into hooves, one eye massively bigger than the other, rotting skin dripping off new fur. At one point, convinced he's always been a pony, he peels what's left of his human scalp off.
Shout-Out: TD's lectures to the DORKS on the history of the Human race are entirely composed of references to everything from Star Wars to Kickassia.
TD considers asking for a rock hammer and a movie poster, but decides it would take too long to tunnel out that way when captured by the amorous Goddess Sisters.
Skewed Priorities: In a non-canon chapter of TD the Alicorn Princess that follows the plot of Power Ponies, TD seems more concerned with the Mane 6 going after the author for copyright infringment due to the character designs, rather than trying to find a way to escape.
Throw the Dog a Bone: At the end of the first Q&A chapter, BronyWriter agrees to let TD have his date with his crush Danae before sending him back to Equestria for future chapters.
Troll: TD decides to troll the D.O.R.K.S when they refuse to ask helpful questions. Celestia gets in on it in the sequel, in a ridiculous sequence where she pretends to fight with TD before killing him in anger, and delivering a rather silly eulogy that TD is not impressed with.