If Bella Were Sane
is a hilarious parody fanfiction of Twilight
, written by a Deadpan Snarker
. Read it here
What if Bella were, well, sane?
What if she had an ounce of rationality in her body? What if she kept a diary? This is what would happen. And yes, it is So Cool It's Awesome
. After a couple of years of being a Dead Fic
, the author has put up coverage of Eclipse (not really) and Breaking Dawn...
Tropes found in this fic include...
- And Now You Must Marry Me: The plot of chapter four, wherein Edward drugs Bella, drives her to Vegas, and gets them hitched while she’s too out of it to fight back.
- Betty and Veronica: Jacob is Betty, Edward is Veronica, and Bella is Archie. However, she isn't even remotely interested in Edward.
- Bishie Sparkle: Edward, but Bella takes it as a sign that he's gay. Much to her dismay, she's wrong.
- Cloud Cuckoolander: Bella’s rather loony “Aunt Stephenie”.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Bella's reaction to her car breaking down just when she's trying to get away from Edward.
"Oh, fucking fuck. Just fan-fucking-tastic."
- Dead Fic: Finally, finally, finally subverted.
- Deadpan Snarker: Bella becomes one.
He [Edward] also says that we shouldn't be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I'll help you with that venture by staying the hell away from you as much as possible.
- Distressed Damsel: Bella in the second chapter. Justified as she'd been dragged to Italy against her will and really had no control over the situation or any way to get home.
- Fur Against Fang: Averted; though Edward claims to be a vampire and Jacob claims to be a werewolf, no mention is ever made of the antagonism between them that was so prevalent in Twilight.
- Goshdarn It To Heck: Averted—Bella never once says, "Holy crow."
- Hopeless Suitor: Edward to Bella. Bella finds him creepy as all hell, but he's convinced that she loves him.
- I Reject Your Reality: Edward doesn’t seem to listen when Bella says she doesn’t love him back.
Bella: (after Edward "sparkles" for her) But I don't love you! I don't even like you! In fact, after all this, I hate you! Are you deaf or something?
Edward: "I know, my dearest snowflake, but I am too dangerous for our love to flourish!"
- Kaleidoscope Eyes: Edward. In Bella's words:
The hell? Does he have colored contacts? How many pairs do you need?
- Kissing Cousins: Bella suspects that the Cullens are this, due to the fact that they all look alike. Brother-Sister Incest can also apply.
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall: Bella’s bizarre Aunt Stephenie.
- Love Triangle: Once again, the classic Bella/Edward/Jacob, but in this case, Edward's not really even in the equation at all.
- Not so Above It All: Bella absolutely freaks out when she discovers she may have married Edward.
- Only Sane Man: Bella.
- Papa Wolf: Charlie Swan in the end of chapter one. Bella relates the story of how he pulled a shotgun on Edward (not like that) and got him arrested for his creepy behavior. This gets dialed down in later chapters, though, to Bella’s frustration.
- Sanity Slippage: Bella in chapter four, dating her journal entries as "Day Who Gives a Shit" and "Day Fuck Everything." This only gets worse when she finds out that she may have married Edward. After the marriage is annulled, she calms down.
- Spot of Tea: This is how Bella recovers from her trauma at the end of the fic.
- Stalking Is Love: Averted—Bella finds it creepy.
- Stalker with a Crush: Edward, of course.
- Take That: Bella happens to have a very Mormon and very loopy aunt named Stephenie who finds Edward forcefully marrying Bella "romantic.”
- Water Source Tampering: In chapter four, Bella speculates that “the water in Oregon is just spiked with crazysauce” as an explanation for everyone’s deranged behavior.
- Yandere: Edward, towards Bella.