Fan Fic / The Somewhat Cracked Mind of Uchiha Itachi
"Itachi didn't kill the clan, instead he and his friends are teaching the next generation to drive them (and maybe the rest of Konoha) crazy. Won't that be fun?"
Itachi chooses a different path and arranges for several academy children to receive extra training via "ninja summer camp" leading to some interesting For Want of a Nail effects. Can be found here.
Accidental Truth: Chapter 9 has Mizuki do this totally by accident when trying to distract Kabuto, where he blabs about the Uchiha's current status in the village, their and others' problems with Danzou, and something surprisingly similar to the original coup plan (shocking the older Uchiha nearby). He actually doesn't know that much about any of the three due to his low security clearance as a chunin, thus making it this trope to himself, too. When Sasuke and Naruto find out way later how close to right he was about the coup, they're both shocked.
Action Girl: Most female ninja in Konoha. Often happily commented on by Kisame, who thinks it's awesome.
Almighty Janitor: Iruka is strong enough to qualify for jonin rank, but refuses to try for it since jonin are required to go on more missions and his dream job was to teach at the Academy. He gets promoted anyway after defeating Danzo and returning Shisui's eye alongside Mizuki. Sarutobi then offers to let him stay at the Academy in exchange for playing therapist for the liberated ROOT kids.
Animal Companion: Sakura tames a park squirrel she names Cappy (Sasuke resuced it from choking on a plastic cap with surgery) and Naruto comes up with seals to let her summon him. He's very useful and even helps her beat Hinata in the finals since his limbs are too tiny to easily disable.
How Gaara sees the Fourth Kazekage. The warning that he gives to the Konoha ninja makes this very explicit.
Attention: Suna and Oto are about to invade you. My siblings and I side with the Leaf. Please show Baki-sensei leniency if possible. Go to hell, Dad.
His siblings feels the same and barely acknowledge him as their father. Kankuro even admits that while he's willing to work with Rasa to protect the village, he will never forgive him for what he did to Gaara.
Arranged Marriage: Tsume arranges one between Sakura and Kiba when she sees Sakura's taijutsu skills. They just sort of go with it, since they can decide to dissolve it once they're both fifteen or chunin, whichever is first.
Orochimaru after being forced to return to Konoha. He is the recipient of much abuse from every single ninja jonin rank and above, particularly Tsunade.
While the abuse he receives is much less comical but no less deserved, Rasa, the Fourth Kazekage. He loses his position as Kazekage and is often the victim of verbal abuse from the people around him for the monumentally stupid decision he made to invade Konoha alongside Oto. Not only that, all three of his children hate him. Temari barely acknowledges his existence, Kankuro disrespects him to an immense degree, and Gaara can't even stand to be in the same room as him.
Cargo Ship: Mizuki and Giant Shuriken and Kisame and Samehada are both joked about in-universe. Neither man is amused.
Cat Fight: In chapter six, between the four main girls of the Konoha 12 plus one against nearly every other girl in the academy.
And thus the Future Kunoichi of Konoha Showdown became the Legendary Academy Girls Catfight of Doom.
Cats Are Mean: There is an entire chapter dedicated to Team 7's Tora-catching efforts. Since they finished infinitely sooner than most teams, they end up getting stuck being the primary recipients of the mission. They eventually dub him more horrible than the Kyuubi could ever hope to be.
The Chessmaster: Shikamaru and Mikoto both in the same chapter, with him knowing she's using him but not really caring since he likes her plan too. Mikoto later helps Itachi out after all three of his students make the finals.
Itachi, as noted by the title, is a bit off. During the invasion the kids wonder if he's finally fully cracked after he starts laughing when he sees a bunch of genin kill two members of Akatsuki. He's okay, though.
Most of Konoha is filled with crazy people. The Sand Siblings are left off-kilter when they realize they're relatively sane compared to most Konoha shinobi, when the opposite is the norm when they're in Suna.
Deidara, especially in regards to explosions. Any thoughts of defecting from Iwa die when he sees Onoki's Dust Release blows things up in spectacular manners. It's bad enough that Shisui, who's Itachi's best friend and not entirely sane himself, asks the Tsuchikage how he's managed to put up with him for so long.
Combat Medic: Sasuke. He's actually better at using medical techniques to harm than he intends to be.
Cool and Unusual Punishment: Itachi's been raising cain and causing well-intentioned havoc thanks to his summer camp, leaving several teams of very-tough graduates. His punishment? He's now the sensei of Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura.
Cool Sword: Samehada, natch. Kubikiribocho as well, which is now in Tenten's possession. Kusanagi.
Since Lee gets Samehada and Tenten has Kubikiribocho, Kisame petitioned the Hokage to either allow him to go hunt down an ex-swordsman from Mist to get their sword for Neji, or to let Neji have Kusanagi and round out the team. Whichever he can get away with.
Curb-Stomp Battle: Kisame vs. Zabuza in Wave, where it's even lampshaded that he already knows all of Zabuza's best moves and how to handle them. Zabuza then tries to make it about the genin, to which Kisame notes that through watching him over the summers they've pretty much learned to handle Zabuza's more likely techniques like the Water Prison. It makes Haku's fake hunter-ninja stint even more of a save than in canon.
Cutting the Knot: Rather than destroying all his hearts, Shikamaru orders Hinata to attack Kakuzu's brain, since he has only one of those. Sasuke still stabs him in the head a few times just to be sure.
Deadpan Snarker: Quite a few. Itachi has quite a few moments. Actually, everyone seems to have their moment at some point.
Declining Promotion: After Rasa was ousted from power, Suna's council unanimously nominated Elder Chiyo as his replacement. However, according to Gaara who heard it from Baki, when they went to tell her she promptly told them "screw you" which they had to take as a decline.
Demoted to Extra: Kakashi, since he's not Team 7's sensei. At least not until after the Kage summit.
The Kyuubi. Even after Naruto becomes a ninja it's only slightly involved in Wave and only starts chatting during the chunin exams when it senses Shukaku.
Embarrassing Nickname: The Kyuubi is rechristened "K-kun" by Naruto and his teammates as they agree Tora is a far greater monster. This later extends to the whole Konoha 12, leading to Lee then referring to Shukaku with the same affectionate suffix.
Enemy Mine: Iwa and Konoha in order to interrogate Hidan's head by mind-reading. Lampshaded since Deidara thought he was Stating the Simple Solution by asking why they didn't just hire a Yamanaka in the first place.
“…You do know Konoha has been our enemy for generations, right?” one interrogator asked.
Orochimaru proposes one with Itachi when Akatsuki's trying to kill them both. Itachi refuses since Orochimaru wants his brother.
Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Rasa does seem to love his children, and is hurt more than he cares to admit when it's obvious that they despise him in return.
Even Evil Has Standards: Orochimaru agrees with Iruka that Jiraiya's smut is a terrible excuse for literature, and is also horrified when he finds out people think he wants Sasuke's body in a non-platonic way.
Evil Plan: Orochimaru had his canon one of wanting Sasuke's body but he also wanted to force both Sasuke and Itachi to get the Mangekyo so he could get the Eternal Mangekyo to get the Rinnegan to unlock the secrets of ninjutsu itself. The plan has issues when it seems Sasuke is having trouble getting the Sharingan in the first place, and Orochimaru is overjoyed when he finds out the kid finallry did it.
Face Your Fears: Gaara fears his father as much as he hates him. Thus, he has a minor Freak-Out when he has to face his father in order to save Konoha's hospital from being held hostage during the Invasion.
Notably subverted for Sakura and Ino — thanks to the summer camp, both Sakura and Ino came to know Sasuke as a person rather than idealizing him, resulting in neither of the two having romantic feelings for him when they got older and retaining their close friendship, along with befriending Sasuke himself at a relatively young age. Unfortunately for Sasuke, that didn't go for the rest of the girls in his class (barring, of course, Hinata, who only has eyes for Naruto).
The main one is the delay of the Uchiha coup by the Sandaime using Itachi's recruitment of Kisame to hint that he considers Itachi a good successor (despite Itachi personally having no interest). This causes the coup to eventually turn into an inter-clan civil war years later when Naruto is noted as the preferred successor. Apparently, they weren't willing to accept second-best, with an Uchiha teaching a future Hokage rather than an Uchiha being Hokage, as Fugaku lampshades.note Hilariously enough, in canon there is an Uchiha who does want to be Hokage and may have the potential to get there: Sarada Uchiha, Sasuke and Sakura's daughter.
Mizuki is stopped from turning evil, which leads to him reading some files when he was helping Iruka out and deciding to look into an old classmate, leading to them accidentally making said classmate, Kabuto, paranoid in thinking his cover was blown, leading to Naruto finding out about the Kyuubi at age nine while Kabuto flees the leaf.
The presence of the Uchiha clan means Orochimaru was unwilling to kill the Fourth Kazekage since it would deprive the invasion of a powerful force. The Kazekage tries to tip things in their favor by hiring an Akatsuki team, accidentally complicating things for both sides. Which leads to Sasori and Kakuzu dying while Orochimaru is too tired to use Edo Tensei against the Hokage.
A rivalry with Itachi formed over many years of border patrol clashes kept Deidara in Iwa longer, since he and Onoki bonded over how much they dislike Uchiha.
Thanks to Mizuki staying good and eventually adopting Naruto with Iruka, Naruto gains another sibling-figure in the form of Mizuki's crush/girlfriend Tsubaki, a medic-nin. Then, during the Academy, Tsubaki is the demonstrator for the medic-nin profession. Since the Uchiha Clan Massacre never happened and Sasuke isn't obsessed with gaining more power to kill Itachi, he's impressed with Tsubaki's demonstration; so impressed that he ended up becoming Team 7's medic instead of Sakura.
The entire police force during the chunin preliminaries, due to budget cuts. Thanks to knowing about the Konoha kids, they make a killing.
Tsunade, as canon. They even catch up to her in a casino.
Naruto occasionally dabbles in gambling. He's so good at it that they send him into the casino to find Tsunade, because he will always win when he has to.
Eventually, the Konoha 12 and Itachi's friends take advantage of this by holding a jonin exhibition in order to fund raise more money for their therapy practice with the the ROOT kids.
Good Parents: The Konoha 12's parents, all of whom are reasonable and supportive, if a bit over-protective (understandable, considering what the kids get up to). Special mention must go to Fugaku (after getting that stick out of his ass), who, while stern, nonetheless pushes Sasuke to do the best he can with his chosen field (even if he doesn't understand why Sasuke chose to become a medic-nin of all things).
Mizuki — more accurately he's prevented from making a Face–Heel Turn in the first place.
Kisame, due to being recruited by Itachi right when he was considering leaving Kiri.
Deidara stays in Iwa due to first bonding with his teacher Onoki over how much they hate dealing with Uchiha and later when he finds out Onoki's Dust Release blows things up amazingly. This means when Akatsuki tries to recruit him forcibly, Onoki declares war.
The Sand Siblings make one slightly earlier than canon. Very slightly.
Orochimaru of all people. It's still rather vague, but it seems he'd rather stay with Konoha then go back to Oto.
Highly Visible Ninja: It's noted that genin are more concerned with looking non-threatening to the civilians who hire them, thus excusing their slightly more wild senses of style than chunin and jonin.
Kisame admits to being one on purpose: he knows how to use Silent Killing as well as Zabuza if not better, but he finds it boring compared to what he can do with his flashier stuff.
Hypocrite: Sauke's cousin Arashu. After accusing the Rookie Nine of only making the chunin exams due to nepotism due to seven of them being clan heirs or at least from the main family of a clan, he insults Neji (who defended them) for his Branch House status.
I Know You Know I Know: Danzou was not sure if this was going on or not during his conversation with Iruka and Mizuki, and tried very hard not to reveal anything they might not actually know. It didn't help.
Outside of Itachi being forced to teach Team 7, all the teams are exactly the same.
Haku and Zabuza still die during the Wave mission.
Jerkass: The Fourth Kazekage. Instead of in canon, where he was a well-meaning but terrible leader, this guy has barely any redeeming qualities, if any, all of his terrible actions being in the pursuit of more power.
Loophole Abuse: How Itachi managed to pull off the extra training program. Clan kids are allowed to be taught extra things by family members while still in the academy. Nothing says those kids can't bring along a friend or dozen to that training, nor that the family members can't ask their friends for assistance.
Love Triangle: Sakura with Lee and Kiba. Slight one with Tenten, Neji, and Kankuro.
The Matchmaker: Tsume is this for her clan — when she learns that Kakashi has trained several ninja dogs, all of whom are trained enough to speak (and even teach at the Academy), she starts encouraging some of the unattached women in the clan to ask him out. Then there's Arranged Marriage between Kiba and Sakura; it's apparently happened before, judging by Kiba's reactions when he sees the look in her eye.
The Medic: Sasuke is the first Uchiha medic, a fact that often surprises everyone he meets who knows anything about the Uchiha Clan (Tsunade even claims that Madara would lose his shit if he ever met Sasuke). It irritates him a little, but is ultimately something he finds to be proud of.
Mêlée à Trois: Itachi vs. Orochimaru vs. Sasori and Kakuzu during the invasion. Several of the Konoha 12 and Gaara arrive to back up Itachi, though he lasts for a long time on his own.
Mistaken for Pedophile: Orochimaru is horrified when Jiriaya explains what people think he wants to do with Sasuke.
Mundane Made Awesome: Due to living in apartments all his life, Naruto is impressed that Tazuna's family home has two floors all to itself. Tenten then ups the ante by revealing her house actually has three floors.
Mythology Gag: When Sasuke asks Itachi what would happen to Shisui if he revealed to Ino, Sakura and Shino the identity of his girlfriend, he states:
Itachi: “Then, little brother, I may just have to plot against him, and maybe kill him and make it look like suicide if things go too far.”
Kiba: "…That was weirdly specific."
After Mizuki starts what could be a Start of Darkness, Kisame notes that his condition would be referred to in Mist as "The Emo" which leads to "Rage, resentment, crazy plots against your pals, possibly joining up with insane plotters" referencing both Sasuke and Mizuki's canon paths involving Orochimaru and the fandom tendency to call Sasuke emo.
Never Live It Down: In-universe, Sasuke accidentally blowing up an opponent's heart. He was trying to rupture a tendon.
Uchiha Elder Mira and her friend villager Elder Koharu.
Elder Chiyo could have easily been Kazekage if she had wanted to. Key words being: "if she had wanted to". She hates politics — Kankuro mentions that whenever he sees her at council meetings it's usually her telling Rasa to piss off.
Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!: Orochimaru might have had a chance against Itachi if the Fourth Kazekage hadn't hired Akatsuki as invasion backup. Sasori and Kakuzu both want him dead too much to let him be, leading to a Mêlée à Trois.
Also to Orochimaru for not killing him, though he wanted another high-class ninja due to Itachi, Shisui, and the other Uchiha still being around.
Nepotism: The Rookie Nine are accused of this, given seven of them are either clan heirs or at least from the head family, which a cousin of Sasuke's insinuates is the only reason they got to enter the chunin exams so soon. He's proved wrong when along with Team Gai they're the only Konoha genin to make it past the second test.
No Budget: In-Universe example. The Konoha Military Police constantly has its budget cut due to Danzo's attempts to isolate the Uchiha from the village. They get by thanks to a lot of skimming, but eventually they're forced to go on a gambling spree during the Chunin Exams in order to get new equipment.
No Social Skills: Itachi's are rather poor, often leading to him deferring to Iruka in social situations. It's so bad Noriko gives him two years advance notice for their first real date, just to make sure he's had time to think it over. He's good with kids, though.
Not Now, Kiddo: The Sand Siblings have this problem, even when they're effectively the only reason why Konoha didn't demand reparations from Suna and are trusted enough to sit in on council meetings. They get around it by telling Chiyo (one of the only councilors willing to listen to them) their ideas and having her suggest them when the council convenes.
Not-So-Omniscient Council of Bickering: Suna's advisory council can't agree on anything. The only thing they every agreed on in-story was who would replace Rasa as Kazekage (Chiyo), but she refused. They made Baki acting Kazekage instead, but since he lacks the necessary strength to take the position permanently, he doesn't have the clout to get things done. At one point, while watching one of their meetings, Shukaku states that the Konoha 12 (which consists of a bunch of preteens) have more productive meetings.
O.C. Stand-in: Noriko Uchiha for Itachi's canon girlfriend (the not-yet-created-at-time-of-writing Izumi Uchiha). She's his fiance, a chunin, and an archer. Her main role in the story is as a Cool Big Sis to the Konoha 12 and Sasuke and The Rival to Shisui. She and Itachi mostly spend their date money on ninja tools and hide out under a genjutsu until their parents think the date's probably over.
Post-invasion the Sand Siblings have the pastime of doing this during Suna's council meetings. Temari is horrified when Kankuro's comments on it inspire Elder Chiyo to actually eat popcorn during an important meeting.
Perfectly Arranged Marriage: Noriko is entirely capable of handling Itachi's odder tendencies and is willing to do things like give him two years heads' up for he first official date since she knows he has No Social Skills. He seems to simply be happy she's not a brainless fangirl and instead someone he can call a friend and rely on in a fight.
Rage Breaking Point: Played for Laughs. After catching Tora faster than any other genin team in the village, Team 7 is constantly requested to retrieve him whenever he runs away from home. Eventually, Sasuke snaps and sets Tora on fire — while the cat survives, the entire experience prompts Itachi to go get drunk and have his first ever hangover. It also wins Sasuke the title of being Shisui's favorite cousin.
Inoichi might be the head of Torture and Interrogation, but seeing his daughter so enthusiastic to follow in his footsteps obviously disturbs him.
Itachi's personality is the result of him rising the ranks so quickly. Having been deprived of a childhood due to his genius talent, his easy camaraderie with children and obsession with chaos is just him trying to make up for what he lost. He is aware of this to an extent, which is why he forced Sasuke to promise him not to graduate early — as a result, while Sasuke has an odd personality in his own right, he is far saner than Itachi is.
The Rival: Deidara and Itachi keep running into each other on missions, though they don't know each other's exact names (Itachi knows him as "the crazy Iwa nin" and Deidara as "that insufferable Uchiha). When they finally meet outside of combat, it's funny.
The Runaway: After the Invasion, the Sand Siblings refuse to leave Konoha unless their father is ousted from power. They get by thanks to the charity of their friends and the village's willingness to temporarily induct them into their ranks as thanks for their aid.
Gaara found himself being treated better in Konoha than Suna. So in regards to the upcoming invasion, he tells his siblings the following: "I abandoned the plan a week ago, I'm staying here."
The Invasion goes so badly that eventually every able-bodied invader books it once it becomes obvious that they're screwed.
Sentient Weapon: Samehada. She's a girl and likes Lee, meaning he gets her if Kisame dies. She also argues with Kisame a lot.
Serious Business: The gossip that Uchiha Itachi is dating someone was so talked-about in Konoha that spies reported on it and it almost reached the Raikage's desk. Itachi was mortified.
Art, to Deidara. He's horrified to find out that the piece he bought at auction for his sensei was made by an Uchiha. He also foregoes defecting when he learns that his teacher can blow stuff up even better than he can.
Sick Episode: Chapter 7: Sick, Dazed and Just Plain Crazy, where a good chunk of Konoha gets sick with the flu.
Sneeze Cut: It happens to Deidara when Itachi talks about him to the children.
So Proud of You: Fugaku and Mikoto are both proud of their children for their numerous accomplishments: training a future Hokage, becoming the first Uchiha medic, and reuniting the Sannin. That last one however caused them a lot of worry — mainly because A) Itachi labeled a mission to retrieve Orochimaru a B-rank and B) Sasuke's scary willingness to be live bait.
The Sand Siblings's early Heel–Face Turn screws over the entire Invasion plan and most of the damage from the Invasion is mitigated as a result.
Rasa's decision to hire the Akatsuki to participate (one of whom happened to be a missing ninja from his own village no less) is equally disastrous for Oto.
Stations Of The Canon: Through the chunin exams, excluding how Naruto learns Kage Bushin since he doesn't fail. Afterwards Tsunade is only retrieved after Team Seven kidnaps Orochimaru (with no Sasuke retrieval needed) and then it really goes Off the Rails since the author has declined to include a timeskip at all and the Kage Council gets called three years early, by Onoki of all people.
Straight Gay: Shisui. When Noriko starts shooting at Shisui for outing her engagement to Itachi, Sasuke refutes Itachi's theory that Shisui stood her up by pointing out that he knows as well as Sasuke does that Shisui only dates guys.
Averted, and Itachi is determined to try and get Neji to see one; however once Gai is Neji's sensei the therapists assume Gai wants the therapy and all run away. Thankfully, by the end of the Wave mission, Neji has loosened up enough that therapy is no longer necessary.
Iruka and Mizuki are later made into therapists for the liberated ROOT kids and even later Orochimaru though Mizuki doesn't take it all that seriously.
Too Dumb to Live: What everyone, even the people of Suna and especially the Sand Siblings, eventually thought of the Fourth Kazekage's plan to invade Konoha with Orochimaru. It resulted in him getting ousted from power.
Took a Level in Kindness: The Kyuubi. Granted, as the latter parts of the manga showed, he was never really that bad of an entity, but here his relationship with Naruto is much better than it was at this point in canon, to the point that Naruto is giving him therapy for his issues whenever he isn't ranting.
Fugaku, and the Uchiha Clan in general (or at least, most of them). It's a good thing too, as Itachi has admitted several times that patricide was on his mind for a while, at least until his father finally got that stick out of his ass.
Itachi is weaker than he was in canon due to not having the Mangekyo Sharingan. Still a top-class ninja, though.
Itachi himself is a weird case. While he doesn't have the Mangekyo Sharingan, he also doesn't have the mortal, debilitating illness that more-or-less killed him in canon (and was the only reason he lost to Sasuke when they finally had their Final Battle).
Danzou only has Shisui's eye and not a store of extra Shraingan due to the massacre not occurring. His over-reliance on the former allows Mizuki and Iruka to beat him once they figure out a way around it.