Fan Fic / The Conversion Bureau: Cold War
The Conversion Bureau: Cold War
is a canceled My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
fanfic written by An A10 Warthog
. It's one of several responses to the controversial fanfic The Conversion Bureau
On September 7th, 1986
. Equestria arrives on Earth and declares humanity 'evil' and 'unfit'
behind the scenes. About a week and a half later talks between the races begin
. The ruler, Princess Celestia declares that the entire human race shall be ponified or face the consequences. Quickly, the Soviet Union
and the United States must join forces
to save humanity. The rest of Humanity decides to pull together to fight the equine "threat", however a group of traitors
known as the PER (Ponification for Earth's Revival) conduct terrorist operation and stage protest across the US and West Germany. With the threat of assimilation at hand, two superpowers who have been stockpiling weapons for years, now must fight as one to combat the Pony threat and wipe it clean off of Earth. However sometimes, things are not as they seem....
The Conversion Bureau: Cold War contains the following tropes:
- A Nazi by Any Other Name: Xenolestia.
- Advancing Wall of Doom: The barrier. Once Equestria has confirmed itself as a threat, it doesn't last long.
- Alien Abduction: When Equestria popped up on Earth, a Chinese cruise ship with 2,000 passengers were taken and turned into newfoals.
- Aliens Are Bastards: Subverted. Xenolestia comes off as a complete bitch, but by chapter 7: Stalemate, we have Pony resistance against her and even the Elements of Harmony are doubting her. Justified since Xenolestia is really Queen Chrysalis.
- Alien Invasion: Oh no, the Ponies never invaded us... we invaded them.
- The Alliance: The United States and the Soviet Union team up to stop the Ponies.
- Allohistorical Allusion: After the barrier is destroyed, the Soviets and the Americans invade a country ruled by a mad dictator from the east and the west respectively. Wonder when that has been done before?
- All Your Base Are Belong to Us: Queen Chrysalis has been in control of Canterlot castle for about a month and a half before making contact with humanity.
- Alternate History: A xenocidal alien race attempts to invade Earth in the final years of the Cold War.
- America Saves the Day: The US play a huge role in the invasion.
- Armor-Piercing Question: Xenolestia is at a loss for words when Ronald Reagan asks her a simple question at the UN meeting.
Ronald Reagan: "Then why don't you let people decide for themselves? Why do you have to do this against their will?"
- Ass in Ambassador: Xenolestia, when she speaks to Ronald Reagan, Mikhail Gorbachev, and other world leaders at a UN meeting.
- Assimilation Plot: Xenolestia's plan for humanity.
- Awesome Personnel Carrier: From LAV-25s to BTRs, the APCs are in no short supply here.
- Badass: Ronald Reagan for having the balls to punch a xenocidal leader right in the face.
- Badass Army: The American and the Soviet invasion force.
- Beat Them at Their Own Game: After losing some men to Ponification potion (having been declared a chemical weapon), the Soviets respond in kind when the request to use VX nerve gas is approved.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: During Reagan's term in office, he had several speeches ready in the case of an alien invasion due to seeing as a way to obtain world peace, needless to say he gets his wish.
- Berserk Button: Mr. Gorbachev is visibly angry when Xenolestia tries to justify the forced conversion of over 2,000 Chinese civilians.
- Big Bad: Xenolestia aka Queen Chrysalis.
- Brainwashed and Crazy: It is implied that the Royal Guard has been brainwashed by Xenolestia.
- Bullying a Dragon: Xenolestia's way of letting the world know of her plan? Threatening the most powerful nations during the Cold War.
- Cool Plane:
- Fighter jets such as the F/A-18, AV-8B Harriers, and SU-24s make appearances.
- Likewise for helicopters, we get UH-1 Hueys, AH-1 SuperCorbras, CH-47 Chinooks, Mi-28 Havocs, Mi-24 Hinds, and many more.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: Human weaponry destroys the Royal Guard in battle, with Human casualties being incredibly light in comparison.
- Day of the Jackboot: Chapter 7: Stalemate reveals the Queen Chrysalis has been in control of Equestria for about a month and a half before making contact with humanity.
- Dead Fic: The author has lost interest in writing it.
- Deadly Gas: The Soviet forces are given authorization to use VX nerve gas on a large platoon of Royal Guards in chapter 7: Stalemate.
- Death from Above: Human fighter jets are able to outmaneuver even the fastest of Pegasi and shoot them down with ease.
- Defcon Five: Averted. After the failed First Contact meeting with Xenolestia, Reagan correctly raises the DEFCON level to DEFCON 2 for Marines stationed in the Pacific and DEFCON 3 for the USAF stationed in Hawaii.
- Deus Ex Nukina: When the Russians nuke the Barrier, ponies not killed outright fall to radiation poisoning many years after.
- Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: After Xenolestia refuses to agree to peace with Humanity and threatens to potion bomb everyone at the UN meeting, Reagan has finally had enough of her shit and punches her right in the face.
- Easily Thwarted Alien Invasion: Except for the UN meeting, the Ponies never once set hoof on human soil and Human forces are already closing in on Canterlot after only a week.
- The '80s
- Enemy Mine: America and the Soviet Union put aside their differences to fight the Ponies.
- Exactly What It Says on the Tin: Xenocidal ponies planing to wipe out humanity during the Cold War.
- Extremely Short Time Span: Everything from the failed First Contact to the invasion of Equestria has happened in the span of one week.
- First Contact: Xenolestia meets with some of the most influential leaders of the Cold War... to announce her plan to wipe out humanity.
- From Bad to Worse: For Equestria. First, the humans manege to break the barrier, then the two most powerful countries on Earth lead invasions from the west and the east respectively which puts them in a two front war. This should be good.
- Gas Mask Mooks: The invading human forces are decked out in full NBC (Nuclear Biological Chemical) gear, which helps great against the potion throwing guards. Though the suits can still be torn by arrows.
- God Save Us from the Queen!: Queen Chrysalis took over Canterlot and disguised herself as Princess Celestia about a month and a half before making contact with humanity.
- Harmless Villain: The Royal Guard get crushed by human weaponry and the only real problems humanity faces are the pony sympathizing PER. Plus, the notable casualties on our side were due to arrogance because some Soviet soldiers were lead into an ambush.
- Hazmat Suit: All human forces wear NBC (Nuclear Biological Chemical) gear to protect them from the potion.
- Hidden Villain: Only Major Frolov and the real Princess Celestia are aware that Queen Chrysalis is the one responsible for the Humans declaring war on Equestria.
- Hold the Line: Most of the Royal Guards stationed in Dodge Junction refuse to give into the Soviet forces surrounding them.
The ponies attempted to fight back, only inflicting minor amounts of damage on some infantry units, as these units were damaged, others would cover them. They were surrounded; one platoon against a division, but to them it didn't matter- Celestia had ordered them to hold, and they would do so with their lives, even if there was no hope for them.
- Hopeless War: For Equestria, who are horribly outmatched by the humans in both numbers and war technology.
- Hotline: Prime Minister Gorbachev calls Reagan on the Moscow–Washington hotline to inform him of the Soviet nuclear ICBM about to be launched at the barrier.
- Humans Are the Real Monsters: Xenolestia's main reason for wanted to wipe out Humanity.
Xenolestia: "I want to fix your greed, and your corruption, and fix the mistakes your people have made damaging your lands, for there is still hope! You can take a potion, be free of your greed corruption and blood lust, as well as your physically inferior forms and come to live in Equestria!"
- Humanity Is Superior: The Royal Guard are easily crushed by human weapons.
- Insufficiently Advanced Alien: Thanks to the barrier being destroyed, the Royal Guard are beaten easily thanks to only being armed with spears and bows and arrows.
- It's Raining Men: The VDV are deployed after the Soviets invade Equestria from the east.
- Just Plane Wrong: The end of Chapter 5 - Soviet Assault mentions the Yakovlev Yak-40 being used by the Soviet Air Force in the middle of an active warzone. This might be a confusion with either Yak-38 or Yak-(1)41 - and while the the -38 (which was already mentioned in the Prologue) was not a very good aircraft, it was a VTOL plane used from the Soviet Union's aviation cruisers, making its appearance in the south pacific plausible. The other would have been at most in prototype stage at that time (first flight in real life 1987).
- Killed Mid-Sentence: A San Francisco police officer in chapter 3: Escalation.
- La Résistance: Ponies in Equestria provide Intel to the Americans and help them sneak into the Cloudsdale weather factory in the hopes to bring down Xenolestia.
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall: In chapter 6, it is mentioned that one of the reasons for critics objecting to the attack on Equestria is that "these aliens looked like something out of a little girl's cartoon."
- Les Collaborateurs: The PER.
- Light Is Not Good: Xenolestia.
- More Dakka: The barrier is destroyed thanks to naval artillery and a Soviet nuke.
- Muggles Do It Better: Naval artillery and a nuke beats the barrier. Bullets beat magic. Fighter Jets beat Pegasi.
- Multinational Team: The Americans, the British, and the Soviets, all team up to invade Equestria.
- Mutagenic Goo: The potion. Even simply slipping in a puddle of it will turn you instantly.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Averted. Aside from Mr. Reagan and Mr. Gorbachev, Margaret Thatcher, Li Xiannian, and François Mitterrand meet Xenolestia at the UN conference.
- Nuclear Option: A Soviet nuclear ICBM is used to destroy the barrier.
- Oh Crap!: Rarity after spotting some American helicopters preparing to land outside of Ponyville.
- Rain of Arrows: A small shower of arrows injures some Soviet soldiers and tears the NBC suits on others, which leads to the potion actually getting a hit.
- Rage Breaking Point: After Xenolestia has the audacity to threaten the council at the UN meeting, Reagan immediately goes to her and punches her in the face.
- Refuge in Audacity: Some of the characters still can't believe that America and the Soviet Union pulled an Enemy Mine just to fight some Ponies.
Mager put his hand over his forehead. Ponies.... It felt stupid to part of him, having to team up with the Americans just to fight some dumb ponies. But the other part of him knew looks could be deceiving, and both the Americans and Russians knew that the quicker they wiped that cyka off the face of the Earth, the less problems they would have.
- Rock Beats Laser: Averted for the most part, however some Royal Guards and their weapons are able to do some damage:
- A very lucky spear throw lands into a Sukhoi SU-24's jet engine, forcing the pilot to eject.
- Some raining arrows launched by a squad of Guards tear into Soviet NBC suits and give an opening for the potion to hit.
- Save the Princess: Major Frolov captured by the Changelings as a POW finds the real Princess Celestia in the Canterlot caverns, and decides to escort her out.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here!:
- In Chapter 2: Viewpoint, when Xenolestia failed to potion one of the world leaders at the UN meeting, she quickly teleports out of there before nearby guards can open fire on her.
- When squads of Royal Guard ponies start getting their asses handed to them by the invading humans, some just start running away to save themselves.
- Screw You, Elves!: The world acts appropriately to Xenolestia's plan for humanity.
- Semper Fi: In the American theater, Marines are deployed for most combat operations such as the capture of the Cloudsdale weather factory.
- Shown Their Work: The author has done his homework on the military equipment the US and the Soviets had in 1986.
- Shout-Out: The NATO forward base in Equestria is nicknamed Mister Ed.
- Slave Mooks: Implied to be the case for the Royal Guards.
- Sole Survivor: Specialist John Richardson is the only survivor of his patrol squad that was ambushed at the Berlin Wall by PER terrorist.
- Superweapon Surprise: WMD's, specifically Soviet nukes and VX Nerve Gas, both of which completely devastate the Equestrian military. Surprise!
- Sympathy for the Devil: Some characters can't help but feel bad for the Ponies equipped with weapons not used since the times of Ancient Rome getting slaughtered by fighter jets, tanks, and modern infantry.
- Take That: With the aliens looking "like something out of a little girl's cartoon", Reagan is amazed that Hasbro hasn't sicked their lawyers on the Equestrian government yet.
- Tank Goodness: Want to see T-72s and T-80s? Yup, they're here to.
- The Magic Versus Technology War
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Once Xenolestia reveals her intentions for humanity, she is given one by every present member at the meeting.
- There Is No Kill Like Overkill: The invasion force sent to Equestria once the barrier is broken.
From the East
, Equestria faced the threat of hundreds
of Russian paratrooper aircraft and amphibious assault vehicles, all of which were launched the second they received word the barrier had fallen
. YAK-38's, KA-25's and Mi-8's
were all launched from their ships as they began their massive assault. In the skies above, a fleet of Il-76TD aircraft, belonging to the VDV, were ready to drop thousands of paratroopers
deep into Equestria immediately.
Their odds from the West
were just as grim, if not more so. Six American amphibious assault ships, two American Nimitz-Class Carriers, one British Invincible class
, two battleships, twelve destroyers and an American Air Base in Hawaii only three hundred miles away, with the 101st United States Airborne Ready to deploy. American LCACs were being launched to deploy M1 Abrams tanks
onto the shore of Equestria the second they made landfall, Harriers were already bombing positions that were now incredibly exposed after the strike.
- This Means War!: Plans for an invasion of Equestria are drawn up as soon as the UN meeting goes to shit.
- Transhuman Treachery: Once the transformation is complete, the former human will attempt to ponify any human they encounter.
- Trapped Behind Enemy Lines: What happens to Major Alaxander Frolov, whose SU-24 crashed due to a spear landing in his jet engine.
- Unwitting Pawn: Implied to be every pony in the Royal Guard.
- War Fic
- War Is Hell: Well more for the Royal Guard. For the humans, its more like hunting season because of how easy their opponents are.
- Wham Episode: Chapter 6: Common Enemy reveals that the real Celestia was kidnapped and imprisoned underground by Queen Chrysalis and the Changelings. There is a reason shes been referred to only as Xenolestia throughout this article.
- Wham Line: In Chapter 6: Common Enemy:
- What the Hell, Hero?: Some of Reagan's critics considered declaring war on the Ponies "warmongering" because apparently the threat of complete xenocide wasn't enough of a reason.
- Western Terrorists: Currently, the PER have only been conducting terrorist operations in the US and West Germany.
- Would Hit a Girl: Ronald Reagan. Quite understandable considering the situation he was in at the time.