Sadly, the Emperor does not, in fact, have dudes on his shoulders. He totally could, though.
"KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER WHO ORDERED A BEATING?!"
— The Emperasque, showing off.
Tales of the Emperasque is a Warhammer 40,000 fanfic by Someone else., which was originally posted on 4-chan's /tg/ board. It's since been archived, and is also available on 1d4chan.com, as well as other stories by the author.At the dawn of the forty-second millennium, the God-Emperor is faced with two situations that could prove disastrous to the already-weakened Imperium. Forced to take extreme measures, he summons a Khornate daemon (in the form of a Tarrasquenote an immensely powerful and nigh-unkillable monster from Dungeons & Dragons) to the Golden Throne and possesses it, finally freeing him from the constant state of torment he's been locked in for the last 10,000 years. Now able to act on his own, he proceeds to turn the 40K universe on its ear in many different ways.The story consists of two complete sections (to date): Rise of the Emperasque and Vulkan's Shopping Trip. The full list of story posts can be found at the bottom of the story's page at 1d4chan.com. The series is on hiatus as Someone else. attempts to find professional work and writes an original story for NaNoWriMo.
The Emperasque's rescues of Isha from Nurgle and Eldrad Ulthran from Slaanesh.
To a lesser extent, The Emperasque's assistance to Dante on Zargh 3. We don't actually see him much there, though; by then the focus of the story is on the Primarchs.
Blessed with Suck: The Tarrasque's form gives the Emperor immense strength and (near) invulnerability, but since it's a daemon in this setting, it scares the crap out of people, and the furor over its summoning and the Emperor's subsequent disappearance in the first place causes fits both on Terra and in other Imperial offices. He's also very, very large, which causes a lot of problems. Also, see Painting the Medium below.
Blood on the Debate Floor: Averted; Isha takes advantage of Lofn's passive calming effect and has her accompany Taldeer to all the Eldar/Imperial negotiations so things don't get too heated.
Given the distrust between the Raven Guard and White Scars, and Space Wolves and Ultramarines (and Dark Angels), the Primarchs get along pretty well. Then again, the Imperium's hanging by a thread.
Lion and Russ go for each other's throats as soon as the room is clear.
Comically Missing the Point: Rather than react with anger or shock at the "The Reason You Suck" Speech below, and possibly humiliate an Imperial legend before two Primarchs and the Emperasque, Logan Grimnir makes an offhand comment that causes Leman Russ to have the sputtering equivalent of a Flat "What." and then collapse into hysterical laughter.
Crack Fic: The God-Emperor of Mankind in the body of a Tarrasque. A bunch of /tg/ fanon treated as canon. Do we really need to explain this any further?
Merging 40K with D&D in the form of the Emperasque.
invokedSeveral pieces of /tg/ fanon are included, including the relationship between Taldeer and LIVII from Love Can Bloom, their daughter Lofn, references to the Pretty Marines and the Blood Ravens' kleptomania, and Faptau.
Curb-Stomp Battle: Pretty much any fight the Emperasque gets personally involved in. That being said...
Damsel in Distress: Isha, the Eldar fertility goddess, prisoner of Nurgle and test subject for his plagues since shortly after the Fall of the Eldar.
Evil vs. Evil: Well, the Imperium is pretty dark grey at the best of times, so technically them fighting any one of the other factions could count... but a better example would be the Emperor tricking a Tyranid Hive Ship into the Dark Eldar city of Comorarrgh.
And that is so that the Tyranids will slaughter the Dark Elves, supercharging Slaanesh and tricking him/her/it into attacking Khorne, and inciting a war between their factions.
Eye Scream: Eldrad psychically severed his own optic nerves to keep from having to experience that part of Slaanesh's tortures.
What Slaanesh has planned for Eldrad Ulthran...doesn't happen, though.
Jaghatai Khan has been trapped in a chronovortex for millennia, while Corax has been tortured by Fulgrim for about the same amount of time. To say nothing of what poor Vulkan has been up to: he's trapped on a daemon world, being killed and resurrected over and over.
A Tau Fire-caste leader by the name of "Faptau" is launched out an airlock straight into the Warp, and promptly becomes daemonbait.
The Dark Eldar casualties whenever they occur, as their souls go straight to Slaanesh. This was one of the canon ideas that Someone else. actually thought should stay unchanged, since it gives an urgent edge to their sadism.
Fix Fic: The plot's basically "War Jesus is now a Magic Godzilla who is coming to clean house, and he is pissed."
Foregone Conclusion: The Emperor basically states that his ultimate goal in this story is to die... sort of. He plans to get as much mileage out of this body as possible, fixing up the Imperium to the point where it can survive without him for at least nine months, at which point he will kill himself and be reborn nine months later as a human.
Gondor Calls for Aid: The Emperasque, knowing that Imperial medical technology can't heal Roboute Guilliman's neck wound, brings him to Ulthwé to have the Craftworld's healers work on him.
The idea is toyed with, however. Ulthwé wouldn't have even considered it if they didn't owe the Emperor twice over.
Goomba Stomp: The Emperasque disposes of Abbadon in this fashion, which also invokes another piece of fanon, namely Abaddon not having arms.
Large and in Charge: The Emperasque—a fifty foot tall, seventy foot long, 100+ ton monstrosity that houses the soul of the God-Emperor and all his psychic power.
No Indoor Voice: As a side effect of what he's become, the Emperor can't control the volume of his voice, so everything he says is a booming yell.
Buckets of Ciaphas Cain jokes. Cain himself is a major character in Shopping Trip.
Space Amish: After the Eldar/Imperial negotiations are wrapped up, Isha retires to an Exodite world. Per Word of God, her adventures there will feature in Tales of the Emperasque 4: High Plains Matron.
The Craftworld Eldar and Imperials aren't exactly happy to be working with each other, but each side realizes that they need each other in order to fight their mutual foes and have a chance of actually winning. It doesn't help that the Emperasque irritates Isha constantly with his brusque mannerisms.
Pretty much anybody who has to work with the Dark Eldar. Their alien mercenaries absolutely hate them. They lose a space station because of it.
The Space Wolves and Blood Ravens dislike each other strongly, but they still stand shoulder to shoulder fighting the Dark Mechanicus on Cadia.
Unreliable Illustrator: Most Fan-Art depicts the Emperasque as a Tarrasque wearing a giant version of the Emperor's iconic golden power armor, but He isn't actually wearing anything in this form (at least, in the few days that follow His return).
Xanatos Gambit: The Emperor didn't want any of the forces he was attacking during the final scenes of Shopping Trip to actually lose outright. He just wanted them fighting each other. If it had backfired, though, it would have gotten very, very bad for the Imperium.
The Emperasque severely dresses down the Chapter Master of the Blood Ravens for their suspicious actions, binding him to the Deathwatch. The Emperor knew that to waste Gabriel's talents by just killing him would be gruesome profligacy. The mission that Gabriel undertakes will be chronicled in Tales of the Emperasque 3. Tentatively entitled: How I Learned to Stop Living and Become a Necron
The Emperasque is enraged when the Mechanicus accidentally damages the Golden Throne. Fortunately, he was already out of it. He only sets aside his anger because he has bigger problems coming than his own allies' shortsightedness.
He royally grills the Inquisition for routinely summoning daemons, and the Grey Knights for their actions to keep themselves secret.