Fan Fic: Please Stop Eating The Hell Butterflies
A missive to the Gotei 13 from Yamamoto.Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies
is a Bleach Fan Fic
by Mistress Nika
It is a Crack Fic
that is written in list-type format depicting the numerous things that are considered "objectionable behavior" performed by shinigami, posted in the barracks of each division on a daily basis to incite some form of public humiliation. Instead, it is considered a source of deep amusement and gossip, with the occupants of the list attempting to outdo themselves regularly. Therefore as time went on the guidelines became more... outlandish.
Warning: Do not eat food or drink while reading this Fan Fic
. It will not end well.
- Accidental Marriage: Ichigo and Aizen. It was Gin's fault.
- A God Am I: Thanks to running off with "The Unholy Alliance of White-Haired Pretty Boys," Hitsugaya now believes he is the reincarnation of a dragon god, going as far as to use his Bankai to perform miracles. He also asked Rukia to become his high priestess.
- All Women Are Lustful: The perverted antics in this fic are by no means limited to the men.
- Anything But That!: Yamamoto promises to give the Vizards an official apology, publically and in writing, along with 100 years worth of back wages but for the love of god he does not want them joining the thirteenth and three quarters division! They end up joining anyway.
- Anything That Moves: Gin, though his favorite targets are Rangiku and Ichigo.
- Ichigo, whenever his standards are low.
- Army of Thieves and Whores: The more the fic goes on, the more the Gotei 13 resembles this.
- Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: For whatever reason, Mayuri turned several members of the thirteenth and three quarters division into kaiju.
- Ax-Crazy: Hinamori.
- And Nemu. Especially when it concerns her father.
- Back from the Dead: Ulquiorra, courtesy of Orihime's powers.
- Bait and Switch: Yamamoto occasionally pulls these with his reprimands if the victim of the day deserved it (usually Aizen)
- Belligerent Sexual Tension: Byakuya and Ichigo's... "explosive" relationship prior to becoming intimate makes Rukia believe that Ichigo will have an epic romance with Aizen. Yamamoto shoots this down, pointing out Ichigo isn't even that antagonistic towards Aizen.
- They end up getting married. Blame Gin.
- Bestiality Is Depraved: Mayuri forces several of his subordinates to dress up as birds and mate with ostriches to try and create chocobos.
- Zaraki is noted to have once said that "a cat is fine too" should he ever be very drunk and horny.
- Bi the Way: Ichigo, Byakuya, Gin...not sure if Yumichika's this or just gay.
- Big Bad: There's a license. Aizen's was expiring. In practice, most of the insanity is Gin's, and to a degree Rukia's and Momo's, handiwork.
- Blatant Lies: Tends to happen any time the characters actually bother to try to justify their actions. They also tell each other Blatant Lies just to see the results.
- Bullying a Dragon: Both Gin and Mayuri have paid the price for trying to mess with Ichigo.
- Butt Monkey: Sajin, to Yachiru.
- Card-Carrying Villain: The trope title is dropped when Yamamoto has to tell Aizen that kidnapping female Shinigami and tying them to rail road tracks doesn't make him one.
- Chainsaw Good: Kira's reaction to someone bad mouthing the third division is to pull out a chainsaw and give it a few revs.
- Character Magnetic Team: The Thirteenth and Three-Quarters Division, lead by Captain Ichigo Kurosaki. It should be noted than anybody who is anything other than a pure shinigami (Vizard, Quincy, Arrancar, Hollow) gets sent there. Any seated officer from another division that qualifies does double duty.
- Chew Bubblegum: Isshin enters battle with this phrase. Yamamoto promises to give him some bubblegum if he behaves.
- Comedic Sociopathy: Everyone. And when we say everyone, we mean everyone.
- Crazy Enough to Work: Gin ends the Winter War by drugging Aizen, capturing Ichigo and forcing them to get married in Vegas. Yamamoto applauds and honors him for it.
- Distracted by the Sexy: A Wardrobe Malfunction on Rangiku's part leads to the death of several Shinigami in the middle of a battle.
- Doomy Dooms of Doom: Renji refers to anything he doesn't know as "Doomy dooms". Yamamoto tells him not too, even if something does look particularly doomy.
- Dude, Not Funny!: Subverted in-universe and lampshaded. Byakuya's new subordinate was indeed named Hisana, but it wasn't that Hisana. They tried to give her to someone else.
- Eldritch Abomination: Mentioned in the Halloween chapter, capitalization included.
- Elvis Lives: Actually he doesn't, but Yumichika likes to sneak him into the World of the Living, and sometimes humans notice.
- Everything's Better with Dinosaurs: Nemu thinks so, but Yamamoto tells her that she can't bring any back to life regardless.
- Face Doodling: Yachiru likes to go to the Fourth Division and draw genitalia on the faces of recovering Shinigami.
- Fate Worse Than Death: After his defeat, Aizen, instead of complete obliteration of his soul, will instead become Yachiru's new playmate.
- Of course, that all became nixed once Orihime took over Hueco Mundo and made him her vassal, aptly named "Aizen-puppy."
- Nixed again, now that Gin arranged for him and Ichigo to have a Las Vegas wedding and convinced the two of them it was valid even in Soul Society.
- Flanderization: As you continue reading, you'll notice that the guidelines become more... outlandish, with each chapter. This was most likely deliberate.
- For Halloween, I Am Going as Myself: Despite his appearance, Komamura is not allowed to go as himself for Halloween. Mayuri, on the other hand, is.
- Freudian Threat: Yamamoto decrees that Isshin is no longer allowed to breed, and makes it clear that he will enforce that with scalpels if he has too.
- Friendly Enemy: Aizen, more aptly called "Aizen-puppy," when he became subordinate to the "Great and Fearsome Queen of Hueco Mundo," aka Orihime.
- Gin in the earlier chapters. He never seemed to leave, and spent as much time in Soul Society as he did in Hueco Mundo. It eventually led to him being reinstated as Captain of the Third Division due to the fact he did all the paperwork. Zaraki's too.
- Friends with Benefits: Possibly Ichigo's relationship with his various conquests, since several of them are otherwise in committed relationships.
- Giving Up On Logic: When it comes to the Gotei 13, sanity is a commodity that only Yamamoto can afford, and he has long since adapted in order to maintain it.
- Godiva Hair: Nemu tried going as Lady Godiva for Halloween, but her hair wasn't long enough, as Yamamoto was willing to point out.
- Grievous Harm with a Body: This is Grimmjow's default tactic for whenever he loses his zanpakuto.
- He's Back: Gin, Kisuke, Yuroichi, Kensei and Shinji all get their old jobs back. Sui-Feng is co-taicho and Mayuri is sacked.
- Heel-Face Turn: Grimmjow and Ulquiorra end up joining the Shinigami. Of course, whether the terms "heel" and "face" are applicable to this story is up for debate.
- If You Die, I Call Your Stuff: Zaraki likes to ask if another captain dying means he gets their division.
- I Love Nuclear Power: Mayuri, of course. Hinamori, however, attempted to invoke it.
"Stop playing in the runoff from the twelfth division. That is not the way to go about gaining superpowers. You are a Shinigami. You already have superpowers."
- I Love the Smell of X in the Morning: The reason Aizen gives for sitting at the foot of Shinigami's beds so he can scare the crap out of them when they wake up is "I love the smell of fear in the morning."
- It Amused Me: Why Urahara felt the need to conquer hell.
"I was bored."
- Arguably why anybody felt the need to do anything.
- It's Not Porn, It's Art: Yamamoto warns Kyoraku about using this excuse when Nanao finds out that she's the star of his self-drawn hentai manga.
- I Warned You: Urahara spreads fliers around the Seireitei with chibi devil-Aizens drawn on them along with the words "I told you so!" For some reason, Yamamoto doesn't feel inclined to lift his exile. He does eventually.
- Kill It with Fire: Nemu's suggestion for dealing with an escaped experiment.
- Leeroy Jenkins: It might be Kenpachi's real name.
- Let Us Never Speak of This Again: The Halloween Episode.
- Mad Scientist: Mayuri, more so than usual, to the point that Urahara, a psychotic megalomaniac, is preferable to him. Especially after the incident with the exploding babies.
- Many push for performing the most insane stunt "without any actual punishment", as a competitive game. Mayuri manages to stay in the upper positions just by being Mayuri.
- Marshmallow Hell: Rangiku is still doing this to Toshiro, and Toshiro still doesn't appreciate it.
- Metaphor Is My Middle Name: "Danger" is Chad's middle name. No, it really is.
- Mr. Fanservice: Gin thinks he's this, hence his proclivity for disrobing...
- Mud Wrestling: Yamamoto shoots down Kyrokau's idea for a Shinigami-Arrancar Mud Wrestling Championship.
- Naked People Are Funny: Quite often, even though Yamamoto outlawed public nudity. Gin is a frequent offender.
""But I was wearing bunny ears!" is no excuse. Those are still nude pictures."
- "No. Just... No" Reaction: Yumichika did something to cause this reaction in Yamamoto.
- Not So Above It All: While Yamamoto is undoubtedly the sanest person in Seiretei, he's not above taking advantage of his subordinates "objectionable behavior" for his own amusement. Particularly if that amusement involves grievous bodily harm and/or satisfying humiliation to the person of one Aizen Sosuke.
- Noodle Incident: Invoked. Due to the sheer chaos of Halloween, nobody is allowed to speak about what happened.
- There was an incident involving Mayuri and exploding babies.
- Quite a few of the incidents that result in a mention on the list aren't explained in fact; like why Aizen calls Orihime "Great and Fearsome Queen of Hueco Mundo." This results in the list mostly being made up of Noodle Incidents.
- Obviously Evil: The first few chapters (which presumably take place prior to the start of the series) make out Aizen to be this. As the story goes on, you can see why nobody noticed.
- Official Couple: Ichigo/Everyone, Ichigo/Byakuya, Ichigo/Aizen, Yoruichi/Soifon, Ulquiorra/Orihime, Gin/Everyone, Gin/Rangiku
- Only Sane Employee: Yamamoto eventually asks Ukitake to keep an eye on Ichigo and never leave his side to keep his more... interesting ideas from becoming realities.
- Only Sane Man: Yamamoto. He's learned to adapt.
- Hisagi was this. Then he got promoted.
- Sasakibe is most likely this; judging by the generally lack of his mention on the list.
- Operation Blank: Yamamoto threatens to unleash something called "Operation Flaming Undead Lemurs" on Gin.
- Orcus on His Throne: Yamamoto says that if Aizen wants to continue being the Big Bad, then he actually has to get off his butt and do some work himself instead of just smirking at everyone.
- Out of Focus: Nel's apparently around, but rarely gets an entry to herself until much later, usually with Yachiru. Chojiro is mentioned infrequently, until Yamamoto specifies that he hasn't forgotten about him, he's just very well behaved.
- Over-the-Shoulder Carry: Gin to Rangiku and later Yoruichi to Soi Fon, with presumably sexual intentions.
- Painful Body Waxing: As a prank, somebody covered the inside of Rangiku's underwear with double-sided clear tape. She vows to find the person responsible and show them the horrors of a Brazilian body wax.
- Parrot Pet Position: Yachiru at one point puts up missing flyers of Nel, saying that Ichigo's lost his "shoulder pet".
- Playboy Bunny: What Rukia evidently dressed as for Halloween.
- Plunder: Yamamoto was thankful that Kenpachi stopped Gin from causing a mass defection of female shinigami. However, he was not thankful enough to allow him to claim Matsumoto as the "spoils."
- The Pornomancer: Known as The Kurosaki Effect™.
- Power Is Sexy: What Ichigo attributes to his success.
- Puppy-Dog Eyes: Yuzu uses these on Yamamoto for unknown reasons. He tells her to quit it.
- Psychopathic Manchild: Yamamoto, Sasakibe, Komamura and Ukitake. There, four people who DON'T act this way on a regular occurrence.
- Pyromaniac: Hinamori. Unfortunately, it's just one facet of her crazy.
- Rain Dance: Somebody told Omaeda that doing a rain dance on your roof in tribal garb is a sign of true wealth.
- Really Gets Around: Ichigo. Dear God...
- Reincarnation: Officially, Kurosaki Ichigo is not the reincarnation of Shiba Kaien. However, official records have been wrong before...just don't bother trying to tell that to Kiyone and Sentaro
- Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue: Gin sent Ichigo a note saying "Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's fuck". Clearly, poetry isn't his strong suit.
- Screams Like a Little Girl: Due to an incident with Byakuya's zanpakuto, Ichigo does this whenever he sees cherry blossoms. It crops up in a couple of other places too.
- Serial Escalation: At the beginning, the list was much shorter and a bit quirky, but not nearly as insane as it is now.
- Sex for Services: Yamamoto warns Gin to stop trying to invoke a Sex Face Turn from Ichigo, as he has given Ichigo "ample reason" not to defect, even if he has to "whore the entire Gotei 13" to him.
- In a reference to a similar list, Kenpachi and Yachiru are told to stop making "carnage angels" in the blood of their enemies.
- Rukia busts Byakuya out of a real world prison with a technique called Shinigami Jail Break no Jutsu!.
- Grimmjow asks if he can rename his zanpakuto's release command to "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Pantera."
- Nanao likes to cover her books with Death Note slip covers.
- Yamamoto declines Isshin's suggestion to change the official Shinigami uniform to a black suit and tie. He also doesn't know what Isshin means when he mentions "neuralizers".
- Sign of the Apocalypse: A quiet day in the Serietei is not one, according to Yamamoto.
- Sleeps with Everyone but You: Ichigo is this for Gin. To be fair, Gin's approach leaves something to be desired...
- Stalker with a Crush: Gin really wants to sleep with Ichigo. Yamamoto points out that if he stopped being a creepy stalker, Ichigo would probably sleep with him.
- Streaking: Female shinigami are not allowed to chase after Gin when he is streaking, due to the possibility of mass defection from the Gotei 13.
- Stupid Sexy Flanders: Yumichika wears a fairy costume for Halloween that ends up leaving the other Shinigami rather confused.
- Renji is forever banned from wearing leather pants. Uryu joined him not long after.
- Suspiciously Specific Denial: Denied by Yamamoto about the zombies.
- Which gets even more hilarious now that people are getting zombified left and right in the actual manga.
- Tantrum Throwing: With obligatory Window Pain. This was Hisagi's reaction when Yamamoto refused to make Kensei his co-taicho.
- The Dreaded: Aizen calls Orihime the "Great and Fearsome Queen of Hueco Mundo."
- Yachiru, though that's to be expected.
- Mayuri takes pride in the fact that other shinigami run screaming at the sight of him.
- The Thing That Would Not Leave: Gin never seems to leave. Yamamoto finally relented and gave him back his position as Captain of the Third Division after finding out he did all the paperwork and had offered to do Kenpachi's as well.
- There Was a Door: Kenpachi, of course.
"Wall is not synonymous with door."
- This Is for Emphasis, Bitch!: As soon as Rukia became a lieutenant, she smacked Byakuya with her badge and told him "In your face, beeyotch!"
- This Means War!: Lampshaded.
"Why is everyone so obsessed with declaring war? We're already at war."
- Title Drop: Where do you think the title came from?
"Kusajishi-fukutaicho - Please stop eating the Hell Butterflies."
- Tracking Chip: Kiyone and Sentaro implanted Ukitake with one. Are you surprised?
- Trade Snark: Kurosaki Cluster Fuck™ is apparently a registered trade mark of the Soul Society. As are the Kurosaki Route-to-Power™ and the Kurosaki Effect™.
- Un-Person: Both Gin and Matsumoto are hereby persona non grata on the Kuchiki estate due to their actions during the party they held on the estate in celebration of Gin winning the war, attended by various members of the Unholy Alliance of White-Haired Pretty Boys.
- White Hair, Black Heart: An entire unholy alliance. Hitsugaya ran off with them, Gin is one of their members, and they were likely to attempt kidnapping Ukitake.
- Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Due to Grimmjow wrecking a carnival when they ran out of cotton candy, Ulquiorra is forbidden from going from the World of the Living even though he's far more sane.
- Wildlife Commentary Spoof: Kiyone and Sentaro at one point follow Yumichika around narrating everything he does in an overly dramatic Austrailian accent. Well, he DOES have plumage...
- With Great Power Comes Great Insanity: Ever since Hisagi was promoted, he's started acting like everybody else. He's since been demoted, and Hiyori's been put in ahead of him in the pecking order.
- World Gone Mad: It's a miracle that Yamamoto has managed to maintain his sanity, if this is what he has to deal with every day.
- Worth It: Occasionally Yamamoto will make allowances for certain types of behavior, particularly if they involve some kind of misfortune on Aizen.
- Would Hit a Girl: Yamamoto warns the SWA that Kenpachi has promised to kick their asses if Yachiru brings home "manporn" again.
- Yaoi Fan Girl: The Shinigami Women's Association. Quite militant about it, actually.
- Yandere: Momo, for Aizen. So much that she tries to kill Shinji for "replacing" him.
- Nnoitra is one as well, for Tesla.