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FanFic: My Immortal

redirected from Main.MyImmortal

This so should have been in one of the movies.
I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. "ABRA KEDABRA!!11111" I shooted.
—My Immortal

Not to be confused with the Evanescence song of the same name. Please.

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a seventh-year Slytherin who's overwhelming beautiful, "goff" and has Draco Malfoy wrapped around her pale finger. Everywhere she goes, her fellow students are smitten by her hot, goffik So Beautiful, It's A Curse body. She's usually surrounded by her friends, Satanist "goffs" who slit their wrists, shop at Hot Topic and move into Slytherin, while everyone else (including Dumbledore) is a prep who listens to Avril Lavigne and hates the goffs for no reason.

The plot is mostly centered around Voldemort Vlodemort trying to force Ebony Enoby to kill Draco (Voldemort only once requests Harry's Vampire's death). After this, Ebony goes back in time to try to prevent Tom Riddle from ever becoming Voldemort Volxemort, by making him fall in love with her. Snape Snap and Lupin Loopin are pedophiles who enjoy masturbating masticating and eventually get sent to Azkaban (or "Abhkazian", possibly a product of the Cupertino Problem). Then there's some drama between Enoby, Draco and Vampire, and...who are we kidding? There's nothing resembling a plot here.

What this fic does have, however, is sex, torture, rape, time travel (Marty McFly makes an inexplicable cameo), guns, goth concerts, ludicrous and confusing nicknames, dramatic entrances, tears of blood, wrist-cutting, homo-/bisexuality, and clothing descriptions worthy of American Psycho. This is not to mention the OOC drama, ranging from Tara's constant interaction with her incensed reviewers, the rocky relationship between Tara and her best friend, Raven, as well as some back-and-forth between Tara and a mysterious "hacker." The constant spelling mistakes don't help the reader's understanding either. The story may or may not be the work of a Troll. If she is a troll, she's an incredibly skilled, determined, and realistic one. If not, then we should abandon all hope we have in the human race.

The story can be found here and here. It also spawned a published novel, a scathing dissection from nimbysays and a You Tube mini-phenomenon of people performing dramatic readings.

As you can see, this might just be the worst fanfiction ever written for Harry Potter, or anything else.

Warning: This fic will make you drop about 20 IQ points just by reading it. As for Tara, well... She ended up writing stuff like My Immortal.

Please go to Characters/My Immortal for the character list and Drinking Game/My Immortal for the drinking game.

This fanfic provides examples of:

  • Adaptation Decay: That's putting it mildly.
  • Always Chaotic Evil: Preps, apparently.
  • An Offer You Cant Refuse: Voldemort tells Ebony that if she doesn't kill Vampire, she and Draco will die.
  • Anti Climax: Chapter 17-18. 17 sets up some fight between "Dumblydore" and Voldemort, but 18 opens with Ebony waking up. It's explained away in a paragraph, where Dumbledore "chased him off" (and then segues into Ebony and Draco having sex to a Linkin Park song...). Of course, most fights end with someone flying away (rather like the Iliad.)
  • Anti Hero: Ebony and her friends. They all fight Voldemort, but they disrespect authority and do "pot, coke and crak".
  • Artifact Of Doom: In this troper's opinion, the fic itself.
  • Author Appeal: Everyone Tara likes has the same taste in fashion and music as her.
    • Allegedly. With how incoherent and contradictory it is, even the author's "goff" status is questionable.
  • Awesome Mc Coolname: Most of the original Harry Potter character have been given new names. Such as Hermione now being B'loody Mary, Ron being Diabolo and Harry becoming Vampire.
    • Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way doesn't count because it doesn't make sense.
  • Back From The Dead: Willow, although whether or not "B'loody Mary" was telling the truth about killing her (and letting Loopin have sex with the corpse...) is unknown.
  • Big No: Many people use this many times, including how WormSnaketail did it before his death.
  • Bile Fascination: Seriously, this is was the MOST POPULAR THING on the site if the reviews were anything to go by.
    • And what does it say about all of us that we created such a huge page about it?
  • Brain Bleach: You'll need this to wash away the accumulated stupid. Rinse thrice per chapter, minimum.
  • Buffy Speak: "Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face".
  • Butt Monkey: Ha(r)grid.
  • Canon Defilement: Where to even begin?
  • Card Carrying Villain: Voldemort.
  • Character Derailment: Definitely averted. In fact, this is so unbelievably close to the JK Rowling's style of writing Harry Potter that this troper's jaw dropped.
    • ...Oh come on, did anyone really believe that?
  • Cliche Storm: It's like Tara took one of those Mary Sue Litmus tests, and used every option...
  • Cluster F Bomb: Tara makes liberal use of F-Bombs in this mess of a fanfiction.
  • Completely Missing The Point: "I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!"
  • Conflict Ball: Why do the two groups of daft High School stereotypes hate each other? God knows.
  • Content Warnings: "WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD." (Of course, "excretion" might just be the right word...)
    • Christ, was this thing written by an Ork?!
    • She is a self-described "Goff"...
      • AN ork faction. My point precisely.
    • Is "VIOWER" supposed to be viewer, or vowel?
    • Just warnin' uze boyz. 'ands off dis ting.
      • Tink we needz us sum Fikboyz. Dizz'd be a gud 'un ta study.
  • Cookie Cutter Fic: It makes more sense if you think of it as one of these.
    • Yes, but not by enough. Not by nearly enough.
  • Cool Car: Draco has a flying Mercedes-Benz. Notably, one of the actual canon features of the fanfic: flying cars do exist in the Potter Verse.
    • It was an early chapter.
  • Costume Porn
  • Creator Provincialism: A character is at one point described as having an English accent, which in a(n alleged) Harry Potter fic should not be unusual enough to be commented upon. There are quite a variety of English accents, from Broad Yorkshire to Geordie to Estuary English to BBC to Posh Upperclass Twit, not to mention about a million others, so it does sort of make sense.... sort of. Indeed, this makes "English accent" even less useful as a description.
  • Cross Over: Marty McFly appears for no real reason to take Ebony back to the present.
    • Darth "Valer" takes Voldemort's place at one point...
      • A third, unintentional(?) I think she meant to say Tom Riddle, but with this story you never know... one:
    Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was"""""""". Tom Bombodil!1111
  • Crowning Moment Of Awesome:
    "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
    It was...........Dumbledore!
    • Crowning Moment Of Funny: likewise.
    • Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!
    • "STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.
    • "I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT"" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"
    • “The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!” Snape ejaculated menacingly. “You fucking preppy fags!” Serious shouted angrily.
    • "Volfemort has him bondage!"
    • “You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit next to her!1”
    • “VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.
    • "Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.
    • "YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"
    • "CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily/
    • "Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape."
    • I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!
    • "THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.
    • “Crosio!” I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.
    • “Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”
  • Darker And Edgier
  • Department Of Redundancy Department: Lots of it. For example, "Magical Magic Creatures".
  • Designated Villain: Dumbledore — wears an Avril Lavigne cape!!
  • Did Not Do The Research: In fact, better just make this Critical Research Failure.
    • "We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol."
    • and Hot topic topik was not called Hot issue ishoo.
    • Let's not forget that Voldemort Volfemort knows about Ebony's relationship with Draco because "[he] hath telekinesis!"
    • Not to mention Hedwig being male, and a human, and Voldemort's gay lover!
    • Does she know what dementia actually is??? It's not very goff, kawaii or shmexy.
    • Tara admits that she bases some of it on the movies because she hasn't read all of the books.
    • I understand that this is because of its vampire mascot and its name, but Count Chocula cereal is not "goffik" in the slightest.
    • The characters also throw around Avada Kedavra (which is frequently misspelled) quite frequently, even though it's a forbidden spell.
    • Since when does it make one a paedophile to be attracted to a seventeen-year-old, particularly since sixteen is the age of consent in Britain? Okay, it's still not okay to "masticate" while watching a seventeen-year-old bathe, but at least get the words right ...
  • Does This Remind You Of Anything: Voldemortserum.
  • Dont Explain The Joke: There is precisely one instance of a pun not being pointed out. Even if it had been pointed out, it would still have been the best only good pun in the entire story.
    • Given the number of horrible and seemingly impossibly bad spelling errors, this troper automatically assumed that it was the only unintentional pun in the story.
      • "...the forest where Draco stole my virility..."
    • One of the most confusing is "She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan." - Tara uses "pentagram" instead of "cross", because she's a Satanist.
  • Draco In Leather Pants literally
  • Dramatic Ellipsis: "It was... ... ... ... ... (CHARACTER)!" is used more than a few times.
  • Deus Ex Machina: Dumbledore's appearance at the MCR concert.
    • Ebony gets shot by James (Samaro) and survives. The reason for her survival is explained by Serious (Sirius). "Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time."
  • Driven To Suicide: Darko. Of course, after being found in his room, dead, he promptly reappears in the story and nobody so much as comments on it. Admittedly, it's possible that the author was trying to imply that Vlodmort had kidnapped him and put a fake corpse in Drako's room, or something.
  • The Eighties: Tara randomly decides that Voldemort attended Hogwarts in the 1980s (canonironically, it's the 1940s) - maybe she just couldn't imagine a time before there were "goffs".
  • Emo Teen
  • Fanfic Chop Suey: Harry Potter is thrown together with what Tara perceives as gothic things.
  • Fantastic Racism: Draco mostly averts this, but once calls Ebony a "fucking poser muggle bitch" in an attempt by the author to prove that he's still in character.
  • Flanderization: The OOC characterization and writing style get unbelievably worse with each passing chapter, most notably after the time travel segment. Of course, this only applies if you take the viewpoint that Tara is, in fact, an internet troll.
    • The first few chapters were supposedly done with Raven proofreading it, which explains why they're easier to understand than the rest.
  • Follow The Leader: The fanfic spawned hundreds of parody fics.
  • Freudian Slip: Tara occasionally substitutes her own name for Ebony's.
  • Funetik Aksent: The author lapses into out of this on multiple occasions. Most famously, the word "goffik".
  • Gratuitous Japanese: Professor Sinister, and to a lesser extent Ebony. Oddly, Ebony likes the word "kawaii".
    • What makes the use of this trope especially strange is that nowhere in the fic does any character indicate liking anime, J-pop, or anything else pertaining to Japanese culture.
  • Groundhog Day Loop: OMG there's an MCR concert RIGHT NOW! So they go and have sex. Back at school, OMG, there's a MCR concert! Let's go tonight, but first, we have to buy new clothes! Then yay, concert, let's have sex! Ebony then wakes up finds out about the MCR concert!!! NO WAY We should totally go and maybe even have sex! The same paragraph is copy-pasted into about four different chapters.
    • Oddly enough, in some chapters, a scenario happens and it is repeated word for word later in the chapter. This troper can think of three examples of this. The first being where Harry "Vampire"'s pentagram changes back into a scar revealing Draco's whereabouts. The second is when Ebony (or Enoby) go to an MCR concert, only to find out it's not really them, but "Volsemort and da Death Dealers!" The third example is a special case as it happens in two different chapters. Draco is caught doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111. and Willow tries to attack him.
  • Goth: Subversion: Ebony thinks she's a goff, but she's really an Emo Teen.
  • Hurricane Of Puns: A ton of really bad puns get used throughout, each one with an author's note pointing it out.
  • IKEA Erotica: "He put his thingie into my you-know-what."
  • I Got Better: Draco commits suicide. No, he does not attempt suicide, he commits it, and is found dead. This is never mentioned again.
    • It's possible that it was ignored because Draco was "in bondage" in Voldemort or something rather than dead...then again either I'm reading too much of this story and trying to make a coherent narrative which is freaking impossible.
    • I know I'm giving her too much credit, but it says that "I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn"t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there"s no way I"m writing that) or a steak)"
      • and also, " I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive."
      • mmmm....steak.
    • B'loody Mary also claims that Willow is dead, in this classic excerpt: (Willow later returns without explanation.
    B’loody Mary was standing there. “Hajimemashite gurl.” she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese). “BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math.” (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)
    “It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily.
    Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. “Maybe Willow will die too.” I said.
    “Kawai.” B’loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he’s a necphilak.”
    “Kawai.” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.
  • Incest Is Relative: "I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie."
  • Kudzu Plot: Well, if it had a plot...
  • The Leisure Suit Larry: Wormtail Snaketail.
  • The Libby: Britney.
  • Malaproper: Tara. Often tries to use big words, and fails.
  • Mary Sue: Ebony. Just... Ebony. Tara, of course, denies it (despite three noticeable Freudian slips in which other characters refer to Ebony as "Tata" "Tara" and "TaEbory"), and responded to her preppy haters with this:
    I sed stup flaming ok ebony"s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!
  • Meaningful Name: The "Raven" part of Ebony's name refers to Tara's friend, Raven. After Tara stops being friends with Raven, she changes Ebony's name to "Ebony Darkness Dementia TARA Way". Then, she reverts it back later on.
  • Mexican Standoff: Ebony points one out in the final chapter, though she accidentally calls it a "Latin standoff".
  • Mood Swinger: Ebony has so many mood swings that it makes you wonder if shes bipolar. Draco has a mood swing once.
  • My Girl Is Not A Slut: One of the excessive number of author notes pretty much says it just like that. Subverted in that in spite of the author's claims, Ebony really is a slut (come on... just randomly screwing "Vampire" Potter in the middle of a crowd even though she hates him for no real reason?).
  • Names To Run Away From Really Fast: used for the heroine.
  • Narm: Among other instances, at one point the main characters "talked to each other in silence," which is practically Zen.
    • Come on, every single scene or action that is meant to be serious in this fic becomes insta-Narm. Just add spelling errors.
  • Negative Continuity
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Britney, described as a "stupid preppy fucker".
  • No Ending: Tara's account was hacked into twice. The first put up a parody Death Fic as chapter 39 where Ebony dies and canon and sanity are restored. The second attempt locked Tara out completely, meaning that the story abruptly ends when Ebony is about to kill Voldemort.
  • Obligatory Swearing: Again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
  • Our Vampires Are Different: Vampirism seems to be relatively meaningless here.
    • Apparently they can be killed by a cross (a word which Enoby even refuses to say) or by a steak (so they should avoid restaurants and butcher's shops).
    • Harry "Vampire" Potter is apparently not a vampire, he just likes the taste of blood.
  • Overly Long Name: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Enough said.
  • Paedo Hunt: Snape and Lupin are sent to "St. Mango's" because
    they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.
    • Except they aren't. We're told they're being sent to St. Mungo's and then they just never leave the school with no explanation.
  • Plot: Thoroughly averted.
  • Possession Sue: Draco just reeks of this.
  • Present Day Past: Made even worse by author's notes talking about it.
  • Psychic Powers: Ebony and Harry's precognition abilities. (Guess whose power is stronger).
  • Punctuation Shaker: Usually you'd use an apostrophe to indicate that a letter was dropped. Nope. Just look at those character names.
  • Purple Prose: She spends entire paragraphs meticulously describing every last detail of her dress code. Ad nauseam.
  • Ralph Wiggum (If it isn't a parody, the author.)
  • Rape Is The New Dead Parents: The fic manages to combine rape and dead parents in a typically off-hand manner.
    It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
    • Stanism? Stanism? Stanism?
    • No, Stan—the accountant in Oregon to whom Crow T. Robot accidentally sold his soul.
    • So their dad cut his wrists with a razor, then raped the wounds?
      • No, he raped them and stuff, and then cut his wrists. I have no idea how that works, though.
  • Real Life Writes The Plot: The single chapter rename of the main character and expulsion of "Willow" was due to some falling out between Tara and Raven in real life.
  • Rouge Angles Of Satin: Is freakin' MADE OF THIS TROPE. Including the main character's name, misspelt half the time as "Enoby".
    • This actually provides some of the most compelling evidence as to this story's likely status as a parody. Not once Only once, probably by accident, is Sirius's name spelled correctly, but every time the word "seriously" appears, it is rendered as "siriusly"—no exceptions.
    • This Troper's favorite is "We started frenching passively".
    • "I gosped... Snap had a cideo camera and Loopin was masticating to it!"
      • And the above "sentence" is made even funnier by the fact that 'masticating' is a fancy word for...chewing.
  • Selective Squick: Tara refuses to refer to her Ebony's Enoby's vagina as other than "my you-know-what" or "my thingie", but does not skimp on introducing anal sex, rape, anal rape, torture, etc.
  • Sequelitis: The original is considered by some to be So Bad Its Good, but My Immortal 2 is just plain painful.
  • Snow Means Love: Ebony and Draco first spoke when it was snowing. Most likely just a coincidence.
    • Snowing AND raining!
  • So Bad You Keep Reading Because Your Brain Refuses To Accept That Anything This Bad Could Possibly Exist
    • Reading this fanfic is like activating a machine that fires cement blocks at your forehead. Each time you hit the "next chapter" button, the impact nearly knocks you from your seat and threatens to turn your brain into chunky salsa. Yet you keep pushing that button, partly out of the knowledge that (assuming you survive) you can only emerge stronger after this ordeal, partly out of respect for the twisted craftsmanship behind the hideous construct, and partly out of the mistaken belief that the next cement block couldn't possibly hurt as bad as the last one.
      • That, and your excessive brain damage.
    • The only thing more mind-poisoning than this is CWC's Sonichu.
  • So Beautiful, It's A Curse: Ebony, of course.
  • Spiritual Successor: Several attempts have cropped up, none quite living down up down left right left right B A to the original. "Ebony In Hogbort" is one example, notable in that it attempts to ramp the Wangst Up To Eleven by claiming Author Existence Failure, a story which didn't entirely convince a Deadpan Snarker in the review section who asked whether the cause was sunlight, holy water or a stake.
  • Stealth Parody: The only positive interpretation of the 'fic. Unfortunately, a frighteningly-accurate parody of truly execrable fan fic can be hard to distinguish from a truly execrable fan fic.
    • It has to be a parody! It simply... has... to!
    • Tellingly, the Encyclopedia Dramatica article on it is mostly positive, something they normally reserve for epic trolls.
  • Tag Team Suicide: Almost happened with Ebony and Draco.
  • Take That : To reviewers. (“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”)
  • Tears Of Blood
  • Timey Wimey Ball: The point where the fanfic loses anything resembling coherence.
    • Chapter 11!
      • Was it really coherent that far in? I always felt that point was hit somewhere around chapter 4, at the latest.
  • Wallbanger: Oh gods, do you even have to ask? Complements the Brain Bleach quite nicely.
    • With this fic, it would probably be more effective to ask what is not a Wall Banger.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: Apparently, vampires can't even write the word Cross. Not only that, but they're also vulnerable to "steak."
  • Word Of God: Authors' notes pop up in most chapters, mostly to criticise reviewers as "preps," and excuse her spelling problems and mischaracteriation. One note in Chapter 6 reveals that Dumbledore's swearing is the result of him having a headache.
  • Very Special Episode: "c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!"
  • Wangst: Constantly. Whines.
  • Yaoi Fangirl: Tara interrupts the narrative several times to mention how hot gay/bi men are.
    • Oddly, she insults her reviewers by calling them "gay fags" in the author's notes. And after Evony finds out that Draco has slept with Vampire, she thinks he must have AIDS AIDs!
      • Not entirely all that odd if you know real Yaoi Fangirls. After all, real gay guys usually aren't gwoooh SO UBERKEWLSEXYKYOOOTKAWAAAAII WITH LONG FLOWING LOCKS and if they are, they're usually fake or extensions. More false promises. The fangirl heart doth wither.
      • Depends on the Yaoi Fangirl. It's like with YuriFanboys. Some like the participants to be wildly idealized and are homophobic towards the real thing, some prefer the idealized and just don't care for how it usually goes, a few like it...
  • Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Voldemort speaks in this. Nobody really knows why.
  • You Fail Logic Forever: Big time. Begins with Good Charlotte (a muggle band) playing in Hogsmeade, a wizard-only town. Goes down from there.
    • If you are from the future, you can't get hurt? And if you use something that didn't exist yet, then it won't work?
      • And still, Past! VolVlodemort somehow knows when things will happen in the future.
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