How to describe Imma Wiserd
? Well, as one dramatic reader said, it's basically the gangsta version of My Immortal
—or at least that's what was said.Soulja Spirit Buu Jackson
, otherwise known as Turtle, starts the story on the porch of his mothers house without any food to eat. At this point, he suddenly finds out that he can make food appear by saying the name of the desired food. Upon discovering this, his mom abandons him, threatening to shoot him if comes back. After this, he leaves for Hogwarts in the second chapter, after which the story is essentially a chaotic sequence of events that (mostly) center around making Turtle into a Marty Stu
of almost unbelievable proportions, including beating three Quidditch teams, the Death Eaters & the Klu Klux Klan simultaneously, meeting God & being sent back to Earth after dying & summoning a dragon Patronus.
In the midst of this, something of a plot emerges when it turns out that there is a profasi
that he must kill 'da dark lord Vader
mort', who is initially supposed to want to destroy the world
, which is later changed when his back story is revealed - he was born as the twin brother of Shieqwan, who is black, & has hated black people
ever since. It's revealed that he & Snape are the same person around the same time. Eventually, he goes back in time to uninvent fried chicken, which, due to fried chicken being the source of Soulja's magic powers, results in Soulja becoming a muggle, & therefore ineligible to be at Hogwarts. To resolve this, Turtle goes to the distant past in order to reinvent fried chicken, which is revealed to be inhabited by characters from The Bible, but finds out that Vadermort followed him. At this point, what little plot it had to begin with disintegrates rapidly, firstly with Jesus giving Turtle his powers back, but still intending to reinvent fried chicken, & then forgetting that entirely after a single attempt, in favour of what becomes more of a team grudge between Turtle & his new friends (including Jesus, Judas, Mary Margerine & a homosexual reinterpretation of The Old Testament Joseph
) & Snape & his original Death Eaters (including Herod & Jezebel
). Needless to say, the story is almost universally considered to be a Troll Fic
by those who have read it.
Unfortunately, being like My Immortal
, Fanfiction.Net took it down. It's been re-uploaded yet again and even then
it was taken down. At the moment, the whole story up to Chapter 69 can be found at this website
. Several dramatic readings can also be found on Youtube
, one of the most popular being this one
- Anachronism Stew: The Hogwarts 10000 years in the past definitely counts, having various bible figures from both the Old and New Testaments, crucifixion, chemistry labs, Ancient Egypt, musical theater, pirates, classical music & a picture of Abraham Lincoln (probably because the author confused him with the Biblical Abraham) all present at the same time, far before when they actually existed (except for possibly the pirates, & even they play on much more recent stereotypes).
- Anatomically Impossible Sex: There is never any mention of lubricants being used at all during the story, even where they clearly should be.
- Artistic License – Biology: Jezebel laughs so hard that she has a baby. This occurs several times in a couple of days.
- Artistic License – Chemistry: Turtle, at Jesus's suggestion, tries to reinvent fried chicken using a chemistry lab instead of an actual kitchen, & during the entire (brief) process is never as much as hinted as even being near any chickens at all.
- Artistic License – Religion: Hoo boy... the author claims to have talked to a preacher so he could learn enough about biblical times to write about it. He must not have been paying very much attention.
- As Long as It Sounds Foreign: Adolf Hitler says many phrases in Mock-German, none of which are even remotely accurate to the translations given by the author.
- "gutantof gutantof chocolate choclate gutantof" sed hitler wich wuz german 4 "i agree we shud kill him"
- "Gutantof" is a misspelling of "Gutentag", which means "Good day" or "Hello". The real translation should be "Ich stimme zu, wir sollten ihn töten."
- "KINDERGAREN" he sed wich wuz german 4 "deres sumden rong wit mi baby"
- Author Filibuster: If it wasn't a Troll Fic, it would probably qualify.
- Awesome McCoolname: The main character's full name is "Soulja Spirit Buu Jackson", but everyone else calls him "Turtle" for some reason.
- Bed Trick: Joseph is tricked into having sex with Jezebel, which is traumatic for him considering how he is portrayed as Camp Gay and wants nothing to do with women sexually.
- Beige Prose: The story tends towards the undescriptive at best.
- Bible Times: The main character goes back in time to this time period to re-invent fried chicken.
- Big "NO!":
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111111" sed herman but she was 2 busy sewing 2 do anyting.
- Black Comedy: Solomon's math lesson involves cutting up babies with chainsaws. Several of the story's villains eat babies.
- Bloody Murder: One of the dragons Turtle fights shoots fire from the neck when decapitated and has acid blood.
- Camp Gay: The portrayal of Joseph.
- It eventually turns out that, during the time when Biblical figures were present at Hogwarts at least, the entire Hufflepuff house was composed of highly obvious gay stereotypes.
- Catch Phrase: Bradberry and Steven, Joseph's gay friends, say "fabulos" far too often.
- Crack Fic: Whoever wrote this story must surely have a highly active imagination.
- Department of Redundancy Department:
"how can dey still see us!1" sed hary pottr. it wuz bcuz da ski wuz wit and we wuz da only blak guys on da feild. "it is bcuz da ski is wit and we is da only blak guys on da feeld" i sed.
- Dramatic Reading: For a while, they were the only way to find anything past chapter 14, at least until an this enterprising fellow posted a backup of most of the story.
- Disney Death: Turtle. Twice.
- Eats Babies: As noted above, the villains of the story do this.
- Flat Character: Par for course for a Troll Fic.
- Gratuitous German: Hitler, natch. However, it's very obvious that the person writing this never took a German language class in their life.
- Greedy Jew: How Snape is portrayed. He even rides a giant dollar bill like a flying carpet.
- IKEA Erotica: Unsurprisingly, the sex scenes here are ridiculously simplistic.
- In Name Only: The fic's connection to canon was tenuous at best from the start, but once Turtle goes back in time to the Biblical era, the story pretty much ceases to resemble a Harry Potter fic at all, outside of a couple of retained characters.
- Jesus Was Way Cool
- Jive Turkey: Pretty much how the whole story is written.
- Ludicrous Gibs: Happens to the monsters that Turtle and David fight.
- Magical Negro: The story's alternative title is the... less polite form of this phrase.
- Modern Minstrelsy: Oh, where to begin?
- N-Word Privileges: That word is used a ridiculous number of times throughout the story, yet a white cop who uses it gets a dragon Patronus set on him.
- Personal Raincloud: Joseph gains one after falling victim to the Bed Trick.
- Race Lift: Harry is black in this story, but mentions that a white guy was cast to play him in the movies.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Oh so very much. He claimed that he was going to improve his spelling to 'give u da best reedin experiants', but any degree of noticeable improvement was marginal. Notable examples include:
- he went ova to da closet an opned in. an out came... A KLUKKLUCKSKLANMAN!1111
- den snap cam up and sed "cum 2 mi oriface"
- "dis is my new friend turtle" sed jesus "turtle, let me introduce you to my 2 best friends. mary margerin and judas."
- Serial Escalation: The story starts off crazy from Chapter 1 and it just gets crazier chapter after chapter.
- Slut Shaming: Tends to happen to female antagonists.
- Stay in the Kitchen: "Herman" (Hermione) wants to go back in time with the male characters, but is told that she shouldn't because they didn't have sewing machines, pretty dresses, or vacuum cleaners back then.
- Statler and Waldorf: Make appearances in the story.
- Title Drop: Turtle does this after relating his depressing life before Hogwarts to Leonardo da Vinci.
" i wuz so sad. but den one day dat all changed. all of a sudden i found out someden dat changed my life 4eva... imma wiserd."
"no" i sed "a yeer ago i mite have been a failure. i wud just sit on da porch an dreem. but now... im a frend... im a hero... IMMA WISERD!111"
- Troll Fic: Whereas people still to this day don't know whether or not My Immortal is a Troll Fic or not, they know very well that Imma Wiserd is a 100% trollfic.
- Unexplained Recovery: Turtle supposedly dies after being knocked off his broom by Vadermort in an early chapter, but wakes up in the hospital wing the next day and quickly recovers as if nothing has happened.
- Where Da White Women At?: Turtle's relationship with "Herman".