->''"[[ItAmusedMe I... did it... for the lawls]]."''

In the ending moments of the [[LightNovel/FateZero Fourth Holy Grail War]], certain people took a different tack to resolve the problem of the tainted grail. As a result, there was no fire that consumed Fuyuki City.

Ten years later, Shirou Urobuchi finds himself having the most harrowing day of his life. He is chased by a blue haired spearman for no reason, and his attempt to counterattack gets the school burnt down. After his life was saved by a white haired man dual wielding swords, he manages to get home, only to find Illyasviel von Einzbern nee Emiya waiting for him. She's giving him an early birthday present, her virginity. The red-haired, Internet-savvy, hungry-for-Sakura-Matou teenaged boy accepts, and soon finds his fate tied to the Emiya family, just as the Fifth Holy Grail War begins...

''[[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6859461/1/I_Put_On_My_Robe_And_Wizard_Hat I Put On My Robe And Wizard Hat]]'' is a ''VisualNovel/FateStayNight'' FanFic written by Ol'Velsper. It is an attempt to reimagine the Fifth Holy Grail War [[FollowTheLeader in the same vein]] as the [[FanFic/TheKeyToASuccessfulInterview Interview-verse]] [[FanFic/BeautifulDestroyerSailorMoon fics]] of The Sage of Toads. That means making people GenreSavvy, OneOfUs, and, most importantly, CrazyAwesome.

The {{sequel}}, ''[[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7083560/1/ Apostles in Leather Pants]]'', takes place not long after the first story and reimagines ''VisualNovel/{{Tsukihime}}''. There is also a side story, ''[[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6931474/1/Reflections_of_the_Kaleidoscope Reflection of the Kaleidoscope]]'', that contains some what-ifs and some crossovers.

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!!'''This fanfic contains examples of:'''
* AllYourPowersCombined: Archer and [[spoiler:Iskandar]] merge their Reality Marbles.
* {{Badass}}: [[TakeALevelInBadass Shirou shapes up to be one]]. Then there are the Servants, Kiritsugu, and [[Myth/{{Merlin}} Myrddin]] [[ChildMage Emrys]].
** BackToBackBadasses: Archer and Lancer vs. a horde of Zouken's familiars.
* BigBadEnsemble: Gilgamesh interferes with Zouken's offensive by forcing him to give the protagonists a reprieve when he looks to be about to overwhelm them, because he wants to see the full extent of their capabilities.
* BigDamnHeroes: Miyu accidentally triggers a Servant summoning spell, just in time to call forth a replacement Rider-class who takes down the zombies chasing her. [[spoiler:Not just any Rider class, either, but [[LightNovel/FateZero Iskander from the Fourth Grail War.]]]]
* BrainBleach: Lancer is certainly {{squick}}ed by what he finds out from the Grail when Shirou asks his last question.
* BrokeYourArmPunchingOutCthulhu: Type 1. [[spoiler:Shirou Urobuchi (The Younger)]] [[HeroicSacrifice sacrifices]] himself to stop Angra Mainyu's manifestation, but ends up [[spoiler:trapped in the Holy Grail and finding out he only delayed the Evil Divine Spirit.]]
* BugWar / GiantSpider: The participants in the Holy Grail War vs. Zouken's nigh-endless army of insectoid and arachnid familiars.
* CameBackWrong: Shinji Matou, after his grandfather merges what remains of Shinji's body with one of his worm familiars.
* CanonImmigrant: Kuro-Ilya isn't the only ''Manga/FateKaleidLinerPrismaIllya'' character to join the fun. Miyu Edelfelt exists in the story as Miyu Inui, Shirou's half-sister on his mother's side, [[VisualNovel/{{Tsukihime}} sibling to Arihiko Inui and Ichiko Inui]], and [[spoiler:an unintended Master of Iskander-Rider.]]
* CarFu: Medusa-Rider and Saber duel on motorbikes, and then later, Rider tries to run Shirou and Saber down with a train!
--> '''Shirou''': [[MultiTrackDrifting Multi-Track Drifting!]]
* ClapYourHandsIfYouBelieve: Rin believes that [[VideoGame/{{Slayers}} Lina Inverse]] is real. Thus, when she finds the info on TheOtherWiki, she can't help but laugh as she finds the MagicalIncantation to the [[FantasticNuke Dragon Slave]] spell. She then uses the spell to blow up the Matou household after Archer rescues Sakura.
* CombinationAttack: Medea and Cú Chulainn combine their powers to use the [[VideoGame/{{Suikoden}} True Sun Rune]] on a horde of zombies.
* CrossOver: Half of the Franchise/{{Nasuverse}}. Also, [[Anime/PuellaMagiMadokaMagica Homura Akemi]] cameos in the epilogue. Ol'Velsper says this is a prequel to her appearance in his other work, ''Lyrical Chronicles''.
%%* DeconstructionFic.
* DelayingAction / HoldTheLine: A company of [[spoiler:Iskandar's soldiers]] distract the Counter Guardian long enough for Archer to close the hole the CG just blew in the Reality Marble and take him away from the fight.
* DemotedToExtra: Servant Assassin never gets summoned; Caster thinks to herself that she now has enough mana stored up to summon him right before she ends up leaving the temple. [[spoiler:However, Assassin finally appears in the sequel]].
* DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu
--> '''Archer''': Fuck your bullshit, Gaia.
* DiskOneFinalBoss: Zouken.
--> ''"Zouken was easy mode as a villain. I want to try to brush my dialogue for the harder ones."'' -- Ol'Velsper
* DualWield: Saber dual-wields Excalibur and Caliburn in the final battle.
* EnemyMine: Like with Caster in ''Fate/Zero'', the Grail War is put on hold and everyone teams up to deal with Zouken.
* EquivalentExchange: Archer-Urobuchi's ability seems limited to exchanging artifacts with similar histories. He can trade up for more potent Noble Phantasms by offering his personal Noble Phantasm: [[spoiler:The Jewel Sword Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg]].
* EvilTwin: The Einzberns send in a [[Manga/FateKaleidLinerPrismaIllya dark-skinned version of Ilya]] as their representative in the Fifth Holy Grail War.
* ExplosiveOverclocking: How Shirou defeats Worm!Shinji. He floods one of Kirutsugu's Origin Bullets with prana and shoots Shinji with it. This causes [[MySkullRunnethOver Shinji's mind to experience more information than he can handle]] and nearly drives him insane. Shirou specifically compares it to a DDOS attack.
* ExpositionBeam: Kuro-Ilya connects her and Shirou's memories in order to quickly teach him how to take in mana from the world around him.
* FastballSpecial: Shirou has Herakles throw him toward Saber so he can help her out of a tight spot.
* ForWantOfANail: Archer-Urobuchi picks up the slack when Rin Tohsaka misplaces the gem stone that would serve as the catalyst to call Archer-Emiya.
* FromBadToWorse: Zouken's familiars have started a zombie apocalypse in Fuyuki and Zouken is making his play for the Grand Holy Grail. Everyone fighting together are barely holding him off. Then, [[spoiler:Angra Mainyu successfully fully manifests]]. Which results in Alaya sending in a Counter Guardian in [[KillEmAll full-combat mode]].
* FusionDance: Power Booster-type. Caster temporarily absorbs Saber, whose part-dragon nature upgrades Caster's Colchis Dragon spell from a drake to a full-blown dragon.
* {{Geas}}: Gilgamesh uses a couple of Zouken's crest worms to put him under a self-contract geas.
* GoodCostumeSwitch: When Medusa-Rider becomes Medusa-[[VideoGame/FateEXTRA Saver]], she's wearing white.
* GreatBigLibraryOfEverything: [[spoiler:Archer]]'s Reality Marble, "Infinity Library Archives."
* GrievousHarmWithABody: Lancer swings a centipede impaled on his spear to attack the other monsters surrounding him using its many apparently-pointy legs.
* GuileHero: Taiga's grandfather [[BadassGrandpa Raiga]] [[CoolOldGuy Fujimura]]. When asked for help with the ZombieApocalypse he says that he can't take direct action because of the Tohno. After Taiga and company leave he fires 15 of his guards along with his assistant of 15 years. When the assistant asks about his severance pay Raiga tells him to help himself to anything in the armory and that Taiga is currently recruiting "workers."
* HappilyMarried: Kirutsugu and Taiga.
* HeroicSacrifice: Caster, Lancer, and Berserker during the final battle. [[spoiler:Archer and Shirou at the end.]]
* IdiosyncraticEpisodeNaming: All chapters except for the first and the last three are named after ''TabletopGame/DungeonsAndDragons'' spells; specifically, Wizard or Sorcerer spells.
* InSpiteOfANail: Despite no fire, Avalon is inserted into Shirou [[spoiler:in order to keep him from being overwhelmed by the awakening of his magic circuits.]]
* {{Irony}}: Kuro-Ilya believes the Urobuchis to be nobility and calls Shirou "Sir Urobuchi," to which Shirou protests, "I'm not a Sir." Later, Saber knights Shirou under the authority of King Arthur, meaning he now is, in fact, a Sir.
* MafiaPrincess: As per canon, Taiga Fujimura-nee-Emiya is the granddaughter of a Yakuza boss.
* Myth/{{Merlin}}: While hallucinating during his Reinforcement training, Shirou encounters Myrddin Emrys in the guise of a cute 12-year-old boy.
* MurderTheHypotenuse: When Ilya dumps him, Shinji orders Medusa-Rider to kill Shirou. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't know that Shirou is a Master or that Archer makes use of Medusa for his own plans.
* NiceJobBreakingItHero: Kiritsugu sabotaged Fuyuki's ley lines to prevent the Grand Holy Grail from manifesting. Unfortunately, he neglected to tell anyone else he did. So, when Archer enacts his plan to ascend Medusa and exorcise Zouken from Sakura, the damaged ley lines overload, causing the [[ApocalypseHow earthquake]] that nearly levels Fuyuki and [[ZombieApocalypse unleashing Zouken's familiars]] into the populace.
* PersonOfMassDestruction: Counter Guardian EMIYA completely destroys around 250 layers of Rho Aias in the first shot, then breaks through the rest more gradually once he's slowed down.
* RousingSpeech: Shirou adapts the [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wRkzCW5qI 40 Inspirational Speeches in 2 Minutes video]] to convince Kuro-Ilya to fight against Zouken's plot.
* SealedEvilInADuel: Implied to be [[spoiler:Shirou Urobuchi]]'s fate in the epilogue.
* SetRightWhatOnceWentWrong: [[spoiler:Heroic Spirit UROBUCH]]I's goal, even though his original timeline would still exist. Apparently [[spoiler:Fuyuki City was totally destroyed in his Fifth Holy Grail War and Rin died at the hands of Zouken.]]
* SheIsAllGrownUp: Ilya has a teenage body in this storyline.
* ShoutOut: The other main ingredient besides RuleOfCool.
** The third chapter starts right out with Archer saying [[LightNovel/OreNoImoutoGaKonnaNiKawaiiWakeGaNai "My little Master can't be this lame!"]]
** Archer demonstrating his Reality Marble to Rin has him adapting the [[Advertising/TheManYourManCouldSmellLike Isaiah Mustafa Old Spice commercials]].
** Shirou's family name is from Gen Urobuchi, the writer from Creator/{{Nitroplus}} responsible for ''LightNovel/FateZero''.
** Shirou's father Ren often mutters something about [[Anime/PuellaMagiMadokaMagica heat death]] for some reason.
** Medusa-Rider stumbles upon a [[Anime/{{FLCL}} yellow Vespa]] in her search for a motorbike.
** While executing his plan to rescue Sakura, Archer uses [[Franchise/MetalGear the codename Snake and has a cardboard box with him]].
** ''[[FanFic/MyImmortal What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers?!]]'' Used twice.
** ''[[Music/{{Queen}} Queen Sign: We will... we will... ROCK YOU!]]''
*** ''[[VideoGame/{{Touhou}} Hax Sign]]: [[Webcomic/TouhouNekokayou You Just Plain]] [[PrecisionFStrike Fucking]] [[Webcomic/TouhouNekokayou Lose]]''
** [[LeeroyJenkins “LEEEEEERRRROOOY JEEEEEEENNNKKKIINNS!”]]
** While defending his reasons for holding back on his Reality Marble, Archer-Urobuchi laments on how some of his friends would react. [[VideoGame/{{Touhou}} The Witch]] would flay him alive, [[Literature/{{Discworld}} The Librarian]] would sic the worms on him, and the last would [[Anime/ReadOrDie slice him to pieces with paper]].
** [[RanmaOneHalf "I'm...um...Shirou Urobuchi,"]] The white haired man nervously chuckled. He closed his eyes as he dipped his head. [[TheStationsOfTheCanon "Sorry about this?"]]
** To convince Saber to fight with him (and not stab him in the back), Shirou says that Saber shouldn't believe in Kititsugu, but [[Anime/TengenToppaGurrenLagann "Believe in me that believes in Kiritsugu!"]] To emphasize the shout out, Shirou then copies what Simon says when he declares that he isn't Kamina.
--->''"Who the hell do you think I am? My name is Shirou Urobuchi!" His hands lashed out and grabbed onto the king's own, causing a spark to run up Arturia's hands. Only Irisviel had really been touchy with her during the Fourth War. "Not Kiritsugu Emiya! I'm me! Shirou the Wizard!"''
** After Shirou tells Caren about his life, Caren asks what answer Shirou got from it. His answer? [[Franchise/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy Forty-]][[JustForFun/FortyTwo Two]]
** After Kuro-Iliya mentions to Miyu that her water magic hasn't developed enough to heal people, Miyu asks if Kuro-Iliya [[Manga/FullmetalAlchemist "ever thought of clapping and then slamming your palms into the gro-"]]
--->'''Kuro-Illya:''' Alchemy. Does. Not. Work. That. Way.
** "[[TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!]]''
** Waver notices Miyu is carrying a copy of ''VideoGame/BattleMoonWars'' and offers to play with her after things settle down. Later, after [[spoiler:Iskander]] leaves Waver in charge to make sure things run smoothly, Waver says "...well, I'll be over here trying to get us a Battle Mastery."
*** And in the Epilouge
----> [[VideoGame/SuperRobotWars "Super Servant Wars" stage – Battle Mastery attained!]]
*** It should be noted that ''VideoGame/BattleMoonWars'' is a fan-made ''Fate/Stay Night'' game, based on ''VideoGame/SuperRobotWars'', among other things, so this is a double reference.
** "[[Webcomic/{{Hiimdaisy}} And no one ate dinner that night]]."
** ''"[[strike:[[WebVideo/YuGiOhTheAbridgedSeries Card Games]]]]'' ''[[WebVideo/YuGiOhTheAbridgedSeries Servant Duels On Motorcycles]]" - Achievement Unlocked!''
* ShownTheirWork: The author gives appropriate nods throughout the FanFic to the Servants' respective legends, as well as [[WordOfGod Nasu's]] [[AllInTheManual data books]].
* SomethingOnlyTheyWouldSay: Kuro-Ilya and Herakles test Shirou's claim that he's Ren Urobuchi's son by asking him what weapon his father uses. Shirou guesses his dad made the [[CrazyAwesome chainsaw nanigata]] they always talk about, which is the right answer.
* SparedByTheAdaptation: Bazette is still alive, and still Lancer's master.
* ThisWasHisTrueForm: Turns out [[spoiler:Heroic Spirit UROBUCHI]] was using the Jeweled Sword of Zelretch in order to take the form of [[spoiler:Counter Guardian EMIYA]]. When it [[spoiler:becomes a Broken Phantasm due to the overflow of mana]], he reverts to his natural form and loses access to numerous abilities.
* TitleDrop: In the final chapter.
* UpgradeArtifact: The Noble Phantasms Archer creates can give whoever's wielding them [[InstantExpert the knowledge of how to use them properly, with minimal experience required]] to physically get used to using them.
* WhatTheHellHero: Rin's reaction to finding out Archer's backup plan is to [[spoiler:use Medusa-Saver to purify the Grail by killing her and letting her cancel out Angra Mainyu]].
* ZombieApocalypse: The result of Zouken's familiars spreading across Fuyuki through the sewer system.
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