Fanfic: Hermione's Talent
is a Harry Potter
fanfic in which, according to the summary, Hermione demonstrates her titular talent of singing
(!) to prove that Muggles can be just as good as wizards
. Then the angst lands and Hilarity Ensues
Hermione's Talent contains examples of:
- Aborted Arc: Almost every subplot in the fic is one of these, as the author regularly seems to lose interest and fall back on having Hermione sing anachronistic songs until something else happens.
- Alpha Bitch: This fic's version of Hermione is one. Yes.
- Anachronism Stew: None of the songs that Hermione sings had been released when she was at Hogwarts. Also, the war is over but Dumbledore is somehow alive.
- Back from the Dead: Dumbledore, apparently. We never learn how or why.
- Beige Prose: The entire fic consists of dialogue, internal monologue and copy-pasted song lyrics, with no actual descriptions of anything or anyone.
- Chickification: Hermione, of course.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Almost all the dialogue.
- Collateral Angst: Draco's response to the Drama Bomb.
- Contemplate Our Navels: Hermione does a lot of this when she's singing.
- Crapsaccharine World: It looks at first glance like a cute fluffy fic in which Hermione sings the author's favourite songs to her classmates and teachers. It isn't.
- Cuteness Proximity: Hermione, when faced with Merlin the kittennote , does a very good impersonation of the XKCD strip illustrating that page.
- Department of Redundancy Department: Hermione repeatedly refers to the day on which she caught Ron cheating with Lavender as their "one-year anniversary"; for all there are probably people who'd refer to a first anniversary that way, Hermione is not one of them.
- Diabolus Ex Machina: Dolohov appearing in the Forbidden Forest.
- Did Not Do the Bloody Research: The author doesn't seem to realise that "git" is a very mild insult in British English and contrasts sharply with the general tone of the rest of the dialogue.
- Distressed Damsel: Hermione.
- Drama Bomb: The plot consists entirely of standard-issue teen angst. Then Antonin Dolohov appears in the Forbidden Forest, kills Ron and rapes Hermione.
- Dropped a Bridge on Him: Ron.
- Fantastic Racism: The original premise was of Hermione demonstrating that Muggles were just as good as wizards, but this got overshadowed very quickly.
- Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue: See Beige Prose.
- Gratuitous Rape: Happens to Hermione, and is apparently the favourite hobby of Death Eaters in this universe. Because they weren't evil enough already, clearly.
- Happily Ever After
- How Do I Used Tense?: The author seems averse to the past perfect tense, resulting in some rather awkward constructions.
- IKEA Erotica: When Draco and Hermione get back together at the end of part 2, they have what Draco tells us is the best sex ever. The description doesn't convey this.
- Karma Houdini: Dolohov, via What Happened to the Mouse?.
- Lifetime Movie of the Week: In Potterfic form.
- Murderers Are Rapists: This appears to be the characterisation of the Death Eaters in this fic.
- No Indoor Voice: Hermione, Ron and Lavender hold entire conversations in ALLCAPS.
- Obligatory Swearing: Hermione, who doesn't say anything stronger than "arse" in canon and that was her equivalent of a Precision F-Strike, is now saying "fuck" every other word.
- Obvious Beta: Those parts of the fic that aren't copy-pasted from azlyrics.com appear to be somewhere between an outline and a first draft.
- Out of Character: Everyone.
- Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Neville. Yes, Neville.
- Present Day Past
- Product Placement: The author's username.
- Rape Is a Special Kind of Evil: Now the Death Eaters were definitely not the most pleasant folks in canon, what with the Nazi allegory and the like. Still, they weren't, y'know, rapists!
- Redemption Equals Death: Ron's death is presented as this in-universe, but it's closer to Stuffed into the Fridge.
- Replacement Goldfish: Draco buys Merlin for Hermione to replace Crookshanks, but he only appears in the scene where he's introduced.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Constantly. Most notably, the official title is actually "Hemione's Talent".
- Show, Don't Tell: Very much averted.
- Slut Shaming: Hermione tells Lavender that she's worse than Ron, even though he's the one who actually betrayed her, because she's a "slut". Lovely.
- Song Fic: Several times over.
- Soundtrack Dissonance: Perhaps best epitomised by this WTFFanfiction post, but none of the songs are a particularly good fit for anything to do with Harry Potter.
- Spiritual Successor: "Karaoke Night" by the same author isn't a sequel, but is a Hermione/Draco fic with a very similar premise but no horribly misjudged Gratuitous Rape (yet). The karaoke is still anachronistic and accounts for most of the wordcount, the plot still consists entirely of a Hermione/Draco/Ron/Lavender/"Astroia" love pentagon at an unspecified Hogwarts party and everyone still indulges in more ALLCAPS swearing than Karkat Vantas.
- Stuffed into the Fridge: Crookshanks never appears in the story and we later learn that he died for no apparent reason. Ron's fate could also count.
- Suspiciously Apropos Music: Hermione tries to invoke this in her choices of songs, especially early in the story.
- Unintentional Period Piece: A disproportionate number of the songs in Hermione's Talent (especially part 2) were new when it was written in 2010-11, placing its Present Day Past firmly in early 2011.
- Unusually Uninteresting Sight: How Harry and Ginny react (or rather, don't react) to Hermione dating Draco.
- We All Live in America: Even aside from the anachronism, a lot of the musical choices are not well known in the UK. To say nothing of how the characters talk.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Lavender becomes a Death Eater (!) but then disappears from the story. As does Dolohov after Draco punches him. Merlin the Replacement Cat appears in all of one scene.
- X Meets Y: My Immortal as a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Alternatively, My Immortal meets Jerry Springer meets Glee.
- Your Cheating Heart: Ron cheating on Hermione with Lavender is what starts the plot off. Draco also cheats on Hermione with "Astroia" but they were "on a break" (in those exact words) so it's okay.