Fan Fic: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
The above summary does not even begin to capture the pure Mind Screw
that is Face The Strange (or, as it is spelled officially, "FaCe ThE StRaNgE"), a Troll Fic
written in an attempt to write the worst Fan Fic
ever. Dally Darkblood
is a young lady who happens to be both a vampire and a witch
. She is invited to go to Hogwarts
along with a certain young man named Edward Cullen
who has been having some issues with his girlfriend Bella Swan
. On the train, they happen to run into Hiei
, who is selling candy to pay for his trip to Hogwarts and hits on Dally a few times
. They also encounter Shadow
, the anthropomorphic hedgehog
. When they actually get into Hogwarts, Dally and Hiei decide to get it on and use magic to turn their bodily fluids into water in order to avoid impregnating Dally. Little do they know, however, that a very jealous Edward
is spying on them, and decides to use his magic to teach Dally a lesson.And it only gets worse (and weirder) from there.
The even more twisted lovechild
of Brewdening Love
and My Immortal
, Face The Strange is a true test of whether the Internet has truly made a person resistant to terror and having their childhood ruined
. If you are feeling brave, you can read it yourself here
(link does not work directly anymore, but it can be accessed via the Wayback Machine), but be warned that it quickly becomes NSFW.
And now there is a sporking of it herenote
! And dramatic readings
Face The Strange contains examples of:
- A Date with Rosie Palms: Hiei, in Chapter 13, goes to "study" with Sasuke.
- Aborted Arc: Considering he never gets a Heel-Face Turn moment and is inexplicably good again after the Time Skip, Edward's time working with Mystique and Dumbledore could qualify as this.
- Adaptational Attractiveness: Dumbledore.
“What do you think u punishment should be?” Dubledore asked paseing around he was wearing a black t-shirt and ripped Hollister jeans that showed off his mussles.
- Adaptation Dye-Job/Self-Fanservice: Edward no longer has messy auburn hair and an expression filled with chagrin, but is now an Animesque pretty boy with bright orange hair and eyes who looks almost nothing like the original character.
- Added Alliterative Appeal: Dally Darkblood.
- All Gays Are Promiscuous: According to our author, not only are they promiscuous, they're also pedophiles. And they have to die in horrible ways because of that alone.
- All Men Are Perverts: Every male in the story gets hard if they're within a mile radius of Dally. The few who don't are homosexual rapists.
- All There in the Manual/Informed Ability/Word of God: The biographies describe the powers of Dally's Girl Posse. We rarely see any of them in the actual story.
- Anachronism Stew: In Harry Potter, the wizarding world was shown to be pretty old fashioned. Here, there are chain clothing outlets like American Eagle, cars, and cell phones, among other things.
- Animesque: The traced illustrations.
- Animorphism: Vampires can turn into bats and Charla can become a cheetah.
- Artistic License - Biology/Anatomically Impossible Sex: The entire sex scene. They turn their fluids into water, but wouldn't that affect their bodies? How can Dally even have love juices, let alone get pregnant, if she's a vampire? Her boobs wrapped around his wiener like bumblebees?
- Atomic F-Bomb: The further you dive into the story, the more frequent the cussing.
- And the more frequent you'll want to.
- Author Avatar: Dally.
- Barbie Doll Anatomy: Mystique.
Jut then Mystique came out of the fire she was naked but she didn’t have nipples.
- Bastard Boyfriend/Domestic Abuse: Hiei smacks Dally a few times, and is hinted at being capable of doing far worse:
Dally began to get nervous… if hiei was high he was also gonna get violet and if he found Billy she would surely get the smackdown.
- Bears Are Bad News: It's a typo, but still...
They were greeted by a big wizard with a long white bear and a pointy hat and he said, “Come students, follow me to the great hall and we will eat and get you sorted!”
- Bi the Way: Professor Skellington.
“Well students there is nothing wrong with bean gay,” he said, “I am bisexual myself.”
- Hiei, who is dating Dally, had sex with Sasuke.
- Big "NO!": Link, when he sees Shadow burning to death.
- Bigger Is Better in Bed: Hiei. And yes, we get to hear a full description of his "wand," length in inches included.
- Body Horror: In addition to his Cruel and Unusual Death, Hagrid has multiple penises all over his body.
- In later chapters, this became a Once an Episode occurrence.
- Whenever someone's "face falls", or "jaw drops", their face or jaw is described as falling off. In one chapter, Dally's stomach is described as falling off (and she's pregnant at the time, to boot).
- Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: Chapter 15 - Harry and baby Shadow ride on horses, order McDonald's, go to see Wicked in Chicago and murder a random innocent Hufflepuff for no good reason.
- Break the Cutie: Bella. She gets raped, blamed for the whole thing, and then murdered. Keep in mind that Bella actually acts pretty kind from what little we see of her in this story.
- Breaking The "3rd" Wall: At one point, Dally literally looks up the story to reread a ripped up note. Clumsily Lampshaded by the narration.
- Broken Aesop: The story tries to push that there is nothing wrong with being homosexual, but aside from Jack Skellington, all of the characters who aren't straight are portrayed as villains, including the only actually canonically gay character in the fic- Dumbledore.
- But I Can't Be Pregnant!: “YOU CAME IN ME. I TOLD YOU YOU CAN GET PREGNANT EVEN FROM ANAL.”
- But We Turned The Semen Into Water
- Buxom Is Better: Dally's boobs just might be bigger than Hogwarts if the art of her is anything to go by. And everyone loves it.
- Camp Gay: Dumbledore and Sasuke.
- The Chosen One: Shadow Darkblood Yerameshi, the son of Dally.
- Chuck Cunningham Syndrome: Dally's Girl Posse and Draco completely vanish from the story right around the introduction of Lupin and Tonks.
- Clingy Jealous Girl: Bella is ticked off beyond repair at Edward because she thinks that he's cheating on her for Dally.
- Coitus Ensues: At the end of Chapter 3.
- Crazy Jealous Guy: Edward. He "grrs" if any male so much as talks to Dally, even ones of another species.
- Cruel and Unusual Death/Family-Unfriendly Death: Hagrid is killed by numerous wands stabbed through the "sausages" of his body, whatever those are. Note that Hagrid is merely given this treatment because he's Dumbledore's sex buddy.
- Dead Guy Junior: Baby Shadow.
- Dead Fic: Thank God.
- Dem Bones: Jack Skeleton... Er, Skellington.
- Dirty Old Man: Dumbledore.
- Distressed Dude: Dally's entire harem in Chapter 9 are kindapped and taken to Azkaban.
- Dude, Not Funny!: The author goes out of the way to be offensive. The groups of people she's offended include but are probably not limited to: homosexuals, Jews, black people, the mentally and physically disabled, women, men, all humans ever, etc. The remarks she makes in being offensive are often attempts at humour, which makes it worse.
- Dying to Be Replaced: Shadow, for Dally's child. He's even born the same chapter as Shadow's funeral.
- Enemy Mine: Edward and Hiei must put aside their differences and fuse to become "Platinum Billy" to save Hogwarts.
- Enfant Terrible: Baby Shadow.
It was chosen one and now it will kiss us all… because when demons and vampires mix it produces a hellspawn that is evillest at its core.
- Everybody Laughs Ending: In Chapter 13:
- Everyone Has Lots of Sex: Or, rather, two people have enough sex to count for everyone laving lots of sex.
(since there were no rules they had sex over one thousand times)
- Later on, the sexual references noticeably get more frequent.
- Evil Matriarch: Mystique, starting in Chapter 7.
- Exactly What It Says on the Tin: The main characters definitely face some very strange occurrences.
- Express Delivery: Dally gives birth not too long after she discovers her pregnancy, which is not too long after she initially conceived. Might be justified by the fact that it's the son of a demon and a mutant vampire witch.
- Face-Heel Turn: Mystique decides to work with Dumbledore for some reason in Chapter 7.
- Edward does as well in Chapter 11 due to being sick of Dally's cockblocking, but then switches back later without any explanation.
- Fantasy Contraception: The whole "turning-semen-into-water" shtick.
- Freudian Slip: As is almost always guaranteed in any Rouge Angles of Satin fic. The most hilarious of these occurs at the end of Chapter 2, right before Dumbledore reveals his true nature.
Edward grred, his sences were tingling… that something was not wrong.
- Forgotten Fallen Friend: Shadow is pretty much brought up only once after his death a chapter or two later, and then never again.
- Fusion Dance: Edward and Hiei fuse to become... Billy Martin.
- Gainax Ending: It initially had No Ending, but was given one in the very belated twenty-first chapter, which was posted five years after the last one. Among other things, it involves the main characters encountering Barack Obama and J. K. Rowling and, in the final scene, transforming into My Little Pony characters. Of course, by that point, it's only marginally weirder than the rest of the fic.
- Girl Posse: Charla, Annie, and Meagan for Dally. They're all pretty much interchangeable.
- Goo Goo Godlike: Baby Shadow is The Chosen One, can talk and move almost immediately, has vampire powers, can read minds and communicate telepathically, creates portkeys out of midair...
- Gorn: Starting in Chapter 4 and spiraling downward from there.
- Groin Attack: Dally rips off Snape's dick and throws it out the window.
- Grossout Fic
- Harem Seeker: Dally, despite claims contradicting it.
- Harmful to Minors: Dally has no problem dropping Atomic F Bombs in front of little Shadow.
- Hate Fic: Possibly for Harry Potter, or at least the main Canon. Snape is a lustful rapist, Dumbledore is a rapist and pedophile, Lupin and Tonks have no personality beyond having sex, Harry is a prejudicial druggie... The list goes on and on.
- Hedgehog On Fire
- Heel-Face Turn: Edward after the Time Skip. It's never explained why.
- Ho Yay: After Jack asks Edward to take Snape's place as a teacher:
Edward was shocked and aroused.
- At the end of the same chapter, although this time invoked intentionally:
“WHAT THE HELL HIEI” shouted Dally, “Do you like him??”
“I don’t think so,” said Hiei, “It was kinda hott though…”
- When Sasuke mentions that Edward and Hiei must come together to save Dally, he compares them to Harry's mother and father. Oh, Crap!
- Then there's Sasuke's reaction to the result of the fusion.
“Omg…” said Sasuke, “That’s SO wrong… but sooo hot!”
- Hufflepuff House: The Trope Namers themselves. The only time the house is referenced by name is when Harry kills a Hufflepuff to show baby Shadow spells.
- Hypocrite: Dally calls Bella easy, but Bella has never been shown to screw a man other than Edward willingly (she had no clue that Snape wasn't Edward as she was blinded by a bag) both in Twilight and this fic. Dally, however, had no problem having sex with Hiei thousands of times and still considers Edward her property.
- Further driven into the ground when Edward reveals he had sex with Bella before. Dally is ticked because she wanted to be Edward's first partner... After she cheated on him for Hiei.
- The main gang sans Dally discovers Hagrid dead with "wands coming out of all the sausages of his body" and are absolutely disturbed that someone would do such a thing to Hagrid. Moments before, they were plotting to give his sexual partner Dumbledore the slowest and most painful death possible.
- If I Can't Have You: Edward did NOT take Dally choosing Hiei well. Though, in her defense, he murdered his last girlfriend.
- Ikea Erotica: The Hiei and Dally sex scene.
- Insane Troll Logic/Logical Fallacies: For some reason, being a vampire means that Edward is amazing at potion-making. It Makes Just as Much Sense in Context.
- This little gem from Shadow's funeral:
- And another bit from Chapter 11:
She looked in the keyhole and on the wndow and she was gunna check under the carpet… but it reminded he of shadow.
- Basically the entire plot, actually, but how about this one, just prior to the Fusion Dance?
“Its because… remember how Harrys mom and dad saved him through love?” he answered
“Well… it’s the same here. We need two people who love Dally the most to savor her… and mix together.”
- Instant Birth, Just Add Water: Dally has her son immediately after her water breaks.
- It's All About Me: The entire world must revolve around Dally. She can have sex with whoever she pleases, but if one of "her men" does it with another woman before they do it with her (even if they've been dating said woman for a long time), that's just sick, those jerks.
- Jerk Ass: Edward in this fic makes the original Edward look exactly like the gentleman Meyer intended him to be.
- Jerk Ass Has A Point: Hiei (who is mainly a Jerk Ass for only wanting Dally to have mutant powers pretty much) in Chapter 5:
“WELL YOU WOULD KNOW,” said Hiei, “YOU FUCKED BELLA… AND HTEN YOU KILLED HER.”
- Karma Houdini: Edward, Dally, and Link murder Bella and Snape, the former of which was notably innocent. They get off without any charges.
- In fact, Edward is hired to replace Snape as a teacher after the fiasco.
- Killed Off for Real: Shadow, Bella, Snape, and Hagrid.
- Large Ham: Everyone, but Mystique whenever she talks to Hiei deserves a special mention.
“Yes it is I,” she smocked, “You really think you would get aware that easy?? DYMBLEDORE AND I ARE WOKING TOGETHER NOW!! HAHAHAHA!”
- Life Embellished: Dally is a self-insert, and the author uses her to represent herself.
- Loads and Loads of Characters: A new one is introduced practically each chapter, and the author can't even seem to keep them straight.
- Love Dodecahedron: Edward loves Bella, but he also wants Dally. Hiei wants Dally, but he also shows interest in Sasuke. Dally wants Hiei, but also wants Edward and Bill, who wants her as well. Shadow wants Dally as well. The rest can be pretty much summed up as, "every male wants Dally."
- Love Triangle: Although everyone wants Dally to have their babies, Edward and Hiei are the main two competing with each other.
- Broken up later with Bill.
- Massive Multiplayer Crossover
- Master of the Mixed Message: Dally wants Hiei, and Edward has Bella! No, Dally deserves Edward, and Bella needs to die! Wait, no- Edward is clingy, Hiei should be for Dally! Hold it- Hiei impregnated Dally, so he's a jerk and she should be Edward's. But wait- Edward did it with Bella before Dally, so he's a horrible person and Hiei is Dally's one and only! But no- Edward didn't have sex with Bella after all, so he and Dally are together. Nope- Dally is with Hiei since she is having his baby, so Edward shouldn't do it with her!
- Meet Cute: Attempted and pulled off clumsily. Dally first spots Hiei selling candy on the Hogwarts Express. He goes to sell some for her, but is instantly infatuated and gives the candy to her for free.
- Mega Crossover: Twilight, Harry Potter, YuYu Hakusho, Sonic the Hedgehog, X-Men, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Legend of Zelda, Naruto... And that's just the first few chapters.
- Mind Screw: The entire story. ALL OF IT.
- Moment Killer: In Chapter 2, Mystique offers Hiei mutant powers if he marries Dally. Dally, who was so certain that Hiei was hers before, now thinks that she might want Edward instead despite the fact that she had never shown interest beyond friendship in him before and that he's already dating Bella.
- Morning Sickness: Dally, of course.
- My Girl Is a Slut: Dally, even though she believes Bella is one.
- Finally admitted in Chapter 18:
“you must think long and hard… like my dick
” said Edward then laughed then stopped cause it wasn’t funny because actually dally probably effed everyone and was loose as a bag.
- N-Word Privileges: Harry on drugs, apparently. Combined with Precision F-Strike.
“Nigga FUCK no,” said Harry
- Never My Fault: Dally. Edward thinks she's cheating on him for Hiei? Hiei is a jerk! Dally encourages Edward to murder Bella? She deserved it! Dally gets pregnant? It's all Hiei's fault!
- Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: Dally is a witch, a mutant, and a vampire. Shadow is a hedgehog and a wizard. And let's not get started on Hiei's and Dally's son.
- No Indoor Voice: If you took a shot every time something was typed in ALL CAPS, you'd be hung over within a chapter. Here are some examples from Chapter 1 alone:
YES COME IN” yelled Edward, he wanted a distraction.
“THANK YOU!” said Dally.
“I SAID ENOUGH GOD DAMMIT” shouted the Proffessor
- "Not If They Enjoyed It" Rationalization: Snape raping Bella, and Bella thinking it was Edward banging her. Apparently, this makes her deserve to be killed.
- Off Model: Each page has an illustration or two to go with it. Most of these pictures are either screenshots from an actual show or movie, stock art (such as a bizarre one of a random guy in a body bag in one of the last chapters), or blatantly traced art of Dally and her crew or her baby. Much of this art varies wildly in style, but most notable is Edward, who has both an orange-haired Animesque traced illustration and images from the actual LIVE ACTION Twilight movies.
- It doesn't help that the character biographies have both official art or photographs of the characters and the traced art, further highlighting the tackiness.
- On the Next: At the end of Chapter 20- hilariously enough, the final chapter.
- One Shadow Limit: Averted, which makes it confusing when reading about this trainwreck of a story, especially since the author mixes up names all the time.
- Our Werewolves Are Different: They apparently have a short memory span.
- Our Vampires Are Different: They don't sparkle, have fangs, and at one point Edward even turns into a bat. As terrible as the fic is, she still somehow gets vampires more close to the traditional portrayal than Twilight.
- Parental Neglect: Dally has no problem letting her baby gnaw on rattlesnakes and leaving him home alone for long periods of time. She acts shocked when she comes how to find him gone. Lampshaded in this line:
“I think we should go home and check on my baby now. I know he can take care of himself but I think Prof Maconagle will call Child Protection Servises on my asshole.”
- Patchwork Kids: Up to Eleven and Serial Escalation Shadow Darkblood Yerameshi has red and black hair streaks and vampire powers like Dally, but also white hair streaks and deep red eyes like Hiei.
- Power Gives You Wings: Annie, but we never see her in action.
- Power Perversion Potential: Using magic to turn semen into water counts. As does Dally's brilliant idea to use her powers to turn things into "kinky sexy toys".
- Precision F-Strike: This gem from Chapter 2:
“oh my fucking christ” she said, “I can turn into whatever I want with mustiques powers!”
- Pregnant Badass: Attempted and failed with Dally. She's portrayed as selfless for staying behind to give birth all by herself while the men she loves so much march into battle, but really she just comes off as selfish and whiny as usual, especially since this is right after she snaps at Edward for trying to bang her despite her saying he needed to and Hiei for sleeping with Sasuke.
- Raging Stiffie: Hiei in the lead up to the sex scene:
“Hiei is that your wand?” she asked.
“No… that is my penis, Dally…” he said.
- As the story "unfolds," this becomes a common occurrence among pretty much everyone in the story with a dick.
- Random Events Plot: The only common threads in the plot are Dally's pregnancy and taking down Dumbledore. Throughout this time, the rest of the plot is all over the place. After baby Shadow is born, the author throws everything to the wall and hopes it sticks.
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: Dally, Hiei, and Shadow all have red eyes.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Up to Eleven! The last few chapters are practically illegible.
- Running Gag: Throughout the fic, various words are "misspelled" (clearly deliberately) as the names of various Pokémon.
- Satellite Love Interest: All of them. This quote from Chapter 1 summarizes it perfectly:
“So do you like that guy?” Edward asked.
“Of course, he gave me free food! He is very nice” Dally said happy.
- Scarf of Asskicking: The students of Hogwarts, not that they actually get any action in this fic.
- Schedule Slip: In October 2010, she posted a new chapter and claimed she was making a comeback. She didn't post another chapter until January 2014.
- Self-Insert Fic: The author's name is Dallas Dally Philpott. The main character's name is Dally.
- Shape Shifter: Mystique and — of course — Dally.
- Shotacon : Sasuke's twelve in the character guide. Considering that he's a walking embodiment of All Gays Are Promiscuous, you'd never guess just by reading the fic.
- Sixth Ranger: The main characters literally state that they are going to convince Sasuke to join their group for this reason.
- Stalker with a Crush: Edward, who is seen in two chapters spying on Dally when she kisses and later has sex with Hiei.
- Surprise Creepy: If you only read the first chapter and glance over the illustrations, it looks like a typical Tastes Like Diabetes wish-fulfillment Mary Sue story. Then, you continue through the story...
- Take That: From Chapter 5 (keep in mind they're trying to find Dumbledore):
First they checked American Engle, then they checked Wet Seal, then they checked Tifanny and Co-op, but they finally found him in the queerest of all stores… Holster.
- In Chapter 14, there is a completely random Dude, Not Funny! bit where Dallas insults a DeviantArt user by having her on television competing in the Special Olympics and describing her as ugly and "retarded."
- Talk Show: When Dally gets pregnant again, she appears on Maury. Yes.
- Teen Pregnancy: Dally, twice.
- That Makes Me Feel Angry: From the first chapter:
He thought she was very cute.
- We'd be hear all day if we listed all of the instances of this in reference to Hiei's and Dally's feelings for each other.
- Third-Option Love Interest: Bill.
- This Is Gonna Suck: Right in the first sentence, "Edward" is written as "Edwart." Heck, the clever capitalization of the title should be enough of a warning to turn back while you still can.
- Time Skip: After capturing Dumbledore.
- Too Dumb to Live: Harry Potter tells Professor Macnoggle about an attempted rape on him. Two instances of Too Dumb to Live ensue:
- Harry never specifies who did the violating.
- He does mention that the rapist was a male... So Umbridge ends up fired. What.
- At one point, Dally sees her baby chewing on rattlesnakes. Granted, he's a Goo Goo Godlike God-Mode Sue, but what sane mother would let their child do that?
- Took a Level in Jerkass: Dally in Chapter 7. Up until then, she was a Purity Sue who could do no wrong, but at least lived up to that title. At that point, she began to get protective of all her potential men, which ends up costing innocent Bella her life.
- Transformation Trauma: At the end of Chapter 19, Dally and Hiei experience this turning into vampires. But, wasn't Dally already a vampire?
- Troll Fic: Considering how it quickly devolves into strangeness (most notably the Hiei and Edward Fusion Dance) and the Rouge Angles of Satin count grows each chapter, it is very possible that it is indeed a troll. However, there are pictures on the site of the author, so it's up in the air and will likely never be resolved unless Dallas comes out and admits it either way.
- Even if it is a Troll Fic, it's literally painful to read.
- It is, indeed, a Troll Fic. The author intentionally wrote it to be the worst Fan Fic ever made.
- And then Dally apparently decided to take a page from Jo Bel and deleted her admission of being a troll, so who knows?
- Un Explained Recovery: Dumbledore explodes when Dally headbutts him into his phoenix. He shows up at Hollister completely unharmed a few chapters later.
- Unlucky Childhood Friend: According to the biographies, Edward has been friends with Dally since preschool.
- Unusual Euphemism: At one point, Dally starts using "effed" to mean having sex.
- Unusually Uninteresting Sight/What Measure Is a Non-Human?: Apparently, Sonic the Hedgehog characters going to Hogwarts is not out of the ordinary.
- Unwanted Harem: Subverted. Dally claims she doesn't want all these guys fawning over her, but she clearly does.
- Walking Shirtless Scene: Sasuke in Chapter 7 is barged in on half-naked. Of course, it's never specified which half is covered, and considering that this fic hasn't steered clear of genitalia descriptions before...
- What the Hell, Hero?: If you're really still rooting for Dally after she rips off Snape's "wiener" and roots for Edward to slaughter innocent Bella, you need help.
- World of Ham
- X Meets Y: Brewdening Love meets My Immortal... on drugs.
- Yandere: Post-Face-Heel Turn Edward.