Many quotes attributed to Abraham Lincoln seem to indicate that he was quite effective with the snark. Some examples:
During The American Civil War, the general-in-chief was not moving as quickly as Lincoln wanted. Said Lincoln:
"If General McClellan does not want to use the army, I would like to borrow it for a time."
McClellan was no fan of Lincoln and hated the constant dispatches ordering the general do something. At one point McClellan telegraphed to headquarters that his army had captured some cows and inquired what the army should do with them. Lincoln reportedly telegraphed back "Milk 'em, George."
General John Pope often signed his dispatches with "Headquarters: on his saddle".
"His headquarters are where his hindquarters ought to be."
A famous (but likely apocryphal) quote about General Ulysses S. Grant, when some members of the military called him a drunkard:
"Well, I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals."
Aisha. She was one of the greatest scholars of her time and took no shit from anyone up to and including Allah's Messenger. Muhammad had a little of this in him too, some anecdotes of their marriage are quite funny and touching.
General Anthony McAuliffe famously responded to a German request for surrender during the Seige of Bastogne, during the Battle of the Bulge during World War II, with one word: Nuts.
Rep. Anthony Weiner, seen here questioning the constitutionality of a Senate bill by reading out loud from a children's book entitled House Mouse, Senate Mouse, stating "perhaps if these were the rules that the Republicans had to follow, it's a much thinner book and it rhymes, maybe you'd get it right..."
There's also his interview with Fox News, where, after devolving into a shouting match with Megyn Kelly, he gives a sarcastic thumbs-up and states, "Great interview, aces!"
With Weiner gone from Congress for...well, showing his weiner, Peter DeFazio of Oregon has taken over the role of liberal snarker-in-chief. Just check this video. Ed Markey of Massachusetts is also no slouch - being the Democrats' top voice on energy policy gives some great snark opportunities.
Australia. Australian national humor is best described as "horrifying fallacies delivered with a straight face to foreigners."
This seems to be a bit of a theme among Commonwealth nations. Canadians enjoy this too, as illustrated by ''Talking to Americans'', whose Crowning Moment of Awesome was perhaps getting then-presidential candidate George W. Bush to accept an endorsement from "Canadian Prime Minister Jean Poutine".
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Not that America doesn't have its own stereotypes and can have just as much fun with non-Americans who believe them. A common question asked, "Do you have a gun?" "Not since the cops took it from me when I was six."
Even within America, there are plenty of stereotypes to play with. Not all of them are geographical in nature, either - subcultures such as homeschoolers or various religious groups find a lot of sterotypes and misconceptions about them. Like "So do you have any friends?"
Californians have a lot of fun with questions like, "Do you live next to movie stars?" and "Do you go to the beach everyday?".
Meanwhile, if you meet someone from Texas who acts like the stereotypical Texan(loudmouthed, bombastic, and jingoistic to a tee), then they're probably fucking with you and having a good laugh while they're at it.
Alaskans tend to respond to "Do you ride dog sleds to get around?" with "Not since we invented snow mobiles."
The home nations of the United Kingdom have great fun with this. Northern Irishmen enjoy pretending they are either IRA psychos or ex-UVF. Scots have fun convincing foreigners (Americans are very prone to this) that "the haggis" is an actual creature, rather than being derived from sheep. Welshmen are all singing, hill-climbing miners for the tourists, and plenty of English people enjoy making aristocratic, tea-drinking pretensions.
Ayn Rand is generally stereotyped as having No Sense of Humor, but in Real Life, while she because she believed that it was often used as a confession of moral cowardice, she made it a point to distinguish that sort of "malevolent humor" with "benevolent"—when the joke is building up good while tearing down evil and/or hypocrisy. As such, she loved to deal some snark in her lectures. Her reply upon being asked what inspired the sex scenes in her books? "Wishful thinking."
Not to mention when a concierge told her that her taxi hadn't arrived and that she might have to hitchhike: "Shall I show some leg?"
"So when Brian Williams is asking me about what's a personal thing that you've done [that's green], and I say, you know, 'Well, I planted a bunch of trees.' And he says, 'I'm talking about personal.' What I'm thinking in my head is, 'Well, the truth is, Brian, we can't solve global warming because I fucking changed light bulbs in my house.'"
His ability to remain deadpan is impressive here - at this point, he had just authorized the attack that would kill Bin Laden. He doesn't show a hint of nervousness. Indeed, he even works in a self-referential in-joke when taking aim at Donald Trump.
The Beatles, particularly in their early days, were known to be quite snarky and quick-witted in interviews, which came across as a breath of fresh air following a generation of overly earnest, overly polite and slightly dull so-called "rock" musicians. Of the four, John Lennon was probably the snarkiest:
Reporter: Can you sing something for us? John Lennon: No, we need money first.
Reporter: Why does it [Beatles music] excite the fans so much? John Lennon: If we knew we'd form another group and be managers.
After returning from America
Reporter: I hear that by the end of the year you will all be millionaires!
George Harrison: That's nice.
Reporter: Do you think you know what you're going to do with the money? George Harrison: What money?
On an early Australian tour, after John Lennon denied that any of the Beatles or their manager had become millionaires yet, the interviewer asked where all the money went. Lennon began to explain that much of it went to "Her Majesty" (in taxes) when George Harrison interrupted with: "She's a millionaire."
Lennon's most famous snark, arguably, from A Hard Day's Night regarding the boys' U.S. tour:
Reporter: How did you find America? Lennon: Turned left at Greenland.
Lennon's controversial 'Bigger Than Jesus' quote was really a bit of snark directed toward all the hype surrounding the Beatles; i.e., that the media was making them a bigger story than they really deserved to be.
Benjamin Disraeli was up there with Churchill. Upon being told that he would die either by hanging or of some dreadful disease, he responded "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
That wasn't Disraeli. That was a radical MP called John Wilkes (a distant relative of John Wilkes Booth for whom Booth was named).
His response to a bigoted member of the House of Commons: "Yes, I am a Jew. And while the honorable gentleman's ancestors were distant savages on an unknown island, mine were priests in the Temple of Solomon."
He was also known as a writer, leading one would-be writer to send him a manuscript. His reply was "I shall waste no time reading it."
Bill Hicks. Especially funny when you consider he was close friends with Sam Kinison, the absolute antithesis of deadpan.
Star Trek fans are often startled by the contrast between the innocence of Data and the incredibly deadpan snark of Brent Spiner.
Former U.S. President Calvin"Silent Cal"Coolidge. During a dinner, a guest (Dorothy Parker—no slouch herself in the snark department—according to some accounts) informed him she had taken a bet that she couldn't get him to say more than two words that whole night. His response? "You lose."
A conversation turned to Soviet Russia and became quite heated. President Cal, hanging back as usual. His wife, Grace, tried to defuse the situation by asking, "Now, what dressing would everyone prefer on their salad? Italian or Catalina?" Coolidge answered mildly, "I'll take the one that isn't Red."
His wife was once too sick to join him at church, so when he got back from services, she asked him about the sermon:
Captain (Doctor) Gilbert, a US Army psychologist who repeatedly interviewed the defendants at Nuremberg and proceeded to snark about them in his published diary, i.e:
If there ever had been any respectable purpose behind his activities, von Ribbentrop seemed to have forgotten what it was and was hoping that someone would tell him.
... the defeated and disgraced Nazi war criminals, facing death, pass judgment on von Paulus, as if deciding that they would not hire a man like that for the next war.
Writer Camilo José Cela was a Deadpan Snarker in his public persona, not only using rude words in a time when they were all but unheard in public appearances of celebrities (and very cleverly, but unfortunately hard to translate), and always keeping a straight face.
A very good snark, courtesy of Cela, took place in the Spanish Senate. Cela was appointed senator in the first post-Franco democratic administration (at that time, the King had the right to directly appoint some senators; Cela was one of those). One day, there was some senator giving a rather boring speech, and Cela fell asleep in his seat. The Head of the Senate saw him, and scolded him publically:
Head of the Senate: Honorable Senator Cela! You are asleep! Cela: (Opening one eye) No, Your Honor; I am sleeping. Head of the Senate: That's the same thing! Cela: No, Your Honor; it isn't, just like "to be screwed" is not the same as "to be screwing".
Keith Olbermann, going back to his days at ESPN: " is on the disabled list with a groin pull. His own we hope."
ESPN days nothing, even when talking about politics (or rivalries with other commentary shows) he can be pretty snarky.
Keith: As an aside, Bill, who's this "we" you always talk about? You and Ann Coulter? You and your multiple personalities?
This is essentially comedian Dylan Moran's entire stage persona, and makes up the majority of his television and film roles.
On the subject of news coverage when there are shootings in the US:
Dylan Moran: And the news is going "How can this all happen? It's dreadful!" And I think "Well, you all have guns. And they do have a limited number of household applications. Unlike Californian wine, which can be used to clean submarines.
Japanese rocker Gackt is a weird version of this. Instead of saying things that are sarcastic or cutting, he instead says things that are deliberately absurd, nonsensical, or lewd, but always with a straight face. One particularly infamous joke has led some fans to think that he seriously believes he's a 496 year old vampire.
George Orwell had his dry wit, with saying like "it seems, that in modern political discourse in England, Fascism means 'everything I don't like'", "Sometimes the first duty of intelligent men is the restatement of the obvious", "Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it" and this particular gem:
"No one I met at this time — doctors, nurses, practicantes, or fellow-patients — failed to assure me that a man who is hit through the neck and survives it is the luckiest creature alive. I could not help thinking that it would be even luckier not to be hit at all."
George S. Patton, in at least one instance. After capturing the German city of Trier, he received a message from Eisenhower telling him to bypass the city as it would take too many men (four divisions) to capture. He responded, "Have taken Trier with two divisions. What do you want me to do? Give it back?"
Woman on the street (during WWI): "Mr. Chesterton, why aren't you out at the front?"
Chesterton: "Madam, if you go around to the side, you will see that I am."
"The Christian Ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried."
"Wee" Gordon Strachan, a Scottish football (soccer) manager is infamous for his snarks:
(*on difficult selection decisions) Strachan: Listen, I'm not worried about that. There's a yoghurt, in my fridge, the expiry date's today. That's my priority, not Agustin Delgado.
Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?" Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]
Reporter:' When it's 1-nil, do you always feel there's chance of getting back in the game? Strachan: (*long pause) Yes, and when its five-nil I think there's no chance. Thank you for stating the obvious there, that was wonderful.
(*on Alex Ferguson calling him untrustworthy) Strachan: He used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too, and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted.
(*on being attacked in the street by hooligans) Strachan: It's always great fun getting attacked. One of the highlights of my career.
Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?" Strachan: "What areas? Mainly that big green one out there...."
Reporter: "Is that your best start to a season?" Strachan: "Well I've still got a job, so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure."
Reporter: "Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?" Strachan: "No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge."
Reporter: "Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?" Strachan: "You're spot on. You can read me like a book."
Reporter: "Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?" Strachan: "No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said: 'No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless.'"
Reporter: "There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?" Strachan: "Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick. Down negative man, down!"
Reporter: "You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?" Strachan: "I don't take stupid comments lightly either."
Reporter: "This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?" Strachan: "You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there."
King Harald V of Norway, especially in the deadpan department. He once opened an "informal" dinner at the royal palace with a suggestion that he should read the opening of the Storting (the dullest speech in Norwegian politics). The only thing that would tell you he was joking was the laughter from the politicians present.
Harry S Truman. While best known for his use of ah, colorful metaphors, Truman could deliver some precise one-liners that would rally his voting base and get the press chuckling. One of the many reasons for his surprise upset victory in 1948 was his snark, aimed at his Congressional opponents (the "Do-Nothing" Congress) and at newspaper editors who ignored the trends and predicted a Dewey victory.
"I never gave anybody hell. I just told the truth and they think it's hell."
Hipsters according to writer Christian Lorentzen. To quote the other wiki, he wrote, '"in their present undead incarnation," are "essentially people who think of themselves as being cooler than America," also referring to them as "the assassins of cool." He also criticizes how the subculture's original menace has long been abandoned and has been replaced with "the form of not-quite-passive aggression called snark."'
H. L. Mencken: A serious candidate for the snarkiest man who ever lived.
Jack Dee is the living embodiment of this trope. The man was born middle aged.
When asked about Electronic Arts' stance on the legal actions between Activision and InfinityWard, Jeff Brown responded, "We don't have the time to comment on the many lawsuits Activision files against its employees and creative partners."
When Bobby Kotick called out EA for not having a good relationship with their studios, Jeff Brown also sniped back thus: "Kotick’s relationship with studio talent is well-documented in litigation."
Jeremy Paxman, Britain's most famously belligerent interviewer, lives and breathes this trope. When presenting Newsnight, he once signed off a show with "...and that can be found on our website, along with our editor's pathetic pleas to send us in your bits of old home movie and whatnot so we can turn into the BBC's equivalent of Animals Do the Funniest Things". This is him signing off a straight-laced news show.
"Here it is, short of the usual folksy nonsense about clouds bubbling up and advice about wearing woolly socks. Eastern places will mainly avoid the rain, except for those that don't; western areas will be cloudy with rain except in those places that don't have rain"
"And finally, by popular demand, the second Newsnight weather forecast: take an umbrella with you."
Jhonen Vasquez has an extremely deadpan, macabre, and sarcastic sense of humor. Its really quite fascinating. He said once on his blog that he would do a fact each day about Invader Zim, and most of them were'nt even facts, but fake stories he made up, such as kids in a control group dying from how scary ZIM was, Richard Horvitz being drunk at work and screaming at everyone in his Dagget voice, and even a fake interview where Rikki Simmons (the guy who voiced GIR and Bloaty) where dark powers overcame him and he killed everyone in the room.
Canadian Father-of-Our-Country, Prime Minister Sir John A. Macdonald, lived and breathed this trope.
Well-Dressed Lady:(falls over, hoopskirt flies up) Sir John A.:(laughs his ass off) W.-D.L.:(pissed) I can see, sir, that you are no gentleman! Sir John A.: And I can see, madam, that neither are you.
He showed up in the House of Commons hung-over, threw up, and declared that comments made by the Leader of the Opposition had made him ill.
When caught embezzling money from the Canadian Pacific Railway? "I should never have put it in writing."
Or the other time he showed up in the House of Commons drunk: "Yes, but the people would still prefer John A. drunk to George Brown sober".
Original Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach John McKay might be the NFL's ultimate example of this trope, something he had plenty of opportunities to display considering it took nearly two full seasons for the team to pick up its first win — once quipping in response to a question on the execution of the Bucs' offense, "I'm in favor of it."
A close second to McKay might be New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who has become infamous for giving short, sarcastic quips whenever a reporter asks him a question that he is unwilling to elaborate on.
As mentioned in the live action TV section, Jon Stewart of The Daily Show is a snarker, but it's not just on The Daily Show either; his snarkiness is a major staple of his public persona elsewhere as well. For example, there's this "Crossfire" interview.
Carlson: I want to contrast our questions with some questions you asked John Kerry.
The fictional Stephen Colbert is an example, but the Real Life Stephen Colbert is an aversion — he's quick to smile and has a warm personality in contrast with his on-camera persona. Sometimes he has to struggle to keep his straight face on the show.
The man that Colbert parodies, Bill O'Reilly, is another example. When Jon Stewart took him out of context and snarked about how Bill is "looking out for a poor, dwindling minority", implying that that rich were who O'Reilly was talking about, O'Reilly turned it into an Insult Backfire with the following:
Stewart: I shouldn't poke fun. Bill's just standing up for a shrinking, exploited minority.
O'Reilly: "That's absolutely correct. I'm standing up for Americans with common sense. "
Louis XVI of France was once asked what he thought of republics. His response: "Well, I am a monarchist by profession."
Mahatma Gandhi. When asked his opinion on Western civilization, he once responded that it would be a good idea.
Mara Wilson has voiced weariness over snarky humor, and tries to avoid it whenever she can, but can provide it when the mood strikes or when dealing with particularly obnoxious Twitter trolls.
Marcus Tullius Cicero. Plutarch lists several of his snarky sayings, such as:
Publius Consta, who wanted to be a lawyer, but was ignorant and stupid, was once summoned by Cicero as witness in a case; and when he kept saying that he knew nothing, "Perhaps," said Cicero, "you think you are being questioned on points of law."
When Twain took issue with the glowing praise that author James Fenimore Cooper was receiving for his series known as The Leatherstocking Tales, the most well-known work being The Last of the Mohicans, Twain wrote an essay that starts by saying, "It seems to me that it was far from right for the Professor of English Literature in Yale, the Professor of English Literature in Columbia, and Wilkie Collins to deliver opinions on Cooper's literature without having read some of it." It gets snarkier from there.
Fox News' Megyn Kelly gives off a good one at Karl Rove during his denial tirade on Election Night '12:
Michael Gambon: Twenty-eight.note Actual age at time of interview: sixty-five.
Misha Collins. To a truly superhuman degree. Just read his Twitter. To wit: "If i want to be treated like a celebrity, i've got to start acting like one...from now on I'm going to twit more like @britneyspears. Just ducked into a Starbucks. Gotta get outta the sun, it's like 80 degrees!!!! Iced double-shot skinny lattes keep me going! Peace out!"
Mother Teresa once commented that she didn't know what she'd have to do in Heaven as there were no slums there.
Murray Gold, composer of the music from Doctor Who, was interviewed by the BBC after a concert event in 2008. He might be the patron saint of Deadpan Snarkers as seen here.
Turkish philosopher/wiseman Nasreddin Hodja (said to have lived sometime during the 13th century) became a legend because of his droll wit and willingness to play The Fool.
New Yorker's famous sarcasm sometimes fall into this category, almost unilaterally when dealing with tourists. One ad campaign by the city for the amusement of commuters had quips in print in advertisement spaces in subways, which fell into the overall category of "Overhead In New York". Example:
Tourist (waiting for a subway): Where's the train schedule? I don't see one anywhere. New Yorker: There isn't one. The trains just come. Tourist: What? You can't just stand around waiting for a train and not know when its going to arrive. New Yorker: Sure you can. (Train pulls in).
"For Mr Howard to get to the high moral ground, he would first need to climb out of the volcanic hole he had dug for himself over the last decade. It is like one of those diamond mine holes in South Africa. They are about a mile underground."
"He is the greatest job and investment destroyer since the bubonic plague."
"The thing about poor old Costello is he is all tip and no iceberg."
"I was implying that the Honorable Member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock - alive, but looking dead."
"It's like being flogged with a warm lettuce."
"I suppose the the Honourable Gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness."
"The Honorable Member has been in so many parties he is a complete political harlot."
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and husband of the British Queen also lives this trope (often in a very racist and politically incorrect way).
The Queen herself is generally known for her decorum and quiet dignity. Which makes lines like this all the funnier: "The Polish President only knows two English words." Beat. "They are quite interesting words."
Shopkeeper: You look awfully like the Queen.
Queen: How very reassuring.
Queen: (visiting a veterinary research institute): What's that?
Researcher: That's a cow's vagina, ma'am.
Queen: Well. Ask a silly question.
The British establishment practically breathes this trope. After a TV loudmouth called (in jest) for strikers to be shot, Downing Street said: "Executions are not government policy." When Nicolae Ceaucescu demanded a double-bed to be in every single piece of transportation he used for his state visit, a Foreign Office official wrote on a memorandum: "Mr Ceaucescu has thus far failed to specify the exact purpose of the double bed." When his son Nicu demanded a woman, the Foreign Office said: "purpose of woman also unspecified." When the Germans delayed Operation Sea Lion , Winston Churchill said: "We are waiting for the promised invasion. (Beat). So are the fishes."
Reese Witherspoon, period. When receiving her MTV Generation Award, she corrected Rob Pattinson on a failed joke he made:
"And, by the way, Rob, the punchline to your joke was: I played your mother, then we had a sex scene, so really you're the best motherfucker in Hollywood."
See her interviews for more snark.
Richard Lenski, a biologist conducting a 20 year experiment into evolution, published a paper where he shows that his team witnessed evolution happen in real time. Conservapedia founder Andrew Schlafly wrote him a letter accusing Lenski of either misunderstanding his own experiment or lying about the results, and demanded that Lenski hand over both the original data and a sample of the bacteria used in the study. Lenski's reply was a long letter in which he eviscerates Schlafly's position and slams him for his baseless accusations. A sample:
"If we made serious errors or misrepresentations, you would surely like to find them in those records. If we did not, then – as some of your acolytes have suggested – you might assert that our records are themselves untrustworthy because, well, because you said so, I guess."
Stand-up comedian Rich Hall is one of the most extreme examples of this trope, even when he is genuinely overjoyed about something, he still sounds incredibly sarcastic.
French privateer Robert Surcouf, who allegedly retorted to an Englishman who said that, while the French fought for money, the English fought for honour, "Everyone fights for what they lack the most."
Robert Downey, Jr.. seems to fit this pretty well. He's been cast in such roles because he does it so well. All the way back to his role as Derek in the 1986 movie, "Back to School". In fact, the scenes with Dangerfield and Downey are like watching a Master and his Protégé.
Speaking of which, though he was often appeared a bit exaggerated in his snarkiness much of the time, Rodney Dangerfield was still a master at delivering deadpan snark as well. Most just remember the more over the top style because that's what made him famous.
There's a great cameo for Rodney Dangerfield in an episode of Home Improvement. Dangerfield's character is extremely irritated by Tim's antics and this little exchange occurs:
Writer Sam Harris produces this regularly with what seems to be a highly trained poker face. He virtually never changed his expression during his speeches, in spite of all the audience laughter. Seeing that his is a very politically sensitive field, examples probably shouldn't be given here. YouTube his videos instead.
Oddly enough (and almost ironically), Spartans in real life, despite being intense Blood Knights and badasses are renowned for their startlingly Deadpan Snarker nature (laconic wit originated from them - Sparta is in the region called Laconia). Examples include King Demaratus's response to someone asking him who the most exemplary Spartan was: "He that is least like you.", and the Spartans' response to both Phillip II and Alexander the Great's threat that if they bring their army into their land and win the war, then it will mean Sparta's destruction. They replied with a one word response: "If." (Subsequently, both Phillip II and Alexander avoided Sparta entirely).
During the Battle of Thermopylae, the Spartans were told that the Persian arrows would be so thick as to blot out the sun. The Spartan response was: "Then we shall fight in the shade."
After the battle of Cunaxa, King Artaxerxes II of Persia asked the Greeks involved in the battle to surrender their weapons. The response of their Spartan commander Klearchos: "It is not the victors who lay down their arms."
Xenophon's Anabasis gives us this comment on preparations for festive games at Trapezos:
Spartan mercenary 1: How can we wrestle on ground as rocky and overgrown as this? Spartan mercenary 2: The one who gets thrown will get hurt a bit more.
Stephen Hawking is quite the smart-alec for a guy who has to talk through a computer. Inspiring, really.
Interviewer: With all your intense erudition, why do you bother writing pop-science books about the universe, the latest of which is the illustrated version of On the Shoulders of Giants? Stephen:I want my books sold on airport bookstalls.
Reportedly not a joke: he needed money to put his kids through college and decided to write the kind of book that would be sold at airport bookstands - the result was A Brief History of Time. His editor warned him that every equation in a book cuts sales in half, so he limited himself to including just a single equation in a book about the history of the universe. He felt he couldn't possibly avoid "e = mc^2" but worried that he could have sold twice as many books without it. Apparently he solved that problem by just writing more books.
Similarly, NFL Total Access host (and Scott's former SportsCenter cohort) Rich Eisen.
ESPN has always been a haven for deadpan snarkers, from Charley Steiner to Dan Patrick to (nowadays) Kenny Mayne.
On the podast side of ESPN, Fantasy Focus host Nate Ravitz and Behind the Dish host Keith Law are both very good at delivering snark.
Because their job is to at times listen to some seriously stupid court cases, Supreme Court Justices have been known to insert some snark into their decisions. Justice Antonin Scalia deserves special mention, since he is by far considered the snarkiest Supreme Court Justice of all time.
Justice Scalia: "We Justices must confront what is indeed an awesome responsibility. It has been rendered the solemn duty of the Supreme Court of the United States ... to decide What Is Golf."
Similarly, British judges, most notably the famous Baron Denning, Master of the Rolls between 1962 and 1982. Notably, both he and Scalia have said publicly they write their judgements for the benefit of the future generations of law students who will have to read them. His snark was, and is, legendary, and, despite being the epitome of an old and crusty conservative, he has a veritable cult of personality among British law students. in Miller v Jackson:
Lord Denning: On other evenings after work they [a cricket team] practise while the light lasts. Yet now after these 70 years a judge of the High Court has ordered that they must not play there [on a village green] any more. He has issued an injunction to stop them. He has done it at the instance of a newcomer who is no lover of cricket. This newcomer has built, or has had built for him, a house on the edge of the cricket ground which four years ago was a field where cattle grazed. The animals did not mind the cricket.
In Thornton v Shoe Lane Parking:
Lord Denning: The customer pays his money and gets a ticket. He cannot refuse it. He cannot get the money back. He may protest to the machine, even swear at it. But it will remain unmoved.
In Packer v Packer:
Lord Denning: What is the argument on the other side? Only this, that no case has been found in which it has been done before. That argument does not appeal to me in the least. If we never do anything which has not been done before, we shall never get anywhere. The law will stand whilst the rest of the world goes on; and that will be bad for both.
In Ex Parte Hook:
Lord Denning: The security officer reprimanded Harry Hook. We are not told the words used by the security officer. I expect they were in language which street traders understand. Harry Hook made an appropriate reply. Again, we are not told the actual words, but it is not difficult to guess. I expect it was an emphatic version of 'You be off'.
Lord Denning: The House of Commons starts its proceedings with a prayer. The chaplain looks at the assembled members with their varied intelligence and then prays for the country.
The Swiss make their Guards wear those funny-looking Baroque outfits because they're such Bad AssDeadpanSnarkers:
Asks the (post-Austrian Anschluss, but pre-World War II) Nazi officer to the Swiss general: "Really, how many Swiss could you resist us with?" Swiss general: "At full mobilization, I can have one million men and weapons at my command." Nazi: But what if five million troops came over the border? Swiss: Then I and my men would fire five shots each, and go home.
Just watch Taylor Swift's musical SNL monologue. You will believe a pop star can snark.
Terry Wogan — Irish commentor on British Eurovision, although he is actually Irish. He was replaced by another Munster man, Graham Norton, and both of them refered to the British entry as the first person plural.
Timothy Spall, who plays Wormtail in the Harry Potter films, is pretty snarky about the character. He once said he enjoyed playing Wormtail because "I'm a pin-up in pet shops all over London."
Tom Petty has been known to be a deadpan snarker on occasion. When once asked why he decided to tour with Bob Dylan, he said "Money." However, most of the time he seems to be pretty articulate.
After George Harrison was taken into hospital after being attacked in his home in 1999 (the attacker was subdued by Harrison's wife, Olivia, who hit the intruder with a lamp), Petty reportedly mailed Harrison a get-well-soon card with the message, "Aren't you glad you married a Mexican woman?".
Lady Astor: If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.
Bessie Braddock: You, sir, are drunk. Churchill: Yes. And you, Ma'am are ugly. But, in the morning, I shall be sober.
Minor Commons functionary, seeing octogenarian Churchill shuffling through the lobby: They say he's dotty, you know. Churchill: They say he's deaf, too.
George Bernard Shaw (on a telegram): Will send invitations for premiere. Bring a friend, if you have one. Churchill (On response): Will not be able to attend first night. Will attend second, if there is one.
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." (Sometimes called "Churchill's Commentary on Man")
Admit it. You've probably snarked your friends a few times.
"Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact—complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words—to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed."
Another fantastic judgement from a Canadian judge in Meads v Meads, who found himself so incensed by the freeman on the land pseudo-arguments put before him that he decided to address - and rip apart - their substance:
Associate Chief Justice of Alberta, J.D Rooke: I agree with Justice Sanderman’s succinct evaluation of Henry’s claims as “total gibberish"...
Rooke: There are allegedly secret but accessible bank accounts that contain nearly unlimited funds, if you know the trick to unlock their gates. You can transform a bill into a cheque with a stamp and some coloured writing. You are only subject to criminal sanction if you agree to be subject to criminal sanction. You can make yourself independent of any state obligation if you so desire, and unilaterally force and enforce demands on other persons, institutions, and the state. All this is a consequence of the fact gurus proclaim they know secret principles and law, hidden from the public, but binding on the state, courts, and individuals....And all these "secrets" can be yours, for a small payment.
Rooke: The bluntly idiotic substance of Mr. Mead’s argument explains the unnecessarily complicated manner in which it was presented.
A typical weapon in the arsenal of radio talk show hosts in general. Rush Limbaugh is an obvious example, but Neal Boortz arguably makes him look mild by comparison. Glenn Beck has been known to do this, too...though he usually prefers a more "goofy", Cloud Cuckoolander style of humor.
A vast majority of the British population uses sarcasm, although often to a more subtle degree than typically encountered elsewhere.
A vast number of political hecklers. Though not nearly as vast a number as those who think they are.
During the days of The Raj one Indian Noble when taking the Prince of Wales pigsticking, spotted him making an error that could have been fatal said, "I know you are Prince of Wales, and you know that you are Prince of Wales. But that boar doesn't know you are Prince of Wales."
During the Han Dynasty a general named Xiang Yu, captured hopeful-for-the-throne Liu Bang's father and sent Liu Bang an ultimatum: "Surrender or I will boil your venerable sire alive!" Liu Bang replied merely: "Send me a cup of the soup." (The father didn't end up boiled, in case you were wondering.)
The best thing was that they were sworn brothers before they became enemies. It only worked because Liu Bang knew Xiang Yu wouldn't dare kill his father.
German negiotiator to surrounded British commander of the troop holding the bridge at Arnhem, 1944: "We come to arrange a surrender." Brit officer: "I'm afraid we don't have the facilities to take you all prisoner. Was there anything else?"
In general, hardcore workaholics and people with a lot of unresolved emotional baggage often become this later in life.
Considering that he flunked out of art school, well...
Josef Stalin lived and breathed sarcasm, seldom at the appropriate moment. His reaction upon hearing of his son's attemted suicide: "He can't even shoot straight." Even Churchill, arguably the ultimate Deadpan Snarker conceeded that Stalin had a "redeeming sense of humour", despite hating the man.
Most of Muammar al Gaddafi's Little Green Book is, like the man himself, incomprehensibly insane but some say that a lot of it is actually written very sarcastically.
[Pope John Paul's] polytheistic hankerings were dramatically demonstrated in 1981 when he suffered an assassination attempt in Rome, and attributed his survival to intervention by "Our Lady of Fatima." A maternal hand guided the bullet. One cannot help wondering why she didn't guide it to miss him altogether. Others might think the team of surgeons who operated on him for six hours deserved at least a share of the credit, but perhaps their hands too were maternally guided. The relevant point is that it wasn't just "Our Lady" who in the Pope's opinion guided the bullet, but specifically Our Lady of Fatima. Presumably Our Lady of Lourdes, Our Lady of Guadeloupe, Our Lady of Medjugorje, Our Lady of Akita, Our Lady of Zeitoun, Our Lady of Garabandal, and Our Lady of Knock, were busy on other errands at the time.
Richard Dawkins' best snark came when someone said that evolution is "just a theory": "Gravity is a theory. It is also a fact. Anyone who disagrees is invited to jump out a ten story window."
Bill Maher: You were talking about Mitt Romney, who was the Mormon candidate for president, and Al said, "as for the one Mormon running, those that really believe in God will defeat him anyway." Now for a guy who's tried to bring so many other people down for inappropriate statements, what do you make of that?
Bill: Why doesn't [God] just obliterate the devil, and therefore get rid of evil in the world?
Jesus impersonator: He will.
Bill: He will? Then what's he waiting for?
Oh No They Didn't often falls into this, the second most snarkiest community outside of here.
One Union Naval officer during the American Civil War, upon seeing the specs to the Monitor said, "Take it down and worship it. It will not be idolatry. It is the image of nothing in heaven above, or in the earth beneath, or in the water under the earth"