"Hallo there, my name is Hans von Hozel.
I like to write stories to make an improve of my English.
Please read and enjoy! :)"
"I had idea when one day, I going in Berlin. Suddenly, everything in English! I could not understand it. It was like it in another language, so I make English and do stories in it. : D"Hans von Hozel is one of many writers on Fan Fiction Dot Net, though his original account and fanfics are no longer on the website, having been removed by the site without explanation. Probably the most notable thing about Hans' collection of fics is that he had a fic for just about everything. Well, maybe not everything, but chances are if there's a huge fanbase (e.g. Twilight), there will be a fic for that sooner or later. Although, the plot might not have to do with the storyline at all...You can find a steadily-building archive of his old work here. Additionally, his new account is available here, though it hasn't been nearly as prolific as his old account was.
— Hans von Hozel
Hans von Hozel's works provide examples of:
- Anyone Can Die: Most of his fics end on a melancholy note. For example: he kills all of the Ninja Turtles and Splinter in his story Ninja Turtles and in his Doctor Who fic, the Doctor gets eaten by raptors.
- Artistic License – Astronomy: in Werewolves, executives on earth successfully harpoon the sun.
- In his Hannah Montana fanfic, a lunar eclipse causes the sun to appear in the middle of the night.
- Artistic License – Biology:
- Artistic License – Nuclear Physics: "Suddenly, his potion solution constructed nuclear in its half life and opened up a black wormholee!!!!!!"
- Author Vocabulary Calendar: Many of his fanfics use "danube" as a verb.
- Baleful Polymorph: The vampires in Twilight are turned into bats.
- Black Comedy Rape: In his Titanic (1997) fanfiction, the iceberg rapes the ship itself.
- "Blind Idiot" Translation: His stories are like this.
- Burn the Witch!: Jake in Nefarious Fauxpod Fanfic 4.
- Butterfly of Doom: Doctor Who has a time travel related accident with a feather duster which causes the world's population to turn into dinosaurs... who eat The Doctor... and conquer the world...
- Catch-Phrase: His usage of "Danube" as a verb, usually to indicate someone or something moving.
- "Liverpool" for the Beatles.
- Colony Drop: The Moon at the end of Pearl Harbor, after it tries to bring everyone America exiled back to Earth.
- Crack Fic: Many of his works fall into this category.
- Crossover"One day, Naruto was sit on a beach.It was many suns in the sky.Suddenly, Vegeta!"
- Darker and Edgier: Pikachu gets made into a coat by Team Rocket, causing Ash to kill himself, Mary Poppins gets hit by an airplane while flying with her umbrella, Alice accidentally poisons herself when she drinks from the "Drink Me" bottle, just to name a few of the fates of famous popular characters.
- Department of Redundancy Department:"It is good to have House House!" say House, as he walk into House House.
- Deus Ex Nukina: "Dragon Droppings":"Oh no!" said Obama, "The feces are spreading outside the wall of the city! We must use nuke!"
So he pressed a button and nuke city, which killed the dragon and evaporated all of the fecals.
The world of celebration, for dragon to gone!
- Die for Our Ship: Invoked in Valentine's Day, Harry sets a dragon on Ron so he can have Hermione for himself.
- Disproportionate Retribution: In Pikachus Umbrella, Pikachu is locked in a prison cell for all eternity for stealing a TV set.
- Driven to Suicide: Ash, Misty, and Brock in one of the Pokemon fanfics.
- The Dog Bites Back: "The animals had had enough of being used by Panda, and gave humans location."
- Don't Like, Don't Read: He used this in his NUMB3RS fic when he rehosted it (it had been reported and deleted).
- Downer Ending: A rare humorous example can be found in nearly everything he writes.
- Eat the Rich: in Phanton of the Opera, the Phantom kills all the rich people at the opera and the poor rejoice but then he kills all the poor people too.
- Eldritch Abomination: Missingno is portrayed as this, being able to make the world glitch out by its very presence.
- Face–Heel Turn: Superman in Smallville.
- Flash Fiction: Most of his works are quite short.
- Good Is Boring: Lex Luthor says this to Superman in Smallville.
- Genre Shift: Axis Powers Hetalia and The Room abruptly turn to sci-fi in midstream.
- Hypocritical Humor: In the summary for his The Room fic, he mentions that he thinks the movie must be a joke because it's not very good.
- I Am Not Shazam: He seems to think that the protagonist of Kung Fu Panda is named "Panda".
- Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: Private Ryan in his Saving Private Ryan fanfic gets kicked out of the army for being ridiculously horrible at shooting things.
- Incredibly Lame Pun: Yugi becomes an Yu-Gi-Oh! card in Card Quest.
- In-Name-Only: His works often do this almost literally, since some only reference the title of the work they are based on.
- His Gravitation and The Day After Tomorrow fics are particularly blatant examples.
- His Rush Hour fic is actually about the board game of the same name.
- Also, his Across the Universe fics are essentially about wars between the Beatles (who can only say "Liverpol") and ABBA.
- His The Big Bang Theory fic is about the literal Big Bang.
- In the Style of...: If one is very charitable, Glitch City is Pokémon in the style of Metal Gear Solid 2.
- Intentional Engrish for Funny: Most likely.
- Kill 'em All:
- Lighter and Softer: "Ok so I saw a horrible scary movie call The Human Centipede and is was horrible but I make this version where it is not so scary and of the happy ending!"
- Money to Throw Away: In Eurovision Song Contest 2010 Switzerland makes gold rain from the ceiling. This somehow fixes Greece's economy.
- Murder the Hypotenuse: See the comment for Die for Our Ship about the Harry Potter story Valentine's Day.
- Pastiche: His... distinctive style has inspired these from other authors, particularly by way of The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge.
- Pokémon Speak: The Beatles can only say "Liverpol".
- Produce Pelting:
- Pyrrhic Villainy: The iceberg in the Movie/Titanic fic gets to rape and sink the titanic, but then melts upon touching the water.
- Real-Person Fic: And in a site where it's supposedly forbidden, although it's sometimes a result of confusion caused by I Am Not Leonard Nimoy and The Danza. This doesn't stop reviewers from threatening to report him, though.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: His TRON fanfic is listed as a Troy fanfic.
- Saying Sound Effects Out Loud: In Spain Wins the World Cup the referee says "Toot."
- Shock and Awe: One of his stories ends with Thomas the Tank Engine blown up by a bolt of lightning from Electric Train.
- Stealth Parody/Poe's Law: Everything by him is probably this. We hope.
- Though given that the original account did slowly improve in grammar, and many of the errors could conceivably come from German being poorly translated into English, maybe not. If he's not legit, he's better than most Troll Fic authors, who tend to make their work even worse as it goes on.
- Tempting Fate: Edward in Twilight:"It good thing it night time" say Edward, "Becuase Vampires can no do the sunlight."
- In Pearl Harbor, America comments on how peaceful it is in Pearl Harbor. Cue, well...
- Together in Death: Edward and Bella both turn into dust in Twilight, the latter doing so when she puts her hand on the dust.
- Troll Fic: His works.Hans: "I had idea when one day, I going in Berlin. Suddenly, everything in English! I could not understand it. It was like it in another language, so I make English and do stories in it. : D"
- He has received a tribute in Troll Fic form.
- The Unintelligible: In Hans's fics, The Beatles can only say "Liverpol".
- Who's on First?: "One day, House was walk into his House."
- Woman Scorned: in Benjamin Button, Daisy has the deaged-to-fetus Benjamin Button aborted despite him not being inside anyone's uterus at the time as revenge after Benjamin has the gall to dump her.
- You Keep Using That Word:
- As mentioned, he seems convinced that the word "Danube" is a rather vaguely-defined verb.
- He also likes to take verbs and change them to "make a (verb)ing". For example, from the fanfiction Strawberry Fields Forever:"LOOK!" shout Fans, "THE BEATLES ARE MAKING A STEALING!"
- He also thinks that the plural of "broom" (which he consistently spells "Brom", and uses as if it were a name) is "bromine". "Brom", however, is German for "bromine" he seems to have the two confused. Bromine just so happens to be a periodic element; an odd thing to get confused with a broom of the sweeping kind.