- A blonde woman is riding on a two-seater aircraft when the pilot has a fatal heart attack. She radios the tower which assures her that they are experienced and will be able to help her get to the ground. They ask for her height and position and she responds, "I'm 5′4″ and in the front seat!"
- A call goes out to 911, and the dispatcher asks what's wrong. "Help, we were hunting and my gun went off on accident. I think my buddy's dead!" The dispatch says, "I need to know whether you need an ambulance; there's been another terrible accident. Can you be sure your friend is dead?" The hunter replies, "Well, all right." BANG! "Now what?"
- An airplane is suddenly rocked by an explosion. The air-hostess goes to the passengers and announces that one of the engines just exploded, but since there are three more, the flight will simply take half an hour more. This situation repeats itself twice more with the same result and then another time. One of the passengers exclaims: "Goddamit, now it's gonna take the whole damned day to get there!"
- A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!" The employee replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
- A guy tells his psychiatrist: "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."
- A guy walks into a doctor's office and says loudly to the receptionist, "There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist looks up rather irritated and says, "Sir, you shouldn't come walking into this office and talking like that. It's embarrassing to everyone. If it's something that sensitive, you should say there's something wrong with your ear and then discuss things more privately with the doctor in his office." "Okay, okay, sorry," the man grumbles. "Miss, I'm here to see the doctor about my ear." "Very well, what seems to be the trouble with your ear, sir?" The man replies, "It hurts when I take a piss."
- A man at a restaurant to the waiter: "What's this fly doing in my soup?" After a close look the waiter replies: "The backstroke."
- An older couple are at home one evening having a nice quiet dinner together when the husband suddenly collapses on the floor, clutching his chest in pain. The wife rushes to the phone and dials 911. When the emergency operator answers, the wife says, "Quick, I need to get an ambulance over here right away. I think my husband is having a heart attack!" The voice on the other end says, "We're dispatching an ambulance now, ma'am. What's the address?" The wife replies, "1852 Eucalyptus." "Can you spell that?" asks the operator. "No, I can't. If you want, I can drag him over to Oak Street...."
- A successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he goes to get out of the vehicle, a truck speeds by, hitting the car and completely tearing off the driver’s door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car is close enough to see the accident and pulls up behind the Porsche. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, is now completely ruined. “The vehicle will never be the same, no matter how hard the repairers work to restore the damage.” After the lawyer finishes his rant, the cop shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer. The cop replies, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!” “Oh, my God!” screams the lawyer. “My Rolex!!”
- The supervisor of a construction site leaves the site every day at 11am and returns at 1pm. Because of this, the workers start taking advantage of this with a longer lunch break. One day one of the workers decides to go home for a little nookie with his wife, but when he opens the bedroom door, he finds the supervisor having sex with his wife! The guy backs out slowly and returns to work. The next day the supervisor leaves at the normal time and when the workers all leave, the guy stays on the job. When asked why he isn't coming, the guy says, "No way — I almost got caught yesterday!"
- The world's funniest joke, according to researchers at the University of Hertfordshire's Laughlab, goes as follows:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.Holmes: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."Watson: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."Holmes: "No Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"
- A blonde woman was told to always follow a snowplow when a snowstorm got too rough, so on her way home one night she did just that. After a half hour of following, the plow stopped and the driver came over to ask her what she was doing. The woman explained she had been told to follow a snowplow in bad weather, and that's what she was doing. He replied, "Well, I'm finished with the Walmart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Target?"
- A Minnesotan joke, as reported on A Prairie Home Companion c. 2004:
Ole was the only Lutheran in his little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. So the neighbors got together and went over and persuaded Ole to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some holy water over Ole's head, "now *splash splash* you are a Catholic!" Ole rose, and asked the priest if he could have a bit of holy water for home use, and the priest obliged.Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again that aroma coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born a whitetail deer, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said with a sprinkle of holy water, "now, *splash splash* you are a walleye!"
- An alternative was used with a rabbi cooking chicken during Lent.
- In Russia, it is told about a border guard soldier of Korean origin who was hypnotized so that he'll stop eating the guard dogs.
- An alternative was used with a rabbi cooking chicken during Lent.
- A police officer pulls a guy over and the guy has two penguins in the backseat. The officer says, "You can't drive around with endangered penguins. You need to take them to the zoo." The guy says he will, and the officer lets him go. The next day, the officer pulls the same guy over and the penguins are in the backseat again, only today they're wearing Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses. The officer says, "Hey! I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" The guy says, "I did that yesterday. Today we're going to the beach!"
- A man calls 911 and says, "Help! My wife is in labor and we don't know what to do!" The dispatcher says, "Okay, just stay calm. Is this her first child?" The man says, "No, this is her husband!"
- A highway patrol officer spots a woman who is trying to drive and knit at the same time. This is clearly unsafe, so he takes out the bullhorn and yells, "Pull over!" The woman yells back, "No, it's a cardigan!"
- A boss is told he needs to lay off one of his employees. The only employees that he can fire are the two most recently hired, Jack and Mandy. They were hired at the same time, do the same job and are both equally skilled, so he doesn't know which one to lay off. He decides to lay off the last one to show up that morning, but they come in together. He then decides whichever one gets back later from lunch will be the one to go, but they both come back early. He finally pulls Mandy into his office to explain that "I'm in a tough situation here. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Her reply: "I'm afraid you're gonna have to jack off, because I have somewhere to be in an hour."
- In the middle of a theft, the robbers hear the police sirens coming.
Robber 1: What do we do now!?
Robber 2: We jump through the window!
Robber 1: No way! We're in floor 13.
Robber 2: You idiot, this is no moment for superstitions!!
Comically Missing The Point / Jokes
It's worth pointing out that many jokes are based on someone comically missing the point.