Comically Missing The Point: Fan Fiction

  • The Bag Enders episode Strider: Scoutmaster features this exchange:
    "Let me get this right. You have become a Scoutmaster in order to try and become respectable? Were there no openings for gigolos?"
    "What do you mean? It's a well respected youth organisation."
    "I've met Baden Powell," said Legolas very darkly.
    "Wow! Could you come and give a talk?"
  • In Bleach Fan Works, the authors of Bleach fanfiction typically don't take criticism well... when, that is, they actually understand the point the reviewers are trying to make. See this exchange between Dark Kuroda and Animus Rover, regarding how Animus's Original Charracter Culth killed over four million Hollows with a single sword attack.
    Dark Kuroda: You do realize you wrote a Gary Stu, right? (Culth) is overly powerful.
    Animus Rover: Could you explain what a Gary Stu is?
    Dark Kuroda: A Gary Stu is an unbelievable male character. Culth's power is not believable.
    Animus Rover: Then what you said is a compliment. Ichigo is uber powerful too. I made a character that is just like him.
    Dark Kuroda: No... you made a character that is ten times more unbelievable then him.
    Animus Rover: (does not respond).
  • Calvin and Hobbes: The Series: After Calvin spends all episode pining for a VideoNow, Hobbes tells him that there's more to life than handheld TV's. Calvin realizes that he's right - there are bathtub TV's now!
    • When told to put some words in order by the school psychologist, Calvin puts them in the shape of a velociraptor.
    • Later on, when Calvin sees a horribly-painted house:
    Hobbes: Oh my gosh, that's horrible!
    Calvin: I'll say! What kind of sicko paints their house pink?
  • In the Saki doujin "Captain Half", Mihoko splits into two people as a result of her wish that there were two of her so that she could make dinner for 80 people- unfortunately, her counterpart turns out to be a Jerkass. After she tells Bundou, the following exchange occurs.
    Bundou: If you'd told us, we'd all help!
    Mihoko: Please don't say that. I want everyone to be able to play mahjong. I can't trouble you over something like this when you're all trying to further yourselves.
  • Discworld fanfic ''Clowning is a Serious Business has this dialogue between Assassins Joan Sanderson-Reeves and Miss Alice Band. Joan has just finished demonstrating a fire-breathing act.
    Joan stroked Brandi behind the ear, and asked if there was any water available.
    "The inside of my mouth tastes like a wretched gnoll's loincloth." she explained, taking a deep appreciative swig.
    "I didn't realise you'd ever eaten one." Alice said, thoughtfully.
Later, there is a dialogue which depends on the idiosyncracies of a Rimwards Howondalandian ("South African") accent:-
"If they ever were." said Joan. "What was that bloody heckling about, anyway?"
"Oh, it sorted itself out" Johanna said, dismissively. "This bleddy jester got dregged out by the bells."
"Ouch." said Joan, after making the necessary adjustments for a Howondalandian accent. "The Jolly Good Pals don't mess about, do they?"
Johanna giggled.
"No, Joan. He was dregged out by the bells. You know, the metel things a jester hes on his het thet jingle".
  • Earth and Sky: When Big Macintosh notices that Applejack and Apple Bloom are respectively developing crushes on Soarin' and Pipsqueak, he takes the latter two aside to subtley let them know what will happen if they ever do anything to his sisters. Soarin' gets the point, but it goes completely over Pip's head — Word of God is that he's such a gentlecolt that the concept of intentionally hurting a mare is beyond his comprehension. Pip doesn't get it until about twenty-eight chapters later.
  • An often occurrence with the hapless narrator in Equestria: A History Revealed, who ignores obvious information right in front of her, to go off on a tangent on some minuscule, trivial thing.
    • On the few times she does manage to potentially discover some kind of conspiracy in Equestrian history, she instead overanalyzes something meaningless, such as when she was convinced that word choice in a certain quotation was suspicious, and spent three paragraphs analyzing of the use of the word, "hellfire". She figures out that the word was used to describe an evil fire.
  • Fate Stay Night: Ultimate Master has a quite good one when Avenger decides that, seeing how Ben got injured last time she left him alone, it's better if she sleeps in the same bed than him. Ben, already shocked and embarrassed by the sight of her getting out of her bath, understandably tries to express his disagreement. Avenger's answer?
    Avenger: "It is no difficulty. The beds are quite large so they can comfortably hold us both."
  • In Frozen Hearts, after Hans gets home from Arendelle, his brother Heins asks "Is it true? It is true!" He's not asking about the much more pressing matter that's under discussion, but the fact that the suit that he designed for Hans is in tatters. Interestingly enough, Heins, in spite of his ignorance-induced Skewed Priorities here, cares much more for Hans than any of their other brothers do.
    • A darker than usual example happens when they're discussing what to do with Hans, after finding out what he's done.
    Harken: I could whip him. I've only just procured the most marvelous cat of nine tails. Glass shards imbedded in the leather, guaranteed to cleave flesh with each stroke. (gets a Slasher Smile)
    Helm: That is not an option.
    Harken: Why not? Would you rather perform the honor?
    Horatio: The last man father placed you in charge of whipping died the next day.
    Harken: Exactly. That should tell you how much I need the practice.
  • "Harry Potter and the Copyright Fiasco" was a parody skit performed at a charity fund raiser for Free the Children at Zionsville High School in April 2011. Cho, trying to get Harry to take her back:
    Cho: I know you're more famous and admired now than ever before... but that's not why I'm here. I just like you for you! You know what, I don't even remember why we broke up.
    Harry: Um, we didn't break up. I broke up with you because you kept crying over your last boyfriend, because you kept accusing me of cheating on you with Hermione... and because you stood by your friend when she betrayed every single person in Dumbledore's Army.
    Cho: No no no, it's all right dear, you've forgotten. I forgave you for breaking up with me a long time ago.
    Harry: Uh, you're kind of missing the point Cho.
  • "Here and Now" From a Axis Powers Hetalia Fanfic. Russia is having horrible nightmares and America asks England to help him get into his dreams to stop them. He gets attacked while in the 'corridor' where the nightmares shouldn't get to him.
    “I was in the corridor damn it! I thought you said the dreams were supposed to be sequestered behind those doors? They’re not!”
    America looked up from his hands that he had laced together in his lap and tilted his head at England’s odd look. The suit he was wearing felt tight and he shrugged his shoulders in an attempt to get more comfortable. “What?” he finally asked.
    "You used sequestered correctly.”
  • Hivefled; Lieutenant Gritch is under the impression that the round-robin fanfic his students are writing that involves him dying in various painful ways is a sign they like him, and added some to it himself. The students aren't sure if he's trying to be funny or if he really is that oblivious.
    • Meanwhile, on Earth, Karkat is shocked by the idea of a species who spend so much time on their "concupiscent couches" (a.k.a. beds) that they often fall asleep on them.
  • Ichigo, Meet Ichigo has a Story Within A Story that has this exchange.
    Shiro: Renji and Rukia are hiding something from us. I heard 'em talking about it on the way back, when you were busy sulking.
    Ichigo: I don't sulk.
  • In Kyon Big Damn Hero, after Kyon is greeted by a pillow in his face, thrown by Haruhi:
    Kyon: Haruhi? Was that you?
    Haruhi: Wah! Seriously? You can tell it's me because of how the pillow hit you?
    Kyon: I can tell it's you because you hit me with a pillow at all.
  • Fury of all people does this in The Many Doors of Niu Heimar.
    Fury: Let me get this straight. We nearly had an intergalactic incident on our hands because one of the Avengers ran off on a date with an alien Prince, and it wasn't Stark?
  • In Marie D. Suesse And The Mystery New Pirate Age!, the main villain is Monkey D. Madelyn, a Mary Sue who mind-controlled Trafalgar Law and many other canon characters into loving her. One war and many years later, her past crimes are exposed via a long and dramatic flashback to her present-day husband. It gets this reaction:
    Trafalgar Law: "Did you get all that, Suesse?"
    Mr. Suesse: "Yeah... You're my wife's ex."
  • In Mixed Spirits, the Doctor is trying to convince some shinigami that he and Gin had body swapped, but they're understandably wary of this explanation. Matsumoto decides the best way to test it is to tackle him to the ground and start making out with him.
    Hitsugaya: I don't believe it.
    Renji: Nor do I. Holy shit. He's still able to talk and his eyes aren't crossing.
  • At one point in Only a Boy, Merlin is having a dour conversation with Draco and tells him about a huge fight he and Ron had when he was studying in the library. Then Draco blurts out, "Wait, you were studying?"
    Merlin: "Out of everything I just said, that's what caught your attention, seriously?"
  • Paper Mario: The Land of Harmony: The group had just been informed that Mario and Spike had survived the Colts of Nocturne's attack on them before. However, the first thing on Sirius's mind was that a Goomba could cosplay as Daring Do.
  • Beat has his moments in Playing for Keeps:
    Sora: "There's only one thing left for me to do now," he said. "Do any of you know where the keyhole is?"
    Beat: "It's on the door,"
    Points to door with this thumb
    Neku: "Not that keyhole, the keyhole to Shibuya itself."
    Beat's eyes widen
    Beat: "You mean Shibuya's in some giant room?"
  • In Polygraph Calibration for Beginners, a crossover fic between Once Upon a Time and Warehouse13, Emma reacts this way when she learns Helena's full name. The others are quick to call her on it.
    Helena: Well, my name is Helena George Wells. H. G. Wells for short.
    Emma: Your parents called you George?
    Regina: Really, Ms. Swan?
  • In Ponyfall: Leather and Lace, Will shows Rarity the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic episode "Suited For Success". Her first response is to start angsting about how an entire planet saw the horrible outfits she was asked to make, and that her reputation is now tarnished on two worlds.
  • Rosario Vampire: Brightest Darkness Act II: When Kurumu regains her memories of Rason and confirms her friends' story, Ageha is initially more concerned that Kurumu lost her virginity to Rason instead of Tsukune rather than the fact that her daughter was recently murdered and brought Back from the Dead.
  • In Seventh Horcrux, Hermione is repeatedly called out on taking unnecessarily vicious or amoral actions, which eventually culminates in a Heel Realization on her part. Harry attempts to resolve her worries about being evil so that they can get back to the task of killing Voldemort. Which leads to this exchange:
    Harry "Hermione, much like you, my nature is also somewhat evil. But I channel that evil into constructive aims, like murdering the Dark Lord. We should probably get back to that, by the way. It’s been a few weeks."
    Hermione "But what if I’m the next Dark Lord?"
    Harry "I don’t think You-Know-Who will like that very much. You’ll have to kill him anyway."
  • Spiders And Magic Rise Of Spider Mane has Tony Stark doing this when Peter passes out, after Tony laundered Peter's stipend as a Knight of Equestria into American currency, and ends up with up with over three hundred million dollars.
    Tony: What, three hundred not enough for you? Fine, I'll give you five hundred million if it'll keep you from dying on Stephen's table.
  • In Sweetie Belle: Blackjack Dealer. Yay!, Sweetie Belle gets hired by a casino manager who hopes to use her undiluted adorableness to deter mobsters and other unsavory elements from ruining his new place (because he really wants to run a genuinely family-friendly establishment). When two mob enforcers show up, he directs them to her and this exchange happens:
    Nunzio: Now you see, we’s here to make sure nothing bad happens to this here casino.
    Sweetie Belle: Oh, that’s very nice of you.
    Mugsy: What my partner means to say is that it would be a shame if something bad was to happen, and we can make sure that it doesn’t.
    Sweetie Belle: Well don’t let me stop you, unless you need me to do something? Should I move my table? Is it in the way?
  • As in canon, Scootaloo does this in Cutie Mark Crusaders Alpha Pack Leader, getting through the following dialogue with no awareness of irony whatsoever:
    "Get what? That you wind up with a mark because you do perfectly ordinary things you're already good at and love doing, instead of trying cool stuff which nopony's ever done before?" A long pause. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"
  • In Tales of the Emperasque Bjorn delivers an angry "The Reason You Suck" Speech to Space Wolves' Chapter Master about their increasing wolfication of everything, pointing it with "I'd rather they painted me pink and call me a Pretty Marine!". Said Chapter Master's reaction?
    Lorgar Grimnar: I wonder what a Pretty Marine would look like...
  • In "To Absent Friends" Chief Hospital Corpsman Anoeza Watkins does this to yank her captain's chain.
    Capt. Kanril Eleya: Doc? Care to explain the piano?
    HMC. Anoeza Watkins: Fairly simple, ma’am. You press one of these keys and—
    Cdr. Tess Phohl: Ha ha. She meant how did you get it on board and where have you been keeping it.
  • In Twillight Sparkle's awesome adventure, ADMIRAL Awesome's response to learning that he failed to save the world was to be horrified... that he wasn't getting any money or medals.
  • The Kim Possible fanfic "No Living in the Past" has Kim's Overprotective Dad respond thusly when she comes out to her parents:
    "Well," Dr. Possible finally said as his eyes settled once again on Kim. Her eyes didn't even blink in response. "You're dating Shego here."
    "A girl. Not a boy."
    She nodded.
    "And you don't plan on dating any boys in the near future."
    Dr. Possible glanced at his wife, who still appeared a little stunned. "Well, if this means I don't have to worry about you chasing any boys, that's good enough for me."
  • In Merlin crackfic A Very Hairy Situation, Merlin assumes that the new (male) object of Arthur's affections is a girl, and earns himself a whack over the head. Merlin hastily apologizes.
    "Ah, sorry, sorry... a woman."
  • This occurs in the crackfic With Sufficient Thrust, Pigs Fly Just Fine after Merlin has spent a few weeks in a jail cell for using magic.
    Arthur: Don’t lie to me! I saw Sir Leon disappear into your cell. Literally! He disappeared when he walked in. With mead.
    Merlin: Don’t be ridiculous. Gwaine brought mead. Sir Leon brought wine.
  • Occurs in Why Do Fools Fall in Love?, another Merlin fic in which Arthur is enchanted.
    Merlin: I walked into Arthur’s room this morning and he was awake and standing there completely naked.
    Gaius: I suppose that is unusual.
    Merlin: Yes. Arthur’s never awake that early.
  • In the Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Black Lagoon crossover Road Trip Gone... Huh, when Xander's friends learn he spent his summer in Roanapur "taking out the garbage", they're relieved he didn't do anything worse. Except Buffy who honestly thinks Xander was a garbageman.
  • In Walking in the Shadows, Xander mentions all of Clark's superpowers and that in the future he'd be known as "The Man of Steel", Lex thinks Clark becomes a porn star.
  • As is par for the course with parodies of The Mc Laughlin Group, this is guaranteed to get the moderator of The Pretty Cure Mc Laughlin Club to yelp "Wrong!" at the offending party.
    Moderator: We're talking about late penalties at Noble Academy.
    Komachi: For bringing in library books late?
    Moderator: Wrong!
  • The rewrite of Sonic X: Dark Chaos Episode 68 gives us this gem when Jesus starts angsting about all the people killed in the Angel invasion of the galaxy. Two of his fellow Angel leaders try to reassure him;
    al-Walim: Look on the bright side, at least they weren't aborted.
    Tobit: And you got rid of the gays. I mean, you know how much Allysion hates fags.
  • In Son Of The Desert, Hohenheim tries to explain to Trisha that he's immortal.
    Hohenheim: I am not a man.
    • Then he tries to explain it a different way:
    Hohenheim: My darling, my love, have I aged, since you've known me, all ten of those years have I changed at all?
    Trisha: Yes. When you first came to our village you did not love me. Now you do.
  • In Vapors socially inhibited geniuses are a thing in Konoha and this is the number sign of one. Aiko is no exception, although she hides it better than most. On a date, she misses the significance of being taken to an isolated part of the park at night, lying next to each other on the grass with their arms touching, and her date eating a mint suggestively. It takes the blunt "So, are we going to make-out?" to get the point across.