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Katherine "Kate" BeckettThe protagonist of the comic. She is the daughter of Herman and sister of Thurman. A guitar player and somewhat of a cynical everyman, she constantly finds herself in zany situations.
- Deadpan Snarker
- Emo Teen: Well, she used to be one.
- Lonely Rich Kid: In the years before Herman's divorce.
- Straight Man
Penelope “Penny” O’BrienKate's long time BFF. Although intelligent, she constantly drinks, has trouble finding her direction in life, and has a strained relationship with her mother. Oh, and she's the only character who's aware that her entire existence is a webcomic. If only everyone else would listen...
- The Alcoholic
- Ditzy Genius
- Fourth-Wall Observer
- Hard-Drinking Party Girl
- Ms. Fanservice: What does she think of it?
- Significant Green-Eyed Redhead
Herman BeckettKate and Thurman's dad. A billionaire and former baseball superstar, you'd think Herman would have it made. Too bad he's an idiot. Think a nicer, skinny version of Homer Simpson.
- Idiot Houdini
- Idiot Savant: For all of his faults, he's an incredible baseball player.
- Fiction500: According to the comic's cast page, his fortune surpasses the GDP of Uruguay. Other sports stars may be able to rake in millions with endorsement deals, but Herman gets a yacht filled with gold coins (a literal boatload of money) to start a podcast.