NELSON (URBAN FOX; VULPUS METROSEXUALUS)
The only wild fox in East London with subscriptions to all the major broadsheets (excluding The Sunday Times), Nelson is, as he never tires of introducing himself at dinner parties… "An urbane fox!"
"Ha-ha-ha. Ah, ruddy classic! No come on now, if we can just be serious for a minute…"
He's also our hero. Because while being a fan of everything Ben Elton has ever done "post-Blackadder" and buying high-end gluten-free French chutneys from a carbon-neutral importer on the Kings Road are valid lifestyle choices if you're a human… less so when you're a fox. And so, in just being himself Nelson is blazing a trail, he's kicking down social barriers. He is, in short, Rosa Parks with National Trust membership
.He also fancies Destiny. And yes, he's also aware that unspoken love is a sitcom cliché.
DESTINY (AFGHAN HOUND; CANIS SELF-ABSORBEDBITCHICUS)
There are two great tragedies in Destiny's life:
1) That she was born a dog and not for e.g. Lauren Conrad who used to be in The Hills or failing that any of the cast members from Laguna Beach or failing that at the absolute, absolute least Charlotte Church, but right now, not when she was all fat and maternal.
2) That her owner Gary always wears that s*** ting tracksuit.
At heart, angel-faced perfectly groomed pedigree Destiny is just a sweet teenage romantic. And like all sweet teenage female romantics, she has the dead-eyed psychotic ruthlessness of a freelance Serbian assassin when it comes to getting what she wants.Which isn't Nelson. Ever. Ever. Ever-ever-ever.And yes, she's aware that unrequited love is also a sitcom cliché.
MARION (ALLEYCAT; FELIS RETARDICUS)
Age: no idea.
Ethnicity: not sure.
Country of origin: dunno, like maybe Morocco or something?
This much we DO know about Marion: he's been abandoned by a lot of owners, thrown into a lot of canals, ditched in a lot of lay-bys, left in a lot of very stuffy, very locked cars.
It's probably because of his deep-rooted abandonment issues that Marion clings so tightly to his good friend Nelson. Frankly he needs all the paternal guidance he can get. A simple (some may say 'borderline retarded') soul, Marion is nothing if not highly corruptible.
Safe to say, it won't be curiosity that kills this cat, it'll be fact that he's been brainwashed by radical hedgehogs into sticking a firework up his own arse and then martyring himself.
KALI (PIGEON; AVES AGGRAVATICUS)
Grey feathers, red legs, black heart.
Kali is a spiteful, petty, vindictive, s*** ty little bird with a small beak and a big voice. In fact there's only one thing in life she enjoys more than revelling in other people's misfortune, and that's causing other people's misfortune and then revelling in it a bit afterwards (like maybe over some coffee and a bagel from the bins near Pret).
She also seriously bears a grudge. Against all of humankind for their years of tyranny against her winged brethren! Against the entire vulpine species for their years of tyranny against her winged brethren! Against Harry Hill for making a slightly off-colour comment re: her mum in an episode of You've Been Framed once back in 2008!
So yeah. Be afraid. Be slightly afraid.
VINCE (URBAN FOX; VULPUS C*** ITCUS)
Potty-mouthed sociopath Vince is everything Nelson is not. He's a REAL fox. He's a PROPER wild animal. He's a red-blooded chicken-eating homicidal PREDATOR. As a consequence some of his eBay feedback is frankly appalling.
But with his simply adorable catchphrase ("Morning c*** s!"), his loveable, kooky madcap antics (eating his own young; butchering dead women) and his charming penchant for a good ole Cockney sing-a-long ("come on everyone… F*** Chickens
!") Vince is every inch the perfect next-door neighbour.
Yeah. Like *** he is.