Characters / ITSMYLIFE Expanded Universe

Principal Business Man / Principal Business Lady

Hy my name is Principal Business Man and I am liveng wth a gurl name Gluttony Magnolia hoo is lick sooooo hot an pretty becoz I sed so. Yet se wont stop naggeing abot wat I do wile I em at home so most of the tiem I stey at a sertan Portal HIgh School wich is agen sooooooooo cole becoz if I say domethigm is cole it IS COLE and PEARIED.

I forgot to write "and the ashes died" in the last chapter, that's what they saw.

Essentially a trollfic counterpart to the Aperture Science Business Magnet. Principal Business Man was a principal of Portal High School, married to Principal GLaDOS (named something along the lines of "Gluttony Magnolia" in the past) and in the future he and Principal GLaDOS became THOSE JERK ROBOTS ALTAS AN P-BOY.

"Principle InterdimensionalPortaller"

Kanaya: When I Ended Up There Principal Interdimensional Portaller Had A Thought And Asked Me If I Received A Package From An Irken Invader Named Zim So I Said No What You Are Insane

While Principal Business Man originally was the last principal of Portal High School before GLaDOS the A.I. took over, later additions retconned that, instead having him be replaced with this character. Undoubtedly the equivalent of Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller", who in turn (less obviously) is the equivalent of Chell.

Skep Katty

"I have a confession for you…" Skep Katty said. "I am a boy!"

She is originally introduced as "spoled" and got to transfer to Portal High School during the events of Portal: The 4th Millennium: The Trollfic Edition. Later, it is revealed that she - or rather, he - is transgender and has gone through with the surgery.


  • Breaking the Fourth Wall - Skep once claims that "Awa" is "OOCK".
    • Later he develops mind-reading powers, and is able to interrupt Janet's narration, asking her to use correct pronouns when talking about him.

Averil Lovonde

Who the hell is Roxa Lavigne I am very clearly AVRIL Lavigne though Roxa Lavigne sounds like a good name for a daughter of mine.

Averil Lovond/Lovonde is a "goffik eemow" music artist and "de motter of Raws and Roxee Lovondes", as well as "Skep Katty", who have separate sections. Averil was married to "Gerod Why" for a while before leaving him for "a ridor nomed Mark Tequila" and forcing her daughters to change names.

Interestingly, Irken counterparts to "Avrole Lovend" and "Me Kemonkal Romonse" exist. Zim starts listening to their music after Daz Membrone, now in control of the whole universe sans Earth, starts abusing him.

Ben Stiller

He plays a similar role to Averil Lovonde, seeing as he's the parent of Dove, Dick Stillers and Logik Edtor.


  • Human Dad Non Human Mom - He is human, while the mother of his kids, Lately Pirate, is an "alien with candy corn horns and gray skin".

Mr. Logik Edtor and Ms. Lovobil Freek

At first, two new teachers who get accepted to Portal High School, later two bullies who harrass "Raws". Seemingly equivalents of Mr. Elliot and Ms. Bitters/"Ms. Sweaters" in Portal High School.

"Emprase Contine Oversser" / "Daz Membrone"

Prinsipal Businzess Man since Carolein wos doed an replosed widd GLaDOS lifed in his home nomed Bllo Portnels Deralement Centrw widd an adoptid dotter Embrace Conteen Ovasere bu shee kolde de dome Blioo Bortols Devolvement Empore. DIs is horn storee.

Principal Business Man's adoptive daugther. Naturally, as she's adopted, she also must be fat and ugly. After dying, escapes from Android Hell to the verse of Invader Zim: Born Again Christian, where "Robot Membrone" finds her and re-designs her to be half-Dib, half-Gaz.

Janet Roberts, Jack London, Roxee Lovonde / Roxa Lavigne and Dick Stiller

Hi mi namme is Janet Roberts an I life in da 413 post condensaten in my hose. Ass it trunde oot ders only 4 humons alife on Planot Erathe: me, Jack London, Roxee Lovonde and Dick Stiller (AN ROXAY AN DIKR FOND A TIM MASHEIN SO DER IN DA FUTREZ :p) Todie is 11-111 an wole it issent me borfdae todak a noo gome by da evor awesem BETTE CROCKET nomed Sburb Alffa is relessing.

ASBusinessMagnet: Too bad I don’t watch movies nor TV shows and have no idea who to guess about [for the identity of Sweary Guy], because Janet, Jack, Roxee and Dick would appear LIKE THE WIND in the last chapter [of THE MARRISSA GAMES].

Dick Stiller, who appears be related to Ben Stiller, and Roxee Lovonde escaped from their own time to "413 post condensaten", where they met Janet and Jack, who are seemingly the last humans alive after "Candacension Pixies" killed off everyone else. Janet (and possibly Jack) are also stated to be the descendants of Marissa Roberts herself. (No word about how that also makes them (as descendants of Wheatly Potter) descendants of Ignotus Peverell, the original owner of the Invisibility Cloak, which is passed through generations.) The four are the main characters of Post-SCrash Session.


  • A Dick in Name - Dick is the subject of this, constantly. Most notably, Janet refers to him as "my Dick", while Roxa refuses to do so, claiming that she is a cis girl, but is forced to concede once she encounters a Dick from another timeline.
  • Famous Ancestor - Given that a lot of Marrissa characters are related, (at least for Janet and Jack) a lot of them. From the MTW Wiki:
    Much is told about Janet's ancestry. Besides being the distant descendant of Charlie Roberts and Rose Quartz Vasquez (and, as such, many other main characters of the Marrissaverse, including but not limited to Marrissa Roberts, Wheatly, Gabe Jonson, Caroline, Principal Business Man, Principal GLaDOS, Chell Junor Roberts, Skepness Man Beauregarde, Skepkitty, Jenny Weasley, Jhonen Eggert-Vasquez, Rebecca Sugar-Vasquez and, adoptively, Violet Beauregarde, Avril Lavigne and Gerard Way), [...]

Candacension Pixies / Betty Crocket


Presumably a counterpart of Her Imperious Condescension. She is one of the leaders of Critics United, and instead of running the Hunger Games like her predecessor "Curiosity" Snow, she made the dystopia that is the setting of Post SCrash Session. While she poses as Betty Crocket, neither of her heiresses, Janet Roberts and Meanie Pixies, realize that Candacension Pixies and Betty Crocket are really the same person.


Jhonen Eggert-Vasquez, Raws Lovonde / Ross Lavigne, Dove Stiller and Jared Halley

Appears to be a similar ensemble to Janet, Jack, Roxee and Dick, but less is known about them. Raws gets the most spotlight, as the main character of OMG IMMA IN LOFE WIDDEN ALEEYEN!. She is attracted to an "alien with candy corn horns and grey skin" girl named "Kanner Sorket"/"Kanye West", however, various bullies get in her way and one teacher shoots her. Literally.

Also, it is known Jhonen is the maker of a series about Gloria Deschanel's mythos, and abuses The Windy Thing to scare people into liking him, and that Jared Halley, a powerful human/dog hybrid, participated in the 50th Hunger Games and made it into the final 2, but was killed by Haymish.


  • O.C. Stand-in - In Catching Fire, as the 50th Hunger Games are rewatched, a District 1 female (one of two, actually) makes it to the final 2 and is killed by Haymitch, but is never named.

The Belorussians

Meanie Pixies: [...] and by the time I got to see Cranky Vasquez, Doormat Medigo, Roughie Nitrogen, Mitt Romney Cape-Torn, Merlin LeJoin, Parrot Martini, Lately Pirate, Aranna Sorket, Hussite The Hock, Curlbent Smacker and Chronos Ampersand I was so rich dream bubbles got bankrupt. note 

The Belorussians are "candy corn somethings", twelve of whom played a version of Sburb Alpha, died and started returning as parts of the Marrissa-verse Earth society. Of those twelve, the two most prominent ones are Meanie Pixies and Aranna Sorket, who remain fairly active in the dream bubbles even in their second lives. The adventures of the twelve on Belarus are the main focus of the story Post-SCrash Session 2: The Belorussian Aliens.


  • Hostile Show Takeover - As the tension between Aranna and Meanie grows, Aranna briefly steals the narration from Meanie.
  • O.O.C. Is Serious Business - Whenever Aranna shouts, things WILL turn out to be in her favor, such as Wegotist Sorket dying, or Janet suddenly transforming into Meanie. And you thought Marrissa only makes characters OOC for fun.
  • Stealth Pun: Since the name of the planet Beforus is misspelled as "Belarus", naturally, the name of its leader Luminescence Pixies has to be misspelled as "Alexander Lukashenko".
    • "Mitt Romney" is also a reference to a political figure.
  • Theme Naming: All their ancestors are named after concepts of Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise: Cinematical Medigo (Cinematronics Celebrations), Winstonian Nitrogen (TWP forumite WinstonSmith), Pesterchum Cape-Torn (TWP forumite pestchamber), Cakeman Vasquez (based on GLaDOS's obsession with cake), Communita LeJoin (Portal 2: The Fake Community-Made), Overseeing Martini (0ver5e3r / Contine Overseer), Spectatress Pirate (<<Spectator Name Here>>, not to be confused with Spectators of the Host), Wegotist Sorket (the Warweary Serket), The Lower Jerk Hock (TWP forumite jrlauer), Rainblood Smacker (Chell Johnson's Bloody Rainbows franchise, later re-dubbed Ascension of the Portaller-verse), Bestsellerer Ampersand (Lena Bestselerovna) and Luminescence Pixies (Lumina Squires).
    • Also, perhaps by coincidence, the story name Post-SCrash Session 2: The Belorussian Aliens looks slightly like Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time.

Skepness Man Beauregarde note 

Hello Imma Skepness Man connoiseur of multiple fandoms and the author of Portal: The Fourth-World, Įstrigę of the Learned and The Haunted Herbert wanna give an interview?

Oh for the love of Gloria Deschanel, if history of the world involves me, I'm going to write it in the first person, period!

The kid of Skepkitty and Principal Business Man and the author of Enchiridion Marrissa and Additional Discoveries on Marrissaverse History. Once self-inserts into his "history", as the tribute of the last falmer Hunger Games, who abused time travel and put an end to the games. He plays a great role in Post-SCrash Session 3: Spectators of the Host, "interviewing" the characters.


  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny! - At one point, says this:
    Hello Imma Skepness Man connoiseur of multiple fandoms and- Oh look, a piece of chewing gum!
  • Gratuitous French - He does not know why he keeps lapsing into this foreign language.
  • Timeline-Altering MacGuffin - Skepness Man is aware of the danger Enchiridion Marrissa could cause at the hands of anyone in the Marrissaverse, so he explicitly asks to distribute/adapt it outside the universe as a tourist's guide.
    • What he does not realize, however, is that he himself is a Timeline-Altering MacGuffin, due to his immense knowledge.
      • ...Or so he wants you to believe. That is, except when he doesn't.

The Cherub Trollz

[The Cherub Trollz] have only the ability to hate, hate and again hate, except for one named Calilope or Cantaloupe, but she tries to disguise herself as an alien with candy corn horns and grey skin so why am I talking about her in the cherub troll section.

Leprechaun: Dear Knight of Time, it would be very kind of you to just not shout. We are trying to sleep. Thanks, your leprechaun friend.
Leprechaun: You're not searching for your sister. You're just shouting at a chess set.

Briefly mentioned in Post-SCrash Session, and elaborated upon in Enchiridion Marrissa. They appear to be an evolved version of the Falmer Trollz, and the first Cherub Trollz, namely "Dork Jewel" and "Monotony Homophobe", were employed by Piestacker Curiosity Snow, who really is a robot built by GLaDOS, the founder of Critics United.

Cantaloupe and California in particular were the last cherub trolls, and made it out alive when the Earth was relocated due to the Red Miles.


Violet Beauregarde / harmlessExcellence / Marrissa Roberts

Janet Roberts: Some guy out there outside of our world is running a contest
ASBusinessMagnet (as "Seriously Written Note"): No, I'm not.
Janet Roberts: and the person who figures out your identity gets to write a story chapter for this story!
Violet Beauregarde: Don't joke around. If there was such a contest I would have won it long before "this story" even began.

A girl who becomes Skepness Man's adoptive mother, after it turns out Skep Katty is a trans guy. Similar to Sweary Guy, the author did not want to reveal her identity right away. She and other Charlie and the Chocolate Factory cast appear to be based on the 2005 movie (though, 1971!Violet appears later on, as the actual Violet, who has been held prisoner by Marrissa, posing as 2005!Violet, while that character got a redesign to be unrecognizable).


  • Breaking the Fourth Wall - She isn't content with the fact that Skepness Man thinks she's easily distracted.
  • Canon Character All Along - Worst of all, it's foreshadowed by MTW supposedly feeling like the new, Homestuck and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory characters are boring the audience, who only want to see ITS MY LIFE! cast.
  • One Steve Limit - She has a very terrible time accepting that there is in fact another girl in her universe named Violet Beauregarde, and as such keeps her imprisoned in her chewing gum factory. Though, with "Beauregarde" being a fairly rare surname (especially when spelled with an "e" at the end) and the infamy of Violet in... various fandoms, this also is in One-Mario Limit territory.
    No no no. You got something wrong. If I remember correctly, I am Violet Beauregarde.
  • The Wanker - Being the CEO of Beauregarde Chewing Gum Industry, she takes a few leaves from Willy Wanker's pages.
    There's a chocolate river and a waterfall… just for the sake of there being a chocolate river and a waterfall.
    • As well as a vending machine that goes straight from her company to her house.
      • Why would she need a vending machine anyway if she just chews the same piece of gum for all of eternity?

Charlie Bucket and Willy Wanker

The amazing chocolatier, beaten to shame
Willy Wanker's school can break the rules
When he's got just a few cheer codes for you

In the first scene they appear in, they are running "the chocolate factory" together. When Charlie notices that Violet's behavior hasn't changed at all, he and Willy take off to her living place in "Tbilisi, Georgia".