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Characters: AH.com: The Series
Crew of the MES Alternatehistory.com

Doctor What

Captain by default, a goofy screwball with a heart of gold. Obsessed with porn and lesbians, and porn OF lesbians. Canadian.
  • A God Am I: Parodied with his catchphrase "AND ON THAT DAY I SHALL BECOME AAAA GODDDDDD!!!"
  • Back from the Dead: Based on a True Story, would you believe...
  • Canada, Eh?: Occasionally.
  • The Captain: Thinks himself to be this, everyone else just goes along with it. Occasionally has a heroic moment that lives up to it.
  • Catch Phrase:
    • "I find that strangely arousing..."
    • "That's the 37th strangest thing I've ever seen" (then lists some of the others)
    • "Don't tell me how to (something completely unrelated), I've seen every porn movie ever made!"
  • Porn Stash: Has one of the biggest in existence.
  • Seen It All
  • Too Kinky to Torture

Grey Wolf

Second-in-command, a perpetually drunken Englishman with a thing about genealogy and plush unicorns.

Landshark

Chief pilot and third-in-command. Spends most of his time snarking at the American crew members or taking part in an S&M relationship with Ironyuppie.

IronYuppie

For much of the show's run, the only female crewmember. Terrifies most of the men. In a relationship with Landshark. Has a sex dungeon full of people they encounter on their voyages, occasionally added to.

Dave Howery

Chief engineer. Has a pathological hatred of Canada and an indestructible wiry beard.
  • Badass Beard
  • Berserk Button: Canada. And someone harming, putting the moves on, or spying on Keira.
  • Chainsaw Good
  • Freudian Excuse: It's eventually revealed that the reason why he hates Canadians and Europeans is that he comes from a timeline where Canadians and Europeans were occupying and oppressing the USA, and he grew up under the occupation.
    • It also explains why he is so over-protective with Keira. Because one of the occupiers killed his wife there.
  • Gadgeteer Genius
  • Homemade Inventions

G.Bone

Engineer and teleporter operator. Hawaiian.

Psychomeltdown

Engineer. Navajo Indian.

Michael

Engineer and security officer. Australian.

Flocculencio

General layabout and compatriot of Michael. Singaporean of Indian descent.

Matt

Weapons officer.

Weapon M

Head of security. Once had a threesome. Will never get tired of telling you about it.

Torqumada

Ship's doctor.

Thande

Ship's chemist.

GBW

Ship's operations officer. Often shown later as being a secondary pilot and piloting the shuttles.

Othniel

"Ensign and standard bearer", an evangelical Christian from Utah.

Hendryk

Quartermaster and Whatian Priest. Sinophile Frenchman.

DMA

Security and Orthodox Sheepist Priest. Australian.

Diamond

Optician, nurse, cartographer and Reformed Sheepist Priest. Also practices Pantslessness.

Luakel

Eager Young Space Cadet.

Kit

Ship's operations officer. Gay Welshman.

Leo Caesius

The ship's computer, appearing both as a disembodied voice and incarnate in a robot body.
  • A.I. Is a Crapshoot: Usually averted, though he gets taken over by a virus in "Leo Atrox" leading to this. His backstory shows that the leadership of his robotic civilisation were like this, though.
  • Character Development: His origin story shows he was originally a great admirer of humans, being a member of a robotic civilisation that had grown up after their human creators had died out. He gets more snarky over time as his romantic impressions get dented by the reality of the AH.commers. In particular being taken over by a virus in "Leo Atrox" leaves him with a tendency to mutter things like "Damn fleshbags".
  • Computer Voice
  • Cunning Linguist
  • Deadpan Snarker
  • Single-Issue Wonk: Obsessed with the Mandaeans.

The Mosquito

A giant mosquito born from a teleporter accident.

Bobo

A flying brain with tentacles created by Torqumada in one of his mad science experiments. Is intensely loyal to Torqumada and more recently also to Keira Knightley.
  • Nothing Is Scarier: In his early appearances his description was kept deliberately vague.
  • Odd Friendship: With the Mosquito.
  • Paper-Thin Disguise: Was at once point stuffed into a Frankenstein body to impersonate Thande, and none of the other crew noticed any difference (and, in fact, they thought Thande was the Frankestein body).
  • Strange Syntax Speaker: Talks. Like. This.
  • Super Mode: Shown in "The Dome Factor".

Keira Knightley

A product of a Dungeons & Dragons holodeck-style game world, a Damsel in Distress clone of the actress who was rescued by Dave Howery as part of a party of inadvertent LARPers. He managed to smuggle her out using a Bag of Holding and she joined the crew as a regular.
  • Action Girl: a couple of times, she has joined a mission and played a role. She also became fundamental when nearly the entire crew became five year old.
  • Artificial Human: Which means she has a simplified genetic code, and Dave gets scared eventually that one of the genetic manipulations that get inflicted on the crew sometimes might be fatal to her.
  • Never Gets Drunk: A corollary of her simplified genetics is that her liver processes alcohol too fast for her to get intoxicated.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Averted. She's referred to simply as "Keira Knightley".

Crew of the MES Counterfactual.net

Ward

Hard-bitten former admiral with a grudge against Doctor What and, indeed, most of the multiverse.

Grimm Reaper

Second-in-command and professional sadist. Dresses up as The Grim Reaper.

MerryPrankster

Third-in-command, perpetually trying to take over.

Kilngirl

Chief engineer.

Fortyseven

Engineer and teleporter operator.

Romulus Augustulus

Security officer.

Dominusnovus

Weapons officer.

Faeelin

Ship's operations and communications.

Midgard

Assault leader.

Bulgaroktonos

Assault goon.

Darkslavik

Genetic weapons specialist.

Other recurring characters and groups

The Mirror Crew

Mirror Universe counterparts of the AH.commers.

The Germans

A group of German mercenaries, obsessed with politics and perpetually arguing.

The Pole Trolls

Enemies of the Germans, who infest the Wiki World (based on The Other Wiki) and seek to change reality to fit their views. Based on the large number of Polish trolls who have been known to spam alternatehistory.com's message board.
  • Anime Fan Boy: The Wikimasters, the incompetent rulers of the Wiki World, are universally of this type.
  • Improbable Weapon User: Human237, who steals IronYuppie's sex toys to use as weapons.
  • Jizzed in My Pants: Molobo continuously does this after talking about the glories of Poland, constantly requiring a new pair of underwear from Hurgan. When the Germans show up with all their firepower, he asks for the brown pair for a change.
  • Rewriting Reality
  • Verbal Tic: Their Armenian ally, Rafi, is unable to speak a sentence without the word "genocide".

The Lesbian Space Marines

Originating from a planet where all the men were killed by a virus. After acquiring shift-drive technology from the AH.commers, began expanding into other timelines.

The Administratum of Bankind

A Grim Dark civilisation perpetually at war and consisting of countless hellish hive worlds and huge warships like gothic cathedrals, presided over by a dark religion dedicated to a a dead leader upon a great golden chair. Does This Remind You of Anything??

The Guild of Cartographers

Or the Mappist Cabal, a group of elite mapmakers crewing the ship Mercator.

The King

Saviour, religious icon and ruler of a planet. Wears white suit, eats cheeseburgers, plays guitar, has quiff. Reminds me of someone, but can't quite think who...

Mike Collins

Powerful enemy of the Hub.
  • Big Bad: In early seasons.
  • Depending on the Writer: Whether he has powers of his own or if they are just the result of technology. The former view eventually won out.
  • Enemy Mine: during the ASB War.
  • The Starscream: In any episode involving him working for or teaming up with others.
  • Take Over the World: His goal in many episodes is to take over the Hub. He actually has taken over several versions of Earth in the past, including Dave Howery's origin timeline.

The Alien Space Bats (ASB)

Enemies of the Hub, embodiments of chaos, and have been interfering with various timelines since at least Season 2.

The Hub of the Multiverse

A vast complex in its own dimension, a place where timelines intersect. The Pub in the Hub, Ouroboros, often features - it can be accessed from any bar in the multiverse through the door labelled 'Authorised Staff Only'. The Hub also contains docks for ships, huge shopping malls, and so on.
Acquisitions IncorporatedCharacterSheets/Web OriginalThe Creepy Teen Years

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