The actual Captain Obvious is one of New York's self-proclaimed real-life superheroes, and goes about shouting the obvious through a megaphone. His bio states that he was thrown out of the X-Men for being too obvious. He frequently partners with Squeegeeman
Ric turned this on its ear in 2009 by embracing his "Captain Obvious" image and challenging Farkers (members and regular visitors of Fark.com) to give to a charity campaign he sponsored. He then entered Ascended Meme status when, after thanking Farkers on air for their generous donations, he reported the "breaking news" that "water is wet."
Comedian Greg Berehndt admitted that his book He's Just Not That Into You makes him come across like this, but explains that some of the people who hit him up for relationship advice really are that dense.
Woman:Greg, I need help. See, my boyfriend is married, and I...
BerehndtOkay, now stop and repeat that back to yourself.
During testimony she gave to a Congressional committee on smoking, a teenaged Brooke Shields commented, in all seriousness, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
U.S. President Calvin Coolidge, nicknamed Silent Cal, was one of the best Deadpan Snarkers we've ever had in the Oval Office, had this to say: "When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."
Reporter: "What did the preacher have to talk about, Mr. President?"
Coolidge: "Sin."
Reporter: "Well, what did he say about it?"
Coolidge: "He was against it."
This anecdote is also told with Mrs. Coolidge asking Mr. Coolidge.
Clark Kellogg: "Your shooting percentage goes down significantly when your shot is challenged."
Mercenary commander "Mad Mike" Hoare included a short essay on leadership in his book on the Simba rebellion in the Congo. In it he mentions the importance of reacting immediately when the bullets start flying, even if it's an obvious order like "Take cover!", as it makes the commander sound like he's on top of the situation. Having achieved this of course, the commander's next orders had better be more useful.
Spencer Perceval, the only British Prime Minister to get assassinated, had the last words "I am murdered." Yeah, the man with the gun who just shot you was a good clue to that.
In 1949 the BBC reporter John Snagge commenting the Boat Race opposing Oxford and Cambridge said : "I can't see who's in the lead but it's either Oxford or Cambridge".
Brazilian sports narrator Galvão Bueno. "Went to the ground and fell!", "Inverted the ball to the other side!", "There are only three possible results: win, loss or draw"...
College football commentator Brent Musberger. He has his own drinking game.
Allergy warnings.
Can of sardines: Contains fish.
Sainsbury's Peanuts: May contain nuts. [I should hope so!]
Ahum. Peanuts are legumes (related to peas, beans, etc) so people who are allergic to real nuts aren't necessarily allergic to peanuts. However, peanuts are often packaged using the same machinery used to package other nuts as well. So a package of peanuts may contain (traces of) nuts.
Wal-Mart brand (Great Value) salmon actually says, on the back of the can, "Allergy Warning: Contains Salmon".
Jar of peanut butter: Contains peanuts.
Cheddar: Contains milk products.
Can of "Pumpkin": Ingredients: Pumpkins. [That's all it says. To be fair, I think the important factor here is that pumpkins are the only thing on the list, IE the can does not contain anything else (preservatives, water, etc).]
Bottle of Aspirin: Do not use if you are allergic to aspirin.
British bottle of milk: May contain milk. [Why do they need to hedge their bets? I'd really like to see the bottle of milk that didn't actually contain milk?]
At one point, the Snickers candy bar had it even worse. This is a candy bar whose every advertisement proclaims that it's "packed with peanuts". So what did the label say? "Warning: May Contain Peanuts."
Nutty Nut Nut Cluster Bar. It's NUT-rageously NUT-ritious! Start your day the NUTTY way!This product may contain nuts.
A CNN news crawl shortly into the US invasion on Afghanistan: "[some US general] on Osama: 'He's either alive or dead in some tunnel'". Still impressive in that they ruled out dead outside of a tunnel.
In a similar vein, Donald Rumsfeld at one point declared that he was either in Afghanistan, in some other country, or dead. So... if he was dead, he must have been in international waters?
Well, he is NOW.
Rumsfeld made a similar statement when asked where the WMD's in Iraq were.
"We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat"
"Do not attempt to stop blade with hands or genitals" - instructions on a chainsaw in Sweden.
Anything that comes out of John Madden's mouth. Like "Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field."
"If they don't score points, they're not going to win."
"If they want to score, they have to go down the field."
"Now remember: the blitz can only come from the left, the middle, or the right."
Larry King once asked Vladimir Putin what happened to Kursk. His answer? "It sunk."
John Tesh was allowed to guest commentate during the 1994 Lillehammer Winter Olympics, and gave a variety of gems such as: "If I hadn't've seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have seen it.".
His current radio show has frequent Captain Obvious moments.
Economist Frederic Bastiat was of the opinion that it's his job to state the obvious, since there are so many people — including those with significant political power — who have no economic understanding at all.
All of Yogi Berra's famous "Yogi-isms" that weren't thought-provoking oxymorons were obvious statements raised to the level of Zen Koans.
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
Dutch soccer coach Johan Cruijff is so famous for this, his way of speaking (dubbed "Cruijffian") has its own Wikipedia page: http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cruijffiaans. Some gems:
"When we've got the ball, they can't score." "When you've got the ball, you don't have to defend, 'cause there's only one ball." "You've got to shoot, otherwise you can't score." "Look, the ball is an essential part of the game." "You can't win without the ball."
It becomes less absurd if you treat them as tongue-in-cheek arguments against overly defensive play. Which make them even more hilarious.
Along similar lines, hockey legend Wayne Gretzky said: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."
Christopher Nolan, in speaking to the press about his third Batman film, attempted to comment on what characters to expect without actually giving away any information. Thus: "We'll use many of the same characters as we have all along, and we'll be introducing some new ones." No way.
Any elevator in Brazil will have this warning◊, which translated says "Warning to the users: Before entering the elevator, ensure that it [the elevator car] is on the current floor". This was added because of old elevators, where one could force open the door, but with new elevators which all have sensors and failsafe switches, it became rather obvious.
A British scientist on Lateline in Australia said that it would have been better if the March 2011 nuclear reactor explosions in Japan had not happened.
Dr. Phil sometimes comes off as this in his show. Most people know that it's not okay to beat your children hourly or cheat on your wife with her sister and best friend.
Considering the people he deals with, apparently some people really think it's all right, and other have a twisted sense of morality. Some Anvils Need to Be Dropped.
Some roads in the American Southwest bear rather existential signs that say "Gusty Winds May Exist."
In 1954 Kurt Vonnegut was hired by the then-new magazine Sports Illustrated, which had hired some novelists in an attempt at greater literary credibility. His first assignment for SI was to write a piece about a racehorse that had jumped over the rail and ran across the infield after the starting pistol at Aqueduct Racetrack in New York City. After staring at a blank piece of paper all morning he finally left his office for good having typed one sentence: "The horse jumped over the fucking fence."
On the Toronto news station 680 News, an "expert" on the economy said, "I think the economy's going to stay pretty much the same, and if not it's either going to go up or down." ...Well, that's good to know.
During the 2003 NFL season, the CBS broadcaster made this comment about Quarterback Tom Brady of the New England Patriots: "If you give him enough time and open receivers, he's gonna be dangerous." Anyone up to (down to?), and maybe including, Ryan Leaf would be dangerous with those two things.
Gmail will occasionally tell you when flagging a message as important that it is "important because of the words in the message". As opposed to the subtext of the message, perhaps.
Speaking of Google, their web browser, Google Chrome, has an "Incognito" function, which allows the user to open a separate window that is not recorded in the history. On the new tab page, it warns that it doesn't protect against:
"...People standing behind you"
American Civil War general William Sherman once said "War means fighting, and fighting means killing."
Watching TV or a movie with young children can be fun or irritating, depending on you, as you gain a free play-by-play announcer. "Did you see that?" they ask about the thing you just saw, and then describe the event you just saw no matter how you reply.
US Army rocket launchers have the instruction "aim towards the enemy" written on them.
The M18 Claymore Mines' infamous "Front Towards Enemy" is noteworthy as well. And it should be noted that in training recruits STILL point them in the wrong direction. Thankfully, those M18s are dummies, and are completely safe and the only result is a DI chewing you out. But one has to wonder what motivated the military to put "Front Towards Enemy" on the mines in the first place...
The claymore, when you look at it, doesn't have an obvious front and back unless you already know how a claymore works and what direction it should be pointing.
Equally humorous, the back of later claymore mines have the text "Do not eat: Contents toxic" written on them. One wonders why this was needed.
The 747's used to ferry Space Shuttles between locations when they were not in orbit had helpful instructions on the three large mounting pins where the Shuttles would be bolted on for the journey: "ATTACH SHUTTLE HERE. NOTE: BLACK SIDE DOWN."*
The black side of a Space Shuttle is the underside, with the black high-temperature heat shield tiles; the only way to mount a Shuttle white side down would be to flip the entire orbiter upside down.
Watching a movie with the commentary for the visually impaired on when you have good eyesight.
Talking to young kids is like this in many respects. "Not now, sweetie, Mommy's talking," is a good example; everyone can see they're talking, but as young kids don't know it's wrong to interrupt, have poor impulse control, or just aren't as observant as adults, they often have to be reminded. Similarly, parents often have to explain what they're doing, why they're doing it, how the logic behind something works, etc., simply because their kids don't yet have the life experience to know for themselves.
Some truck weigh stations have large garage-door-type-things with a sign painted on that says "STOP: WAIT UNTIL DOOR IS OPEN." It's hard to imagine who would be oblivious enough to drive through a closed door, yet attentive enough to read a sign telling them not to. Presumably they really mean "completely open," that is, "don't forget that you're driving a 15-foot-tall vehicle," but this isn't much less obvious. There's also the issue that the sign isn't visible when the door is halfway open...
In this day of instant news and Twitter, breaking news feed may end up this way thanks to brevity perhaps going a bit too far. For insance, Bloomberg News published an article that read "Americans Not Engaged In Combat Can't Be Killed, Holder Says." Like Shirou's quote in the infamous fansub, context makes it clear what's going on - there was discussion in the days leading up to this about the legality of the CIA targeting American citizens for assassinations if they're not actually firing guns at US soldiers. The day before, US Representative Rand Paul brought up the concern that the President could kill Americans in the US under this policy - Attorney General Eric Holder is just saying that that action is illegal.
Finnish ski jumping legend Matti Nykänen has become legendary of his nykänisms:
"Life is the best time of a human being"
"Love is like a ball of yarn. It begins - and it ends".
"Every chance is a possibility!"
"Tomorrow is always future"
"I cannot suggest Antabus to anyone. You get a horrible feeling when you drink with it".
"What is left undone cannot be undone"
"Lahti is one site of a place!"
Bloomingdales' self-descriptive little, medium and big brown bags.
