3 in Three: A personified number 3 has to fix the computer she lives in by solving puzzles.
3-on-3 NHL Arcade: Bobbleheads play hockey.
720°: A skateboarder tries to raise enough money to keep skateboarding. This annoys the local insects.
8 Eyes: In a post-apocalyptic future, a falconer defeats and has tea with the world's royalty in a grand effort to solve a logic puzzle.
99 Spirits: A wandering samurai kills ghosts masquerading as everyday objects.
9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors: The Pyro from Team Fortress 2 with an odd number fetish kidnaps a group of anime stereotypes to an ocean cruiser where they have to solve first grade math problems - or die a very gruesome death. A lot of debate is had over the solutions of said problems. This may eventually lead them to screw up the spacetime continuum with the dramatic use of pseudoscience. Or everyone dies. Also, mummies are involved.
Did we mention that you're reading text for most of the game?
Ace Attorney Investigations Miles Edgeworth: The aforementioned old friend of the first lawyer gets hysterically laughed at, mistaken for a drunk, tied up, repeatedly accused of murder, and even assaulted by a badger in the course of solving crimes though the use of logic and really dramatic pointing. Out of the advertised 15 hours of gameplay, the last ten are spent arguing with a human laugh track, a wolf and a tree.
Gyakuten Kenji 2: Aforementioned old friend takes on a series of new cases involving ice cream salesmen, clowns, chefs, old ladies, and Godzilla knockoffs. His middle-aged dad gets in on the action with the chefs in a flashback. Meanwhile, a teenager with Idiot Hair tries to solve crimes despite having a complete and utter inability to do so while managing to gather an English fanbase in the process. This is all suddenly stopped dead by No Export for You.
Alan Wake: An author with writer's block fights off creatures from a book he wrote last week and tries to save his wife with a flashlight. A rock concert is a viable weapon.
Alan Wake's American Nightmare: An author in Arizona runs around a small-town rest stop, looks at the stars in an observatory, and tries to watch a movie. The movie doesn't work, so he does it all again. And again.
Alone In The Dark 3: Guy goes looking for gal from first game, gets stuck in town and cannot leave. Cowboys.
Alpha Protocol: Secret agent has been sent to assassinate a terrorist. Turns out said terrorist has received assistance from said agent's own agency. Lots of people are going to die.
Alternately: A betrayed secret agent's mission of revenge leads him to shoot-outs with cape-wearing spies, crotchety old men, and a Russian gangster wearing a really tacky jacket. At the end of the story, he surrenders, has a long talk with a man with poor fashion taste, and hundreds of people get killed.
Art of Fighting: Martial artists seek to pimp-slap a pimp for kidnapping one of the martial artist's sister.
Art Of Fighting 2 Martial artists and the one martial artist's sister and father seek to pimp-slap a pimp in a tournament run by a familiar sponsor.
Art Of Fighting 3 The other martial artist's friend is kidnapped by a rich guy who wants to be The Hulk. A young girl who tells people to "grow up" is the only memorable and most successful new character.
Assassin's Creed I: A bartender pretends to be the world's greatest assassin on a quest to steal the power of God, who was an alien from Earth.
Assassin's Creed II: Same bartender pretends to be a guy in Renaissance Italy, who is on a twenty year quest to avenge the death of most of his family. Said quest ultimately leads him into a fistfight with The Pope.
Assassin's Creed: Revelations: The confused bartender finally figures everything out with the help of his imaginary friend and pretending to be the two aforementioned men. May or may not have intentional symbolism from the Christian Bible in the title.
Assassin's Creed III: After the bartender stabs his girlfriend (not by choice) he must pretend to be a crotchety British man and his hot blooded but warm hearted Native American son to help his friends and his dad open a door. The fate of the world hangs in the balance.
Alternate: A man with breathtaking anger-management issues punches a large man in the finger until he dies from it. He then punches a masked guy in the face, then an old man in the face, then another old man, then an entire fleet. It culminates in him punching a third old man in the face, followed by the planet. Then, after some impromptu heart surgery, he punches God in the face. Then he finally calms down.
Atelier Iris 2: The Azoth of Destiny: Excalibur can talk. Turns out to be a total Jerkass. Also turns out to have an Evil Counterpart.
Atelier Iris 3: Grand Phantasm: A madman tricks three innocent teenagers into almost nullifying the world's most powerful defense so that an immortal serpent could destroy everything, but this is all secondary to inventing a new dessert, taking orders from a lecherous fairy and fixing a clock.
Atelier Ayesha: The Alchemist of Dusk: Medicine-maker keeps a diary about her journey to find her missing sister.
Athena: The Goddess of War gets bored and takes a walk. There are no survivors.
Psycho Soldier: A young girl who looks just like the heroine of the first game gets psychic powers, teams up with a kid who looks like Rambo, and goes out to kill things. Several years later the Rambo look-alike changes his look and they join a major fighting tournament.
Crystalis: The girl and kid pose as shapeshifting sages, one more effectively than the other, in a post-apocalyptic world. They help an amnesiac find his friend and destroy The Empire. Then they die.
Baldur's Gate II: Shadows Of Amn: An interloper who otherwise has nothing to do with the dispute tries to steal said legacy.
Baldur's Gate II: Throne Of Bhaal: Siblings argue over how to inherit their father's legacy.
Balloon Fight: Up to two fighter pilots whose flight patterns are difficult to maneuver kill birds.
Banjo-Kazooie: A redneck and a snarky girl team up to crush an old woman under a boulder and do jigsaw puzzles. Redneck's sister narrowly escapes transformation into an ogre. Lots of shameless dirty jokes. Rated E.
Banjo-Tooie: Redneck and snarky girl team up to blow up animated skeleton of old woman and do jigsaw puzzles. Redneck's sister mysteriously vanishes forever. Numerous direct references to porn, masturbation, and vag-hair; a gay bar with a tranny waitress; and you murder a loving husband and wife for the sake of collectibles. Rated E.
Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge: Redneck and snarky girl IN THE PAST! Bee lady gives you an extension. Rated E.
Banjo-Pilot: Redneck and snarky girl team up to play Diddy Kong Racing, but find their copy is defective, only having airplanes available to race.
Banjo-Kazooie Nuts And Bolts: Redneck and snarky girl team up to play Grand Theft Auto, but find their copy is defective, being rated E and having some assembly required.
Alternatively, a bear comes out of retirement to stop his home being redeveloped into tower blocks and malls. To end the struggle, a capricious higher power engineers a bear/witch showdown through worlds of the imagination...IN VEHICLES!
The Bard's Tale: Snarky musician seeks coin and cleavage, while maybe saving the world, and all the while bickering with the narrator.
Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden: In a post-apocalyptic world, a retired basketball player runs from the police on a quest to rescue his son and save the world.
Bastion: A kid, an old guy, a homeless girl and a former ambassador try to rebuild a floating society After the End. There are complications.
Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean: Winged Humanoids with terrible voices search for shiny cards.
Baten Kaitos Origins: Two Winged Humanoids and a sarcastic puppet stop the Industrial Revolution.
Batman: Arkham Asylum: An animal-cosplayer spends a night visiting a hospital, beating up patients and the personnel currently in charge, and hiding on statues.
Alternatively, billionaire dresses up and punches the criminally insane.
Batman: Arkham City: Several months later, the same animal-cosplayer is thrown into a ghetto prison and helps a clown with a terminal illness. Many accurate comparisons to Adolf Hitler are made.
Batman: Arkham Origins: Two years earlier, a guy who almost always wears a mask really doesn't like animal-cosplayers, so he asks people to kill the previously-mentioned animal-cosplayer. Those who take up the offer include a drug addict, a ninja, a man with a skin condition, and a burn victim. The cosplayer's butler keeps talking about ham.
Bikini Karate Babes: A large group of attractive women leave themselves abandoned on an uninhabited island, all but one wearing nothing but bikinis, and proceed to lightly tap the crap out of each other. The Sub-Boss has the amazing ability to remove bikini tops and likes it so much she uses it on everyone INCLUDING HERSELF.
Billy Hatcher and The Giant Egg: A boy and his three friends get transported to a land of chickens, dress in chicken suits, then proceed to spend game rolling around eggs. Oh, and they make the eggs hatch into creatures/hats/items by feeding them fruit. Oh, and all the enemies in the game are lots of crows clumped together.
Bionic Commando: One-armed soldier must defeat thousands of well-armed troops. Without the ability to jump.
BioShock: Ayn Rand fights The Mafia, twenty thousand leagues under the sea. Then you show up and resolve the situation. With a magical hand that shoots bees.
Or: A mysterious man investigates an underwater city and kills a man who resembles Walt Disney with a golf club, which was all part of The Mafia's plan.
BioShock 2: About ten years later, a man in a diving suit stabs people with a drill in order to save a girl from an evil altruist.
BioShock 2 Multiplayer: About eleven years earlier, a football player with an obsession with winning, a southern Corrupt Corporate Executive, a man wearing goggles named after a Memetic Badass, a deranged housewife, Amelia Earheart, a sociopathic psychic, Blance, Captain Ahab, a prison inmate who knew Knuckles the Echidna, and a black guy with a love of cats fight for either Ayn Rand or The Mafia, ultimately going insane in the process.
BioShock Infinite: A father changes his travel plans, making his daughter very angry.
Or: A man saves his daughter by preventing himself from getting baptized.
Or: A man attempts to save a woman imprisoned by her neglectful father, only to remember that everything is really his own fault.
Or: A man growing a beard and finding religion drives his daughter to destroy the world.
Or: Girl saves the multiverse by helping her father commit suicide and turning herself back into a baby.
Blaster Master: A boy commandeers a military vehicle while searching for his irradiated pet frog.
Blast Works (originally TUMIKI Fighters): Ships are made of building blocks.
BlazBlue: Three orphans do the same thing again and again whether they like it or not. The player will have a hankering for meat buns. Meanwhile, a snooty vampire lolita tries to stop a Villain Sue with both employing endless plans.
Blood II: The Nightmare Levels: Deadpan Snarker zombie from the Wild West and his buddies camp out in the sixth dimension and dream of the times they ran around lightning cultists and zombies on fire.
Bloody Roar: Furries beat the crap out of each other; the boss is a little girl who turns first into an older floating woman and then into a really buff devil.
Bloody Roar 2: More furries beat the crap out of each other in an extended racism allegory. The boss from the last game is now a cute Cat Girl, and the new boss is a clone of a character from the last game.
Bloody Roar 3: Furries find magic tattoos on their bodies that will eventually kill them. They decide to fix this by beating the crap out of each other. The boss this time is a White Hair, Black Heart who turns into a beast with prehensile spikes all over its body.
Bloody Roar: Primal Fury/Extreme: Same as above, but for non-Sony consoles. The boss is a pint-sized effeminate penguin, unless he is on fire, or his mother.
Alternately: Fight with your friends over who gets the best gun.
Borderlands: The Zombie Island of Doctor Ned: Zombies. Guns. Also, a doctor with a mustache.
Borderlands: Mad Moxxi's Underdome: A lady with heavy armaments and a love for violence throws a gladiatorial combat.
Borderlands: The Secret Armory of General Knoxx: A general who really doesn't want to invade a deserted planet brings his army of Helghast-lookalikes. You interrupt his attempt to commit suicide after an argument with a five-year-old.
Borderlands: Claptrap's Robo-lution: An angry robot tries to Take Over the World. Bullets and badasses are needed to stop him.
Borderlands 2: Captain Scarlet and Her Pirate's Booty: Pirates search for hidden treasure, and plot to betray you. Also, you blow up a perverted hermit.
Borderlands 2: Mister Torgue's Campaign of Carnage: EXPLOOOOOSSSSIONS: The DLC
Borderlands 2: Sir Hammerlock's Big Game Hunt: A Gentleman Adventurer sends you out to kill big, scary things. A loser and his army of savages get in the way.
Borderlands 2: Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep: A friendly game devolves into psycho-analysis, force-feeding a thirteen-yearold girl a salad, and shotguns that shoot swords that explode into smaller swords which also explode.
A Boy and His Blob (Wii) Same thing, but the Anvilicious health message doesn't apply anymore because the kid is immortal and already has an infinite supply of jelly beans. Before the kid challenges the evil emperor, he takes a nap in his Evil Tower of Ominousness.
Braid: A guy does jigsaw puzzles in his efforts to track down his ex-girlfriend. When he finally touches her, she explodes.
Alternately: Retcon: The Game.
Alternately: How one man loved the bomb and learned to start worrying.
Brain Age: High school SATs as a video game. May make you remember what you said you had for breakfast a few days ago.
Puzzle Bobble aka Bust-A-Move: Two duplicate cute little dragons must run a machine that shoots bubbles at bubbles to pop them and prevent them from building up too much. Letting that happen kills them like in the series this has spun off of.
Puzzle Bobble 2: The duplicate twins are no more, and a cute little dragon leaves the machine running to you and watches your progress. This time, letting bubbles build up too much makes him very panicky or really upset.
Puzzle Bobble 2, VS CPU mode: Go around the world picking shoot-bubble duels with random strangers, some of which cheat.
Puzzle Bobble 3 aka Bust-A-Move 3: Same as the above, but the cute little dragon looks more like he's from an anime, and the Descending Ceiling is replaced by hovering flashing dots.
Puzzle Bobble 3, VS CPU mode: Go inside a bunch of arcade machines to pick shoot-bubble duels with their characters. First you have to face yourself.
Puzzle Bobble 4 aka Bust-A-Move 4: Same as the above, but the boy cute little dragon looks normal again, and pulleys join the flashing dots. A bunch of random characters join in on the fun. This time, letting bubbles build up makes them very dizzy or something, and dropped bubbles automatically fly back up to pop other bubbles.
Puzzle Bobble 4, VS CPU mode: Go IN SPACE to pick shoot-bubble duels with others to get all of an implied Plot Coupon.
Captain Rainbow: A washed-up superhero from Eagleland heads to an island where he can beat people up to make kids watch a television show about him. Along the way, he must help a transgendered dinosaur pick-up some men, help a lazy army become volleyball superstars, and aid a samurai-in-training in controlling his urges around women.
Carmageddon: A racing game that puts the "laughter" back in "vehicular manslaughter".
Alternatively: demolition derby in population-dense area.
Castlevania: Curse Of Darkness: 3 years after one of the old man's deaths, one of his ex-underlings goes after another of his ex-underlings. There's also a lady who looks suspiciously like the first underling's late girlfriend and a chap with odd fashion sense.
Or: A member of the family is shown up by a disgruntled former employee of the old man, who massacres his former boss and coworkers using his Pokémon skills.
Chibi Robo: A sentient android who is also a Heroic Mime discovers alien life, travels through time, and saves the world from evil robot spiders. Does that sound a bit too normal for Better Than It Sounds? Highlight that spoiler tag.
Child of Eden: In the 23rd century, a virus is attacking the virtual projection of the first girl born in space. You are the antivirus. On your quest you'll battle a giant whale, a giant flower, and a giant satellite.
Civilization: The main character is the leader of a small band of primitive nomads. He is told that he must either conquer the world or take his people to another. He is given a very long lifespan in order to do so.
Clayfighter: Circus freaks mutated by a meteor from space beat the crap out of each other.
The Cliffhanger Edward Randy: Shameless ripoff character misses a date with his girlfriend.
Clock Tower: Girl runs away from a midget who wields a pair of hedge-trimmers.
Clock Tower 2: Girl, guardian and cop run away from the midget's brother. Psychiatrist and assistant dress up in an attempt at self-therapy.
Clock Tower: Ghost Head: Girl with a manly voice shoots her own niece, then repeatedly beats her father over the head with a fire extinguisher.
Clock Tower 3: An old man comes up with an overly convoluted scheme to murder his own granddaughter, never realising that she never would've suspected him if he had just greeted her normally.
Command and Conquer: Tiberian Sun The bald guy's cult and the UN - led by Darth Vader and that guy from Aliens - fight over an alien floppy disc.
Command and Conquer: Tiberian Sun: Firestorm The bald guy's computer goes crazy as hell when the UN tries to use it to read the alien floppy disk.
Command and Conquer: Tiberium Wars: The bald guy's cult kicks the UN in the crotch so Lando Calrissian will shoot him with their space lasers. Alien crack addicts show up and are angry at the kids on their lawn.
Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2: World War III. Soviet Russia invades America with blimps, tank-eating spiderbots, psychics, and giant squid. America fights back with dolphins, teleporting time commandos, and weather control machines.
Command and Conquer: Red Alert 2: Yuri's Revenge Crazy psychic tries to take over the world. America and/or Soviet Russia create a time paradox to stop this.
Commander Keen 1-3: Boy genius fights aliens who intend to destroy the world. He uses stuff he made out of crap in his dad's garage and his mom's fridge. A classmate was behind it the whole time.
Keen Dreams: Boy genius refuses to eat his dinner and is transported to a land of evil talking vegetables. He fights them with flowers.
Commander Keen 4-5: Boy genius fights meaner aliens who intend to destroy the galaxy. He uses stuff he made out of crap in his dad's garage and his mom's fridge. A classmate was behind it the whole time.
Commander Keen 6: Boy genius fights meaner aliens who intend to eat his babysitter. He uses stuff he made out of crap in his dad's garage and his mom's fridge. A classmate was behind it the whole time.
Commander Keen: The Universe is Toast: Stymied by the inability of the boy genius to continue his tale, the internet sets out to defeat the classmate once and for all. People are all right with this.
Alternately: Get pinned down by MG fire, then blown to pieces by mortars.
Condemned: Criminal Origins Although he's chasing a serial killer AND on the run from a Crime He Didn't Commit, a Federal Agent spends most of his time beating homeless people to death with a lead pipe.
Condemned 2: Bloodshot: A Federal Agent turned hobo fights against the ancient conspiracy whose sonic devices cause crime and paranoia among men. Now Special Forces on top of the homeless face his lead pipe wrath. Later he beats them to death by yelling at them.
Contra: Shattered Soldier: One of the soldiers is framed for global mass murder in an effort to cover up another soldier's death. Once the first soldier finds out, he decides to kill the other soldier again. By entering his body.
Corpse Party: High School students are trapped in a hellish dimension. Escape or die trying.
Cortex Command: Make a base, then defend it against hordes of idiots with heavy weaponry and the ability to headbutt through solid steel.
Cosmo's Cosmic Adventure: A naked green alien kid with chicken pox and plungers for hands wants to go to Disney World for his birthday. His ship crashes on a forbidden planet and, before he can find his missing parents, he gets eaten by a giant monster.
Costume Quest: Candy-stealing goblins and trolls are no match for a kid in his/her cardboard robot suit.
Counter-Strike: Counter-terrorists attempt to thwart terrorists. That's about it.
Counter-Strike Source: Counter-terrorists attempt to thwart terrorists with physics and bloom effects.
Crash Bandicoot (1996): An anthropomorphic marsupial exacts revenge on the balding scientist who granted him sentience.
Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped: A giant mask escapes from a mountain to collect crystals through time with the help of a man holding a giant tuning fork.
Crash Team Racing: An alien challenges eight of Earth's defenders, including a cat from Ancient China and a polar bear to a race with go-karts with the fate of the world at stake. Racing is serious business!
Crazy Taxi: The world's worst drivers are hired as chauffeurs.
Crysis: A special forces soldier in a futuristic catsuit battles the Red Menace and robotic squids that spew ice.
Crystal Quest: A six-legged Space Cow in a flying saucer vacuums up some crystals, then moans erotically. In the sequel, she alternates crystal collecting with destroying fine art and doing four-piece jigsaw puzzles.
Danganronpa: A group of high school students are imprisoned inside of a school. The only way to graduate is by killing a fellow student and getting away with it. The principal of the school is an evil teddy bear.
Darius: Mechanical marine life is attacking a planet.
Dark Castle: A man prone to tripping over ledges confronts an Evil Overlord, who hurls mugs of substandard beer in his general direction.
Dark Cloud: An ancient evil is let out of its jar and is ending the world, and the only people who can stop it are a race of bunnies who live on the moon. A boy and his cat set out to find them, rearranging cities into more convenient configurations for the residents as they go.
Dark Cloud 2: Another ancient evil in the form of a cute fluffy bunny is tampering with the past to destroy the future, so a mama's boy whose never left his home town before and a princess from the future who both possess magic stones have to stop him.
Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II: The guy in question, surprise surprise, turns out to be a Jedi, and has to kill the seven Dark Jedi that killed his father. Stop me if this sounds familiar.
Jedi Knight: Mysteries Of The Sith The guy gets himself in serious trouble, and Luke Skywalker's future wife has to bail him out. She brings her friend back from The Dark Side by not fighting him. How original.
Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast: The guy decides he wants to be a Jedi again, because hey, what better way to get revenge for a loved one's death than The Force? I wonder how that works out for him.
Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy: The guy's apprentices squabble and go hunting for people worshipping a dead guy. In months they become more badass than he ever was.
Darklands: Four random people group together to wander aimlessly around 15th-century Europe, and they may or may not end up defeating the devil.
darkSector: You throw a lethal piece of your body at your enemies. Like a boomerang.
Dark Seed: A man has to deal with a headache which comes as a result from him realising how horrible his new house (which he apparently never even looked at before buying) truly is.
Darksiders II: The swordsman's brother must battle waves of enemies and solve environmental puzzles to find out what really happened to the swordsman... and to clear the swordsman's name.
Dark Souls: Most of the people in this game are undead. Even you. And this game is absurdly difficult.
A man murders the esteemed rulers of a nation to start a fire.
Darkstalkers: Public domain monster movie characters battle each other, a perpetually-burning alien, and a demon who attacks by cutting himself.
Darwinia: A computer scientist's games console is a huge flop, so he networks them all together to make a virtual world. When it gets a virus, you lead the inhabitants in war. They die in droves, but you collect their souls to resurrect them.
De Blob: A ball of paint must recolour an entire city in order to save it from a dictatorship and their army of ink blots and giant pens.
Better yet: The object of the game is pretty much just to touch everything.
Dead or Alive Xtreme: The girls go to an island, play games and give each other gifts.
Dead Rising: Journalist who likes to boast that he's covered wars gets locked in a shopping mall for 72 hours, and passes the time by killing angry people with nearly anythinghe can pick up and thwarting a government conspiracy.
Alternatively, wasps sting people and make them very hungry.
Or: A journalist spends 72 hours killing zombies with various items while wearing a dress. Rumor has it the game actually has a plot.
Dead Rising 2: A gameshow contestant takes the fall for a criminal, and works out his frustration by killing everyone around him and gambling to buy shots for his underage daughter.
Dead Space: A repairman is attacked when he comes to fix the interstellar phone.
Dead Space 2: A schizophrenic space janitor tries to cleanse himself and others around him of the next evolutionary step of thetans, using improvised means.
Dead to Rights: In one of the greatest Sin City stories Frank Miller never wrote, a loose cannon ex-cop and his dog look for the murderer of the ex-cop's father. Brings down international crime ring.
Deadly Creatures: Two brothers bicker over a hidden treasure. Instead of playing as either of them, you follow the everyday lives of a tarantula and a scorpion living in an American desert.
Deadly Premonition: Man who talks to coffee embarks on a quest to stop trees from growing in a country town. Along the way he eats a cornflake, jam and turkey sandwich on the FBI's dollar and shoots some locals.
Dear Esther: A man walks across an island. There are no puzzles, enemies, or other characters.
Death Smiles: Teenagers use artillery to stop the wrongdoings of a friend's abusive father.
Devil May Cry 3: Guy who eats pizza in slo-mo gets his shop ruined and goes after his Evil Twin who did it, climbing a "thick shaftthat causes women to shudder" in the process. They are forced to team up against a bald guy with heterochromia who turns into a blob through their father's power. The Evil Twin falls off a cliff.
Devil May Cry 4: Pope-lookalike gets headshot and his underlings must find the murderer. Only it turns out that the murderer might have had good reasonfor doing so...
Diablo II: Defeat the hero from the last game, who became the Sealed Evil in a Can by jamming the sharp glass shard into his face. This involves travelling all around the world and killing loads of stuff.
Diablo II: Lord of Destruction: Defeat the Sealed Evil in a Can's brother who you totally forgot about at the end of the last game.
Diablo III: Continue playing in the world of the last two games. The hero from the first game and all the interesting bosses are still dead.
Diddy Kong Racing: A tall punk, a peanut-lover, some guy in overalls, a goggle-lovin' Texan, a bird-lovin' Redneck, a drunken king, some guy with a shell, a Sailor Moon fanatic, a kid who inherited Hawaii, an over-sized Indian, and a sentient clock defend the world from a 50-foot tall alien and his brainwashed slaves...by RACING THEM! Lots and lots of balloons are required too.
Diddy Kong Racing DS: 14 years later, Hawaii is still being hollowed-out, the bird-lovin' Redneck and drunken king now work at Microsoft, the peanut-lover's fanservice-sisters take their places, said peanut-lover's island also becomes a racetrack, and all get to play with clouds and toys. Otherwise, it's still all about RACING and balloons.
Die Anstalt: Serve as a psychotherapist to stuffed toys.
Alternatively: A paranoid wanderer, a mute autistic, a hot-tempered schizophrenic, an easily-distracted Manchild, a schedule-oriented pseudo-athlete and a psychologist are all in one room. You have to take each one and alternate between going into their dreams and watching them interact with objects for ten minutes.
Dig Dug: A fragile guy with an air pump digs tunnels and blows up local wildlife.
Dig-Dug II: The guy can also destroy islands.
Digimon World 3: Not being able to log out from an MMORPG turns people into pigs.
Dino Crisis: A girl who believes dyeing her hair bright red to be proper spy attire acts incredibly bored around living proof of Time Travel, when she's not killing it.
Dino Crisis 2: The girl gets into a bunch of arguments with an unrelated man until he learns that he's fathered a child.
Dino Run (Flash Game): Run away from impending doom, all while consuming smaller creatures on the food chain, stealing eggs and being a dick to everything you come across.
Disgaea: Hell-as-designed-by-Tim-Burton isn't so bad, but "quirky" does not even begin to describe the folks who live there. A series wherein the cast of characters tends to be as Genre Savvy and medium aware as the player.
Asagi Wars: the main character of a cancelled game is now a dead criminal.
Disgaea Infinite: A dead criminal travels through time and tries to prevent an assassination attempt against his overlord. Pudding is involved.
Dishonored: Go from being an esteemed public figure to skulking around in the shadows, robbing or murdering people who are just trying to get by in the middle of a crisis, sending several people to fates worse than death, and willingly becoming the plaything of a dark god.
Dizzy: A sentient egg saves his friends from the big bad by carrying random objects from one side of the land to another.
DoDonPachi: A nameless pilot with a Big F'ing Laser slaughters his own troops. Then he fights a bee.
Alternately: Kill thousands of innocent soldiers in a "training exercise". Then do it again, only harder.
Dokapon Kingdom: Miserly king offers his daughter's hand in marriage to backstabbers, looters and kill-stealers.
Doki Doki Majo Shinpan: You must save the world from witches by feeling up underage girls.
Or: God tells you to touch teenaged girls.
Don't Shoot the Puppy: It gets harder and harder not to kill a dog.
Don't Starve: A mad scientist is stranded in a hostile wilderness. He passes the time with cookery, scientific research, and making dummies of himself out of meat and his own facial hair. Later, you get the ability to play as an adorable pyromaniac, a haunted girl, a hulk speaking strong-man, a psychotic robot, an insomniac librarian, a lumberjack who talks to his axe, or a wimpy mime.
Donkey Kong: A carpenter climbs an unfinished tower in pursuit of a giant beast who has kidnapped his lover. Background music loops once to four times per second.
Donkey Kong Junior: A young lad must rescue his father from a carpenter.
Donkey Kong 3: A man must stop a giant animal from destroying his greenhouse, armed with nothing but a can of bug spray. He is never seen again.
Dragon Quest Swords: The Masked Queen and the Tower of Mirrors: Son of a legendary swordsman performs amazing feats for a queen who doesn't want to talk to anyone.
Dragon's Crown: Physically disproportionate D&D characters goes on a quest to save a kingdom from orcs.
Dragon's Dogma: A heartless hero must go on a quest to slay a dragon. It is accomplished by climbing and killing monsters. They are also helped by online avatars of sidekicks by other heartless heroes.
Dragon's Lair: You follow flashes of light in order to watch an animated fantasy movie. Press the button at exactly the right moment or you can't watch the next bit.
Drawn to Life: Save the world from encroaching darkness by making it your personal sketchbook.
Drawn to Life: The Next Chapter (Wii): Fetch quests, and the villain can't remember what her husband looked like.
Drawn to Life: The Next Chapter (DS): God hides his true motive from himself, and fans wish they'd never asked about the Ensemble Darkhorses' origins.
Alternately, The villain darns color just for there to be a world for him to rule. The ending proves a lot of people do not understand magic dreams.
Drill Dozer: A little girl in a tank spends her time stealing rocks.
Driver: San Francisco: A cop goes into a coma, thinks he can possess people, and hunts down an escaped crime lord in his dreams. This is more effective than the entire real-world police force.
Dr. Mario: A blue-collar repairman can cure any disease, but only if he administers the medications in exactly the right order.
Dr. Mario 64: Fat guy steals his pills.
Dr. Luigi: The same, except the pills are L-shaped.
Dubloon: A crew of pirates search for a specific treasure chest.
Duck Hunt: You are a weekend warrior. Your dog indulges in schadenfreude.
DuckTales: Money-grubbing duck travels the four corners of the world for more money. People just remember the Moon.
DuckTales 2 In the lesser known sequel, the-money grabbing duck expands his horizon. One of the level names is also humorously an animal sound.
DuckTales Remastered: Same game as the first, now everyone talks. They still remember the Moon. Also more emphasis on story.
Duke Nukem I: Man in a pink vest goes after aspiring world conqueror for interrupting his favorite talk show.
Duke Nukem II: The same pink-shirted man is kidnapped while on his favorite talk show by aliens who want to use his brain to formulate a plan to conquer the world. He escapes using a bomb in his molar.
Micromanage a collection of absent-minded, depressed, alcoholic midgets with beards into building an underground house in the middle of a hostile wilderness. The official motto of the game is "Losing is fun!"
A fantasy world generator/simulator pairing worryingly accurate down-to-the-atom realistic game mechanics with outdated, 3-decades-ago, unrealistic ASCII graphics.
Fortress Mode: A bunch of midgets that often refuse to listen to you build a fortress. The fortress will crumble. Then, build some more fortress. Repeat.
Adventure Mode: You're a person in a giant world. There's no story, no direction whatsoever and you get brutally murdered by everything.
Dynamite Headdy: A puppet saves the world by headbutting everyone and everything he comes across.
Earthbound (Mother 2): Four kids face such horrific monsters as moving traffic signs, violent hippies, animate cups of coffee, and living fire hydrants in order to stop a time-traveling facelike entity.
MOTHER: Three kids defeat the aforementioned time-traveling facelike entity ten years earlier (when he still had a body and wasn't a facelike entity) — by singing to him.
Mother 3: An emotionally broken boy and his dog try to stop a fat old man who uses television and lightning to control an island, with the help of weird people (and their pets).
Or, as put on the series's fansite's forums: Transvestites defend the world by giving a giant dragon acupuncture.
Ecco the Dolphin : Magic dolphin travels through time to heal an ancient being by going to the past and smacking it in the balls. eh also fights aliens and doesnt afraid of anything.
Tides of Time: Magic dolphin follows flying magic dolphin to a time that doesn't exist yet to get orders from slain ancient being to reconstruct it in the present from body parts that have been scattered to a different time that doesn't exist yet. Then a dolphin army fights aliens. And you vanish. Maybe.
Ecco Jr.: Magic dolphin takes time off from time travel and xenocide to play educational games with small children.
Defender of the Future: Aliens break time, magic dolphin makes it worse a few times before getting it right.
Eco Quest: A 10-year-old boy dives after a talking dolphin to discover ancient and heavily-littered Greek ruins at the bottom of the ocean, populated by talking fish who live in tenements. Everything is blamed on nuclear waste.
Eco Quest 2: Same boy is kidnapped by talking river otters in the deep (and heavily-littered) rainforest. He visits an English-speaking native village and (when it burns down) thwarts a single-minded poacher by planting a tree.
Einhänder: The Moon hates the Earth, so a plane from the moon is sent down to wreak havoc on Earth. The plane fights a griffin, a dragon, a shrimp, a spider, a wall lizard, an amphibian, a thunderbird, a mad monkey, a vulture, a black ghost, and a couple of Humongous Mecha.
Epic Battle Fantasy 4: A forest ranger gets pissed off at the heroes of the first overworld game for stealing everything that's not nailed down, while doing the same thing herself, and seeks them to chew them out, ending up redeeming catkind.
EVE Online: The fanciest frontend to Microsoft Excel you'll ever see.
Alternately: Play as one of elite space ship captains, most of which spend maybe a couple hours in space every day.
Alternately: Hardcore Economics: The MMORPG
Ever17: Bored sleep-deprived people contemplate time travel, parallel dimensions and love. To understand what's really going on you have to beat the game at least five times.
Eversion: A cute, primitive Mario clone that requires you to change the look of the environment to progress. To hell and beyond.
E.V.O.: Search for Eden: In his quest to meet a hot girl, a small fish learns to be a real boy, killing everybody and everything along the way, from sharks to bees to dinosaurs to yetis to giant cells. Only the aliens survive.
Or, alternately, a James Bond villain's revenge fantasy.
Eye of the Beholder: A band of adventurers venture into the city sewers to fight an unknown evil. They forget to bring a map with them, and get lost.
Eye Of The Beholder II: The same band of adventurers visit the temple. They forget to bring a map with them, and get lost.
Dungeon Hack: A lone adventurer ventures into a castle to find a magic artifact. Unlike a certain band of adventurers, he brings a map with him, and doesn't get lost.
Fable (general): Watch as your virtual paper doll changes appearance based on whether you smash dudes, shoot dudes, blow up dudes with your mind, or some combination thereof.
Fable: A boy grows up in a colourful fantasy world, and embarks on a quest for revenge against a man in a party mask.
Fable II: A boy (or girl) and his dog grow up in a colourful fantasy world, and embark on a quest for revenge against a rich nobleman. He has the help of an inscrutable blind woman, a fat chick with a sledgehammer, a heavily-tattooed black guy, and a smug bisexual pirate.
Fable III: A boy (or girl) decides he can do a better job than his brother at politics, so he and his dog embark on a quest to start a revolution.
Facade: Amazing new text recognition technology allows you to communicate seamlessly with a couple of stuttering, maladjusted, insufferable idiots.
Fallen London, née Echo Bazaar: Some time ago, a major European city was stolen by bats. Well, maybe not stolen. Now, Cthulhu's human (ish) cousins rub shoulders with devils, golems, and foreigners while the player character decides what to do with himself/herself/none-of-the-above.
Fallout (series): An individual walks through hostile, often lonesome wasteland in the aftermath of a worldwide thermonuclear war. Also, everyone's still culturally in The Fifties.
Point Lookout: Youth is attacked by rednecks, drugged and lobotomized.
Fallout: New Vegas: A postal worker goes postal while looking for a missing package. The game starts with you getting shot in the face.
Dead Money: The postal worker teams up with a schizophrenic, a mute, and a lounge singer to get into a basement.
Honest Hearts: The postal worker goes hiking with the natives.
Old World Blues: The postal worker does science while two light switches, a robotic planter, and a scientist make sexual advances toward said worker.
Lonesome Road: The postal worker has a homecoming party with another coworker.
Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel: A youth joins a techno-religious organization and looks for an ancient bomb shelter. The game starts with you immediately shoved into a mission with two useless teammates who keep shooting you in the back.
Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel: A youth joins a techno-religious organization and is sent to Texas to find some lost soldiers. After fighting a Stripperiffic woman and a 10-foot-tall ghoul priest, you confront a super mutant who turns into a giant biomass, who you proceed to nuke.
Fancy Pants Adventures: A man embarks on elaborate quests to wake up a penguin, get revenge on a rabbit for stealing his ice-cream, and save his sister from a band of pirates who want her as captain instead of their current wussy one. All of the above (except the sister) are better drawn than him.
Far Cry: Ex-Special Forces fellow needs to save reporter from mercenaries and mutants on a tropical island.
Far Cry: Instincts: A mad scientist and his triggery-happy mercenaries blow up a man's boat. The man gets a mean right hook.
Fatal Frame: A teenaged girl screams at rope and takes pictures of dead people.
Fatal Frame 2: Twin lolis take pictures of dead people who make grabby hands at them.
Fatal Frame 3: A depressed photographer, alongside the depressed protagonist of the first game and a not-quite-as-depressed-as-everyone-else nonfiction writer wander around a dream manor and take pictures of dead people.
Fatal Frame 4: A teenaged girl goes to an abandoned sanatorium to try and remember things, and ends up taking pictures of dead people. Two other teenaged girls go there too, and one of them takes pictures of dead people like the other girl. There is also a detective, and he shines a flashlight at dead people.
Unlimited Blade Works: Superhero from the future attempts to kill self, thwarted by self. Ancient king learns the value of fake weaponry.
Heaven's Feel: Nice girl goes insane and eats a town despite Medusa's best efforts. Ordinary High-School Student decides that ethics suck and beats up a priest.
F.E.A.R.: Mom tells her son to go eat people she doesn't like. Her other son gets in the way, and she tries to make them get along.
Alternatively: A battalion of soldiers made up entirely of clones of their commander go rogue because the commander's dead mother told him to. His mute, time-freezing twin brother murders them all while hallucinating a lot.
F.E.A.R. expansions: A dead psychic comes back as a poltergeist and decides he hates all his brother's new friends. A bald-yet-otherwise-identical man looks for mercenaries in the sewers on Steve Blum's orders.
F.E.A.R. 2: Reborn: A clone soldier goes on a bad acid trip and murders his entire platoon.
F.3.A.R: The bickering sons, one of whom is dead, work together to kill their mother and kidnap their sister. The fate of the world is at stake.
Feeding Frenzy: Fish (and eventually, a mammal) eat their way to the top of the food chain.
Feeding Frenzy 2: Shipwreck Showdown: Fish save the sea from a strange fish, by eating each other.
Feel the Magic: XY/XX: Engage in bizarre, death-defying, or just plain stupid activities to try to impress a girl, with the help of performance artists in silly costumes. Also, there are villains, though their motives are unknown.
The Rub Rabbits!: Prequel to the above game, with similar storyline, though there are now other guys who are also in love with the girl that you're in love with, and the villain is female. At the end, you become the leader and founder of the eponymous troupe, and the other guys make up the rest of the troupe.
Fighters Megamix: A game with no story features characters from many different games including a giant fighting bean, a bomb-throwing duck named Bean, and a standing, fighting car.
Final Fantasy: Series of stories whose only common factors are a species of overgrown yellow birds, white teddy bears with wings, flying boats, and a bunch of guys with the same name...oh, and crystals. Lots of crystals.
Final Fantasy I: A group of fated warriors solve global warming through violence. Crystal balls figure heavily.
Final Fantasy II: Three friends join La Résistance and indulge in self-mutilation to become stronger. You spend half the game trying to check out a banned library book.
Final Fantasy III: World's greatest magician forgets to do a background check on his apprentices.
Snubbed at his birthday party, an easily angered man attempts to destroy multiple worlds to slight the gift-giver.
Quoted directly from Zero Punctuation: "There's a guy trying to destroy the world because he's a dick."
Final Fantasy VII: A celebrity stalker is lied to by his girlfriend, while a momma's boy has a temper tantrum. Side plots include racing birds, stealing motorcycles, the militant arm of Green Peace, and everyone feels bad because the Cutie gets cut by a Ginsu knife.
Final Fantasy XI: Wings of the Goddess: The person gets in adventure for the fifth time (And for the fifth time, not really solo), this time by getting eaten and spit out by giant mouths into a war, and has adventures with a showgirl and another cat.
Final Fantasy XII: A callow orphan joins a princess leading a resistance against an evil empire. Along the way, he's mentored by a wise older knight. They're joined by a charming scoundrel, his tall, furry partner, an excitable half-pint, a suave black dude, and a stuffy British person. A guy in black armor gets in the way a lot, as does his boss The Emperor. There's twins and daddy issues too. It's totally not based onStar Wars. Really.
Alternately, you must kill 10 people in cold blood to be able to wear your new leather hat.
The Fabula Nova Crystallis series in-general: Square's attempt to create a meta-franchise spectacularly implodes after two thirds of the promised games fall into Development Hell and emerge half a decade later stripped of their XIII's.
Fire Emblem: Mystery of the Emblem: The same blue-haired pants-less prince loses his kingdom again when an ally performs a Face-Heel Turn. He joins up with old friends to get back his kingdom. Also, the dragon from before is involved and the blue-haired wonder becomes king of the world.
Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War: A hero goes to rescue a captured princess and gets caught up in a plot that has his wife brainwashed and made to breed with her half brother to resurrect a dark god. Oh, and he gets killed as soon as he learns of this.
Fire Emblem: Thracia 776: Two girls are kidnapped by a traitorous Duke. This all leads to a 15 year old boy and a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits killing a religious leader.
Fire Emblem: Sword of Seals: Red haired child Casanova needs to go stop a militant country from crushing the world, as well as its ruler, who made a soulless dragon girl his bitch.
Fire Emblem: Blazing Sword: The father of the hero of the prequel which is actually the sequel goes off on a journey to find his dad with the help of two musical dragons. Then he has to go stop a Gonk from destroying the world and sucking out everyone's soul in the universe.
Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn: A holy goddess decides to punish her creations for going to war too much by killing them all. The mercenary in the previous game teams up with a side character from the previous game, his girlfriend and the goddess's "Evil" counterpart to kill the holy goddess first.
FreeSpace: The Great War: Quasi-fascist human military state teams up with philosophy-spouting desert-dwelling aliens to drive off evil space bugs intent on killing anyone who is not an evil space bug and a doomsday cult with spaceships. Featureless Protagonist pilot single-handedly leads the quasi-fascists to victory in his Space Fighter.
FreeSpace 2: The humans and aliens have merged into the United Nations IN SPACE! They fight evil space racists and then the evil space bugs show up and start killing people again. Featureless Protagonist pilot amasses an enormous body count and the space bugs blow up a star and leave for no apparent reason.