Lady: My Life as a Bitch: A girl gets turned into a dog by a magical tramp. She then proceeds to be confused about whether being a dog or human is better, and has sex with another guy who was also turned into a dog.
The Last Unicorn: A reclusive, unloving hermit is forced to go on a quest to rescue the rest of her kind after a jive-talking butterfly hints that they've been taken prisoner by a lightly carbonated energy drink. Over the course of her adventures, she learns how to love, but eventually gets better.
Le Ton beau de Marot: An obscure French poem is translated at least a dozen times while an intellectual discusses Woolseyisms.
Learning The World: A blogger on a space ark documents humanity's first encounter with the Alien Space Bats.
Les Misérables: Convict escapes justice. Valiant capture attempt by devoted police force prove futile. Student uprising ends in massacre. And then there's a wedding. And it goes for about 1700 pages in the unabridged version.
Life of Pi: Boy spends several chapters talking about how zoo animals are better off than those in the wild and his practicing three religions. Then he gets lost at sea sharing a boat with a Bengal tiger that is possibly his imaginary friend.
A Little Love Song: A seventeen-year-old girl judges people for having premarital sex, is tricked into sleeping with a Jerk Ass then falls in love with his cousin and sleeps with him too, reads a dead woman's diary, works in a bookshop, and delivers a baby. Also, it's World War II.
The Little Prince: A pilot crashes in the desert. Near dying from thirst, he meets an extraterrestrial. They talk philosophy.
Little Women: Four sisters with very different personalities grow up next door to a boy who plays the piano. One of them dies.
Little Men: One of the sisters runs a school for kids who can't be trusted in the real world. Hilarity Ensues.
Jo's Boys: The kids are all grown up and still wreaking havoc. One girl becomes a doctor, another falls in love with a penniless violinist, and the adopted son of the woman running the school wants to marry his cousin.
Lolita: Man marries woman because he lusts after her prepubescent daughter; after said woman is conveniently written out of the picture, he starts a sexual relationship with his stepdaughter.
Lone Wolf: The main character gets eaten by wolves, killed in battle, enslaved, frozen to death, eats a poisoned meal someone anonymously sent to his room, is murdered in his sleep, incinerated, asphyxiated, stabbed to death, ventilated, made into a pin-cushion, falls to his doom, drowns, gets strangled, hacked to pieces, crushed by a falling mast, executed as an enemy of the state, gets eaten (a lot), blows himself up (at least twice, in one case taking half a city with him), gets his throat slit by muggers, crushed by falling granite, tortured to death, killed by radiation (and his corpse put on display by his arch-nemesis du jour, which eventually leads to the nemesis' death by same), saves the world, opens someone's safety deposit box and gets stabbed by a poison needle booby-trap, is drugged and used as a subject for an experimental taxidermy procedure, passes out and falls into a pit of lava, is killed by a mob with pitchforks after trying to hide in a bale of hay, gives away his position to thousands of hostiles, succumbs to bio-terrorism, and startles a small man with a gun. And it's all your fault. Death is not cheap, and this character is not Nigh Invulnerable. Despite all this, he's still a total Badass. This story cannot be fully comprehended on the first reading.
Lonely Werewolf Girl: A drug-addled runaway princess, her businesswoman sister, their rock-musician twin cousins, a level-headed white-haired girl, a fashion obsessed queen, a Perky Goth and an heavy-metal fan are pursued by mercenaries hired by the princess's older brother. Did I mention that all but the last three are werewolves?
An army veteran gradually remembers what he came here for, while elsewhere a group of people entertain themselves and a scientist's work is interrupted.
Lord Jim: A captain mentally berates himself for 200+ pages because he thinks he got his crew killed. He later finds out that the entire crew is STILL ALIVE but still feels crummy for having done something that MIGHT have resulted in their deaths and lets himself be killed by an enemy.
Lord Loss: Boy's family is killed by one baby and one reptile. The Big Bad can only be defeated by chess.
Lord of the Flies: Children learn about boar hunting and killing each other brutally.
The Midnight Mayor: The homeless guy answers the phone and returns a girl's hat.
The Neon Court: The homeless guy talks to fairies and gets freaked out by the fact that it's nighttime.
The Minority Council: The homeless guy gets introduced to drugs.
Magic Kingdom for Sale - SOLD!: Chicago man buys a kingdom, proves to the local landowners that he's worthy of the purchase, with the help of a girl that needs lots of water, a bumbling wizard, and a pair of kleptomaniacs.
The Black Unicorn: Man walks right into his worst enemy's trap. The girl that needs lots of water saves the day.
Wizard At Large: A dog goes missing. The kleptomaniacs almost destroy the world by giving in to temptation.
Witches' Brew: The heir to the throne is kidnapped by the witch, whose dastardly revenge plan involves making her love her. Magical monsters attack the king and the girl who needs lots of water, sent by a king no one has ever heard of. Meanwhile, the dog and the inept wizard disappear and no one cares.
A Princess of Landover: A Bratty Half-Pint learns a valuable lesson about family and obedience by running away from home. In the process she tries in vain to get rid of the kleptomaniacs who follow her everywhere, evades an ugly abusive suitor, and saves a library from being raped by demons.
The Magic Thief: A boy robs a wizard, and in return is taken on as the wizard's apprentice. Boy then saves the city's magic(al being) by breaking and entering his Uncle's house, and destroying said uncle's property.
The Magic Thief: Lost: Boy blows up his master's house, and is exiled from the city. He then goes and destroys a stone belonging to the leader of a city. The leader then (inadvertently) commits suicide.
The Magic Thief: Found: Boy goes on a long journey to find a stone, and finds out that cities magic(al beings) are made from dragons. Upon his return home, he forces two of the magical beings to become friends.
Magyk: Two wizards, princess, and army deserter are continually pursued by bounty hunter and tophat-wearing necromancer.
Main Street: A woman moves to a small town with her husband and realizes how much she hates small towns.
The Man without Qualities: Mathematician takes a holiday from his life, gets entangled into the preparation of a birthday party, fends off the advances of his best friend's crazy wife and starts an affair with his twin-sister. Meanwhile a mentally challenged sexual offender is prosecuted for the murder of a prostitute.
Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn: The almost-ghost of an elf prince carries out a 500-year-old grudge; unwitting kitchen boy and his friends try to stop him with magic swords. They shouldn't have used the magic swords.
The Metamorphosis: Central European man turns into a bug. His father later kills him with an apple.
Metro 2033: A young man travels around the Moscow Metro, and then accidentally destroys the future of humanity.
Middlesex: A man falls in love with a woman and recounts three generations of his family's history to explain why he is unable to have sex.
Midnighters: A group of teenagers, including a gothy geek, a teen genius, an emo chick, and a rebellious Mexican, saves the world using junk. They exist outside of our timeframe, too.
Midnighters: The Secret Hour: The newest prep in school turns out to be the most powerful person on the planet.
Midnighters: Touching Darkness: A gothy know-it-all has problems with his touch-phobic psychic emo girlfriend, then defeats a conspiracy and becomes a creature of the night.
Midnighters: Blue Noon: The group of teenagers rushes frantically to stop one hour from being added to the day, using fireworks. One of them sticks her hand in a bolt of lightning and becomes a ghost.
Miss Marple: Old busybody pokes her nose into other people's business.
The Final Empire: A thief eats metal and joins a group of people trying to kill an immortal with cooler powers than them.
The Well of Ascension: A city is besieged for inventing democracy. The desperate defenders release a god in their bid of survival. The book's paper edition is unreliable.
The Hero of Ages: A side character overthrows communism by becoming something impossible. Then everyone hides from the god in book two in a penal mine.
Mister B. Gone: Two gay lovers, one an aristocrat and one a commoner, wander around Medieval Europe, until the printing press is discovered, and one betrays the other.
Moby-Dick: Petty jealousy inspires tireless pursuit of whale.
Or: a former school teacher tries to deal with midlife crisis. In order to do so, he applies to work for an Ax-Crazy boss . He finds consolation in the welcoming embrace of a lovable Polynesian native. Meanwhile, said boss leads all of his subordinates to a gruesome and inevitable death, all while talking at length in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe, engaging in Satanic rituals and spending his free time with a little boy.
Momo: A worldwide organisation of Eldritch Abominations with the potential ability to end civilisation in a matter of days are defeated in less than an hour by a homeless little girl and a supercentenarian who likes to talk to a tortoise.
Montague Egg: A travelling wine salesman fights crime. He always has a couplet to cover the situation.
Mortal Engines: Undead cyborgs, cities that eat each other and Lost Boys with submarines. None of this is played for laughs.
Mrs Dalloway: An ill, post-menopausal woman buys flowers, receives a visitor, worries that her daughter may be bisexual like she is and hosts a dinner party. Meanwhile a shell-shocked war veteran commits suicide.
Myst: The Book of Ti'ana: An orphan stumbles across an underground civilization and accidentally allows its demise. The location has since been moved half a world away.
Myst: The Book of Atrus: A teen learns a difficult programming language from his father and then maroons him.
Myst: The Book of D'ni: Years later, he leads people to a Crapsaccharine World, not realizing some pathogens have come along for for the ride. Then he tries to alter the course of a revolution.
The Mysterious Stranger: Some bored buddies run into Satan's nephew who convinces them their lives are worthless.
Infernal Devices/A Darkling Plain: Environmentalists decide they're sick of large vehicles ruining the countryside.
The Name of the Rose: Two monks try to broker a deal in the Roman Catholic Civil Wars of the fourteenth century. Instead, they get a bunch of people killed and someone kills himself by eating a book. Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies.
Or: Two monks try to solve murders at a medieval monastery. After demonic possession is ruled out, a man eats a poisonous book, and ultimately it is discovered that the novel is postmodern critique of meaning.
Nancy Drew: Teenage girl pokes her nose into other people's business.
Nation: Two teenagers get stuck on a desert island alone together and don't have sex.
Never Let Me Go: Reminiscence by young woman gradually reveals horrifying premise.
Or, a bunch of people grow up being told exactly how they're going to die, and do nothing about it.
Neverwhere: A Scotsman helps a young woman he meets on the street, and ceases to exist. He spends the rest of the book following the girl he helped around London.
The New York Trilogy: A series of detectives do a great deal of navel-gazing, and fail to solve their cases.
Next: A pedophile blames his behavior on his genes, a Half-Human Hybrid is hunted down for his genes, and old man is being sued for possession of his genes, and an irresponsible man dies because he has genes that aren't his.
Nobody Gets The Girl: A man learns how to deal with being forgotten.
Odd John: A seemingly retarded boy commits several burglaries and one murder, before having sex with his mother, then finally taking a group of children to a small island where they all commit suicide. The story is narrated by a middle-aged journalist who believes the boy is super-human.
Odd Thomas: A fry cook sees dead people, hangs out with Elvis, and makes really good pancakes.
The Odyssey: Man arrives home very late after commute from hell and murders unwanted houseguests. And half the staff.
Only Revolutions: Two sixteen-year-olds spend 200 years traveling across the country.
On the Road: Some Hipster (older meaning of the word) goes on a road trip to his friends place in California.
That Hideous Strength: An organization of evil scientists threaten to subjugate humanity. The whole town goes down with it.
Paladin of Souls: Middle aged woman takes a vacation to escape depressing home life. Finds herself kissing a corpse or two and getting sexually assaulted by a half-demonic bastard.
Or; A Mad Queen gets stuck in a siege and learns how to pray. No, really, there is a plot.
Palimpsest: There are cool map tattoos. They're STDs.
The Pegasus series: In The Future, Psychic Powers are real, and vital to the economy, as they enable faster than light travel.
Percy Jackson and the Olympians Young man goes to a summer camp for other unusual teenagers like him while making friends, falling in love with his cousin and resolving issues with his new-found family using a magic pen.
Promise of the Wolves: A young she-wolf devotes her life to winning over and becoming part of the pack that killed her brother and exiled her mom. She is later very surprised when said pack tries to kill her friends for no real reason, and must save aforementioned friends with the help of a shy intellectual, a raven who speaks mostly in haiku, and an old lady who's friends with at least one giant omnipotent god wolf. The book ends with her reuniting with her pack, and still trying to become one of them. This is considered a good ending.
The Phantom of the Opera: Serial killer can't be bothered to actually kill anyone with his favorite deathtrap, dies from a kiss to the forehead.
The Phantom Tollbooth: A bored boy drives a toy car through an education-themed world, which nonetheless has no rhyme or reason. Because he has nothing better to do, he goes to rescue two princesses who were locked up by their stepbrothers. Accompanying him are a blowhard insect and a dog that can tell time.
The Portrait of a Lady: Idealistic bookworm goes abroad, inherits a ton of money, gets proposed to by her childhood sweetheart and a nobleman, and then marries a petty sadist with an art collection and a dysfunctional relationship with his daughter. Everyone else discusses this at length.
The Power and the Glory: A drunken priest angsts and meets his illegitimate daughter while running from the cops. Eventually they catch him in what he knew was a trap.
Pride and Prejudice: Opinionated young woman meets snob and doesn't like him, until it turns out that she does.
The Thief: A young prince gets arrested in order to find a rock.
The Queen of Attolia: Bad things happen to the hero, ending with his marriage.
The King of Attolia: A soldier gets a promotion for inflicting violence on his boss.
A Conspiracy of Kings: A quiet bookworm hits his best friend and shoots people.
The Quorum Four boys meet in school and form a lasting friendship, until a satanic media mogul offers three of them success and good fortune if they keep messing up their other friend's life. They should have read Faust more closely.
Quozl: A colony of rabbit-like alien settlers on Earth are forced to go public using a Hollywood talent agent's plan and it works.
Rainbow Six: Environmentalists use terrorists in a plan to kill the human race, international counter terror team is conveniently formed just as they start. Environmentallists die ironically.
Ramayana: A boy's mother kicks him out of the house. He proceeds to commit genocide on an entire race while hanging out with some monkeys.
Rant:Kid with an incredible sense of smell moves to the city, crashes his car and spreads rabies for fun, starts a civil war and goes back in time to kill his ancestors and become his own father, grandfather, etc.
Raptor Red: A wildlife documentary about ancient birdlike creatures in which you can hear some of the animals' thoughts.
The Rats in the Walls: Man grieving the loss of his son attempts to reconnect with his heritage, and finds a family recipe that he really likes.
The Raw Shark Texts: A man is chased by a meme. A girl has a guy living inside her brain and he wants out. Only half of the book has been published, with the other half being hidden across both the Internet and the rest of the world.
Red Storm Rising: Islamic terrorists blow up a Soviet oil refinery, triggering World War III.
Redwall: A young boy looks for an old knife so he can save a monastery from a rat infestation.
The Pearls of Lutra: A sailor is talked into jumping out a window and drowning. A repo man loses his job. Wanderers, a grieving daughter and inhabitants of a monastery use forensic science, spelling puzzles, archaeology, crafts, long distance travel, archery, and extreme violence against a group of weak-minded, economically unsustainable boaters, to dispose of calcium carbonate. A hypnotist trips on his pet, who bites him. A bunch of people are stranded on an island.
Outcast: A monastery adopts an orphan and subjects it to self-fulfillingFantastic Racism. The orphan is asked to leave. Two guys on the run create a live-in repair shop in the mountains, and defend the repair shop and the monastery.
Mossflower: A government official breaks an illegal immigrant's knife. The illegal immigrant, a pantry raider, and two others use long distance travel to take the knife to a repair shop. When they come back with the repaired knife, they raise an army around a broom. A basement leak destroys an empire.
Mariel Of Redwall: A rower takes revenge on a pirate that can't stand the company of a bell. The pirate is killed by his own pet.
Alternately, for the whole series: A large group of humanoid animals build/live in a secular monastery, and are attacked a lot.
The Second Jungle Book story "The King's Ankus" A Raised by Wolves kind of guy finds a priceless jewel-studded knicknack, but throws it away because he doesn't know the value of money. Later on he finds a bunch of people who've killed each other over possession of the knicknack, and decides it might be a good idea to hide it where nobody will find it again.
The Second Jungle Book story "Red Dog": A teenage boy defends a wolf pack from a horde of rampaging dogs by taking a python's advice to lure the dogs into a gorge where they will be stung to death by bees.
The Secret Garden: Following the death of her entire family, a young girl moves off the continent and learns how to not be a spoiled brat by growing plants.
A Series of Unfortunate Events: Three young orphans, including a baby, go through a series of abusive and/or ineffectual guardians, while being stalked by their arsonist cousin, their mother's first boyfriend, and a secret fire department.
Alternately: 3 orphans end up in the middle of a vast conspiracy involving espionage, death, and a sugar bowl.
SERRAted Edge: Modern-day wizard and his dragon mentor help The Fair Folk make it big in NASCAR. The latest book has him diving head-first into the Furry Fandom.
The Seven Pillars Of Wisdom: The true story of an British archaeologist who singlehandedly overthrew an empire. Was later made into an award-winning if slightly less historically accurate film.
Or: The most homoerotic philosophical account you ever will read about blowing up trains in the desert.
Or, an Englishman in Japan cheats on his wife with two women from good families, both of whom end up committing suicide.
The Sight: A white wolf and her brother are born with a rare gift. As a result, most of their pack, their aunt, and the white wolf herself, all die.
Fell: The white wolf's brother reunites a woman with her long lost family, and rips out the throat of the woman's father's traitorous best friend. Many of the characters from the previous tale are dead, and many more characters are killed along the way.
Silverwing: A guy looks at the sun and gets his house burned down. He then spends the remainder of the book finding his family with a blonde girl and two Spanish cannibals.
Skellig A boy meets a bird-obsessed girl and finds a half dead angel in his garage, who he heals by feeding him Chinese takeaway.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Playing With Fire: A man nicks some armour so that he can make a patched-together zombie call some Eldritch Abominations.
Skulduggery Pleasant: The Faceless Ones: A farmer invites the Eldritch Abominations into our world. When they're sent home, they take the living skeleton with them.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Dark Days: The girl rescues the skeleton from the home of the Eldritch Abominations. Elsewhere, previous villains (and an idiot) team up in order to set off an atomic bomb at a football match.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Mortal Coil: Body-snatching shadows attempt to bring out their messiah - the girl's Superpowered Evil Side.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Death Bringer: Necromancers want to try out their idea to defeat death - by getting a girl to slaughter three billion people at the same time.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Kingdom Of The Wicked: A man wants to spread peace and love by attempting to give everyone magic powers. Everyone else (including the man's alternate-universe counterpart) points out how exceptionally stupid an idea this is.
Skulduggery Pleasant: Last Stand Of Dead Men: Believing it to be the right thing and a necessary evil, a man attempts to trick a particular group of superpowered people into attacking humanity. It backfires spectacularly.
Slaughterhouse Five: Young man fights in the Second World War, goes home, gets married, is abducted by aliens, goes home, dies. Not necessarily in that order.
Timequake: Feeling due for a change, the universe goes backwards for a little bit and everyone on Earth has to relive the last ten years of their life without free will.
Snow Crash: Ex-delivery boy pursues knife-wielding Eskimo both online and off. Has much stuff explained to him, then fights Sumerian neurolinguistic death meme.
Or, a plot to Mind Control every geek in America is foiled when teenage skater chick with a thing for Mafiosi decides to deliver a pizza.
So Yesterday: Two teenagers investigate a really nice pair of shoes.
The Socratic Dialogues: A guy who claims to know nothing argues semantics with people who claim to know something. Later, he gets character derailed into being the sort of person he used to have arguments with.
Euthyphro: A guy tries to tell another guy about a lawsuit that he's involved in. The other guy proceeds to turn the conversation into one big semantics derail. Considered a classic of ancient philosophy.
Charmides: Soldier returning from war gets the hots for a teenage boy who suffers from headaches; tries to give the boy a headache cure he learned while overseas. Even more semantics derails ensue.
Phaedrus: Well thought-out arguments on why old men having meaningless sex with little boys is mutually beneficial.
Or: The author's thoughts on yaoi.
The Republic: A group of self-proclaimed geniuses proposed the perfect government while denouncing all other governments as little better than dictatorships, not noticing that they themselves are basically proposing a benevolent dictatorship. If you can finish it and understand what the hell they just said you deserve a degree in philosophy.
Song of Bernadette: Two barefoot teens meet in a filthy dump, dream of a future together and discuss bizarre plans involving a lot of people singing and taking baths.
A Game Of Thrones: An austere northern aristocrat tries desperately to prevent his best friend's wife's family from screwing everyone over. He fails miserably. Meanwhile, a teenage girl has sex with a Genghis Khan expy, and decides to conquer the world. Her brother pouts about it, then has a bowl full of karma poured all over his head.
A Clash Of Kings: Aforementioned aristocrat's second son (or possibly his nephew) starts a war against frozen zombies, his eldest son starts a rebellion against a an insane child-monarch, his youngest son becomes a werewolf, his youngest daughter pretends to be a boy, and his eldest daughter stands around and stares at the wall while the plot unfolds around her. Also, a Machiavellian midget is cheated out of fame and fortune by a dead man.
A Storm Of Swords: War against frozen zombies continues, the revolution fails due to unforeseen nuptial issues, the eldest son's girlfriend complains about his lack of knowledge, the eldest daughter marries the midget, and a child-bride-turned global-conqueror wtfpwns her universe's equivalent of ancient Sparta. Remember how we said that anyone could die? We weren't kidding.
A Dance With Dragons: Everyone and their dog sits around and waits for about five years, then sets out to find the child-bride-turned global-conqueror and convince her to come and conquer them. It turns out she's more concerned with settling down and finding a husband. Meanwhile, the eldest son (or possibly nephew)'s alliance against the frozen zombies implodes because he decided to be practical for once.
The Hedge Knight: An amateur knight and a bald child enter a tournament.
The Sworn Sword: The amateur knight debates zoning boundaries.
Sophie's World: A girl learns philosophy from a book about a girl learning philosophy to escape a book about philosophy being read by the original girl, who as the reader knows, is also a character in a book about philosophy.
The Sound and the Fury: Three Southern brothers, of various intellectual competence levels, angst about their sister.
Star Wars: The New Jedi Order: One hundred or so warrior monks seek to stop an invasion of tattooed barbarians from another galaxy.
The Thrawn Trilogy: A fledgling government is threatened by an art critic and a mad esper. A former operative cannot kill the man she's obsessed with killing.
The Hand of Thrawn Duology: The art critic's student make overtures at the no-longer-fledgling government; his people freak out and conspire to make it look the art critic is Back from the Dead. The no-longer-fledgling government all but implodes over a twenty-years-old issue. The ex-operative and the man she didn't kill wander around in caves and fall in love.
Outbound Flight: The art critic, as a much younger man, learns new languages and about new people and what droids are, then squabbles with the original mad esper, which makes his people kick him out.
I, Jedi: A fighter ace spends longer facing the Trials than in training.
Death Star: Mooks gradually come to realize that they are on the wrong side. A doctor thinks longingly of a woman who died twenty years ago and still doesn't know if he was in love or not. One of the greatest mass murderers in history angsts.
Yoda: Dark Rendezvous: The oldest and wisest of the warrior monks confronts a rebellious pupil. One of the youngest warrior monks, knowing that she's not very magical, strives to make up for it. An actor who sometimes plays the oldest warrior monk gets mistaken for the real thing.
the Medstar Duology: A warrior monk joins several doctors, a reporter, and a spy in a hellhole. The doctors fall in love and angst, the reporter quizzes a robot about the meaning of sentience, the spy gets homesick, and the warrior monk struggles with a drug addiction and promotes herself. Then the reason why everyone's on the hellhole becomes pointless.
the Coruscant Nights Trilogy: A couple of warrior monks who survived a genocide try to get by right under the nose of the evil psychic cyborg who was partially responsible for the genocide, and who knew one of the warrior monks before becoming evil.
Starfighters of Adumar: A pilot whose personal life has just collapsed in ruins is sent as the diplomatic envoy to a planet inhabited by people who basically worship him, where he refuses to kill them until changing his mind.
Tales from the Mos Eisley Cantina: A bunch of people go into a bar. One of them dies there, and three more die soon after. The most heroic of the four deaths is omitted.
"We Don't Do Weddings: The Band's Tale"'': A band gets a gig in said bar.
"A Hunter's Fate: Greedo's Tale": A lowlife gets betrayed by his best friend.
"Hammertong: The Tale of the 'Tonnika Sisters'": Two members of an Amazon Brigade steal part of a WMD
"Play It Again, Figrin D'An: The Tale of Muftak and Kabe": Two street urchins steal some data
"Be Still My Heart: The Bartender's Tale": A Jerkass learns sympathy.
"Nightlily: The Lovers' Tale": A Corrupt Bureaucrat seduces a space babe of a completely unfamiliar species. His lethal Critical Research Failure is the reason the aforementioned tattooed barbarians did not triumph.
"Empire Blues: The Devaronian's Tale": A mass murderer relaxes and chats with the Jerkass.
"Swap Meet: The Jawa's Tale": A businessman with a dead brother attempts revenge. It is revealed in a different story to have failed tragically.
"Trade Wins: The Ranat's Tale": And another businessman's trick is the reason.
Luke Skywalker and the Shadows of Mindor: The galaxy is threatened by an old man who has weaponized fanfiction, and wants the bodies of two of the stars in his fics. One of said stars angsts tremendously.
Splinter of the Mind's Eye: A brother and sister stumble around on and under a muddy world in the middle of nowhere, sometimes with an old con artist and a pair of temperamental giant monkeys. The siblings have staggering amounts of UST and almost kill their father.
New Hope: the Life of Luke Skywalker: A farmboy mulls over his past, particularly his many almost-relationships with unsuitable women (his sister, a careless thief, a robot, a psychic vampire...) and decides to forgive people who are years dead for lying to him.
City Of Masks: Boy with cancer dies, but not from cancer.
City Of Stars: Bifauxnen participates in a horse race, gets kissed by the queen, who knows she's a girl. Meanwhile, a boy kills himself to live in the future.
City Of Flowers: Dark-Skinned Blond becomes a priest in the most corrupt city of Rennaissance Italy.
A Study in Emerald: A Great Detective investigates the death of one of the Great Old Ones. Turns out that Holmes and Watson are the real killers, and the person we were led to believe was Holmes is actually Dr. Moriarty.
Subcommittee, short story by Zenna Henderson: Fuzzy rainbow aliens run out of salt and invade Earth. Two cute little army brats and their moms save the day.
Summer in Paris, Light from the Sky, short story by Ken Scholes: Adolf Hitler teams up with Charlie Chaplin and Ernest Hemmingway, begins the French Revolution, and prevents the Holocaust.
Summerland: The son of a Bungling Inventor (who is terrible at baseball) teams up with his Tomboy best friend, a boy who thinks he's an android, a werefox, a sasquatch, a talking rat, a midget giant, and a few baseball-obsessed fairies to save the world...by playing baseball. He does all of this on the advice of a fortune-telling clam named "Johnny".
Sweet Valley High: A pair of perfect size six California girls attend high school. In the early few books, one of the girls claims a boy from school tried to rape her because she was annoyed that he wouldn't kiss her goodnight; the other is in a motorcycle accident that makes her suddenly become more flirtatious, ending in the richest boy in school attempting to rape her when the effect wears off. A Long Runner series spawning several Spin-Off series and well over 500 total books.
Tai-Pan: A Scotsman colonizes an island, promotes gambling, acquires a harem, and is killed in a typhoon.
The Tales of Alvin Maker: A Mormon-themed epic fantasy series set in an über-folksy AU version of the American frontier, with tons of cameos from obscure historical figures.
Tales of MU: Slice-of-life story featuring a pacifist cannibal, a girl who wants to not want, a dwarf with a sylph's beard, an erranttrap, a comic book geek's wet dream, and the token human/male.
Alternately: Bisexual S&M Demoness goes to college, makes friends and gets into relationships. Stuff happens.
The Battle Of The Sun: A boy goes on a Chain of Deals in order to get a spaniel, while a man tries to turn the city of London into gold. After a while, the eleven year-old protagonist, and two villains from the previous book show up. More Mind Screw ensues.
Tarzan: Half-naked orphan with nobility backstory deals with animals and lost civilizations.
Three Worlds Collide: Mankind makes contact with two separate alien species. One of the species wants to have sex with us, and the other wants us to eat babies. Ultimately, everyone lives Happily Ever After; this is considered a bad ending.
Time Enough For Love: A suicidally depressed immortal rants about random topics for the first two-thirds of the book. His friends decide to cheer him up by sending him back in time to have sex with his mother.
The Time Machine: Man tells weird story about workers quarreling with bourgeoisie, ends it with an octopus.
Time's Eye: Rudyard Kipling and a helicopter crew help Alexander the Great battle Genghis Khan.
The Fellowship of the Ring: A Ragtag Bunch of Misfits is pulled together to dispose of jewelry stolen by the old midget from the prequel.
The Two Towers: A nation is nearly offed for supposedly owning a piece of jewelry, while two midgets and a psycho get away with the real thing.
The Return of the King: The Dragon learns about prophecy loopholes the hard way, then the king leads a hopeless charge, while valuable jewelry gets destroyed. The Magic Goes Away, along with more jewelry.
The Silmarillion: For centuries, elven clans squabble over three family jewels they don't even own anymore.
Uncle Tom's Cabin: A guy's life goes from bad to worse. A Bible-thumping Author Tract that stops the story every few chapters while the author sounds off. Said to have started a bloody civil war.
Use of Weapons: An advanced alien civilization makes inaccurate predictions about the military prowess of an identity thief who turned his cousin into a chair.
Vatsy And Bruno: First Ink: Two filthy animals run around the city chasing a man with hideous facial hair in pursuit of a journal article.
Valdemar Series: Chronicles about 3000 years of history, in which most of the heroes begin their journey by getting kidnapped by a white horse.
Arrows of the Queen: Mentally and physically abused shut-in gets kidnapped by a white horse, and almost immediately becomes the second-highest ranking person in the kingdom.
The Last Herald-Mage: Spoiled brat gets sent to boarding school, angsts a lot, comes out of the closet, angsts some more, eventually becomes the most powerful person ever to have existed, and angsts over that. Diesat the end of it.
Or; gay magician is traumatized most of his adult life and gets himself blown up at thirty-five.
Mage Winds: A princess wants to Screw Destiny, but her horse won't let her.
Mage Storms: A sheltered priest learns from a talking cat that God might not be a Jerkass after all. Also, a time-traveling magical cataclysm threatens to rip apart and rearrange the world, and the results are not pretty.
Take A Thief: A street kid intends to steal a horse, but the horse steals him instead.
By The Sword: Tough little girl does what she feels is right with the help of a picky sword and is chased about by a song for the rest of her days. After leading a ragtag company of soldiers-for-hire, she does the right thing again - and then she gets kidnapped by a white horse. Meanwhile, it takes her and her true love ten years to get their act together.
VALIS: An obese man who loves horses is contacted by a Soviet alien who is actually God who is actually a mentally challenged being who is actually God.
The Divine Invasion: A lonely man brings half of God back to Earth and falls in love with a singer.
The Transmigration of Timothy Archer: A depressed girl spends her time at a self-help seminar ruminating over the loss of everyone she ever cared about. She cons the self-help guru out of a record and everything is alright.
Varieties of Disturbances: A woman attempts to symbolize death through flies. Multiple times.
Villains by Necessity: A wizard who's just trying to make the world a better place meets resistance from a band of adventurers (including his son, and a former ally in his pursuits) who just don't get it.
Vorkosigan Saga: A woman runs away from home to find true love, ends up joining the aristocracy, and gives birth to a deformed midget genius. The midget genius travels around the galaxy and develops an identity crisis, which causes him to believe that he is the commander of a mercenary army. Dupes several thousand mercenaries into supporting this belief.
A cripple from a planet that kills crippled people proves his worth by killing healthy people.
Falling Free: Biological experiments learn of their obsolescence and run amok.
The Warrior's Apprentice: A deformed military academy washout bullshits his way into command of a warfleet... by accident.
The Vor Game: Newly minted Ensign gets assigned to an undesirable post to learn subordination. He ends up involved in a mutiny, (re)gains control of an interstellar warfleet, throws multiple superior officers into the brig, and threatens his Commander in Chief with a crew-served weapon.
Mirror Dance: A troubled twenty-something engages in a bit of identity theft, deals with the psychological repercussions of his abusive childhood, gets closer to various family members, and runs afoul of a vindictive ultra-capitalist mad scientist space pimp.
Memory: Medical problems and habits of scam artistry catch up to a secret agent before he hits 30. He ends up with another job.
A Civil Campaign: Semi-retired super spy attempts to apply his covert operations skills to courtship. The operative term is attempts.
Vurt: A man searches for a magic feather that contains a virtual world that contains another magic feather that contains another virtual world where he must relive his worst childhood memories in order to swap his pet tentacled alien monstrosity for his long lost sister.
War and Peace: Ruffians tie a constable to a bear and throw him off a bridge. The French invade.
Alternately: A bachelor with a large inheritance angsts about his life and marries his best friend's fiance.
Warm Bodies: A zombie who lives in an airport falls in love with a human after eating her boyfriend's brain.
Warrior Cats: Some groups of cats fight over territory, engage in inter-group romance, worship the night sky, and sunbathe. Every so often, one or more of said cats has a nightmare that predicts the future in a vague way.
Warriors Super Edition: Bluestar's Prophecy: Door Stopper about the life of one these cats.
Super Edition: Firestar's Quest: The Chosen One tries to rebuild a society that hasn't existed for twenty years. Has marriage problems along the way.
Warrior Cats: The New Prophecy: Urban development threatens the forest. The cats find a new home, and proceed to do more of the above for the rest of the series.
Power of Three: Three cats born with powers try to figure why they even have them in the first place, and don't make much progress. Briefly gets sidetracked by just how messed up their family is, and some guy trying to convert everyone to atheism.
Omen of the Stars: Hell declares war on heaven, and the above mentioned cats are still trying to figure out why any of this is happening. The beginning briefly features beavers.
Thunder Rising: A young boy is torn between his adoptive father, who took the boy in and raised him as his own, and his real father, who left the boy to die when he was a baby and never cared about him. Angst ensues.
Super Edition: Crookedstar's Promise: Cat has a disability and tries to live with it. A vengeful ghost pretends to be responsible for the deaths of random other cats.
Mistystar's Omen: A doctor is fired because she's an atheist. But it's okay, because God tells everyone to give the doctor her job back.
Wicked: A green-skinned woman goes through a journey of college woes, animal rights activism and Wangst just to be killed with water.
The Wild Road: Sir Isaac Newton is mean to kitties!
Wild Cards: Alien germs are dropped on Manhattan by a pulp villain, giving people superpowers when they aren't hideously mutated or killed outright. Alien scientist can't keep it in his pants, psychic fanboy flies around in an armor-plated Volkswagen, the Tyranids show up in the guise of an ancient Sumerian goddess, and in the latest installments, kids with superpowers start off on American Idol but end up stopping a genocide.
The Wind in the Willows: A peasant, a river man and a forest wise man try to cure their ADHD noble friend of his on-the-fly, erratic obsessions. Road rage, prison breaks, theft and property repossession abound.
The Winds of War/War and Remembrance : A group of family and friends travel the world to watch people killing each other.
Occasionally they lend a hand at killing people, because they are such a Badass Family.
Meanwhile a Jerkass German officer writes a long book on the reasons why only Germans should be allowed to kill people.
Winter's Tale: A swamp-dweller finds a horse. Beauty ensues.
The Winter's Tale: A man exits, pursued by a bear. Some other stuff happens, but nobody remembers any of it.
The Wish Giver: Two girls and a boy learn to Be Careful What You Wish For after the first girl learns to speak bullfrog, the second girl turns her crush into a tree, and the boy finds water.
Wizard's Bane: A guy defeats an evil overlord by inventing a new programming language.
Wolves of Willoughby Chase series plucky young British children— in particular a girl whose parents named her after a barge— foil multiple evil plots. Includes graphic descriptions of child labor in factories, children being deliberately killed in said factories, people being devoured by wolves and giant birds, people consuming parts of other people, a plot to shoot a giant cannon at St. James palace from Nantucket, a plot that successfully puts St. Paul's cathedral on giant rollers, hallucinogenic peas, and much more of a similar ilk.
Women: Misanthropic drunk becomes semi-famous, and has sex with a woman. Then he has sex with another woman. Then another woman has sex with him, and then another. Maybe a few more after that. Oh heck, it's almost 300 pages of sex. With added middle-aged angst!books.
So You Want To Be A Wizard: Nerdy girl saves the world with a stolen library book after Satan turns off the sun.
Alternatively: Nerdy girl tries to save the world with a stolen library book; can't read in the dark.
Deep Wizardry: Girl agrees to sing silent part in whale opera.
High Wizardry: Girl's younger sister finds magical computer and goes to Mars to find Darth Vader. Eventually plugs computer into planet in order to create robots to fight Satan.
Alternatively: Girl spends hours designing computer programs she later argues with.
Xanth: In Bizarro-Florida, everyone has magical powers. And there are puns. Awful, awful puns.
Xeelee Sequence: Humanity wage war against aliens. The aliens don't notice.
X-Isle: A boy and a disguised girl go to live on an all-male island. Once there, they and the other teenagers procced to systematically drive off/kill the adults, with their initial weapon of choice being a bomb made from their collective farts.
TheYearOfOurWar: A flying cat shoots drugs, hallucinates, and fights bugs.
Zod Wallop: A group of people take a novel way to seriously.