KRISTEN CONNOLLY: A handful of teenagers every year, compared to the alternative, is nothing. More people die from falling in the fucking bathroom. I'm shooting you, you selfish dick.
Their review of Pan tears the ever-loving shit out of the trend of taking classic children's stories and turning them into formulaic blockbusters:
(Levi wakes up being tended to by Hugh.)
Hugh Jackman: So the fact that you can fly means you must be the one destined to kill me. See thereís a prophecy-
Levi Miller: Oh God no.
Hugh Jackman: -that states that one day a flying boy would appear, and that boy would be The Chosen One who-
Levi Miller:SHUUUT UUUUUP! For FUCKíS SAKE Hollywood, first Alice in Wonderland, then Snow White, then The Wizard of Oz, now Peter Pan, are you seriously not gonna stop until everything is prophecies and chosen ones?! Even after The LEGO Moviedeconstructed that trope to hell and back?! There are other stories out there you know I mean COME ON ITíS SO FUCKING PLAYED OUT ARGH GRAAAAHRHAAAAHH (starts smashing the set) (sedated) (wakes up an hour later) Okay, Iím better now. Letís just get on with this fucking thing.
Hugh Jackman: So yeah youíre supposed to murder me and end my reign of terror.
Levi Miller: In which case, why the hell am I still alive? I mean you were literally in the process of murdering me when you found out that Iím this super-dangerous prophecy kid. What possible reason is there for you to not shove a cutlass through my brain this very-
Hugh Jackman: TO THE DUNGEON WITH YOU!
Perhaps the most succinct demolition of the mentality that went into making Birdman ever written:
Amy Ryan: What, this self-indulgent circus trick of a movie, THIS is your big chance? Where you've spent half of it arguing that it's all meaningless?
Michael Keaton: Damn right! See, we can argue over whether this means anything for hours. Go back and forth saying, acting is noble, acting is vain, acting is truth, acting is pointless. But the thing is, ITíS STILL ALL ABOUT ACTING. We get credibility points for taking shots at ourselves while keeping the spotlight firmly planted on us! Maybe thereís meaning to be found in other walks of life, in unglamorous jobs, in simply being a good friend and a decent person, or God forbid, focusing on OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE, but fuck that shit, we gotta keep jerking it over MY ACTING and MY ART and searching for meaning THERE and THERE ALONE because if that spotlight ever goes off, who knows, we might see the whole world.
Ian McDiarmid: I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And right now I'm a race car and you got me in the red. I'm just saying that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a racecar in the fuckin' red. It could blow.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?
Ian McDiarmid: I could blow.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch my lightsaber I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of Navarone.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: Okay, you know what? No, they don't. Transformers was a poorly animated toy commercial dressed up like entertainment. The only reason you ever liked it was because when it was on TV you were a teenage boy, which is exactly who this piece of shit movie is made for. The same version of you that loved Transformers in 1985 would love this movie.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: Look, Bay didn't trick you here. This is the THIRD movie. If you seriously thought, after seeing the first two movies, that this was going to be anything other than an unwatchable, idiotic piece of festering horseshit, then you're even dumber than Bay is, and that guy thinks TV Tropes.org is a filmmaking how-to manual.
GAL goes into a BLIND RAGE and she just. Goddamn. I mean she like. She fucking MASSACRES DAVID. Just OBLITERATES the SHIT out of HIM. Like sheís playing with ALL THE CHEAT CODES on. Dental records won't even identify him.