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Awesome: George Carlin
More than most comedians can dream about.

  • "Coast to Coast Emergency" from Life is Worth Losing. Hell, the whole special is a masterpiece of Black Comedy.
  • Coming up with - and intelligently defending - the Seven Words You Can't Say On TV list. Our world is fucking better for it.
    • In fact, the routine was so controversial, it ended up establishing indecency regulation in American radio and television - more accurately, the "watershed," the period between late evening and early morning when indecent (not obscene) material could be broadcast. Years later, in his book, George expressed some amusement - and satisfaction - in being a footnote in American history.
  • For playing Mr. Conductor (replacing Ringo Starr who originally played him) and narrating some Thomas stories and making it work. Most viewers who remember seeing the show (whether in first-run or in reruns) would rather have George back as the Narrator because his voice fits so well.
  • Neatly deconstructing The Ten Commandments on Complaints & Grievances. By the end, he's minimized it down to two. Choice quote:
    "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Goods. This one is just plain fuckin' stupid. Coveting your neighbors' goods is what keeps the economy going!"
    • From the same bit: his insistence that they add a third commandment.
    "Thous Shalt Keep Thy Religion to Thyself!"
  • One particularly awesome quote from It's Bad For Ya:
    "Here's another platitude they jam down your throat: 'Children are our future.' Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual flawless logic. Children can't be our future because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!!!"
  • From You Are All Diseased:
    "And speaking of tough guys, I'm getting a little tired of hearing that after six policemen got arrested for shoving a floor lamp up some black guy's ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they're gonna have "sensitivity training". I say, hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large cumbersome object up someone's asshole, maybe you're too fucked up to be on the police force in the first place. You know what they ought to do? They ought to have two new requirements for being on the police: Intelligence and decency. You never can tell; it might just work; it certainly hasn't been tried yet."
  • From Back In Town, his entire rant on the pro-life movement, which, eerily enough, is still somewhat relevant almost two decades later.
    "They're not pro-life. Know what they are? They're anti-woman, simple as it gets. Anti-woman. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state!"
  • His utter destruction of self-important "Save the Planet" campaigns:
    "Weíre so self-important. So self-important. Everybodyís going to save something now. 'Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.' And the greatest arrogance of all: Save the planet.' What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet? We donít even know how to take care of ourselves yet! We haven't learned to care for one another and we're going to save the fucking planet''? I'm getting tired of this shit! I'm tired of that shit. I'm tired of fucking Earth Day. Iím tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren't enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for Volvos. Besides, environmentalists donít give a shit about the planet. Not in the abstract they donít. You know what theyíre interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. Theyíre worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesnít impress me."
    "Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Difference! Difference! The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great! Its been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmatic? The planet's been here four and a half billion years. We've been here what... a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? Two hundred thousand years up against four and a half billion. And we have the conceit to think that somehow we're a threat? That somehow we're going to put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that's just a-floatin' around the Sun? The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles... hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages... and we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isnít going anywhere. We are! Weíre going away.
    "Pack your shit, folks. Weíre going away. And we wonít leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam... The planetíll be here and weíll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planetíll shake us off like a bad case of fleas. A surface nuisance."
    "You want to know how the planet's doing? Ask those people at Pompeii who got frozen into position by volcanic ash how the planet's doing. Want to know if the planet's all right, ask those people in Mexico City buried under hundreds of tons of earthquake rubble if they feel like a threat to the planet this week. The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after weíre gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ícause thatís what it does. Itís a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if itís true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesnít share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didnít know how to make it. Needed us."
    "Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, "Why are we here?'"
    "PlasticÖ asshole."
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