Every closing statement Alan Shore makes is Made of Win, but his devastating Take That against Scientology is a whole new level of Awesome. Suffice it to say it consists of him simply stating the beliefs of Scientologists, and standing back to let it metaphorically hang itself. And then he farts. Far, far better than it sounds.
His suit against a group that claims it can 'cure' homosexuality is even better—he actually starts it by attempting to get on a soapbox then 'diagnoses' the jury with various innocuous diseases. All this is just a run up to a huge rant about 'selling sickness'.
The first time Alan crossed verbal swords with the sleazy, overtanned, Texas credit-card lawyer.
Alan Shore: That's okay. I think I've got it. You find people in dire straits and market directly to them with the hope of forming a lifelong relationship. I had a former client who kind of operated his business the same way.
Attorney Melvin Palmer: Really? What line of work was he in?
Alan Shore: He sold heroin.
In that same scene Palmer claims that the special clauses are written on the back of the contract. Jerry suddenly loses control over himself and starts yelling that he has two degrees from Harvard and even he can't fully understand how their company works.
Finally - in that particular case, Alan's client was his secretary. She later admits that his slamming rebuttal to Palmer made her aroused. And it can make the viewer, too, since Spader channels all the disgust and smugness he could muster during his speech.
When Denny was forced to represent a man who had raped and murdered a young girl.
Denny Crane: Look, I can't bring myself to defend a man who killed a 13-year-old girl.
Ronald Jessel: Oh, come on, man. Probably did her a favor. I got AIDS, Denny Crane. She could have had a lot of suffering ahead because I really went to town. You know what I mean? She's probably lucky I ended it quick.
Denny Crane: Well, if you really have AIDS, there could be other psychological defenses available to us.
Ronald Jessel: Yeah.
Denny Crane: Like, ah, traumatic distress, insanity, perhaps. On the other hand... [pulls out a gun from his briefcase]
Ronald Jessel: What are yo—?
[Denny shoots Jessel in the kneecaps; the prison guards hear the sound and come rushing in]
Denny Crane: It was an accident. He came at me. I feared for my life. He should probably get new counsel. [looks at the guy clutching his bloody knees, and smiles] Denny Crane.
And just before that:
[handing Jessel his business card and giving him the most Shatnery look of disgust possible]
Denny: Hope you die. Denny Crane.
Not a closing statement per se, but Alan's speech against the Chinese investors that took over the law firm and fired all the main characters was so awesome that every other member of the Bunny-Ears Lawyer club was very proud of him and it got their jobs back.
When Jerry is called a "Demento" by an annoying guy in a coffee shop. Naturally, his Berserk Button is hit, and he chucks a blueberry muffin at the guy's head. When the guy goes to throw a punch, Jerry knocks him out and breaks his nose in one shot. He then continues to do a victory dance and executes a Theme Tune Cameo.
The gang are positive that Shirley has been kidnapped, by a former client, though they have no solid proof to give to the police. Alan Shore, who for reasons unknown is not aware of any of this, walks in and, upon being told what's going on, announces that he is going to call the cops within the minute saying that the client in question called him confessing to the kidapping, thus giving them probable cause. All in the most high-flown voice imaginable and without batting an eye. Totally fucking awesome.
And let's not forget when Shirley headbutted said kidnapper. Headbutted him! "FUCK YEAH" doesn't even begin to cover it.
The episode where Alan has to defend the right for the daughters of a truly revolting white supremacist family (think the Osmond family meets the Westboro Baptist Church by way of Stepford) to sing racist songs. He wins, but when the two daughters try to thank him by serenading him with "Michael Row The Boat Ashore", (an African American spiritual, of all songs!), he cuts them off with "You do know that Michael was a homosexual Jew from Mexico, right?" and sends them out of the room with barely a glance. Crowning Moment Of Awesome, Crowning Moment of Funny, and possibly the only awesome moment involving making little girls cry.
Denny and Alan are in Canada, helping Alan get over his breakup with Tara. They decide to go storm into a Canadian trial, in full regalia.
Judge: Mr Shore, we do not wear wigs in Canada. (beat). Nor do we wear waders.
And then later in the same scene:
Alan: Knowing as I do that we Americans are known for our shock-and-awe tactics, I will leave you with these two mesmering words.
When Jerry was going to be interviewed to become a managing partner, things looked really bad for him. He's really strange - picture Biscuit from Ally McBeal and you won't be very far away from the truth. Katie tried to put a good word for him, but she inadvertedly screwed things more. The voting partners were mostly old snobbish assholes, but when they were ready to shoo Jerry off, Denny Cranne comes into the room.
Denny Crane: Let me save you some time. See, this - this is me, Denny Crane. Founding partner of Crane, Poole & Schmidt. Look around the room and I don't see Poole, I don't see Schmidt, I see this: Crane. Bottom line - this man makes partner or I walk and take my name off the doorway. Comprende? Parlez-vous? Sprechen sie Deutsch? Denny Crane. Have a good day.
Also: "Knee! Right Foot! Left Foot! Thank God for guns, eh Jerry?"
Alan is punched in a bar. He nonchalantly walks to the other end of the bar and pays several men a hundred dollars each to beat the guy's face in. Other people excitedly ask if they can get in on it, and he continues to pay them for every punch.
Jerry Espenson manages to stage a single crowning moment of both awesome andfail by holding a knife to his employer's throat and then legally maneuvering a law firm into a position where they had to take him back instead of pressing charges.
Katie prays with the church. It's better then it sounds.
Alan Shore to an odious, faux-folksy Texas credit card company lawyer.
"You know, we have a little saying in Massachusetts: 'Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die.' Until then!"
Whenever Denny Crane shows what it's all about being Denny Crane in court:
When he turns a trial into a spectacle focused on him - his favorite one is to ask a series of rapid-fire, slightly biased questions. Whenever it happens, the camera work punctuates it by furiously cutting back and forth.
Once, he turns it into a literal spectacle - he causes a sir in the media about a case and hires a PR firm, which proceeds to contaminate the objectivity of the entire jury pool with aggressive marketing. The district attorney is forced to quietly drop the case and hype another one, since there's no way for them to win it.
Once, the firm has a case for which it is completely unprepared and they cannot ask to delay the trial without the client paying a huge fine, so they try to win it on their first try. Denny prepares a brilliant opening statement, but he forgets it when put on the spot. Immediately, he arranges to get himself in contempt of court - since he's the only lawyer assigned to his client, the judge is forced to call a mistrial and postpone the proceedings.
He's also great at manipulating both juries and judges - many times, he perfectly diagnoses what has to be said to sway someone, like when he suggests to Schmidt that she should punctuate her closing statement with various synonyms of "pansy", since the presiding Judge Brown has issues with his masculinity.
Just when someone might think that Alan dropped the darker parts of his Amoral Attorney act in season 2, he takes a case where can't proceed with action against a legal guardian exploiting an elderly woman without him draining her entire estate out of spite. Instead of being nice, he hires goons to steal documents proving that the guardian has been doing this for years, terrorize him and leave him tied up in the apartment, after which Alan comes in, takes a signature releasing his client from the guardian's custody and politely explains that he doesn't know when such an assault will happen again. He just knows it will.
Alan tries a case for a former flame, Renata, who is accused of killing her groom to be - problem is, a person similar to her was seen at the crime scene. It turns out that she exchanged identities with someone and she maintains that the woman returned and wanted her identity back - she killed the groom becauser Renata refused to return to her old life. Turns out that his client really was the culprit and that she murdered the original Renata earlier, immediately after she returned to get her identity back. What's the awesome moment? Alan manages to have his cake and eat it. He successfuly defends his client, but the moment the D.A. comes in with a deal, he takes it. He then explains to Renata that he knows about everything and without dropping a beat tells her that if she doesn't take the less-than-ideal deal, he'll gleefully ignore attorney-client privilege and disbar himself so she can rot in prison.