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Audio Play: Dirty Potter

Dirty Potter is what results when the Harry Potter audiobooks, as narrated by Jim Dale, meet with Manipulative Editing. In the words of the site, "[Dirty Potter] is a trilogy of audio shorts that were made in Adobe Audition, through creative use of word splicing and sound editing of all seven Harry Potter audiobooks. The characters have been re-imagined as overly lustful and sex-crazed; frequently engaging in lewd activities and using vulgar language. Each audio short is narrated by British actor Jim Dale, who also has been incorporated as a totally new character in the context of the parody."

The series currently spans four episodes: "Dirty Potter and the Snape Murders Dumbledore"; "Dirty Potter and the Deathly Farts", "Dirty Potter and the Fabulous Gay Farty Pee and Poo Party", and "Fuckbeaknote  & Friends". The team has also created "Dirty Barack", a splicing of Barack Obama 's "The Audacity of Hope", "Dirty Peter Pan and the Long Black Penis of Evil", and "Dirty the Pooh and the Hundred Acre Shitpile".

Oh, and it has nothing to do with a Harry Potter / Dirty Harry crossover.


Dirty Potter provides examples of:

  • A Date with Rosie Palms: Ron is particularly prone to this. Whenever anyone does, it's almost always in front of someone else.
    • The warning at the start of "A Very Dirty Potter Christmas" encourages the listener to do this.
  • A Hell of a Time: "But nobody minded. Because they all went to burn in Hell forever. Which was much more exciting."
  • Anything That Moves: Everybody
    Ron. Hagrid'll fuck anything if it stands still long enough, eh?
  • Angrish: "He pulled the pieces of brown poo out of his ass without looking at them, [and] tucked them away in Hagrid's mouth. 'Phah-mphszvyy-hwa! Oy!' said Hagrid, indignantly."
    • "Wendy had a face full of hot poop. She was frightfully furious! 'Nyarargh!' she said, and gagged."
  • Apocalypse How: Class X when Pooh's satanic farts blow up the planet during the Stinkpocalypse.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: From the Dirty the Pooh outtakes: "Zombies poured from the underworld banging their heads to immensely heavy metal and looked like they meant business and went back to the desk, sat down, and started selling vibrators. *beat* But at horribly inflated prices!"
  • Ascended Meme: "Then Christopher Robin beat his fucking fist in Eeyore's face so violently that he ejaculated a golden shower of fucking pineapples.".
    Yeah!
    • "And Ron was ass-blasted off his feet so forcefully, he shot straight into another fucking dimension."
  • A Party Also Known as an Orgy: Of the fabulous farty, pee, and poo variety.
  • Artifact Title: Subverted with "Fuckbeak and Friends: Chapter 2" - it is revealed at two points that Fuckbeak was watching all the events of the chapter.
  • Author Appeal: Many of the characters are seen playing with shit in a variety of ways that would make a janitor run in horror. Word of God is that most of this is because of his obsession with fart and poop jokes going all the way back to his childhood.
    On an old Nickelodeon 3D Movie Maker video DPO dug up from when he was 13, which contains copious amounts of green slime repurposed as poop
    IMMAOILMAN: So, the waves of evil smelling green ass juice carried itself over into Dirty Potter as a vestige of your childhood.
    dirtypottertube: woah i never even thought about this but you're 100% right. be my therapist?
  • Author Existence Failure: Parodied in-universe when Pooh holds up the head of David Benedictus, the writer for Return to the Hundred Acre Wood. DPO actually listened to the whole book and hated it, hence his revenge against the author (he thought it read like a fan fiction and that the new character, Lottie the Otter, reeked of Mary Sue.)
  • Bad Ass: Would you believe in Dirty the Pooh it's Tigger?
    • (After ten minutes of Kill 'em All violence and destruction) "BOR-ING!"
    • Pooh also deserves mention, as after Tigger says this, he simply glares at him, saying 'Nigger please' and proceeds to pick up a baby rabbit and eat its head for no good reason.
  • Blatant Lies: Chapter 3: In which nothing happens at all. Really! I promise!
  • Blue and Orange Morality: There doesn't seem to be a set morality as to how evil or how good a person is. Everyone is so focused on having massive orgies and orgasms that they don't seem to mind how evil someone such as Pooh after his Deal with the Devil is as long as they get what they want. The only person having considered to have crossed the line is Fuckbeak after his Noodle Incident in Hogwarts.
  • Brick Joke: JK Rowling's fart is mentioned in Dirty Potter 3 as blowing Ron into another dimension. He then gets blown into the hundred acre wood in Dirty the Pooh 3.
  • Cluster F-Bomb: Should go without saying by now, but special mention goes to Pooh's hum at the end of Dirty the Pooh, Chapter 1. It sort of foreshadows the events of chapter 3.
    "If you want to shit, you must put it into Piglet. And the shit, which is shitty, if it's shitty in the shit. And you'll know when you have shitted how much shit you can shit, yes you'll know what the amount is, and so therefore, you will DIE!!! And I hope that you enjoy it..."
    • And Harry's outburst when he enters the bathroom in Dirty Potter 2.
    • Tigger's long Fuck You streak in Dirty the Pooh 2:
    And Tigger emitting a ferocious "Fuck You, Eeyore, Fuck You, Long-Ears, Fuck You, Owl... and, especially, Fuck You, Jim Dale."
    • The ending of the original Dirty Potter:
    "Bloody fucking Snape fucking murders fucking bloody faggot fat lady cumming faggot cunt shit jerking off cum bloody black half-blood cunt bulging butt fudge flaming gay explosion POO! bosom gag hardon warts jerking his tit sperm buttock farty golden shower ballsack beat it ugly little butt pirate tight behind farting poo spurted pulsating slightly damp, moldy, smelling bush CONSTIPATION SENSATION Dumbledore jerking off uncontrollably in a pool of his own blood."
  • Coitus Ensues: Surprisingly averted. Despite almost every other form of sex imaginable happening without prompt, plain old penis-to-vagina intercourse never happens. At best it's contemplated, but never acted upon due to the apparently dangerous drawbacks. As expected, it's because "gay stuff is funnier"
  • Content Warnings: Played with as with this page's quote but subverted with the intro the Fuckbeak & Friends Chapter 2.
    Warning. This audiobook series contains a humongous pile of Blah Blah Blah whatever it was. Fuck off.
  • Country Matters
  • Darker and Edgier: Dirty the Pooh Chapter 3, and how. Unsuprisingly, it was inspired by "too much evangelion"
    • Another reason is because the creator wanted to absolutely ruin Winnie the Pooh for everyone. He thought Rule 34 wasn't enough, so he used Rule 666 instead.
    • According to Word of God, he put in the Satanic references because he found out he had some Christian fans and wanted to troll them. His stated goal is to alienate as many people as possible, Aristocrats style.
  • Deal with the Devil: Word of God says that Pooh sold his soul for honey. And porn. Gay porn.
  • Death from Above: Mentioned by name when the Great Flaming Meteors of Shit rain down on the Hundred Acre Wood.
  • Depraved Bisexual: EVERYONE
  • Depraved Homosexual: Anyone who isn't bisexual.
  • Disney Death: Snape murders Dumbledore in Dirty Potter 1 multiple times (it was made soon after the 6th book came out), but he's revealed to be alive and murdered again by Snape in Dirty Potter 3, though Jim Dale can't pronounce his name.
  • Dummied Out: An early version of Dirty Potter 3 existed with several changed lines. Among other things, L. Ron Hubbard and George W. Bush were going to come into the class along with Jim Dale, and J. K. Rowling would have commented, "I must have passed a dozen feces and farties on my way here" after the assblasting. Some of this content was eventually worked into later splicings.
  • Earth-Shattering Kaboom: The ending of Dirty The Pooh, leading to a Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies, although Tigger, Christopher Robin and Jim Dale somehow survive.
  • Even the Guys Want Him: Piglet dreams of going to bed with Jim Dale and making love with his hot strong body. Tigger lives through the Stinkpocalypse and gets to fuck with Jim Dale
  • Everyone Has Lots of Sex: They can even do this constantly for almost forty days and forty nights!
  • Everyone Is Bi
  • Evil Laugh: The cackle at mentioning 9-11 in Dirty Potter 2 counts, but most obvious is the slowed-down version of the same laugh in Dirty Potter 3:
    Jim Dale: "Haha! Enjoy your fucking holidays, you enormous faggoty faggots. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!"
  • Eye Scream: Pooh melting Piglet's eyes like marshmallows.
  • Fartillery: The aforementioned ass-blasting, strong enough to send people into other dimensions
  • Food Porn: The detailed descriptions of food common in the Harry Potter books are parodied in Dirty Potter 3 with Jim Dale describing "mountains of shit in every flavor you could think of".
  • Foreshadowing: Extremely blatant in the ending of Dirty the Pooh Chapter 1 and the title of Chapter 2, although it was hard to tell if they were serious before Chapter 3 came out.
  • Freudian Slip:
    "Dirty Potter and the Fabulous Gay Farty Pee and Poo Party. Chapter Poo...* ahem* , I mean, two"
  • Gag Penis: "J. K., Rowling and Jim Dale both groped [Harry's] gigantic cock, at least twelve feet long, and easily the largest for miles around."
  • Gainax Ending: Dirty The Pooh part 3. Again, came from EVA.
    • Also Dirty Peter Pan, with Jim Dale abruptly stopping the story to talk about his experience in England as a.... "Nigger Train."
  • Genius Loci: The Hundred-Acre Wood after Pooh begins assembly...FROM HELL!
  • Groin Attack: After being sent to hell, Jesus Christ circumcises Christopher Robin's foreskin with his teeth.
  • Have a Gay Old Time: Played for Laughs in that the particular occurrence of the "Ron ejaculated" Running Gag stems from quote-mining a moment from the US version of Order of the Phoenix, which meant that Ron exclaimed something.
  • Hermaphrodite: J. K. Rowling.
  • Horsemen Of The Stinkpocalypse: One of the last crises brought on by Pooh's assembly.
  • Iconic Sound: The skeet noise. Came from taking the "-ock" from "locking up Stan Shuntpike".
  • Inadvertent Entrance Cue: The sounds preceding Christopher Robin's first appearance in Dirty The Pooh chapter 1.
  • Inherently Funny Words: Locking
  • Interactive Narrator: You can even have sex with him!
  • Jim Dale Just Didn't Care: Invoked for laughs - Jim Dale warns the listener that Fuckbeak and Friends Chapter 2 contains, "A humongous pile of blah-blah-blah, whatever it was. Fuck off!".
  • Katanas Are Just Better: Pooh uses a "ginormous ninja sword" to cut up Roo's body.
  • Kill 'em All: Dirty The Pooh Chapter 3
  • Late-Arrival Spoiler: The First Dirty Potter makes constant jokes of The Half-Blood Prince's Infamous mass spoiling of Professor Snape Killing Dumbledore, right down to naming the first part "Dirty Potter and The Snape Kills Dumbledore".
  • Machinima: A Garry's Mod adaptation was produced for the first four minutes of Deathly Farts.
  • Made of Iron
    • Tigger takes on Pooh's assembly from hell and shrugs off the pain, declaring it all "BORING".
    • Ron survived a fart that was massive enough to push him into another dimension and landed unharmed in the Hundred Acre Wood.
  • Major Injury Underreaction: In Dirty the Pooh 3, Pooh eats Piglet alive. Piglet's response? "Ow!"
  • Mickey Mousing: Jim Dale does this with the music in the intro to the first Dirty the Pooh, and briefly does it in Fuckbeak and Friends Chapter One where Ron's "ejaculation" is synched up with the background music.
    • He also does it in an alternate intro to Dirty the Pooh, with sound effects synched up to the theme song.
  • Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: "Very fat homosexual bulldyke midget Jewish handicapped Nazi nigger dick."
    • Also the "more than one hundred very special retarded tyrannosauruses with massive Asperger's and Down's Syndrome" in Dirty the Pooh 3.
    • "Big bearded gay Jewish burly sailor pajama party pornography."
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: Invoked; as noted above, the Jim Dale of Dirty Potter and the actual Jim Dale are said to be separate entities.
  • No Fourth Wall: Jim Dale not only narrates, but also freely has sex with the characters and narrates it. He also yells at listeners for liking Dirty Potter.
  • Nonindicative Name: Despite the title of Chapter One of Dirty the Pooh being "In Which Rabbit Stuffs Almost Everything Right in His Ass and a Stupid Black Nigger Goes Poopoo In Bed," none of these events actually happen.
    • Likewise, chapter two is subtitled "In Which Winnie The Pooh's Large And Extremely Dangerous Ass Farts Directly In All The Animals' Stupid Faces... and Everybody Dies!". A third chapter was released several weeks later.
      • Its subtitle: "In Which Nothing Happens At All. Really. I Promise!" The actual events: Basically the subtitle to Dirty the Pooh Chapter 2. Pooh's large and extremely dangerous ass does fart, and everybody dies (and goes to burn in hell forever, which is much more exciting.)
    • The titular 'Long Black Penis of Evil' does not appear in Dirty Peter Pan.
    • The title of the first chapter of Dirty Potter 4 is "Fuckbeak the Hippogriff and the Extremely Arousing Fucking Huge Diarrhea Bathtime." Although part of it takes place in a bathroom, there is no actual bath of diarrhea. Until Part 2, anyway.
      • Finally averted in chapter 2, "Cock-a-doodle-doo, My Dick Goes Where You Poo!", where anal sex occurs in the very beginning.
  • Noodle Incident: "For Owl, a testicle case, in case he lost his testicles. Because- oh, well, it would take too long to explain."
    • Fuckbeak's expulsion from Hogwarts was apparently so horrific that Jim Dale himself is disallowed from retelling it. What he says about Fuckbeak turning all of the students gay and dying in the process is just a cover story.
  • N-Word Privileges: Jim Dale freely drops the N-bomb whenever he feels like it.
    • It's revealed in "Fuckbeak and Friends Chapter 2" that Jim Dale enjoys the word because of "how offensive it is to minorities".
  • Once per Episode: The "Yeah" Guy.
  • Overly-Long Gag: Pretty much any of the skeet sequences, but the overly long sequence in particular is when Jim Dale can't seem to pronounce Dumbledore's name.
    • And learn, and learn, and learn, and fart, and learn, and learn, and cum, and learn, and POIK, and learn, and fap, and learn, and spurt, and learn, and skeet, and learn, and fuck underage wizards, and learn and, jack it, and learn, and LOL, and learn, and POO, and learn, and jerk, and poop, and jerk, and poop, and jerk, and...note 
    • Then, it got even hotter. Christopher Robin was too hot for his own good. Then, one day, which some say was the hottest yet and others said was the hottest ever since time began, it got even hotter.note 
    • One of the deleted scenes from Dirty The Pooh involved Tigger letting out a very long, loud burp. The author gets really, really creative with the sound editing techniques.
    • Basically the entire second half of Dirty Peter Pan. "Or he could..."
  • Our Lawyers Advised This Trope: Parodied at the end of several of the parts.
    Jim Dale: "Neither this audiobook nor any portion of it may be injected as heroin or rolled up and smoked in a big... Fat... Blunt... cough Without prior written authorization from faggot bitch nigger Shinji Ikari."
    • It was originally supposed to say "Justin Bieber", but DPO felt that people should try and forget about him.
  • Parental Incest: "I said 'Fuck you, kind parents for giving me buttsex to make me gay.'"
  • Politically Incorrect Person: EVERYONE. But you can't get really offended since it's just so ridiculous and everyone is a target. It's like the YouTube Poop version of The Aristocrats.
  • Prequel: Fuckbeak & Friends takes place before Dirty Potter and the Snape Murders Dumbledore.
  • Punctuated! For! Emphasis!: "BAD MAN SHIT! BAD MAN SHIT!"
    • "1001 ways for spraying Christopher Robin with...RICH...DAMP...SHIT!"
    • TWEET! TWEET! MOTHER! FUCKING! TWEET! TWEET!
  • Piss Take Rap: In Fuckbeak and Friends: Chapter 2 Jim Dale performs one.
  • Queer People Are Funny: Most of the humor is derived from this. But the creators are straight allies and even have gay and trans fans. DPO says they focus on gay sex because quote "gay stuff is funnier".
  • Quote Mine: Most of the dirtier terms come as a result of this, such as the "Ron ejaculated" Running Gag.
  • Rambling Monologue: Subverted in Dirty the Pooh Chapter 2.
    Eeyore : "That's very kind of you. Of course, the grass is always greener on the other side of the forest. More chewy on the whole. Not the grass, but my donkey ass. Mm-mm-mm. Thank you. *sighs* A week ago last Thursday there was this hedgehog. The hedgehog-"
    Christopher Robin : "Nobody cares, Eeyore."
  • Rape and Switch: Fuckbeak is expelled from Hogwarts for molesting everyone at the school, turning them all gay. Or at least that's the cover story; the real reason is apparently much more horrifying.
  • Rasputinian Death: It takes an Earth-Shattering Kaboom for all of the animals in Dirty the Pooh 3 to finally die, despite all of the horrors and pains they are put through by Pooh.
    • Christopher Robin (save for a dent in his face), Tigger, and Jim Dale however, survive the whole ordeal. Ron survives too by noclipping himself until he got banned. Word of God says he was forced into the void again when Jim Dale banned him. He is alive, but his current location is unknown.
  • Rule34: The picture at the beginning of Dirty Potter 1, 2, and 3! and everything in the Dirty the Pooh trailer.
    • Mentioned in the Dirty Potter 4 teaser trailer. Apparently, it never sounded this good.
  • Rule of Funny: Much of the physics, anatomy, sexual positions and math are logically impossible. That's why it's hilarious.
  • Running Gag: "Snape murders Dumbledore" and "Ron ejaculated" from DP 1.
    • AND, FOR SOME STRANGE REASON
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: Jim Dale's rant at the end of Dirty Potter 3, again halfway through Dirty the Pooh, and again in Fuckbeak and Friends.
  • Self-Deprecation: The warning at the start of Fuckbeak And Friends.
  • Self-Insert Fic: Parodied with Jim Dale, the narrator, actually appearing in both Dirty Potter and Dirty the Pooh as a character akin to a Memetic Sex God, with several characters dreaming of going to bed with him. Not quite a pure example, since it is actually a remix of Jim Dale rather than an actual reading, but it still counts.
  • Serial Escalation: Each successive episode further pushes the boundaries of how positively disgusting and impossible the "sex" Jim Dale narrates gets.
    • 666 fire breathing penises, anyone?
    • Fuckbeak was expelled from Hogwarts for basically being the sickest of sick fucks. In this universe, that's saying something.
  • Serious Business: DirtyPotterOfficial was not happy about the closure of the old forums.
  • Shaped Like Itself:
    Jim Dale : There were 142 gigantic-size feces piles that smelled of cabbage-smelling cabbage, with the delicious smell of fucking farty old cabbage.
  • Shout-Out: The line about Professor Umbridge shitting on her face in DP 1 is a reference to Tubgirl.
  • Shut Up, Hannibal!: "Harry, Harry...Harry–" FUCK YOU.
  • Sophisticated as Hell: Forum threads were made analyzing the physics and mathematics of Dirty Potter.
    • Dirty Potter 4 uses Chopin music, "Because here at Dirty Potter, we're fucking classy like that."
  • Soundtrack Dissonance: Ode To Joy plays during the catastrophic ending of Dirty The Pooh, a la Neon Genesis Evangelion
    • "Fuckbeak & Friends" takes it to new levels.
  • Squick: The main intention is to be as Squick as possible. Think Scrotey McBoogerballs.
    • In Fuckbeak & Friends, Ron vomits over himself as he witnesses a particularly vile cunnilingus between Harry and Hermione. Considering the standard of sex in this series, this is significant. invoked
    • In chapter 2 of Fuckbeak & Friends, Fuckbeak himself vomits after seeing everyone playing on Hagrid's feces mountain through the window. It doesn't stop him from having A Date with Rosie Palms, however. invoked
  • Stupid Statement Dance Mix: "In England, go back all those years, I used to be a nigger train.
  • Take That, Audience!: Jim Dale stops reading Dirty The Pooh chapter 1 for a minute to go off on a rant on how stupid the whole thing is and how stupid you are for thinking it's funny.
    Jim Dale : The awful thing was that you probably thought this was funny. But it isn't. At all. Ever. I'm so done with this bullshit. You're just fucking gay faggots and probably retarded, listening to stupid fucking recycled bullshit from Dirty Potter like this is fail. I think that you should go shake your fucking pants and kill yourself instantly. *beat* Uh- *clears throat* Meanwhile...
    • In Fuckbeak and Friends 2, he laments how he's going to have to make more Dirty Potter videos after ranting about how much he hates it.
    Jim Dale : And I want to take this opportunity of thanking the thousands of pathetic failures, even worse than I am, for listening all these years. Aww, thank you so much. And now, it's time for making more Dirty Potter audio books. I'm so thrilled about that. Ooh, absolutely wonderful. Fucking fantastic.
  • Teeny Weenie: Ron has one of these but it doesn't stop him from having A Date with Rosie Palms constantly.
  • Toilet Humor: Taken Up to Eleven and had the knob ripped off.
  • Too Soon: "Harry took a deep breath, and plunged his face into the toilet. And it was blissful oblivion; better than September Eleventh."
  • Trilogy Creep: Even though the FAQ refers to Dirty Potter as a trilogy, chapter 1 of Fuckbeak And Friends is occasionally referred to as Dirty Potter 4.
  • Voice of the Legion: "I want souls...thousands and thousands of DOOMED SOULS!"
  • Vulgar Humor: Doesn't even begin to describe it.
  • Wham Line: "There, there. Settle down, everybody." said Pooh. "It's time for assembly... from HELL!"
  • Whatevermancy: Homomancy.note 
  • What Happened to the Mouse?: Literally. What happened to the "several frantic mice" trapped inside Harry's butthole at the beginning of Deathly Farts? According to Word of God, "They were crapped out and moved to Tallahassee to start a family and open a gay bar. Nobody has heard from them since."
  • When Trees Attack: Just one of the many horrors brought by Pooh's assembly. It ends very badly for Rabbit.
  • A Wild Rapper Appears: Parodied when Professor McGonagall raps like Ludacris in Dirty Potter 3.
    • Jim Dale raps himself in Fuckbeak & Friends chapter 2 to drown out Hermione's attempt to get the story back on track.
  • Writer on Board: "Fucking fuck FaggotTube; it's for eleven year-old girls and fucking black niggers. That's right! Youtube sucks cat shit. I really didn't fucking like it. I really hated it so violently that it made me gay."
  • You Bastard: "The awful thing was that you probably thought this was funny. But it isn't. At all. Ever."
  • YouTube Poop: While independent from the mainstream Youtube Poop community, the creator is very well familiar with the phenomenon and has even made a few standard poops himself. Waldfield hosted an interview with him for You Chew Poop.com, in which he asks about the extent to which the Dirty Potter videos qualify as true Youtube Poop. The conclusion was that it should be considered "audio poop".

*oickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoickoick*

(Yeah!)
DeservingFanWorks/Harry PotterThe Draco Trilogy
Conan the Barbarian (1982)Notable QuotablesDiscworld

alternative title(s): Dirty Potter
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