Stage 1: New Divide
(looks to see if the Prayer Warriors
parody is updated yet)
...because, hey, I want to see if I jumped the gu—
(then is notified that I might as well consider the series dead)
...point there. I mean, it's highly likely that Thomas would not return to Fanfiction.net, and the dual liveblog, the "parody", and the now-deleted A Light in the Forest: The Legend of Holly Boy
are just wastes of space...
So what the hell should I liveblog now? I mean, I can't very well do Lightspeed Rescue
, as much as I fucking love the series...I'd have to wait for Saban Brands to either A) release the season on DVD or B) wait for it to show up on Nicktoons. As for Super Sentai Vs. Power Rangers
, that, too, might be deleted if it's ever revealed that Spike's the son of Kimberly.
...which actually bothers the shit out of me, because Sean Akizuki made great
strides to fuck with Super Sentai
canon before, so why stop then?
...so what to do—
(looks over at So Bad It's Horrible and glances onto "Fan Film")
Holy shit, something that may take Sonichu
's place as Worst Fan-Created Sonic Story EVAR?
(looks to see that I have viewers
Oh, hi, everyone!
As you guys know, there are some fandoms that are infamous for their Copy Cat Sues
and formulatic plots. Sometimes replacing the latter with author filibusters about his/her life. And sometimes, you have stories, films, what-have-you that have the creator not only doing
those things, but they don't take criticism well.
And considering that I became "famous" for "flaming" a series
when I critiqued the shit out of it (81+ fucking chapters!
), I've decided to move onto greener pastures.
First, tell me, kids, have you heard of this before? A fan decides to make a story using Sonic the Hedgehog
as its basis, becoming uncreative in the process. His story is so unpopular, as well as his characters—overly-powerful ones with a particular annoying one as his main—that he doesn't take criticism all that well. Also, the characters have recolored sprites/pictures.
If you think I'm talking about Sonichu
, well, you're wrong. The story I'll be covering is a fanfilm made by one GyroHedgie453. Claiming to be GRIMDARK, well...the fact that it's in So Bad It's Horrible should tell you all there needs to know.
And the reason why I decided to liveblog this fanfilm? One, it's short; two, out of Bile Fucking Fascination.
And so, from the batshit insane mind that brought you so many titles
Gyro: Dark Chronicles.
Let's dive into the madness with...
Episode 1: Start of the First Adventure
We get our opening, which is the characters...standing there. In plain background. And if that wasn't bad enough, the theme song is...oh, dear God...
"Crawling". Yes. Fucking "Crawling".
If you don't know what the hell the song is, "Crawling" is a song performed by Linkin Park
. You may have heard it in emo-based fan films, stuff that mocks the emos, and the like. (If you haven't heard of this song, congratulations!)
Now, as for me...there was a time where I liked the song. Not because I was emo, I thought it sounded cool. But now, I just fucking hate it.
You can practically feel the Wangst in the lyrics, and while the music itself is fairly decent...oh, God. And the memes related to this song? It doesn't help at all.
"CRAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIIN/THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL NOT HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!1"
Excuse me while I throw up. (does so)
(a few minutes later...)
Okay, now I'm back. And if there are people who like the song, you're entitled to your opinion.
That being said, I actually do
like Linkin Park, and that's because, to me, they've improved over time. Hell, even the comparisons between them and the Harry Potter
series actually does fit, the one about how they've matured as time goes on. If Hybrid Theory
is their Sorceror's Stone
(their beginnings) and Meteora
their Chamber of Secrets/Prisoner of Azkaban
(their continuing establishments), then Minutes to Midnight
would be their Goblet of Fire
(absolute game-changers). And I will admit to liking their work from Minutes to Midnight
on, because it got rid of the wangst and focused on deeper meanings.
...and I do apologize for going on and on about a criticism for a fucking song
. Keep in mind that "Crawling" is basically the theme for the series, so...to give it the dignity it most certainly doesn't deserve...I'm going to replace it with the ass-kicking "New Divide
Expect me to replace "Crawling" with a different "theme song" every day.
Speaking of the opening credits, we get the title: "Gyro: The Dark Chronicles". With four copycat Sues "posing". Already do I see Sonic and Rouge the Bat being repainted. And possibly Knuckles. (Forgive me, I haven't really played the Sonic
series, and the only knowledge I have of them are browsing through Wikis, playing with the characters on We Are Our Avatars
, and the like.)
So who are the characters? What kinds of "dark chronicles" will our heroes face? Let's find out.
...also, the opening credits is a slideshow. Forgot to mention that. But that, coupled with the repainted characters, does not show a good sign of quality.
After the credits, we see Gyro speaking to Not!Rouge, now renamed "Sabrina". The voice acting here is just...I want to say non-existent, but...it's like someone ran through the lines through a computer and called it good. And you can barely
make out what they are trying to say.
Gyro states that the future will be threatened by someone named "Zero", and he wonders what they will need to do in order to stop him. Wait, we don't
get to see what our heroes were like before all this? No...character development or anything, no establishing character moments?
Okay, then, I guess we're really skipping to the action! God...say what you will about My Little Eye
, but that film? Even though that cut to the necessary bits, we do
get to see establishing character moments from the leads at the beginning.
(And keep in mind that I loved
Sabrina tells Gyro that they'll need to find his...hideout, I guess. And Gyro gets...shot at, I guess. We only get a little "KA-POW!"-looking thing coming out of Gyro's body, and a very dull "EEEEEEEEEEE!". I would presume to be the sound effects.
Sabrina sees Zero, asking him about what he did. Good God, the acting...I hate to really say this, but Keanu Reeves
, Tommy Wiseau
, and even Jennifer fucking Yen
would be able to pull more convincing performances than this literal (and digital) boredom.
...though how hilarious would it be if Keanu, Wiseau, and Jennifer did
team up? That would be a whirlwind of bad acting galore.
Anyway, Zero...who is Not!Shadow, says...something, and he orders Ooze to "take care of them". So he...flips himself and Sabrina over, and they both...land on the ground.
Okay, question. How in the hell would Ooze be able to lift himself up along with Sabrina? Unless if he jumped up with her and threw her down...
Turns out that Zero would not be able to unlock his true potential, unless if he gets his sis, who can act as a power amplifier. Okay, how in the hell would that work? Why is she a power amplifier for this guy?
And, in fact? In a well-written story, that would be a big reveal, of how Zero would target his own sis. Here, not only is it stated ahead of time, but it was revealed right in front of Gyro. Our hero.
Dude, congratuations. One minute and some-odd seconds in, you're the first one to be subjected to this.
The filmmaker, too.
So after the dumbass reveal, the screen goes dark. I would presume that the film itself gave up.
But nope. Zero manages to capture Sabrina. I am not kidding, some-fucking-how, he managed to overpower
Gyro and get her. Okay, how is Sabrina even related to Zero, if she's his brother? In fact, how did he even get her? How did he overpower Gyro? What, did the shooting knock him out or some shit?
...fucking plot holes.
Sabrina wakes up, wondering where she is. Zero answers that she's in his base. Then we get one of the biggest fuck-ups in the entire damn series: after she vows that Gyro will get him, Zero states that he himself
would never find the base.
Okay, yes, even the filmmaker admits to fucking that up. But come on.
Pay attention to your damn characters!
This part ends with Zero declaring that he won. Calling it now: in the end, he doesn't win.
One part down, four to go! Will Gyro manage to defeat Zero? Why is he taken down like a damn punk? And will Zero not become so fucking stupid?
All these questions and more will be answered on the next liveblogging of Gyro: Dark Chronicles!