"...then why the fuck did you not delete all the other stories when you had the chance?! Seriously, it would save me a hell of a lot of trouble into thinking that they fucking exist!"
That was me months ago, when I reviewed the secret chapter (which has now been reposted by moi
on her own liveblog) in The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods Part Two
. Since then...well, we're in an interesting spot where I can summarize the current situation in one phrase...
"Be careful what you wish for."
Allow me to explain. Grab a chair and a cold drink, because it's time for backstory.
On approximately November 2011, I began a long journey into liveblogging one of the most infamous fanfiction series of all time: The Prayer Warriors
. The first, The Evil Gods
, was just...bad. It was the establishing point where women are willingly submissive whilst declaring that they, essentially, suck and men are oh-so-better; the many death scenes of "Satanists" and the revival of several deceased characters for no good reason, Character Derailment
, many instances of Writer on Board
and the occasional "Jesus praises Thomas Brown when he should have been shaking his head in disgust", and Thomas bitching at critics he doesn't like.
Oh, and the killing of "Satanists" is supposedly for the good of God.
During that time, I was turned into a man due to all the women-bashing, and I drank myself to...well, not-death. And no, my male form, once again, would not
look like Robert Pattinson. (More on that later.) I declared it to be one of the worst fanfics I've ever read.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING FANFIC I'VE EVER READ!"
But that was then. Then, immediately after finishing The Evil Gods Part One
, I liveblogged The Battle With the Witches
. The series got worse due to a lot more gore and violence than usual, references to My Immortal
, gay-bashing, and lots more hypocrisy and stupid choices. And that's added with the original problems. Oh, and it began the whole "hey, the critics are bashing my story, so I'm going to kill them off in the fanfic proper!" thing with Idiosy and Benry.
I honestly thought that it was even worse than the first story. It got to the point where I had to liveblog my favorite movie of all time, My Little Eye
, partly due to regaining sanity, partly due to the fact that my old laptop crapped out on me.
"The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches, in short, is so despicable with its acts of cruelty, Writer On Board moments, sexism, anticlimatic moments, deaths, anti-gay agendas, anti-other-religions-that-isn't-Christianity agendas, and overall not-so-good insanity, it makes me wonder what I'm doing with myself."
But then, in December, came The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Commonism/Communism
. Just when you thought it was dumb enough with tracts, bashing, deaths, and lots more unpleasant stuff, Thomas wrote this dumb plot of the titular Warriors stopping Communism before it could take off. Despite the fact that it should have triggered something
in that change.
This story is also notable
for including two more representatives ripe for the "you bashed my work, so now I'll kill you in my fic!" bullshit. BookObsesserNumberOne, there presented as a dumb brute known only as Books, and Yours Truly, there presented as...well, considering the clusterfuck, a damn skilled warrior who only died because the plot required for him to do so.
And no, I did not make a typo. Books and Prayer Warriors!me were presented as guys. Why? Who the hell knows.
Guess how I felt about the story.
"But in the end? This story made me so furious. Thomas Brown, I hope that you have cleaned up your act and proved it in The Evil Gods: Part Two, because, so help me, God, if I have to liveblog another one of your stories again..."
Originally, I thought that it would be the end of it. I thought that The Prayer Warriors
would end right then and there, or at least my liveblogging. I was honestly holding out hope that The Evil Gods: Part Two
. Even if it was mediocre.
Boy, was I wrong.
Because when I liveblogged that story, I went into a rampage against all those who liked me liveblogging the series. Out of all the liveblogs I've done, despite a plot that featured four Rangers
(albeit carried over from Super Sentai Vs. Power Rangers
), this was the weakest. And I admit, that was one of the worst liveblogs I've ever written, bar none.
Of course, with a horrible liveblog, came a worse
story. But only when Thomas was writing. Because Ebony Brown, his cousin, co-wrote it, and...when she wrote her chapters, it surprisingly toned down or even eliminated all the things that was wrong with the series. And added some stronger enemies as well, which was greatly appreciated.
As for Thomas...well, he created a villain who was not only invincible
(infuriatingly so!), but also vile. How vile? Well, so vile that I...emphasized it. And not in a good way, to the point where I declared the series to taste like dirt, or in another phrase, called it "shitdark". And the ending was one of the dumbest
things I've ever seen. Long story short, Jupiter, said vile villain, ended up killing Percy Jackson...the Prayer Warrior who the others were supposed to rescue in the first damn place.
"So that was The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods Part II. What did I think about it? Well...
(finally unleashes my total fury)
"THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SCUM-SHIT THAT'S AN INSULT TO OTHER SCUM-SHITS IS HORRIBLE! EVEN WORSE THAN THE THREE FUCKING STORIES PRIOR TO THIS COMBINED!!"
Ah, good times, good times. And that
was when I declared the end of my liveblogging for this series.
Then...out of absolutely fucking nowhere, enter Noah, Thomas' brother. He ended up writing a "secret chapter" that I liveblogged and enjoyed. And copypasted.
Flash-forward to March 2012, and I began liveblogging two new stories: Attack of the Sphinx
and The Titans Strike Back
. I ended up liveblogging four chapters each. Out of six and seven, respectively. Why did that happen?
Because not only was I suffering from serious writer's block, but on May 2012, to bring this story and
the opening quote full-circle, Noah broke into Thomas' account, locked him out for good, and deleted all his stories.
Well, sans the second one (Battle With the Witches
), but that doesn't really count. While it was a good move and attempt for me to pretend that the stories no longer exist...it was also a double-edged sword, as it now left no one to experience the horror/snark on it/do dramatic readings.
And caused lots of dead links for my liveblogs.
And so it comes to this: the parody Noah wrote of the Prayer Warriors, entitled The Player Worriers
. The question is, will it be a decent parody, or will it be one where Noah...shouldn't have bothered with it?
And so, from the batshit insane mind that brought you so many liveblogs
The Player Worriers: God is Dead and Jesus is a Brat.
(looks at full title)
...This Is Gonna Suck
, isn't it?
Well, for the first time, I'm going to focus at the title. Yes, I do understand the shit Noah went through, but...as someone who believes in the number one Aesop in my liveblogs ("Love one another"), the title makes me...cringe. Why not make it so that God and Jesus are pretending
to like what the Prayer Warriors are doing, so that way they can plan to smite the everloving hell out of them?
Actually, you know what, that would make a far better story than...this.
Chapter 1: Jerry, Michael and William battle it out to the death while confessing things that wouldn`t usual confess (man I love long titles, don`t you?). No, Noah, I Don't Like Long Titles.
And so we get our Author's Note.
"Hey, this is Noah. Tom`s unavailable. He might not be using this account ever again. Say goodbye to the Prayer Warriors and say hello to the Player Worriers. Hell for it, I might keep using this account just for my personal amusement. Ebbs is going to hate me because of it but how cares. Ebbs hates me anyway so nothing`s going to change that. Feel free to review this story telling me what I should write next. I want this as interactive as possible, for your amusement as well. Here, you can vent your frustration at me brother. Is everyone happy?"
...you know, Noah...first of all, as glad as I am that the stories are gone, at the same time, you should have kept them up for everyone else. Secondly, Ebony hates you? Odd, but then again...I feel almost like an asshole for praising her writing. (shrugs)
But then again
Ebony: "Noah, you have crossed the line. Give me back that account or else I will hunt you down make you wish you were never born. You are a lier, a disgusting homosexual lier! You promised to give this account back to me. Why did you hack into again? I want my $500 back."
...Ebony, you do
realize that you have your own account, right? So why are you claiming that it's yours?
Third, considering that I've glanced at your work, Noah...no. I'm really not that thrilled at what you've done. Because it feels less of a parody and more of the tripe Seltzer and Friedberg would do. With less toilet humor.
Actually, that's not the best comparison. The best comparison would be Noah reading through every single one of these reviews
and stating stuff that's already been stated before.
But enough nitpicking, let's get on it.
The story starts with the Warriors walking...then Jerremy makes a confession. Michael and William, the latter stated as being too young to murder everyone (then also helpfully mentions that the canon's fucked up anyway), are curious as to what it is.
Ready? Because it has to be seen to be believed.
Jerremy: "God is a lie!"
And it goes on with Jerremy stating that he's actually a fucking vampire
. I'm sorry, but...what?
That just...came out of nowhere. Why not, I don't know, build it up?
Michael's amazed, but then he reveals that he slept with Mary. And that he's the father of the kid. Um...once again, build-up, not just plop it down!
So since God's supposedly dead (me, He's Just Hiding
), Jerremy and Michael fight to the death. And we're told to pick a scene from the entire series, as they're the same.
Yeah, they're the same...except that the infamous Rika fight was clusterfuckial. And supposedly ripped off from The Iliad
, a far superior work. And in the Jupiter fight, that ended with him winning.
Noah, did you even read
I'm sorry that I have to call him out on this. But...a good parody should have a storyline
to mock. This is just a poor, poor Take That
against the series.
In any event, Jerremy is killed off, and William states that he's the tractor. For those of you who are unaware, the "tractor" is actually a misspelling of "traitor", a now-dropped plot point for ther series.
But here? He turns into a tractor and runs Michael over. Okay, I'll give Noah some credit, not only does he refrain from explaining the gory details, but that was ridiculously awesome.
But for now, that's the only point I'll concede.
The chapter ends with William trying to find other Prayer Warriors, but then Draco shows up. Revealing that he's a bigamist. O...kay...
Okay, I admit that here, there are a few things I liked. But everything's just unstructured. Why not have them slowly built up as homicidal murderers and, as an inversion, having the likable villains defeating them in the end? Including the reviewers?
Of course, who knows what course of action Noah will take, but we'll see what happens from there.
So what'll happen with the Prayer Warriors? Can this story get any better?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Player Worriers!