Bleh. This was supposed to be done two days ago. Unfortunately, a few things have come up that have made me slightly delayed.
1. I stopped being lazy and wrote another chapter of The Book of Friendship. Both of the people who actually read it will probably be happy once I post it.
2. I started playing Civilization V. Fuck, man.
3. I started rehearsing for another choir gig.
4. THIS FIC SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU So let's talk about what it means for a character to be a Mary Sue.
A lot of people make the mistake of just thinking that a Mary Sue is a collection of cliches and you can tell a sue by checking off a list. This is not really the case. Some people realize this, but then make the standards a lot more convoluted. "They're a sue if this trait, but not if this other context justifies this trait, or..." you get the idea.
In reality, what constitutes a Sue is fairly simple: The mindset of "hey! Look at me!" Many of these common Mary Sue attributes tend to arise from this mindset. For example, a character having a really dark and traumatic backstory that exists solely for the purpose of wringing sympathy out of the reader, despite the fact that said backstory does not seem to have any real significance or impact on characterization or plot.
It's not just that a character has a lot of superpowers or no discernable character flaws - it's that the story around them exists mainly to showboat the "character" rather than to tell a story.
I mean, take for example characters like Atticus Finch or Mary Poppins. They're highly idealized figures that the audience is supposed to look up to. But the story isn't all about warping to be about them. In those two specific cases, the story is more focused on the children and the things they learn from them.
I was going for some kind of big essay and point here but I'm tired so TL; DR Rose sucks.
So the chapter is "Halloween." As in canon, Harry/Rose is presented with a big package at breakfast, which is accompanied by a note from Professor McGonagall telling him that it's his new Nimbus Two Thousand broomstick for Quidditch. Except in this fic there's more.
I don't care if McGonagall adopted her, she'd know how commas work. Seriously, this author is terrible with them.
Because that's totally better than Rowling's narration about how Harry's mind kept wandering into the dormitory or out to the Quidditch pitch. Because who needs prose that's actually fun or imaginative?
Author, seriously... this story is set at a magic castle where the staircases change on a regular basis. Some of them have trick steps where your foot sinks into them. The headmaster is a 150-year-old gay man who enjoys chamber music and tenpin bowling and who fought successfully against two different Wizard Hitlers. The staff includes a half-giant and a midget. It's filled with secret passages and magical paintings where the inhabitants move and talk to people. One of the paintings is a crazy knight. The castle is by a lake with a giant squid. There's a forest filled with centaurs and giant spiders. The main school sport is played on flying broomsticks. Other common activities include games called "Gobstones" and "Exploding Snap." Have some fucking fun with it.
Oh, wait, I forgot. Fun is stupid.
And after eating what? The book specified that the broom-unwrapping scene was after dinner, but this paragraph comes right after breakfast. If I weren't paying attention I might've thought that she went back down to the great hall to finish breakfast or something.
And they open it in the men's dormitory, which Rose gives a description of.
Like a Muggle library? What, as opposed to a wizard library? What, is the library at Hogwarts not organized well?
I just realized that this means that we never got that funny mention of Ron being confused by another guy's love of soccer and prodding the poster, trying to get the players to move. Fun is stupid.
And canon continues as mostly normal for the meeting with Wood on the Quidditch pitch. You may recall how Wood explains the rules of the game and how the different balls work. And then the bit with the bludger.
Harry just swung the club and knocked the ball away. Rose does her Void bullshit. Get rid of the Void bullshit. It contributes nothing to the plot.
I also like that "like wind deflected off an object." What, not "wind off the cliffside," or "wind off a stone" or something, no, it's "wind deflected off an object." What object? It could be a piece of fucking paper and the wind wouldn't be deflected by it. And "object" isn't the most poetic word. It's like the author decided he wanted to be pretentious and then go lazy by the end of the sentence.
And you know, that kind of pretentious, trying-too-hard, flowery writing doesn't really mesh well with Rowling's prose, which tends to be very simple and to the point. That's part of why the books are as accessible as they are.
And now to play "mock the changes!"
Book:
Fanfic:
Taking perfectly decent canon and cluttering it with worthless junk. It's really annoying.
And now... it's... it's the Wingardium Leviosa scene.
Oh boy.
“What is it dear? Why aren’t you trying?”
“I suppose I’m afraid of... standing out even more, Professor,” I whispered.
“Really, please explain?”
“All right,” I relented, the little Professor was just too adorable to say no too, “I had the opportunity to learn magic before coming to Hogwarts for a month Professor, I essentially taught myself. And one thing I learned or realised was that you did not need to speak an incantation, the words on their own are meaningless, its intent and will that really counts but I do however mentally speak the words.” To illustrate I swished and flicked my wand while merely thinking hard ‘Wingardium Leviosa’ while also thinking of the feeling I got when flying on a broom in the back of my mind. This was where I made a tiny little blunder. I hadn’t corrected my aim on the feather after I had turned to Professor Flitwick, and the entire desk Seamus and I was working on flashed with magic and shot up into the air.
My eyes widened in fright, but I gritted my jaw to maintain my mental hold on the spell, and the entire desk now hovered in mid-air just a few feet above their heads at my wand’s direction.
Fuuuuuuck you.
“Oops,” I said and lowered the desk slowly back into place.
Huh? They jump at Flitwick making a squeak, but they don't bat an eyelash at Seamus setting his feather on fire?
You know, the purpose of this scene was to focus on Ron and Hermione, with the focus on Hermione knowing her shit. Having Rose upstage her before her scene even begins does nothing but detract from the scene's original intended focus.
So again, drawing attention back to herself instead of letting another character have the spotlight.
And of course, after this, Flitwick keeps Rose after class.
“I must say I am simply astounded Miss Potter,” said the small Professor, “the mental discipline to control magic without spoken incantation is something very few wizards master. I find it difficult to believe you were simply endowed with it.”
“No, since I was six years old I studied under a... muggle duelling master... if I could call him that, a lot of it involves mental exercises to enhance discipline, focus and concentration. I continue doing those exercises till this day.”
“Simply fascinating,” crooned Professor Flitwick, “amazing what Muggles have come up with to get on without magic. Can you do all your spells silently Miss Potter?”
“Yes, but I choose not to, because I see none of my classmates can do it,” I said. “I already get enough attention as The-Girl-Who-Lived without more people gawking at me,” she continued irritably.
“I know you feel that way, my dear, but they are clearly holding you back also in a way, and you will eventually become frustrated and bored in my class, and I don’t want that,” said Professor Flitwick earnestly. “Answer me this, how far are you in Magical Theory?” I blushed and mumbled something, which the Professor couldn’t hear. “Speak up, my dear.”
“I’ve finished studying it this summer,” I said softly.
“And in Standard Book of Spells?” squeaked Professor Flitwick.
“Halfway through,” I mumbled.
“Good Lord!Miss Potter, you should have come to me long before now, so we could have addressed this!” said Professor Flitwick. I had a pained face and even a few tears were falling from my eyes.
“I just don’t understand it Professor,” I sniffed, “I pick up spells as fast as I almost read them, everything just snaps into place and I understand and can perform it. No one else does this, not even Hermione Granger.”
“There, there, my dear, you must actually be thankful, you have a gift and excellent skills,” said Professor Flitwick handing me a hanky, “it’s something to be happy about, they do not change who you are at heart, unless you let them.” I considered this at length.
“How are you going to address this Professor? I like having my friends around me, I don’t want to be isolated from them by learning somewhere else at a higher level,” I said.
“I will initially speak to your Head of House, and from there it may even go to the Headmaster, but don’t fear, we’ll work something out for you.”
I said my goodbye’s and rushed out of the class to rejoin my fellow Gryffindors.
Ugghh. She's angsting about how she's so much better at her stuff than her other classmates.
You aren't Matilda, Rose. And unlike you, Matilda actually was mature and respectable at her age. You just put on a big phony show. Cut the bullshit about "mental discipline," I know exactly what happens come Order of the Phoenix.
So things continue mostly as canon. Ron hurts Hermione's feelings, she hides in the bathroom for the rest of the day, and then TROOOOOOOOOLLL!
Now, you'll recall how the scene went in canon. Harry jumped on the troll's back ("something that was both very brave and very stupid") and Ron knocked the troll out by using Wingardium Leviosa to conk the troll on the head with his own club.
Let's play a game, it'll be an easy one. It's called "Guess How the Author Will Fuck This Up!"
Alright, you got your guess? Good! Let's see if you were right!
Hermione Granger was shrinking against the wall opposite, looking as if she was about to faint. The troll was advancing on her, knocking sinks off the wall as it went.
“Confuse it!” I commanded desperately to Ron; they first had to get the troll’s attention off Hermione. Ron picked up a tap and threw it at the troll.
“Oy, pea brain!” yelled Ron from the other side of the chamber, and threw a metal pipe at it. The troll didn’t even notice the pipe hitting its shoulder, but it heard the yell and paused, turning its ugly snout towards Ron instead, giving me a perfect line of sight on my jury-rigged plan to get rid of thing, not kill it, but knock it out. The troll’s huge club. In a perfect imitation of my demonstration to Professor Flitwick earlier in the day, I swished and flicked my wand while mentally screaming the Levitation Charm. The club flashed with magic, and was under my control.
This happened just in time, as the troll had been in an upwards arc of a swing which was aimed at Ron. As the troll’s huge arm came down, it was confused why its weapon was no longer in its hand. It was the last thing it would think for a long time, as I started to use my wand like a conductor’s baton and direct the troll’s club to hit it on its small head. Once – twice – three times- the club made contact with the small skull of the troll. The troll swayed on the spot and fell flat on its face, with a thud that made the whole room tremble.
I slipped my mind out of Void. I was shaking and out of breath. Ron was standing there with his wand also out now; he probably was going to try the Levitation Charm if I failed. Grateful for the backup and help, I flashed Ron a big grateful smile who blushed red.
Aaaand the correct answer is "The author will make Ron's contribution to the scene negligible, giving one of his own big moments to Rose, thus further hammering in the fic's general horrid treatment of Ron that will only continue to get worse. As an added bonus, the whole scene where they fight the troll is much shorter, less dynamic, less tense, and less entertaining than it was in the actual book!"
Thank you for playing! Your prize is fuck you!
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