So the next chapter of Rose Potter and the Philosopher's Stone is titled "A Wonderful Magical World." As usual, it's a bunch of copy-paste from the book, with Rose going to the Leaky Cauldron and everyone gazemazing in gazemazement at her. The main difference is that Professor McGonagall is accompanying her, and she takes a few of Hagrid's lines.
“Can’t Tom, I’m on Hogwarts business,” said McGonagall who steered me towards the other end of the pub.
What Hogwarts business? Harry was essentially tagging along with Hagrid because Hagrid was being sent to pick up the stone from Gringotts. McGonagall isn't doing that. Are you telling me that this professor has nothing better to do than accompany Rose Potter that day while she shops for school supplies and underwear (no, really)? That that's her job for right now? Oh, who cares, moving on.
Y'know, I'm opening the original book up again, and there was more time to really introduce Hagrid and let the whole "yer a wizard" thing settle in. In this it's "cool, I really do have powers!" and they're off to Diagon Alley.
And here's the meeting with Professor Quirrel.
That's literally all there is to Quirrel's introduction in this fic. In the actual book he got dialogue and stuff and we were introduced to him. Y'know, actually establishing the character rather than a single paragraph of off-hand stuff. Was the author just too lazy to copy all the stuttering dialogue?
So they head to Gringotts. Man, reading the actual book along with the fic just reminds me of how much better the book was. You know how the goblin asks for the key, and Hagrid fishes through a bunch of dog biscuits out of his pockets before finding it? Gone! McGonnagall just pulls it out.
Every change. Every single change made from the books to this fic just makes the entire thing worse.
But ah, they do meet Hagrid, and he joins them down into the vault. Oh, and the "what's the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?" line? Gone! Because this author hates fun!
Why are they going with Hagrid, you might ask? Well, because they need to stop and pick up the package, and Rose has to see it or else we'll have no mystery for the plot.
So anyway, Rose is off to Madam Malkin's to get robes, and
Wait, why is Hagrid there now? Consider the timing here. In the books, Harry went with Hagrid after his birthday. But Rose didn't wait for her birthday. There's over a fucking week of difference. If that were the case, Hagrid would've taken care of that business well in advance of picking up Harry.
Anyway, they go to Malkin's, and this is where we meet Draco Malfoy (also there awfully early). It's largely unchanged, save for changing lines like
“Yes,” said Harry.
to
“Yes,” I said shortly.
and
to
Sneering inwardly isn't endearing, you stupid bitch.
“No, she’s Professor McGonagall, she teaches Transfiguration at Hogwarts,” said Rose.
“Oh, I’ve heard of her, very strict, Head of Gryffindor House,” said the boy distastefully. I was liking this boy less and less by the second, his haughty arrogant tone was just too much Dudley for my taste.
Note that the author forgot this was supposed to be in first-person. This happens again a few paragraphs later. Y'know, in the original story, this was where Draco said some rather distasteful things about Hagrid, calling him a stupid savage. And Harry tersely defends him, saying "I think he's brilliant." Short, to the point, and tells us that Harry doesn't take well to people insulting his friends.
So this has only detracted from Draco's characterization. Oh, and in the book it was just "He was liking the boy less and less every second," but here Rose feels the need to explain why she doesn't like it. Because otherwise, I wouldn't never known that saying a strict teacher was a strict teacher was haughty and arrogant.
We keep getting all these changes to talk about how Rose is sneering inwardly or says things "with a twinge of irritation." It's really quite annoying and I'll stop copying them because I'd like to do other shit today.
So yadda yadda they go shopping. Few small changes, like you know how Hagrid prevents Harry from buying a book of jinxes and the like he'd like to use on Dudley? Thus pointing that he can't just use magic to snidely get back at everyone he doesn't like and that he has to have a semblance of, y'know, responsibility? Nah, Rose sneaks the book out.
Then they go off to get a wand, and there's the whole scene with Olivander. But wait! There's a change!
“Erm – well, I don’t have a preferred arm, I can use both,” I said. This was due to a strange infection I had in my right hand when I was eight and for a long time I did not have the use of it. I still had schoolwork so I taught myself during that time to use my left, her Sensei was even happy about it as it would translate well into my martial arts.
I like how comes clean the fuck out of nowhere and contributes nothing to the story or the character. It's a change that exists purely to make Rose "better" than Harry. And shut up about your fucking sensei. Nobody cares.
Oh, and there's another change. In the book, when Harry finally gets the right wand, he sets off a colorful display of red and gold sparks, and Hagrid cheers. Here, however...
It copies the scene from the fucking movie. For no real reason, honestly.
And then the professor comes by to pick her up, bringing an owl with her (like in the movie with Hagrid). Oh, and she spells out that animals are called "familiars," which unless I'm mistaken, they aren't in the book.
And then... then...
I...
“Don’t mention it,” said McGonagall, “now for the last shop of the day.”
They walked back up the alley, and I blinked as I experienced the same effect as outside the Leaky Cauldron. Mc Gonagall showed me to a shop that I would never have seen otherwise. But judging from the people walking past it, its hidden effects were confined to wizards. Only witches could see the shop. But I had to stop my mouth from dropping to the floor. In curvy silvery script above the door to the shop was: Victoria’s Secret.
There is a Victoria's Secret on Diagon Alley.
I repeat: There is a Victoria's Secret on Diagon Alley.
Huh?
“Of course, one of the founding members of that company was a witch, and the store penetrated into the magical world,” said McGonagall.
No, no, no. I've seen The Social Network, that doesn't work! The store was founded by a dude from California and his wife. Even if his wife was a witch, that wouldn't matter, 'cause they sold the company. Unless someone on the L Brand board of directors is involved...
And then that goes on to bed the question of how the fuck it even works to have a company operating in both the Muggle and wizarding worlds. It's one thing when you have to keep track of exchange rates, but when one of the currencies you're using is part of The Masquerade, that's gonna play hell on the financial statements.
And even so, does anyone seriously go to Victoria's Secret to get a fucking training bra? Isn't that store mainly focused on, y'know... buying sexy lingerie? For sexy? Even if they did sell training bras, do you really expect me to believe that Professor McGonnagall, an old lady who is firmly established as a strict disciplinarian, would take a ten-year-old to Victoria's Secret?
And even if you can justify Victoria's Secret operating in the wizarding world, even if it turns out they sell a lot of really nice training bras, even if you could explain away all of this stupidity:
McGonagall picked out a white one piece bathing suit: “there is a lake at Hogwarts which is a blessing during the summer, as you can cool down in it by swimming.” Next, was a black sleeping gown and other similar items.
The entire point of the Diagon Alley chapter in the book is to introduce Harry to the wizarding world. Inserting a muggle store and giving it that kind of focus only dilutes from the chapter. Women's underwear isn't magical unless you're a fourteen year-old boy.
Oh. Ohhhhh... That explains everything.
Comments
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He only got a couple chapters into it before giving up. I chuckle a bit at the author's note. If you're going to do a "Methods of Rationality"-style rewrite of the story, why introduce a bland OC? Why not just use Sokka? He kinda already filled that role.
