Cheap Paranormal Romance: A Sporking
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This book is dedicated to Naughty Nana (whose secret love of men in leather pants provides endless inspiration)…Moving on. This is the present day. Our currently unnamed protagonist is waiting in a tacky bar for someone she met online. Apparently she thinks that he’ll scream at the sight of her. Or not, but she does mention being different somehow. She doesn’t elaborate. She goes on to comment on the tackiness of the bar, and wonder what kind of guy would pick a place like this for a first date.
A tall man with sun-kissed skin, broad shoulders, and tousled brown hair floated in – yes, floated – as if he’d ridden in on a cloud straight from Hot-Man Land.The rest of the paragraph goes on like that. Turns out this is Jake, her date. He walks over to her as every other woman in the place drools over him. He makes sure she’s the right person, establishes that her name is Emma, and says something about her having crazed female stalkers for roommates. Apparently they stole his underwear, and Emma thought they were joking. He still showed up knowing that? She takes his hand, which is apparently warm and inviting like his eyes. Hi there, sappy description. She says she wasn’t expecting someone so tall. He says he wasn’t expecting someone so adorable. Complete with a mention that he’s looking at her like a dog looks at meat. That’s not supposed to be romantic, is it? And then…well, then we get this.
’’”Adorable?”’’ said the deep male voice inside my head. ”What kind of moron compliments a woman with the word ‘adorable?’ Does he think you’re a goddamned puppy?”She hears sexy voices in her head. This isn’t new, either. Um, Emma? That’s generally not a good thing. Go get yourself checked. It might be serious. But no, it’s established that she’s trying to prove to the voice that she can find a boyfriend. Really, that’s what she’s doing. At least she acknowledges that it sounds crazy. Emma asks if her friends did anything stupid. Turns out they sent him an e-mail saying him they’d remove his testicles with a dull spoon if he did anything wrong. The voice approves. After a bit more flirting from Jake, the voice declares the date over. Emma says she’ll be right back, and goes to the conveniently empty bathroom to argue with the voice. She said he promised he wouldn’t talk. Apparently she promised she’d end the date if he sensed anything wrong. So…wait. The voice in her head can sense negative intent? Or something like that? I’m only five pages in, and this thing already makes no sense. The voice seems to think that the guy is “clearly deranged.” Emma disagrees. She freaks out and starts hiccupping uncontrollably. Nervous habit, I guess? She mentions something about the dress she’s wearing, and the voice expresses concern about it being a tight, sexy green dress that she just bought. It’s presented in a “you’re not, are you?” kind of way. Guess the voice can’t actually see what Emma is doing. That’s a bit weird. Also, some woman walks into the bathroom and clearly thinks Emma is crazy. It’s established that she usually uses a wireless headset in order to avoid that. That’s…actually pretty creative. I’ll have to remember that one. After wondering if she should tell the voice that she wishes he could see her in it (the heck?) Instead, she says this:
”Yes! I wore it, and it looks fabulous. You should see all the men walking around with colossal erections just from looking at me!”The woman who just walked in responds by opening the stall and leaving quickly. My thoughts exactly. I think she might be the most sensible person in the book so far. Emma only seems to care that the woman didn’t wash her hands. The voice warns her that she’s playing with fire. Emma responds by saying that if the voice doesn’t shut up, she’ll take the date as far as it goes.
”That’s right. Wild monkey sex, too! Hanging from the chandelier and everything.” Does Jake even have a chandelier? I’ll have to ask.This book does a better job making fun of itself than I ever could. So with that, she leaves the bathroom and goes back to her table. Suddenly, she feels incredibly guilty. Jake’s online profile says he’s looking for someone special to settle down with, and she knows she’s not that person. She realizes if she doesn’t get rid of the voice, she’ll never be able to do stuff normally. Took you that long to reach that conclusion? She tells Jake she can’t go through with it, wishes him luck, and leaves. The voice seems to think that she did it because he’d told her to. Emma reacts by flipping out in the middle of the street and telling him that he has to leave. He refuses. He doesn’t get why she keeps putting herself into troublesome situations. He adds that he’s vowed to protect her as long as he exists, even if it’s protecting her from herself. Oh, so the voice is chivalrous now? Apparently this isn’t the first time he’s said stuff like that. Emma declares that he’s hurting her, not protecting her. She stomps away through the street, trying to figure out HOW to get rid of him. Apparently she’d researched all kinds of methods (exorcists, pills) but she’s too worried to try any of them because she doesn’t want to be institutionalized. As she considers this, she gets hit by a car. The chapter ends here. … OK, I know it’s only one chapter, but I think that’s enough for now. This book is absurd. I know it’s supposed to be comedic. That’d be fine, if it was actually succeeding. Instead, it’s coming across as “sugar high preteen on the Internet” type humor. You know, the kind where blurting random words, spamming overused memes, and writing “100 things not to do in Wal-Mart” style fanfics is considered comedy gold? If you want to be taken seriously as an author, this isn’t the kind of impression you want to make. I don’t tend to be good about consistent updates, but I’ll do my best. If you like this liveblog (or don’t like it), please let me know. I’m still pretty new at this. Any advice is much appreciated.
Wait... All the time I assumed this was some sort of tongue-in-cheek story making fun of romance with a mentally deranged protagonist... Oh my. This is going to be good. Hot-Man Land. Pfffthahahahahaha...
Forgot to say: Great liveblog! Can't wait for more!
I was starting to worry that there was a spork drought. Congratulations on being at least a mirage in a vast desert.
Thanks. :) I'll try not to take too long to update.
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