Third Time Is Not the Charm! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!
Finale: Now the Final Bullshittery
At long last. After a total of twenty-eight installments and fifty-six
chapters filled with nothing but torture, bullshit, tracts, stupidity, sexism, tracts, Gorn, contradicting lessons, tracts, insulting damn near everyone, growing insane, and tracts, we have finally reached the epic conclusion.
And hoo-boy, this is gonna be a big one. We're going to cover not one, not two, but three
chapters. All of them are pretty short, so...
I would like to thank everyone for following me on this difficult liveblog. Come the next time I do a liveblog, which will be...I don't know when, I might focus on my neglected stuff when I find the inspiration. Or do a new one. Who knows?
Anyway. Like I always say on Rika Liveblogs
, we started this party; now, we're shutting it down!
Previously, the group meets the story Strawman Representation of yours truly. I actually do not get killed off in a Curb Stomp Battle, instead putting up one hell of a fight. Which is actually appreciated.
So let's begin to conclude the WTF-inducing tale of badness with...
Jerry prepares to fight his next opponent, despite Clarisse begging him not to do it. He faces Books, who is described as being bigger than Prayer Warriors!Rika and writes stuff about how Thomas contradicts himself and steals from My Immortal
, which the author himself is quick to say that he does not.
Jerry tells Books that his God will protect him in his time of need...and he seriously asks him, "where are your false gods now?". Uggggggh. Come to think of it, me using "Where is your God now?!" in that translation-chapter from the last installment? It seems almost pathetically prophetic.
Also, did you know that Stalin's demon-possessed by Satan? No? Well, you do now, because the author said so!
After this realization, what does Prayer Warriors!Books say?
"Laugh out loud."
Yes. That is seriously what Books is saying. Thomas doesn't even know the person who he's trying to "parody"; it's like the fanfic equivalent of Seltzer and Friedberg, if those two guys decided to be hateful and become pro-Christianity and anti-everything else.
So the battle begins. Like the incomprehensible last chapter, this duel is written in Babelfish/Sparty McFly-patened "Retardedese". Good news? It's brief. So I'll try to translate it as best as I can.
Books manages to disarm Jerry, I guess, which makes the Prayer Warrior quesiton himself. But it's very brief, as he finds the strength to slice off Books' head and place it onto a stake.
Anticlimatic as hell. The damning part is? Thus far, I'm the one who gets a better death scene. And all I did was liveblogging this shit.
Stalin is proud of what happened...but he then reveals that they will never beat Grover! Who, too, is demon-possessed! And him being cloned is the reason as to why he keeps being resurrected!
That...is a horrible reason. Then why do people like Annabeth and Clarisse come back? Are they
I would take a guess and say, "yeah, this is what happens when you try to leave the bodies to rot", but there's a better explanation to all of this: lazy writing.
Wait. Actually? That would make sense. And that would teach Jerry not to leave the bodies out to rot. At least Michael was smart
enough to burn the body of Dumbledore, as horrible as that entire scene was!
Jerry looks at the followers who changed sides and speaks to them. He asks them why they are following him, and he knows them, for they worship God. He also asks for their help, and thanks to the speech filled with the Power of "Love", they all turn against Stalin, prompting Claire to make an "All Your Base Are Belong to Us" reference.
Okay, everyone except Grover.
And now Jerry must face him.
Place your bets, what do you want to bet that Grover will die and come back yet again
The chapter ends with a few select prayers.
We get an Author's Note from Ebony, with her stating that most of the work is Thomas', and she only helped in cleaning up. Well, where was she when the last two battles were clusterfucky?
Anyway, back to the plot. Jerry prepares to fight against Grover. And we get the detail of his breath stinking like fish, so we know
that he's being possessed. Ew.
And how would anyone really know that he's possessed?
Jerry prays to God and Jesus for what he is about to do, stating that this isn't anyone's fault but Satan's. Oh, and he also wants them to spare Grover's life if he ends it. Um...yeah...
Stalin mocks Jerry, stating that his God will not help him. And so the battle begins, with Grover pulling out a club. Jerry knows that he must avoid getting clubbed at all costs, for he has work to still do.
Anyway, Grover clubs Jerry a few swings later, hitting the guy on his side. Jerry strikes back by eventually piercing his friend's chest with the sword after Grover misses hitting Jerry with the club—even making a small earthquake
Jerry tries to do the "I Know You're In There Somewhere" Fight, but Stalin insists that he must kill Grover before the "demon-possessed" warrior kills the Prayer Warrior. Eventually, Jerry stabs Grover in the throat...which I would imagine would behead him, but whatever. Grover dies and is buried because...he was, again, "demon-possessed" by Satan.
...that has got to be one of the dumbest fights I've ever read about. And liveblogged. But hey, maybe Jerry and his merry band of murderers will eventually realize that leaving bodies out to rot is practically not a good idea after all—
Oh, wait, they decide to leave the bodies of Prayer Warriors!Rika and Books (the latter of which is beheaded, mind you) out to rot. YOUR FUNERAL, DIPSHITS.
Actually, now I'm amused by the thought of the scientist deciding to clone Prayer Warriors!Rika, where he/she will wreak havoc onto the Prayer Warriors another day. Maybe that
will teach them not to leave bodies behind to rot.
If, considering how ungodly powerful Prayer Warriors!Rika is, they manage to survive his/her wrath. Now that would be a fun sequel to read.
Stalin disappears by using his Satanic magic. As soon as Grover's buried, the Prayer Warriors head back to the church in Moscow and plan to take Stalin Town. The story ends with, well, them doing that and also planning to rescue the Tsar and his family so that way Nicholas will rule as a Christian king.
DESPITE THE FUCKING FACT THAT NEARLY THE ENTIRE ROMANOV FAMILY WAS ASSASSINATED BY THE FUCKING BOLSHEVIKS. AND NICHOLAS HIMSELF ABDICATED A YEAR BEFORE HIS FUCKING DEATH!
Excuse me. I have a wall to demolish. (gleefully slams her head a few hundred times)
Okay. I'm better now. So will our "heroes" defeat Stalin? Will we get more cop-out deaths?
Because...it all ends now.
The chapter begins with Stalin having a really shitty day. Why? Because all of his henchmen are dead. Also, he's a shitload of dollars into debt. Why? Because he worshipped Satan.
Then Stalin has a good idea. He can make everyone believe in what they want. Yes, you read that right. This story's making Stalin (and, by extention, the henchmen, since they presumably believe in the same things as their leader) even more heroic than the actual "heroes" themselves!
But of course the Prayer Warriors aren't taking it at all well, because they find out about the plans in the newspaper. They gather up all the Christians and plan to attack Stalin at once. As they grab their axes (yes, axes
), Jerry makes a speech about how this battle will not be in vain, because—obviously—they'll win.
But hey, let's stop the plot and listen to what Ebony and Jerry have to say about...computer viruses. That don't exist in 1918 Russia.
Ebony realizes that all the stuff about hacking, cracking codes, and sending computer viruses and Trojans are all the stuff of Atheists. And you know what, I'm feeling my brain slipping out of my head, so I'll try to wrap this up as quickly as I can.
As soon as Jerry agrees with her and says more stupid shit, the Prayer Warriors head to Stalin Town and, of course, the man's headquarters. They find him...eating his cereal
? What. After taking out their own people (um...), the Prayer Warriors announce to Stalin that his time's up.
Stalin states that he was only trying to help. But guess what? That doesn't help him out at all. Jerry yells at him that he was only helping himself, and after calling him a very vile name, the Prayer Warriors shoot Stalin dead.
Yep. That's right. Stalin gets taken out like a damn punk. Hilariously, that makes him weaker than Books and, yes, Prayer Warriors!Rika.
After the very, very
anticlimatic battle, Jerry makes a final speech about, to sum up the crazy, how there are true Christians and anything else is wicked. And the story ends with the Prayer Warriors burning Stalin's area, the Tsar and his family presumably rescued, and Jerry and his friends making it back to their own time.
Well, I'm just winging it, as a true "final chapter" has yet to be written, but that's what I'm gathering since...really, there is not a whole lot to go on with.
But here's the thing. Since they pretty much stopped Communism/the Bolsheviks and restored the Tsar...they pretty much do realize that they're sending Russia on the fast track to Hell, right? I mean, yeah, I realize that Nicholas II isn't exactly perfect, but this falls under the same rules as Hitler's Time-Travel Exemption Act. What if, say, the plan did go off without a hitch? Sure, people would be saved, but the thing is, people in Russia will still have problems. The Tsar and his family weren't very popular for a reason, after all.
And the most important thing, as I've stated over and over? There is no fucking reason for the Prayer Warriors to go back in time and stop Stalin and Lenin, "preventing" Communism in the first fucking place.
The Soviet Union, and with it the Communist Party, dissolved in 1991, replacing it with a democractic body.
This is easily the dumbest story I've ever read.
And it manages to be even worse
than The Evil Gods: Part One
and Battle With the Witches combined!
If the baffling premise of them stopping Communism/the Bolsheviks wasn't bad enough, we got more of the same shit: gore, sexism (oh, dear God, the sexism), how great Christianity is and how awful the other religions are, the blatant history fails that even a five-year-old can point out, spelling errors, a few chapters so incomprehensible that it makes TimeCube look more, well, comprehensible by comparison, Take That strawmen and the awful ways that they died, and...author tracts.
Yes, there were actually a few good things about the story—I didn't mind the "portal created by God" thing too much, and the battle between Jerry and Prayer Warriors!Rika, again, was actually relatively decent, despite the fact that that chapter was a Mind Screw
to go through.
But in the end? This story made me so furious. Thomas Brown, I hope that you have cleaned up your act and proved it in The Evil Gods: Part Two
, because, so help me, God, if I have to liveblog another one of your stories again
There. Will. Be. No. Mercy.
At least...thank God that this is the last that I'll have to deal with—
(Suddenly, Prayer Warriors!Rika.)
...who the hell are you? And why are you in my liveblog?
: I am you!
Wait, how'd you know who I am?
: Because we share the same name!
O...kay...how'd you get into my liveblog, and why are you here?
: A demon-possessed scientist created a portal, so I had to go through!
...for fuck's sake, why is it always the portals? I should have it checked out...
: But wait, there's MOOOOORE! I'm here to tell you to be free to believe whatever you want!
Say, since you're somehow back to life, how's about you do a little favor? I saw your strength, and I must request one thing.
Curb-stomp all of the Prayer Warriors, since they're fucking murderers. Show no mercy. And tell everyone to not act like a bunch of savage animals but actual human beings. Tell them about how we're supposed to love one another, whether straight, gay, or bisexual. Gender, religion, and race do not play a factor to love and friendship. Everyone is equal.
: Sounds...like the sort of thing that Stalin was trying to do. Very admirable. Of course, it'll cost you. Allow me to think of a payment...!
(then, using his magic, Prayer Warriors!Rika quickly fattens me up, making me a gigantic blob)
: Hey, I had to think of something! And your wish is my command, see ya~!
(with an Evil Laugh
, Prayer Warriors!Rika heads back and pretty much offs the Prayer Warriors offscreen)
This is the weirdest ending ever. But...(sighs in bliss) At least it's ending happily. And I never have to liveblog another one of the Prayer Warriors stories ever again.
This has been Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism
! Until next time, see ya!
...oh, crap, I broke a roof. Oh, well.
(sighs happily as I try to put out all three stories out of my mind)