Third Time Is Not the Charm! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!
Part 5: More Fun with History Fails!
Previously, well...let this sum it up. Gore, gore! Tracts, bullshit, gore!
Let's go on with...
Thomas decides to become Believer in Christ again, and this makes Jesus happy. NEXT!
In Moscow, Percy meets up with the chruch leaders. Apparentally, John Lennon created a coliseum in order for good Christian men to be killed for entertainment. Um...I'm 100% sure that Vladimir Lenin didn't even create such a thing.
But that little history fail, like all others, isn't going to deter Thomas—er, Percy—to tell the church leaders about how evil
the coliseum is. So here's the speech, with the paragraphs summarized.
Percy: "To those of Moscow, do not fear for your life, for God and his eternal son will punish these demons known as John Lennon, the satanic leader of the Soviet Russian Empire, who allows atheistic rites such as teaching the false lie that, is Evolution and worship of the Roman Gods: Jupiter, Venus, Pan, Mars, Hades, and Hercules, which are false beings that have been created by Satan to betray us to the depths of Hell. I will lead a revolt against this evil man, so that every good Christian man can worship our lord Jesus Christ freely without any atheists telling us that we cannot. We will bring back religion into the government, where only good Christian men can be elected into government, and into our Schools where we allow people to pray again like they should be allowed."
Okay, Lennon did not teach Evolution. He's one of those "love one another"-type people from The Beatles. (Another such example? The late, great George Harrison.) Also, Hades is not a Roman God. It's Pluto. And I'm kinda sure that Hercules is only a demigod.
Percy: "The first thing I will stop is this Coliseum, where good Christian men are forced to fight against each other to their deaths. This is the influence of the false Roman Gods, who want to make the world return back to the old roman times before it became Christian. For many hundreds years good Christian men are forced to fight against each other to their deaths much like they are forced to do here in Moscow. When the Roman Empire became the Holy Roman Empire, they banned all Coliseum games, and instead made people worship our lord Jesus Christ instead. Likewise, when Russia returns to being ruled by the Tsar, these evil games will be stopped, much like the Holy Roman Empire."
Russia is never going to be ruled by the Tsar again. If you tried that, you'd set history back a few hundred years! And how would the coliseum events be moved to Moscow, Russia, anyway?
Percy: "Has these evil men ever heard of the law: 'Do not kill'? Good Christian men should not kill other good Christian men because it is a sin, and killing Christians will send people to hell, no matter who they are. Although killing an Atheist is okay, that is because they are not really men, but demons. We will get rid of the Coliseum and force the Atheists to fight against each other to their deaths, so that we can punish these evils things and finally get rid of them once and for. They will learn what it is really like to be forced to fight against each other to their deaths, even against friends and families. And we will be pleased and be rewarded by being sent to heaven and spending time with our Lord Jesus Christ."
Wow, dude, hypocritical much? Have you
ever heard of the law: "thou shalt not kill"? Maybe it would take for you to be thrown into the Coliseum and fight against your fellow friends to realize how precious that rule is.
But then again, you'd forget about it.
These people don't really care for anyone except for other Christians. And I'd imagine them to eventually be sick and tired of those Knight Templar morons.
Percy: "I, Percy Jackson, along with my followers, Grover and Michael, who help me very much in converting many people to the way of our lord Jesus Christ and his eternal father lord God, we will help you in the fight to get rid of John Lennon and his followers, and bring back the old traditions of worshiping the one and only true God and his eternal son our lord Jesus Christ of Narrative. I will get my followers to organise the churches around Moscow, so that on the Fourth of July we will up-rise against the evil men in control of this country and bring it back to the way it was before.
"For in the days of the kings, and evil witched ruled Israel, making people worship the false god Zeus. After Elijah inspired the Jewish people to up rise, the evil witch was killed and had her body drag across the country, to show every why you should not force people to worship false gods. Like what Elijah did, I will do also, by dragging the body of John Lennon across the country of Moscow to show every why Ego vere fidelis in cuniculis. And then we will celebrate and kick any Atheists out of Moscow and send them to Suburbia."
...yeah...this...my sarcasm...words failing me.
The chapter ends with a leader saying the exact same fucking speech Jerry himself gave out in the first chapter of The Evil Gods: Part Fucking One.
Thomas and Jesus speak a bit until they're interrupted by BooksObsesserNumberOne. Or a poor carichature of said reviewer. Who the hell is Books, you ask? She will be "important" to the plot later on, spoiler alert, and by "important", I mean "getting curb-stomped".
Otherwise, Books was a staunch fighter against the Prayer Warriors
series, much like Idiosy and Benry with their stuff. And me with my liveblogs. Why did I mention myself? You'll see why in a few more installments.
Anyway, back to the "plot". Jerry, Annabeth, and Grover—wait, how the shit did he get revived?! I told you about his revival shtick, I told ya, dog!—go undercover in order to defeat Lenin. Then the group of morons shout about how awesome they—and Christianity—are. In front of the police.
Oh, and did I mention that Annabeth's statement was lifted wholesale from Clarisse's speech? This isn't cute at all, Thomas, it makes you look one thing: lazy!
The police actually do manage to catch on, but most of them get killed before they kill the "heroes". Though they actually do manage to capture Annabeth. Shocker. Jerry and Grover head to where Michael is located, and they tell him the problem.
Michael thinks that Annabeth will be able to fight in the coliseum on that very night, but one problem. She can't fight. Even if she does pray. Give women some strengths, Thomas! You did show some female Warriors fighting before, why not Annabeth? But...of course they decide to rescue her before the fight begins, and so the story ends with...them reading the Bible before leaving to the northern section of Moscow. Why? So that God can give them answers!
...ugh. At least? We're halfway done! Will the group manage to save Annabeth? Will Lenin be defeated? And will I regain my sarcasm?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!