Third Time Is Not the Charm! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!
Part 4: Probably One of the Shortest Installments Ever
Previously, the first group of Prayer Warriors headed to 1918 Russia. And much asskicking, as anticlimatic as that was, ensued. Also, Grover died, but will he return? Probably.
Let's continue on with...
This story is in Danish, but luckily I managed to translate it pretty well. Even though I used a translating feature on my laptop.
...believe it or not, this story adds nothing
. Absolutely nothing. It's just Percy bullshitting around. And since there are tons
of that, no, unfortunately, I'm not recapping it.
...wait. He just said the Ten Commandments. All of which, or some of which, the Prayer Warriors themselves have broken.
MOST HYPOCRITICAL CHAPTER EVER.
Well, that was a waste of time, let's move right along with...
Now it's time for some chatting with Jesus!
Jesus Christ: You spoke Danish very well last chapter, my son. You will be rewarded with a eternal life in even with me.
Thomas Brown: Tak meget.
Jesus Christ: What else do you demand of your devoted readers?
Thomas Brown: To write positive reviews for this great fan-fiction. I only will stop writing this holy story when I know that it is working that I am concerting good Christian men to my cause.
Jesus Christy: I will make that this happens my son. You are the best writer since William Shakes pear.
Thomas Brown: I am glad you think so. Amen and amen.
First off, how do you know that he isn't using a translator? Secondly, isn't Danish a Satanic language according to you, since, you know, it's not fucking Latin? Thirdly, you'll only stop writing if it works with the whole conversion bullshit. That is a very, very bold claim.
Because you are too extreme for those who...you know...either did convert (though not because of the story) or...bleh.
But the worst part is? Thomas' Jesus compared this asshole writer to a good, legendary playwright.
William Shakespeare would be turning in his grave by now. That's just as stupid as...anything else. It's like if Jesus came down to me and compared my analyzing skills to [NAME REDACTED, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT, SHE'S A FUCKING AWESOME
PROFILER FROM THE FBI]. It would not make any sense.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes.
Annabeth, Jerry, and Michael head off into Russia an hour after Percy and his fighters did. Jerry prays to God for help, and he and later Michael recap their ventures. And yes, we do get a correction: Michael did defeat Hogwarts. But the question is this...he says that he was the one who knocked Dumbledore. Why did he not mention the guy who really did it? Glory-stealing asshat.
Jerry thanks Michael for the prayer, and he says that they will go out and kill the Satanic Communists. And apparentally, the Tsar, Nicholas II, is a good Christian man who wouldn't harm a single soul.
...um...look. Yeah, I realize that Nicholas II and his family were nothing but very flawed rulers. However. At this point in time, the Romanovs, most of them, were murdered.
Hell, Nicholas couldn't even be considered a Tsar, since he abdicated a few years before his death! Once again, how many classes in History did you fall asleep in?
After Annabeth prays to God for their victory, they head in and do what they do best: slaughtering Satanists. And someone's little toad, too. But one "Satanist" they actually do manage to spare, and he gets away with blinding and having his arms and feet cut off.
Jerry, buddy. Isn't that a bit harsh to nearly off someone and then decide to...spare his life? Letting to live in agony for the rest of his life?
Oh, and they managed to rescue a female Prayer Warrior out of the clusterfuck. Who managed to be saved? Clarisse La Rue! Who...apparentally didn't die after all!
Then what the fuck was up with the second introduction stating that she died?!
Either way, after the battle, Michael and Jerry prayed, killed a lamb, and read the Book of Judges, the final task as stated by God. Soon after, Clarisse speaks up, stating that she's a good, honest woman, but the one thing she didn't get to do? Become baptized. And so Jerry decides to do it, for Michael sure as hell probably wouldn't do that (especially considering the way he treated poor Hermione). And she becomes Clarisse of Christ.
And she states more sexist stuff, the likes of which even Power Rangers Samurai
would shake its head at. About how she will now follow the men's every order, and she has to walk one foot behind them. Also, it's an offense for a woman to go suck a thigh. Seriously.
(insert your own sex reference here)
The story ends with Jerry's group trying to find Percy's group.
Thus ends the installment. Will the two groups meet? Will more sexist shit pop up? And will they beat Lenin?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!