Third Time Is Not the Charm! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!
Part 3: Gorn and Sexism!
Welcome back, kids.
Previously, well...Michael and Ebony saved Jerry, Percy, and their friends from the prison (or, really, it's supposed to be vice-versa, but everyone and their dog knows how inconsistent the story is). As more tracts are told, they decide to go to 1918 Russia and stop Vladimir Lenin.
...or, as the story says, John Lennon.
Let's continue the clusterfuck with...
Author's Note, blah blah blah, bad reviews = going to Hell. And here's an interesting tidbit: this fanfic has converted over nine thousand Christians to his cause. And for all those who can't do it, he politely tells us to beat it.
There are not enough overused Dragonball Z
nor decent Michael Jackson jokes to cover...that.
After saving their friends, Percy, Ebony, and Grover decide to go through a portal. That God made for them. You know what? I honestly don't mind this reasoning. After all, at times, portals are created via some unknown origin. Even I dabbled into "using portals in order to go home". So it's not that bad.
Watch as this praise gets blown away.
Percy prays for God, thanking Him for giving them the portal. And they pray for a third victory, also giving us a recap. Allow me to give you guys said recap In the Style of...
cheesy movie previews.
In a World where Satanists run amok, there is but one group of "heroes" that can stop them: The Prayer Warriors! In "The Evil Gods Part One", they converted Percy to Catholicism and defeated the evil Greek Gods. In "Battle With the Witches", Percy defeated Hogwarts and its greatest, Satanic champion, Harry Potter—even though it was both God Himself and Michael who did the work, so why the fuck would Percy even get praises? Now, in this badfic, our "heroes" must stop John Lennon, as according to the author, he was the leader of 1918 Russia, from taking over the land with the Communist Party.
You're invited to some Author Tracts, Curb Stomp Battles, and all-around unpleasantness. This summer, watch the horror for yourself. In. "The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism."
Not made for humanity.
Anyway...whew. Ebony loves the speech, and she thinks that God will give them a third victory for certain. After all, he died on the corpse (ewww!) for them...and...oh, really? We're really going to go there?
Yep, they are! She says that she'll follow the guys a few steps behind them! Why? Because men are fucking superior to women, and the latter's only purpose is to serve man and never question them! And men are created first, and women are only created for pleasure!
WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?!
...let's move on before someone gets hurt.
Grover, of course, loves the speech, and he says that he'll follow wherever Percy goes. Why? Because the two are friends. Nice and all. But then he says that he was the first person to convert to Christianity after he did.
How did you convert to Christianity when you were already dead a million times over? Just...what?
Oh, and at one point in his life? He was lost, as he practiced bestiality (yes) and fucked a hundred whores a night. At one point, he wanted to kill himself (again, why kill yourself when you're already dead?!); but ever since seeing Percy converting to Catholicism, he did the same thing. Somehow. Despite being in Hell for the longest time.
I have no justifications for this.
Percy ends it all with a speech. Using how Moses managed to lead his people to the Promised Land as an example—oh, wait, apparentally there was a huge battle—anyway, Percy uses that as an example to say what he wants to say.
Percy: "I have courage and that means that we will win this battle. Do not lose hope, like all the nonbelievers out there, for they deny God, and worshiper Satan and a beastly whore Artois. We must be fuel of courage. That way we will be able to defeat those without courage, such as the evil Romans Gods, that once reign across the Roman Empire, but Constantine was able to defeat the evil Gods and made Jesus in rule of all of time! Once we have done that, than we can work onto the false evil cultic gods. Mane."
Yeah, apparentally, anyone who doesn't believe in the Christian God are automatically assumed to lose hope. Oh, and once they're done saving Russia from the Bolsheviks (um...again, the Communist Party dissolved in the early 1990s, you idiot! There is no need for them to go back in time!), they must defeat the Roman Gods next. And the Celtic Gods will be on the list.
Oh, and did you know that the Roman Gods were beaten by Constantine, who made Jesus rule for all time? No? Well, you do now, because the author said so!
The story ends with the group finally finishing their walk, arriving in 1918 Russia. Be prepared for a shitload more history errors, kids! And good-old-fashioned Gorn
, though it's likely the kind that'll sicken even the gorehounds.
Blah blah blah, don't like, don't read/review. NEXT!
After arriving, Percy, Grover, and Ebony see Satanics doing...well, obviously Satanic ways. Who wrote this crap? However, the story wastes no time in describing the messy, messy ways the Satanists die, as we get a lovely description of Percy spearing and beheading a soldier.
"Percy Jackson now wounded him in the eye under his eyebrows, tearing the eye-ball from its socket: the spear went right through the eye into the nape of the neck, and he fell, stretching out both hands before him. Percy Jackson then drew his sword and struck him on the neck, so that both head and helmet went tumbling down to the ground with the spear still sticking in the eye; he then held up the head, as though it had been a poppy-head, and showed it to the satanic scum, boasting over them as he did so."
Not graphic enough? But wait, there's more! After Percy delivers a speech on how he and his friends will show the Satanists the true way of God and Jesus Christ...okay, wait. This must be repeated. God and Jesus would have been royally upset that these...fucking people are killing in their name. In recent times, no less! Oh, and his fighting skills, which were already powerful to begin with? They were given by God himself.
Also, we get an obligatory "Where is your God(s) now?" reference. Have I mentioned how dated this guy is? The first time I liveblogged Thomas' works, I called his stuff "Chuck Austen meets Chick Tracts". Looking at the stories now, I can officially say that he fits neither of the two men. Yes, they have their infamous moments, but Thomas took all of those up to eleven, adding with his own brand of Seltzer and Friedberg-styled "references".
Anyway, speaking of, it seems that God has heard what I said about those assholes being nothing more than murderers, as a jagged rock hits Grover. Oh, wait, no, it's a random soldier. And how did Grover die? After the rock shatters his bones and tendons, the soldier swooped up and gutted him, and yes, the bowels and all those wonderful organs spill out of the guy.
Damn, and I thought his first death in The Evil Gods Part One
was graphic enough.
Percy sees the murderer and stabs him in the chest, puncturing his lungs. In order to finish the soldier off, he stabs him in the stomach. Oh, and he doesn't take any of the armor. Why? Only because the other Satanic soldiers, whose hair are said to be worn in a Satanic manner (how?!), show up and protect the body.
So there are two who fell: Grover and the nameless soldier. By the way? Don't expect Grover's death to be permanent. Just like in The Evil Gods Part One
, he'll come back and die every time.
Suddenly, Satanic scum, likely hundreds of them. But don't worry, despite the fact that they're said to be strong, Percy and his army slaughter them all, anyway. "Strong Satanists", my ass. Oh, and all those bodies will rot, because they're Satanists and don't deserve to be buried.
And so, Percy says a speech, stating that he has come to rid Russia of evil. Oh, and the Bolsheviks have strict rules such as giving up some of the food. Wait...wait just a damn fucking minute.
(reads the entire speech)
The first paragraph is a rehash of the speech Jerry delivered in The Evil Gods Part One
! I stated how it didn't make any sense then. Here, in this context, it makes even less sense. I'm pretty sure that the Bolsheviks/Communist Party did not, in any way, make people give up their food. And force them to leave their homes.
For fuck's sake, Thomas, actually bother to do the research before you go and do this shit!
But wait, there's more! Percy goes on to say that they will rid Russia's evils and cleanse it like they did in the United...Satan's
of America? Well, shit! That explains it all! I actually, honestly believe that these fuckers are really Satanists in disguise, and they're killing people like you and me, which brings a shitload of Fridge Horror thanks to the Alternate Character Interpretation.
Anyway...the second paragraph goes on to say that once Russia's free, her people can worship Jesus Christ freely. And by "freely", that means making people pray in schools, the Ten Commandments will be beaten over the head in forever, and everyone will worship God.
...and this is where things get even shittier. It's time to play "Guess What's Wrong with This Fucking Scene."
Percy: "I will also put the women in their place. For too long have they demanded equality? This equality will only lead to the destruction of our democratic world. This is a man's world, and it should stay as such. I will make left wing politics punishable by death. For too long have we had communist running around spreading lies. I will stop that immediately. Conservatism is the only way to god. Amen!"
Yes. Because we ladies want equality, we're pretty much out to destroy the world. Does the fucker even know that there are some Democratic women who did try to run for President (oh hai, Hillary Clinton)? And does he even know that equality is a good thing? But noooooooooo. We have to be put in our place. And...I believe I know just how the Prayer Fuckers will go about it.
Rant at people, call them slanderous names, threaten to kill them, and beat the shit out of them. And make sure that they are lesser than men.
And yes, I do believe that it would be fitting for their M.O. Considering that this author praised Mel Gibson and THAT AWFUL, DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A FUCKING HUMAN BEING
in the first story...
Also, left-wing practices will be punishable by death. Hi, Disproportionate Retribution!
The story ends with the crowd cheering for Percy, as he prepares to defeat John Lennon. And no, Thomas, he isn't the leader of 1918 Russia/the Bolsheviks. Again, that's Vladimir Lenin.
So ends another installment. Will the group defeat John Lennon? Will we get more antics in misogyny? And how many more copypasted shit will we find?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!