Third Time Is Not the Charm! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!


Part 2: Dreaming of Oddities

Welcome back.

Previously on the Super-Mega-Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot of an introduction, Lenin (fuck calling him "Lennon", I like things to be a tad more accurate) calls for the execution of Christians. But the Prayer Warriors start to arrive, with Clarisse killing those Satanists before she somehow gets killed herself.

Let's continue with...

Chapter 3

Tomas: Am I being saved by writing this fan-fiction?
Jesus Christ: Yes son, you be saved. Well done for doing the good work for me. You will be rewarded.
Toms: I am glad that will happen.
Jesus Christ: And is there any more news?
Tomas: Yes. My brother tried to kill himself last night. But he is now going to get help to cure him.

...I got nothing.

Percy introduces himself and recaps everything that happened to him. If we missed his fate two freaking liveblogs/stories ago. And we get him preaching in Chicago, Illinois, when all of a sudden, he has a vision!

What does the vision contain? A city in freaking Heaven. Try wrapping your head around that one. I understand that there may be sections depending on one's personal Heaven, like pet Heaven and stuff like that. But a city in Heaven?

Oh, and as for Olympius? As in Mount Olympius? Some-fucking-how, it was burned to the ground. I can understand the temples being burned, but Mount Olympius is not the same thing! Oh, and the men were murdered and the women were turned to slavery.

...delightful. Actually, this raises one question. Does the slavery thing make them just as bad as our supposed "villains"? The answer: yes. Yes, it fucking does.

Jesus tells Percy that Michael has succeeded in bringing Hogwarts to the ground. But there's bad news: he and Ebony are captured! By...ugh...the Russians.

Actually, that does bring up a question. How the hell would the Bolsheviks go forward in time, capture Michael and Ebony, and then head back? Unless if the Russians captured them in the present time, which means them going back in time is extremely pointless as hell. Because there would be so many things wrong with this situation that it's impossible to list all of them.

Percy asks Jesus if he can save them, and he replies, simply put, that he, Jerry, and their friends must go back in time to 1918 Russia. Or, as they say, "the Russia Empire".

Russia was never a fucking empire! Yes, it used to be known as the U.S.S.R, or the Soviet Union, until the early 1990s, but...

Actually, you know what? You know fucking what? Because the Bolsheviks/Communist Party had the Soviet Union dissolved in the early 1990s, that makes the entire fucking story...(ding ding!) Completely pointless!

But...that doesn't stop Percy, as he accepts the mission. Thomas, how many classes of World History did you sleep through?

And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels.-Revelation 12:7

Percy wakes up and boards a plane to Russia. With him are Annabeth and a hornless (seriously) Grover. From there, Jerry (who somehow shows up) drives them to Moscow, where the Bolsheviks/Russians held Michael and Ebony. And wouldn't you know it, he has a plan to get them out!

The chapter ends with him reassuring everyone that God and Jesus will help them...and the Author's Note spoils what will happen next chapter.

...and he wants us sinners to hope and pray that God will have mercy on us.

So let's move on with...

Chapter 4

Another chapter, another Author's Rant. This time, Thomas states how Hitler is an authoritarian. Why? Because he sent Christian men to their deaths!

...yeah, I'm convinced that he slept through so many History classes. Everyone and their dog knows what, exactly, Hitler is infamous for.

And blah blah blah, the government is Satanic, can't be trusted, Obama's a Muslim and sends Christian men to their deaths, who gives a rat's ass?

Good God, dude, do you realize that wars happen when we fight for our freedom? And America is a country filled with freedom? I reckon that you won't last a minute on any other country.

Anyway. The group prays again for them to save their friends from prison. The plan? Jerry will send Ebony dressed like a slut, and Michael will rescue their friends.

Wait, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Michael and Ebony were captured! How the fuck would they help in...gah.

So...somehow, Ebony is dressed in a provocative dress, which is a-OK because Jesus says so!

Oh, and she's married to Michael.


That means that Ebony, Hermione, Draco, and Michael are all married! That's bigamy!

Ebony tries to seduce the guards, but she manages to slice their throats and not only kick them in the groin, but rips them out! Oh, God, ew. But then, enter Benry, TheBratMan, one of many who said bad things to Thomas.

So what kinds of "fun" Take That!-induced deaths will Benry suffer in this story?

  1. He gets punched in the stomach; he tries to hit back, but his strength is laughable.
  2. His heart gets the stabby-stabby treatment via sword.
  3. His eyes get pulled out.
  4. His throat gets cut.
  5. Once dead, his body gets pissed on. Yes, that is back.
  6. Mutilated, so it goes.
  7. ???
  8. Profit!

Sans the final two steps, yes, this is what he suffers from. And we don't know, exactly, who really administers it.

And so the chapter ends with Michael freeing Percy from his prison (um, Percy wasn't even in prison to begin with!), and the group returns to the hotel room, where they read the Bible.

Thus ends the second installment. Will they manage to save Russia from Communism? Will they realize how fucking pointless this plotline is? And how would they go back in time, anyway?

Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism!