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Chapter 3: Anticlimactically Curbstomping in the Night
We were at my new house.Iíve already made an Old Spice joke, so Iíll instead just say that this author is terrible at transitions. Kasumi asks Kakashi if he understands why she doesnít want to be a ninja, and he responds in the affirmative. He then asks what she plans to do to teach Shikamaru to duel. This is a valid question; sheís 10 and has only dueled once. Kasumiís response is to pop another deck of cards out of her Duel Disk, and when Kakashi asks about it, she says it is for Duel Puzzles. Puzzles that revolve around knowing the rules of the game and individual card effects in order to solve them... being used as introductions to duels. Sure, why not. ďHere, Shikamaru, solve this puzzle!Ē ďWait, are you serious? What about the rules, you never explained tho-Ē ďWHO CARES JUST DO IT.Ē Kakashi then asks out of the blue if she intends to duel in front of a large crowd if there is a duel the next day. This would be a valid question if she was teaching Shikamaru through actual dueling, but sheís not. What is she going to do, have Shikamaru think for a few minutes on stage then solve the puzzles in a few seconds? Kasumi responds that she would love to do that, since Duelists like the attention. This is probably a Hand Wave for why Kasumi showed no apprehension towards dueling in a huge stadium, but thatís really kind of a dumb one. So, what, the first time someone picks up a deck of Duel Monsters cards, they instantly become showy and over-the-top? Admittedly, it would be more amusing if Yu-Gi-Oh was a World of Ham, but the point is that itís not. Kakashi tucks Kasumi in, and she thanks him for adopting her, but he says that it might not last, since people from her family might still be alive. Kasumi then falls asleep remarkably easily, considering how much angsting sheís done over the day.
I was awoken brutally by the sunshine the next day. I reached up and muttered "Ever thought of blinds?"Itís funny because sheís a spoiled brat! Kakashi is still asleep, so Kasumi quietly gets her stuff, thinking of new strategies for a duel if she does duel again. Honey, if youíre dueling again, it wonít be for a long while, since youíre currently the only person in the village that knows how to duel. Kakashi wakes up eventually, and the two head out to the Training Ground to meet the Genin, but Kakashi gets lost on the way. When the two finally arrive, Naruto speaks up:
"You two late!"NARUTO ANGRY, NARUTO SMASH! BELIEVE IT! Kakashi apologizes, saying that he got lost walking the path of life. Ah, so his getting lost is to explain why heís always late. Yeah, thatís bullshit and is directly contradicted by events shown in the series. But anyways, Kakashi tells Kasumi to take a spot in the shade, since the test wonít take long. He then explains to the Genin that their test is to grab some bells from him, saying they need to work as a team. Those that get a bell pass, and those that donít are tied to a pole and go without lunch. All throughout this, Kasumi says and thinks things that only serve to reiterate exactly whatever Kakashi just said. Sasuke and Sakura go into hiding, but Naruto stays right in front of Kakashi. Naruto being himself, he challenges Kakashi to fight him there and then before lunging at him with a kunai. Kakashi catches the knife and tells Naruto that he never said to start, which he says shortly after. Naruto throws a punch, which Kakashi catches while simultaneously reading a book. Kasumi notices the book is for mature audiences, dissuading her from wanting to see what it is. Naruto goes for another punch, but Kakashi gets behind him and performs One Thousand Years of Pain on Naruto. Kasumi describes the result as hilarious, as Naruto goes flying, but the fact that she recounts the events in the dullest way possible takes away from that more than a bit. Kasumi then gives Naruto a look of disappointment because she could apparently do so much better (I wouldnít doubt it, with how oh so special she is), but Naruto then charges at Kakashi again, this time performing Shadow Clone Jutsu beforehand. Itís more than a bit strange that Kasumi knows exactly what this is, since she shows no reaction to it and doesnít even bother describing it* . Kakashi defeats the clones with ease (thatís seriously all the narrative says; it does not describe how at all), then he ties Naruto to the pole. Kasumi then mocks Naruto for how badly he sucks, which Iím sure is going to be a recurring thing. In fact, here, she reminds me of the dog from Duck Hunt: a completely irrelevant third party to the events at hand which mocks you for your failure regardless. Naruto pleads with her to get him down, but she refuses since she has better things to do. Like sit there and do nothing, I suppose. She does bring up the legitimate point of getting in trouble if she did so (rather, it would be if the author ever allowed her to be punished), but then why bring up the first point at all? Winged Kuriboh appears for the sake of having it appear, then directs Kasumiís attention to Kakashi being impaled by multiple shuriken. Before she has more time to angst about how her family is dead, though, Kakashiís body just turns out to be a log. The real Kakashi then appears behind her and scares her half to death. Yes, because someone appearing behind you is much scarier than the prospect of losing your adoptive father the day after losing your birth family. Kakashi then returns to the fight (it turns out Sasuke had thrown the projectiles), and the two exchange attacks before Kakashi disappears. However, he appears from underground quickly after and pulls Sasuke underground up to his head. Thereís not much to say here because itís basically exactly how it is in the series, with not even Kasumiís dumb asides breaking it up. Kakashi then uses a Genjutsu on Sakura, who was searching for Sasuke, so that she sees a bloody and dying Sasuke before her. She then screams and faints, as does Kasumi, who somehow also sees it. Okay then. Sheís only out for a second, however, as Kakashi splashes her with some water he pulled from somewhere somehow donít question it. I guess Kasumiís fainting was supposed to be humorous? Aha, itís funny because a 10-year-old girl is seeing people die? The Genin are all thoroughly indisposed by this point, so Kakashi reiterates why they suck, talking about their focus being misguided and how they lacked teamwork. Sakura counters that Kasumi also fell for the Genjutsu, despite not even being the target of it (somehow), and Kasumi responds by saying itís not her fault sheís particularly affected by Genjutsu. Um, yes it is, go train to resist it. Kasumi also says she agrees with Kakashi as if agreeing with him will make it so she cannot be blamed for anything ever. Sasuke asks what Kasumi knows about teamwork, and Kasumi says her parents taught her about it, which apparently makes her an expert on it, and she slaps Sasuke for asking a fully legitimate question. Sakura asks why she did that, which is also a legitimate question, and Kakashi says that he deserved it. How? He asked what she knew about teamwork, which is a legitimate if resentful question, since sheís a 10-year-old girl without the training they had, and he had no way of knowing about her parents. Kakashi elaborates that her parents and the other Signers helped save the world, so she knows a lot about teamwork because they taught it to her. Yep, Iím sure Sasuke remembers all the times megalomaniacal freaks threatened the Leaf Village with childrenís trading cards. After all, the Nine Tailed Fox was just looking for a good Duel Monsters player! Kakashi decides to give the Genin another shot and allows them to eat lunch first, but says that Naruto has to go hungry. After he disappears, Naruto tells Sasuke it must have been the first time he got slapped by a girl. Sakura tells him to shut it, but Sasuke admits he was in the wrong (somehow) because he was talking to her badly (not really). Kasumi adds that he reminds her of Jack before loudly declaring that she hates those types of people. What, The Rival? The only real similarity they share other than that is being a Jerk with a Heart of Gold, but even then they express it in completely different ways. Narutoís stomach then growls, and Sasuke convinces Sakura to give him some of her food. She does so, causing Kakashi to appear out of nowhere and scare the bejeezus out of them before declaring that they pass. This happened in the series, but itís really abrupt here because the author describes it in maybe as many words as I do. Apparently, if something doesnít directly correlate to Kasumi, it doesnít matter. Kakashi gives his spiel from the series about how teamwork is awesome and part of a ninjaís life and those that betray their teammates are lower than dirt. That metaphor loses its impact when you take out the other part of it , but the speech is not being given to Kasumi so the author clearly does not care. With this, Kakashi says that their missions will begin tomorrow.
"Yatta!" Naruto shoutedNever say that again. Kasumi releases Naruto upon Kakashiís request, then starts to leave to teach Shikamaru, inviting the Genin to come along and watch. She and Shikamaru both arrive on time, and as laws of drama dictate, somebody interrupts before they can actually start the lesson. Well, technically, a grappling hook does, then the person follows. The person turns out to be Divine, leader of the Arcadia Movement! What. As I said before, heís died. Twice. The author doesnít even try to explain this away; heís just alive because the author feels like it. Or something. Divine declares that he wants to take Kasumi home (what home, the charred pile of earth?) and take her under his wing, but Kasumi refuses because sheís not an idiot. Iím surprised Divine thought casually walking up and asking would work; he only approached Aki after she had been rejected by basically everybody she knew due to her psychic powers. In contrast, Kasumi had a loving family, and even after their deaths, thereís not really anybody that dislikes her (special and perfect and such). Divine moves to kill Kasumi, but Shikamaru ensnares him with his shadow. Divine then proposes that they settle this the duelist way, to which she agrees. Why agree to something like that? Itís not as if he poses a serious threat to her life, considering sheís surrounded by ninja relatives and friends that fawn over her. I guess because we needed some sort of childrenís card game this chapter, since there was none last chapter. Naruto shouts at her what a stupid move this is (itís a bad sign when Naruto is the one that has to tell you this), but she says she has to accept because itís rude to refuse a duel. Yes, it is important to be utterly kind and respectful to everyone, even the people who psychologically torture your mother and intend to do the same to you! When Shikamaru asks if sheís sure she wants to do this, Kasumi states that she does, because It's Personal. She declares that sheíll take him down since her mother failed to do so when she found out she was being used. Thatís because everyone was under the impression he was dead at that time; when he pops up again, Aki is kind of in the middle of a duel to save the world, and her opponent kills him again anyway. Divine repeats what was just said by asking if she wanted to do what her mother couldnít, to which she replies in the affirmative. Itís not that Aki couldnít do something about it; she just didnít know that she could do something about it because, again, everyone thought he was dead. The duel begins, and Divine insists that Kasumi go first since heís a gentleman. Dude, I think that delusion kind of faded after you died for the first time. Also, now may as well be as good a time as any to point out the naming inconsistencies: the author canít decide whether to use Divine (his original name, though itís spelled ĎDevineí here because the author canít spell) or Sayer (his dub name). When I first read this, I took that as some ray of hope that this was all a Troll Fic. Iím still desperately holding onto that hope, as futile as it is. Once the duel starts, Life Point counters appear... somewhere , and the ninja ask what Life Points are. The duelists explain, and Kasumi starts by summoning Cleric Mist. Naruto states that sheís hotter than Sakura, earning him a well-deserved punch to the head. I think this is supposed to be a reference to another fic of the authorís, where Mist somehow ends up in the Leaf Village and is paired up with Naruto. Kill me now. Divine insults the card by calling it weak, which is kind of dumb because duelists at his or Leoís level should realize itís more about the effect than the attack and defense values, but Mistís Life Point-increasing ability shuts him up. Shikamaru apparently realizes how the entire game works after one move, and he compliments it as a nice move. Must everything Kasumi does be complimented by someone somewhere? She sets two cards, then ends her turn. Divine starts by activating Teleport, which lets him pay 800 Life Points to special summon a Psychic monster from his hand once a turn if he has no monsters, but Kasumi does. He uses its effect to summon the Tuner Krebons, then explains that he still has another summon due to that being a Special Summon. Kasumi exposits about special and normal summons, then Divine normal summons Mind Protector. Naruto laughs about how weak it is, which is more in character for him than for Divine, but Divine proceeds to Synchro Summon Magical Android. Divine commands his monster to destroy Kasumiís.
"Oh-no!" Sakura shouted "Even with my Ninja skills, even I know that a five hundred defense can't survive against an attack of twenty four hundred!ĒApparently being a ninja entails being bad at math. However, Kasumi activates Scrap Iron Scarecrow, a trap card which can negate an attack, then is set into face down position again. Shikamaru helpfully exposits about the types of cards now, which would help the reader if not for the fact that there was already a duel in the story. Divine activates two copies of Hinotama, each of which do 500 damage to Kasumi. Whatís weird about this is that Sayer runs Psychic monsters, which for the most part do not focus on burn in the slightest. As she is hit by the sparks from the card, she doubles over in pain and says a dumb line about not playing with fire. She is surprised that she was actually hurt, and she says that Divine isnít a regular duelist. He confirms this, saying that he is a psychic duelist like her. I would be confused if he wasnít a psychic duelist, really, since he was the leader of a faction of psychic duelists. Divine ends his turn, and Magical Androidís effect activates, giving him 600 Life Points for each Psychic monster on his side of the field. Magical Android itself is Psychic, so he gets 600. As Kasumi starts her next turn, Kakashi warns her to be careful since he can now inflict real damage, as if he couldnít before, and doesnít want to lose her. She replies that sheís already won this duel, being as amazing as she is, and Cleric Mistís effect activates, restoring another 500 Life Points. Kasumi then thanks Divine for summoning a level 5 Synchro, since Aki told Kasumi all about how Divine could easily summon one. Kind of a random thing to talk about when speaking of the person who was your idol before having apparently used you all along, but okay. She then summons Copy Plant, which can copy the level of any monster on the field. It copies Magical Android, warranting more praise from Shikamaru for the sake of praise, then tunes Copy Plant to Mist to summon Black Rose Dragon. The Genin are shocked by the fact that she summoned a dragon, ignorant to the fact that there are a lot of dragons in this game that suck. This shocks Divine because this card was Akiís signature card (as if it needed to really be pointed out; they would both know it by then, and the others would have no idea who she is). Kasumi removes a plant monster (in this case, Copy Plant) from play to activate Black Rose Dragonís effect to reduce the attack of Magical Android to zero. She then activates Double Attack, so Magical Android is not destroyed by the first attack, but Black Rose Dragon gets to attack it twice. Divine has a standard Oh, Crap! reaction as his monster is attacked twice, the combined power of the attacks completely draining his Life Points and causing him to start bleeding badly. So, Kasumi not only defeats a professional duelist, but also the former head of an entire faction of duelists. She beats the former without taking damage, and the only damage she takes from the latter amounts to potshots. The Hokage appears from the void of not-where-Kasumi-is and asks what happened, saying Divine needs medical attention. Kasumi says he shouldnít have any, due to all heís done. I would protest this, but it really doesnít matter because heís supposed to be dead by now anyways.
Kakashi nodded "That's true ask my team of Genin I passed."I think this line is hilarious due to how out of place it is. ďOh, hey, Hokage. Did you know I actually passed Genin for once? Well, I did. How is that relevant? Oh, itís not, I just felt like bringing it up.Ē The Hokage believes them without a second thought or hearing any other opinions and orders some ANBU agents to execute him. He then notices Kasumiís burns and says she should get them checked out, but apparently her injuries do not matter in the slightest compared to her teaching Shikamaru Duel Monsters. Given how much he exposited throughout the duel, I donít feel that he needs any more of a lesson for now; just get the burns treated. Kasumi then begins the lesson with Shikamaru proper, explaining in depth how to Synchro Summon, and tells him about the lazy monsters for his convenience, whatever the hell those are. She has him do a few Duel Puzzles, when Kakashi pokes her on the shoulder where one of her burns is, causing her to recoil in pain. Well, thatís what you get for not getting the burns treated instantly. Kakashi tells her itís time to go home, and Kasumi assigns Shikamaru to do the remaining Duel Puzzles before they meet again. He complains that itís such a drag and wonders what heís gotten himself into. While that duel between Kasumi and Divine was a bastardization of the actual game, he apparently learned a lot about the game from it, so Iím not sure why he wouldnít back out then. While walking home, Kakashi randomly brings up that Orochimaru wants Kasumi because sheís a psychic duelist. Why? With the kind of stuff Orochimaru and other characters can do, is bringing childrenís trading cards to life really that magnificent? Kasumi asks about Orochimaru, causing Kakashi to exposit very briefly about his history and about how eeeeeevil he is. Kasumi then asks if Kakashi will desert her due to her power. I donít get this concern. In 5Dís, people rejected Aki for her power because it was strange and dangerous in the setting. In the setting of Naruto, the kinds of things monsters can do are no big deal. Regardless, Kakashi states that he wonít abandon her. He then inquires about what Aki planned to do about her power; Kasumi replies that she and Yusei planned to help her train her powers so they would not be a problem. Kakashi states that he will do all he can to help her train her powers. Yes, that will help so much considering your respective sources of energy are not similar in the slightest. Kasumi tearfully thanks him, then he puts her to bed, Kasumi thinking about how happy her family would be that Kakashi adopted her to close the chapter. For once, I have no end notes, so instead, just join me next time, for when Kasumi continues to screw with Naruto canon to prove how amazing she is!
Throughout this entire thing, I can so easily tell that the author is distilling every character down to being defined by their gag moments and catch phrases. I know because I did the same thing when I made my terrible, terrible, terrible Fire Emblem/Naruto crossover. It lasted two chapters before I pulled the plug. The thing is, I got better. In fact, I mostly abandoned a Subspace Emissary retelling fic in the planning phases because I just could not truly grasp the personalities of too many of the characters involved. Katsumi: "Divine? I thought you were killed!" Divine: "NOPE!" So that Divine duel. As the soldier said to the blacksmith who made him a Lance made out of Bread and Cushions, What's the bloody point?! She IS going to have a duel that actually challenges her, right? Right...?
@Emperordaein: Sooner than you think, thankfully.
Well... Technically he was brought back during the second death thanks to Reset Button.
Kasumi removes a plant monster (in this case, Copy Plant) from play to activate Black Rose Dragonís effect to reduce the attack of Magical Android to zero. Black Rose Dragon's secondary effect requires the other monster to be in defense mode for it to work because it has to change said monster into attack position, you can't do that to a monster already in attack position. Apparently the author knows nothing about the monsters she's using for this story. (TC)
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