Chapter 2: Kakashi Hatake Wonders Why He's in This Mess
Last time, on Kasumi: The Last Signer,
Kasumi started to show signs of being a Mary Sue. It’s so exciting, I know. This time, she shows more signs! Let’s get straight to it!
Chapter 2: Kakashi Hatake
The chapter starts summarizing exactly what happened in the end of the previous chapter, with Kasumi narrating that she was both psychic and a Signer, which doesn’t make sense, but I already rambled about that. I am now imagining what would happen if she recapped the prologue.
“I remember coming out of my mother’s uterus, for which I was very grateful; being inside my mother is very cold and dark and uninviting. I did not cry, for I never cry, being as perfect as I am-” Okay that’s enough of that.
Anyway, she then hears a knock on her bedroom door.
"You may come in" I said.
What does she think she is, royalty? “Oh, you may be graced by my presence.” Essentially gone is the brattiness I initially complained about; now she is far too composed, and her language far too formal to be anything resembling a preteen girl.
The person who knocked turns out to be Leo, who reluctantly enters.
"Never been in a girl's room before except for my sister's room" he admitted
...Are we supposed to think he’s a creeper
? Honestly, he keeps getting all these creepy lines which may have been innocent, or at least not horribly pedophiliac, if he was still 12. But he’s 10 years older than that now, a horrible decision on the author’s part considering the attempts to stay true to how he was as a 12-year-old boy.
This is a chapter about the little things, apparently, since I keep getting caught up on them. Leo then gives Kasumi a card, which turns out to be his signature card, Power Tool Dragon.
...I’m sorry, what.
Kasumi insists she shouldn’t (she really shouldn’t), but he says it’s fine because he conveniently found a second copy somewhere somehow now don’t question it. He then says she could get a better use out of the card than he ever could.
I think I need to go bang the stupidity of the very concept of that idea out of my head. Let’s ignore the fact that this is a girl brand new to dueling since apparently she’s super sexy awesome at it and nobody can ever beat her. She would never get a better use out of a card like Power Tool Dragon, because it’s centered entirely around equip cards, of which Kasumi only has maybe a few. Leo, in contrast, uses Morphtronics, an archetype that thrives on equip cards. But no, Kasumi is so special she can use any card better than anybody else ever could.
After learning it’s a second card, Kasumi accepts, putting the card in her deck. As a side note, she feels the need to point out Crow gave her the deck. Methinks the author’s favorite character is Crow. I would question why, but this is just a droplet of a problem among a river*
Luna then comes in as Leo is exiting and says that Kasumi should be proud to be a Signer.
I lied when I said Kasumi is no longer a brat, it’s just that the author doesn’t intend for her to be a brat. She whines some more about her parents being overly protective (which we thus far have not seen much, if at all
), to which Leo and Luna laugh in response.
Luna explains that they understand; Yusei and Aki were like parents to them, since their parents were never around. Did Luna just imply Aki gave birth while in kindergarten? Ewwww.
Luna then gives Kasumi Winged Kuriboh, its level 10 version, and the card to summon its level 10 version. Because... because.
Kasumi gleefully accepts, then exposits about the max deck size being 60 cards, and she now has 43. More on that later.
Luna gives Kasumi a kiss on the cheek, then she and Leo leave the room. Immediately after, Aki comes in.
Then my mother sat down next to me and saw me pressing my hand on my cheek "What happened to you?"
"Oh Aunt Ruka just kissed me on the cheek" I said.
So either Kasumi has a schoolgirl crush on her parents’ friend that is more than twice her age or has never been kissed before. They both have some sort of implications upon which I would rather not touch, so I’ll just leave that there.
Aki then gives Kasumi a ton of different cards
before revealing two copies of her own trump card, Black Rose Dragon, and giving one to Kasumi. How convenient.
And why all the gifts, anyway? It’s her birthday, sure, but wasn’t the deck really the only gift she needed/wanted? Maybe it’s to compensate for making her duel her first duel in front of thousands, Iunno.
Aki compliments her mess of a deck then says Crow has a card that he wants to give to her. Of course he does. Kasumi wonders what the card could be.
She got her answer when Crow came in
Didn’t edit this in the slightest; the first person really does slip this early in the story.
Crow actually has three cards to give to her, the first being a Synchro monster of his, Blackwing Armor Master. Of note is that he says he gives it to her as a Signer when Armor Master is not relevant to the Signers at all; it’s just part of the broken archetype introduced so Crow would be super amazing.
Kasumi objects, both because her deck is getting a bit oversized and because Armor Master needs a Blackwing Tuner to summon. Because Crow would totally be dumb enough to not realize that and that’s why he’s giving you 3 cards (admittedly, it would be funny if he was). For the other complaint, he says she should be thankful he’s the last one giving her cards.
Crow then gives her four other cards
, for a total of five. Hey, wait, that’s not three.
With her deck total now at 51, Kasumi says she wouldn’t want any more cards, and Crow tells her to change that attitude because Yusei wants to give her a Synchro monster. But you said- Crow, lying is a sin.
Playfully nudging me Uncle Crow left and my father sat down right next to me
HOLY SHIT YUSEI CAN TELEPORT
When Kasumi tells him that she can’t take any more cards, he agrees that having the maximum number of cards is bad, but one can have unlimited Synchros. Um, no you can’t,
the Extra Deck has a maximum of 15 cards, and that contains Synchros as well as Fusion and Xyz monsters.
After saying she shouldn’t hit the upper deck limit, Yusei proceeds to give her another card for her normal deck, because she needs it
to summon the Synchro
. If that’s the case, just give her a Synchro monster she can already summon.
She then thanks him, because she always liked Turbo Warrior. Admittedly, I do too, primarily because of dat pompadour.
Yusei then ponders what Jack is going to give her because apparently you can get as close to the upper deck limit as humanly possible as long as you don’t actually hit it. For the record, most higher level duelists keep as close to the minimum
The prospect of Jack actually being nice to Kasumi is too much for her to handle, for she jumps and becomes quite nervous. So, is he abusive, or is Kasumi just overreacting? Given Jack’s portrayal so far, I would not put either past the author. Yusei tells her that it’ll be fine, and as if on cue Jack enters.
Jack taunts Kasumi by jokingly asking if she’s scared of him, which is apparently so terrifying to Kasumi that Yusei makes Jack back off. Jack sighs because Yusei is now a fun-killing ass and tells Kasumi:
Don't fear me Kasumi…Look I know that you and I don't get along well, but I do care for you. I'll admit that that was out of my character to say that
Yes, Jack, teasing her about her being scared was going way too far, considering all you’ve done so far is tease her about other things and suggest she be shipped off to the Arcadia Movement! Shame on you for that!
Jack then tells Kasumi that he is going to give her two cards, a Tuner and a Synchro (in his own words, “a level 8 dragon Synchro”). Yusei is shocked and exclaims that Jack can’t be serious in giving her Red Dragon Archfiend
. I’m right there with Yusei, does Kasumi seriously need the signature card of every Signer (except Yusei and Luna, weirdly enough)? I’m sure the author is thinking right now, “She deserves all these cards for doing nothing because she’s just so PERFECT!”
The three present then have a confusing and awkwardly worded conversation that really only serves to reference when Jack used Yusei’s signature card, Stardust Dragon. Afterwards, Jack says that he, too, found a convenient second copy of Red Dragon Archfiend which came from Hammerspace
, and he is giving it to her so she can remember them in case they all die or something.
You’re going to do that through trading cards? Seriously? Can’t you just take a photo together? I would imagine the memento would be much more sentimental if she could actually see the faces of the deceased.
Also, the blatant case of foreshadowing reminds me. Wasn’t the discussion in what I presume to be the living room supposed to be the last time Kasumi saw any of them? Contradictions, contradictions everywhere.
Yusei calls Jack on how improbable them all suddenly keeling over is (he’s clearly never heard of bad foreshadowing/dramatic convenience), but Jack says to let Kasumi decide on whether she gets the card. She accepts it, if only to make herself even more special.
Jack also gives her Dark Resonator, a Tuner, as what seems to be an afterthought, and Yusei gives her Hyper Synchron because it powers up Dragon Synchros, of which she has two. I guess Yusei does not have access to hammerspace like everyone else, considering he does not give her his own dragon Synchro.
Jack calls Kasumi shortstock again, causing her to kick him, which he just laughs off because Jack Atlas laughs at the ineptitude of minors. He then tells her to come duel her when she has at least ten wins, because apparently this is one of the Yu-Gi-Oh video games. She could just duel some loser ten times, and that’d be that. He could arbitrarily say when she’s "better”, but oh no, Jack Atlas works in specific numbers. I can see it now.
“Uncle Jack, I got ten wins, let’s duel now.”
“Now now, Shortstock, Uncle Jack is drunk off his ass-”
And then Jack kills Kasumi in a drunken fit.
Wait, where was I? Anyway, Jack calls her shortstock again and exits, leaving Kasumi to ponder new strategies with her horrible, nonstrategic clusterfuck of a deck. 30 minutes later, she hears a “mir” sound. She looks around to find the source, only to see nobody in her room. I must restate that Yusei can teleport.
She shrugs off the sound and decides to go to sleep then, being woken up at some vague time in the night by the “mir” sound again. She puts on some clothes for some reason that I don’t know. It’s mentioned later that there’s a fire, but she doesn’t notice that until smelling smoke later. Is she going to pursue the sound? If so, why did she just go to sleep after hearing it the first time?
She apparently intends to duel the noise, because she makes sure she has her deck and duel disk, only then smelling the smoke. She hears the noise again, and Winged Kuriboh appears beside her. So not only does she need to have a monster spirit to be special like Jaden
, but she needs to have the exact same spirit as him? Sure, why not.
Kasumi then attempts to make her way out of the burning building with Winged Kuriboh, screaming for her parents and in the process letting more smoke into her lungs. However, she is soon forced to stop due to being enshrouded in mist. Being as dumb as she is, she screams some more, and some kind soul shuts her up by gagging her.
She struggles while in the grasp of this kind man, who then further assists us by knocking her out. As she loses consciousness, she manages to hear him say:
"Finally got her! Lord Orochimaru would be proud. If he isn't he should be when we raise her as a killing machine."
Now, ain’t that convenient. See, this man is knowledgeable and benevolent! He’s so kind! Though I must question the logic of raising someone to be a killing machine when they’re already ten years old.
When Kasumi comes to, she hears footsteps and sees someone approaching her, whom she deduces to be a ninja.
Other ninja surround Kasumi, but the one to first approach her tells them that they have failed in their mission to bring her to Orochimaru. The others seem surprisingly calm about their mission failing, because they act as if it’s no big deal. They decide to kill him anyway, just as they killed Kasumi’s family.
...So, the entire main cast of 5D’s was killed offscreen. All of them. We were not even given a hint of them in the scene where they died in question until after the scene had already occurred. That’s just mean-spirited.
Also, for ninjas, they really suck at the whole stealth thing. Where did the Signers live, Nowhere, Kansas
? It sure is convenient nobody noticed the burning building or decided to report it. Was killing them all really necessary? They could’ve just sneaked in, kidnapped Kasumi in her sleep, and left.
Presumably, this was just to give Kasumi reasons to angst, because the initial news of it almost makes her go catatonic. Just to rub it in, the ninja protecting her – screw it, I’m saying Kakashi – asks if they really did that, and they affirm they killed them all.
Kakashi asks why they spared her of all of them, and they answer that Orochimaru craved her power. I am going to avoid any trite jokes about Orochimaru being a pedophile.
They also state that part of their mission was to kill her family. What does that accomplish? If he wanted to make sure nobody knew, the ninja should have gone about killing them more discreetly than “BURN THAT SHIT DOWN!”
Kakashi is disgusted at their actions and invites them to attack him, before defeating them all with ease. Then, to add insult to injury, he kills the last one, who is already injured, with Raikiri*
Kakashi then bothers to ask Kasumi if she’s okay, despite her sobbing and being in a fetal position. He hoists her onto his back to take her to a hospital, but in the process notices the Duel Disk on her arm. Kasumi is able to read his mind to see that he is wondering what it is. Just as a side note, psychics could not do that in 5D’s. At all.
Kakashi checks his watch and hopes nobody notices them as they enter the hospital. Indeed, nobody does. I must wonder, though, about the watch; Naruto
doesn’t have any, as far as I know. Did the Leaf Village just import them from Neo Domino City, considering they are apparently right next to each other now? This is the problem with this crossover; the settings are so different, so the possibility that they could coexist so easily is more than a bit unlikely.
A nurse greets Kakashi and tells him to put Kasumi on a bed upon noticing her, also telling him to not leave. She examines Kasumi and deduces that she has been put under a Genjutsu
. Apparently, there is a Genjutsu that is activated by telling someone their family is dead. Offscreen Trauma Jutsu?
Kasumi starts to cry more audibly now about how Orochimaru killed her family, causing Kakashi to curse Orochimaru for killing a ten-year-old girl’s entire family.
Apparently, the Genjutsu was actually the image of her dead family in front of her, since it disappears when the nurse releases a jutsu, but despite this Kasumi was still perceiving what was actually happening around her. Narrative Convenience Jutsu!*
The nurse is then able to deduce that Kasumi has inhaled a lot of smoke at a glance because ninja magic, then uses Healing Hands
to make the smoke leave her system by, again, ninja magic. She and Kakashi then notice a bruise on the back of Kasumi’s head from when that kind ninja knocked her out and state she is lucky to have survived it. I would think it’s not that
lucky, considering the ninja weren’t assigned to kill her.
The nurse finishes checking on Kasumi, then gives her the okay to leave after seeing nothing else is wrong. Nothing except the emotional trauma of losing her entire family, I suppose. Kasumi takes out her cards and makes sure all the cards she received as gifts were still there, and indeed they are, with the author being compelled to list every single card individually to make the word count higher.
And then, as if it hadn’t happened enough this chapter, Kasumi breaks down crying again. I get that an event like this would be very tragic, but from a narrative standpoint, there’s no real point to have a Genjutsu be the cause for Kasumi’s original distress. She breaks down due to the Genjutsu, it gets dispelled, then she’s fine for maybe thirty seconds before breaking down again. Maybe the author just felt smart when typing Genjutsu.
Kakashi starts to apologize for what happened, only to realize he didn’t know her name yet. This prospect apparently excites Kasumi, considering she immediately stops crying. Well, not really, but in this passage, she certainly doesn’t speak as if she’s crying.
For some reason, both of them feel the need to introduce themselves with their full name and some sort of title, Kakashi calling himself the Copy Ninja and Kasumi introducing herself as the daughter of Yusei and Aki.
Kakashi states that he won’t place Kasumi in a foster home and she’ll instead have a guardian. When she asks who, he clarifies that he’ll watch over her if she lets him, to which she tearfully accepts. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this exchange, as there usually is in this fic, but it seems weird to me Kakashi would watch over her. He just doesn’t strike me as the type of person willing to do that. Then again, he probably has no choice in the matter when it regards somebody as amazing as Kasumi.
The two then go to the Hokage Tower to fill out an adoption form, then one line later have already finished it and are going to, and I quote, “place.” Kakashi explains that they’ll have to wait for the Hokage’s decision.
Kakashi takes Kasumi to Ichiraku Ramen, which he says is the best restaurant in the Leaf Village. Is it really? I don’t remember anything akin to that ever being said in the series, and Ichiraku always just struck me as an equivalent to fast food.
Kasumi eats some ramen and enjoys it, so she thanks Kakashi for it, wondering how he eats with his mask on. The author might be referring to the anime filler where the main characters tried to see what was under Kakashi’s mask, but there, he took his mask off to eat. Well, he was about to before being interrupted, but that’s irrelevant.
Kakashi decides to ask about the Duel Disk, and Kasumi exposits about the Duel Disk and Duel Monsters in general.
"Sadly the Duel Disk and along with my deck are all memories of my old family-sob"
Putting the little “sob” at the end of the sentence there bugs me to no end. This isn’t a video game, where dialogue is limited by text boxes. You have narration; narrate that she sobbed!
appear to Kakashi to tell him that the Hokage has made his decision, with its rapidity being a cause of only a bit of paperwork. As they leave Ichiraku, Kasumi asks what the Hokage actually is.
"The Hokage is our leader" the male ANBU stated "He is the most strongest Ninja in our village."
Get used to that phrase, “most strongest.” It appears far more often than it has any right to.
They arrive at the Hokage’s office, and the Hokage asks about the situation surrounding the adoption, which I presume would have been something that Kakashi had to put on the form, but whatever. He and Kasumi explain, with Kakashi specifying the ninja were from the Sound Village, and the Hokage then asks if they acknowledge each other as loving father and daughter. The way in which he does so sounds suspiciously similar to a marriage ceremony, which is more than a little uncomfortable.
The Hokage makes his decision (didn’t he already make his decision, which is why they were called in the first place?), saying he allows Kakashi to adopt Kasumi. He says Kasumi’s last name will have to change to Hatake for safety reasons, which doesn’t really matter since changing her last name is standard procedure with adoptions anyway. However, she asks to keep her former middle and last names in remembrance of her family. The Hokage has no objections.
The Hokage smiled as he remarked "Kakashi, take care of Kasumi…I have the feeling that the village will adore her."
Of course they will, she’s perfect!
The Hokage then asks the ANBU to search for any possible clues about if Kasumi’s family is truly dead, since he is not sure the Sound ninja were telling the truth. I doubt Yusei is; he can teleport!
Kakashi shows Kasumi to his apartment then intends to leave the 10-year-old girl by herself at home as he goes to meet up with the Genin
that have been assigned to him. Kasumi, inexplicably being the more reasonable of the two, insists she come with him in the case of another kidnapping attempt. On a side note, she now calls him Kakashi-papa. I feel this was an awkward attempt at translating Japanese honorifics and that it’ll get irritating quickly.
The general populace of the Leaf Village share my sentiment about Kakashi with children, since they are all shocked that he suddenly has a daughter as they make their way to the ninja academy. Strangely enough, Shikamaru
, of all characters, is the one to take particular interest in Kasumi. He talks to her despite admitting to himself that it’s troublesome, which I find more than a bit strange. Also, why is Shikamaru out and about at this time? Shouldn’t he be meeting up with his own leader, Asuma, at this point?
Shikamaru asks about her Duel Disk, and Kasumi exposits about Duel Monsters and her dead family, starting to cry upon mention of the latter. Goddammit, she is going to be doing this constantly, isn’t she.
Shikamaru takes interest in Duel Monsters upon hearing about the strategy involved (strategy?
), and Kasumi agrees to teach him about it sometime. They schedule a meeting, and Shikamaru grumbles to himself about having to meet up with “miss troublesome.” Author, you can’t have Shikamaru simultaneously take this much interest in something and stay true to his original character; it just doesn’t work at all.
When at the academy, Kasumi and Kakashi overhear a conversation from the room where Kakashi’s team is supposed to be.
"He's a Jounin you dobe, he won't fall for that trick."
I always assumed “dobe” to be some sort of Gratuitous Japanese
, then I realized it’s just a misspelling of “dope.” No idea why that didn’t occur to me at first, considering how many typos the author has already made.
Kakashi decides there’s no harm in falling for the trick, so he enters, and a chalkboard eraser falls on his head. The blond boy in the room, Naruto, starts cracking up at how they fell for it. The black-haired boy, Sasuke, says he can only understand how Kasumi fell for it, causing her to exclaim that he’s like a second Jack Atlas. If only Sasuke was actually half as cool as Jack.
Kakashi tells the two and the pink-haired girl in the room, Sakura, that his first impression of them all is that they suck.
He then turned to them as we were now on a roof.
“Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like.”
Kakashi starts introductions, introducing himself and Kasumi to the Genin. When Naruto starts to introduce himself, Kasumi stares at him. When he asks why she’s looking at him like that, she says that ninja are supposed to be stealthy. Yes, because the ninja that tried to kidnap you by burning a house to the ground in a populous city were masters of shade and silence.
From there, introductions proceed as normal, with the exception of Kasumi angsting some more when Naruto asks about her Duel Disk. With this, Kakashi tells them to meet him at Ground Seven at 5 AM the next day, and to not eat anything, before vanishing with Kasumi to mark the end of the chapter.
Just as something I would like to note quickly, I am going to try and be updating this live blog, at the latest, once a week on Saturdays.
So join me next time, when the Genin are humiliated to glorify Kasumi further! The very thought of it excites me!