Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches


Finale: Bringing On the God's Thunder

This is it. After nine installments and eighteen chapters of insanity, plus four more installments of another liveblog as my own personal breather, this ends the liveblog for this Prayer Warriors series. I thank you all for suffering this through with me.

As we say on Rika Liveblogs, we started this party; now, we're shutting it down!

Let's continue.

Previously, a lot of shit actually happened. Draco and Ebony get hitched, and Hermione surprisingly doesn't get killed. Instead, she gets Insta-Converted, though it took Michael being an asshole to do it. Also, Harry somehow gets revived, but Dumbledore is anticlimatically killed off.

We'll start the beginning of the end with...

Chapter 19

Jesus: I am glad that you decided to right more chapters. You do e well.
Thomas: I am grateful. Thank you.
Jesus: Yes, I accept your thank you.
Thomas: And I also like to say sorry to my brother Noah, who I have said some very bad things to. I am glad that you have finally seen the light against.
Jesus: He is forgiven.

Yes. That's right. Thomas finally decides to apologize to Noah. Guess what? With the beginning of The Evil Gods: Part Two, Noah is still vilified. So this "apology" is rendered moot.

Oh, and remember Dumbledore being dead and how I thought that Michael killed him? Turned out that it was a random fucking cannon fodder character who killed Dumbledore and sacrified his own life.

I hate this fanfic so much.

The group gathers to see Dumbledore's corpse. Which, by the way, is bleeding everywhere. Lovely. Michael Thomas (oh, yay, a random self-insert!) kicks the already-dead headmaster in the head and declares his death. His corpse has to be burned, and Ebony wants to help, but he refuses. For his corpse carries so much evil, it can harm women.

...stupid-ass sexism aside...I actually do believe in the crazy idea of there being something in a corpse even after the person has long since died. Maybe it's because I played a character in We Are Our Avatars who had the power of Morphing in his body, even after he died and became a corpse.

Then Ebony Enoby heads back to Hogwarts. What do you want to bet that she'll scream at the preps and slit her—(is shot, beaten, and left to die for that horrible Obligatory Joke)

Michael forces Harry to burn Dumbledore's body, for it's he who can do magic without any punishments...aside from the fact that he's going to Hell, anyway. And after he does a fire spell, Harry mourns. And Michael, being the absolute jackass that he is, laughs at Harry's misery and Dumbledore's death.

Look. I know that what Dumbledore did was wrong. But that was a case of very, very bad writing. Very horrendous Demonization. Michael is being an absolute jackass; therefore, he's as wrong as Dumbledore, if not even more so! And, may I repeat this, he's supposed to be the hero of all this! There's going to be some burning in Hell after this, and I don't just mean for Harry for the sake of plot in Thomas' twisted mind. In all honesty, there's a special spot in Hell with Michael's name on it.

For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind.-James 3:7
[This quote means that everything can be tamed, even those filthy nonbelievers and Muslims (Mudhubbid was never a follower of God and our lord Jesus Christ, but a worshiper of a false god Allah. He is burning in hell at the moment and he is nothing like me. I am holy). Draco and Hegemony have been tamed, and if Harry Potter had converted, he would be tamed. Now he must face the punishments of the eternal flames of jell].
He that doubteth is damned... For whatever is not of faith is sin.-Romans 14:23
[Because Harry Potter doubted the lord Jesus Christ and God`s true power, Harry will be punished because he didn't not believer, therefore a sin. He will burn in hell along with Dumb door].
The LORD thy God hardened his spirit, and made his heart obstinate, that he might deliver him into thy hand.-Deuteronomy 2:30

You know, all of this raises one question. If Ebony thinks that Hermione, despite supposedly doing the wrong things, can be saved, then why is it, exactly, that Harry can't? I mean...there was always a chance for Hermione to doubt God. And there's always a chance for Harry to see the light a la the Prayer Warriors' twisted version of Percy Jackson, so...

To say that the story doesn't make sense...is an understatement.

Harry declares that he's unbeatable, and he will not die easily. And he disappears with a spell. Again, another question. Why was it so easy for him to die the first time? In fact, how was he even killed in the first place?

The chapter ends with Ebony, somehow coming outside after Dumbledore's body has been reduced to ashes and, yes, bones, denying Harry's statement. And she kicks the ashes for good measure.

Jess: That was a very good chapter. I cannot wait to see what happens next.
Thomas: then stay in tune for the exit chapter where we defeat Hogwarts once and for all. Amen.

...yep. You heard them. This time...it all ends now.

Chapter 20

With the first part of the finale written by Noah, it begins with Michael somehow doubting himself over his abilities. How it's likely for him to underestimate the situation he pretty much placed himself into. Which is...actually understandable. And raises the question as to why he's in this Prayer Warriors thing in the first place, being totally brainwashed by Jerry and his twisted God.

I'm at the conclusion that none of the Prayer Warriors have had normal, sane lives, and Jerry is some sort of a manipulative bastard who forces other people into his cult—er, "his God's religion" (to any Christian who reads this, I am so sorry). Which brings a whole new level of Fridge Horror.

However! Michael realizes that, yes, God is a loving one, and he's now damned determined to prove that Jesus and His ways are real. Going on and on about that for an entire paragraph.

When he sees Harry, the latter, presumably in his One-Winged Devil-esque Angel form (no, the story itself doesn't say that, but I'd like to think that in order to try to give this story a more epic—oh, who the fuck am I kidding?), tells Michael (after he says to Harry that he can't win) to prove that his God's real. And how would he do that? RATHER FUCKING ANTICLIMATICALLY.

In other words? Harry, like an absolute dumbass, tempts fate by ordering Michael's God to strike some lightning in his heart. Needless to say, his wish is fucking granted, with God striking at Harry, the blood rushing out of his bloody body (wait, what?) as, with eyes wide open, he dies with the knowledge that he's going to the depths of Hell.

...Fuck. This. Fanfic. What an anticlimatic piece of bullshit! Seriously! The Prayer Warriors is never known for the grand, epic battles, but this?! This?!? With the Idiot Ball held tightly and the Tempting Fate in full force...OH MY GOD THIS IS MUCH WORSE THAN THE FUCKING EVIL GODS! And that one had the death (and unexplained rebirth) of an unborn baby!

...now that I think about it? Both fanfics are vile, horrible. Something that a villain in his most depraved (or her if you want to be gender-equal) would inflict to any victim. Said victim, even with the strongest of resolves, will break when they read it. They're that horrendous.

Anyway...after Harry's anticlimatic death, Michael, Draco, Ebony, and Hermione, along with the other Christians that they all managed to save, escape Hogwarts and watch as the building falls to the ground. And after all that's said and done, Draco and Hermione decide to get married, for they loved each other very much—wait, what the fuck?!

First off. Even here, Draco and Hermione never spoke to each other. Secondly. They hate each other; for fuck's sake, he calls her a fucking "Mudblood" from time to time! Thirdly. Draco married Ebony, thus violating its own canon once fucking again. Fourth! Because Draco is married to two women, not only is it considered bigamy, but that shit, I'm sure, is unlawful to Christianity! Finally! And the most important of all! Draco never, ever gets punished for it!


(slams my head into a wall several dozen times until my head bleeds, to which I wrap it with cloth)

Sorry. Sorry. Anyway...Ebony and Michael decide to go back to the United States, for their mission is done. However! As soon as they try to board the plane, one of the guards with false teeth, like those that...oh, God, seriously? One of the guards with teeth like the gods that he worships (dude. Not funny), well, he stops them.

And so our story finally ends with him announcing to the punks that the Roman Gods will have a lot of fun with them.


Thus...the despicable fanfic ends on a cliffhanger, and we'll have to read The Prayer Warriors: Threat of Satanic Communism to find out.

...I so want to say "fuck that shit, I'm done with the Prayer Warriors" series. I really, really want to. But...it's my job to see it to the somewhat-end. Even if I have to make other liveblogs or update the ones I already have as breathers. To keep my sanity from slipping, to try to not fall in despair.

As it is, though...THIS FANFIC IS JUST AS HORRENDOUS AS THE EVIL GODS: PART FUCKING ONE! Seriously! It isn't enough that we get sexism, plot holes aplenty, wastes of plot, Author Tracts, and yes, deaths (though, surprisingly, said deaths were actually rare-ish this time). No. We had to add fucking gay-bashing, absolute Writer On Board actions, and one character hoping that another will lose the baby to the mix! Thomas Brown, you are an absolute Complete Monster; even...wait, I'm not sure if even Ghetsis would be disgusted by your behavior. Considering his own, he'd join Thomas with this.

At the very least, Cyrus would be disgusted with it. And furthering his reasons why there should be a world without emotions. And at this point, I don't know why I'm comparing Pokemon antagonists with this asshole.

The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches, in short, is so despicable with its acts of cruelty, Writer On Board moments, sexism, anticlimatic moments, deaths, anti-gay agendas, anti-other-religions-that-isn't-Christianity agendas, and overall not-so-good insanity, it makes me wonder what I'm doing with myself.

Hopefully there will be a spot for me in Heaven, because, dammit, I deserve it for putting myself willingly through this torture. And there will be a lot more to go. Joy!

This has been Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches! Until next time, see ya!

...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! (slams head into a wall until I fall down, unconscious)


Have strength and courage, Rika! YOU CAN DO EET!
FreezairForALimitedTime 6th Dec 11
"And Michael and his psychotic friends were exterminated with the rest of the Muggles and non-pureblood wizards when Voldemort and the Death Eaters took over the world. The end."
Morgikit 19th Jul 13
Rika I pity you
gallantmonsonofdarkness 17th Nov 13
At least you're not IN the fanfic. yet.
GenericTroper 17th Nov 14